I don't want to be the adult. I don't want to be the one working so hard to fix this. I don't want to be the one biting my tongue, being supportive and caring and nurturing and understanding. I am really really not sure I can buy into this entire concept of my giving and giving and giving until things turn around. I thought I could intellectually, but tonight, it does not feel possible emotionally.<p>We are 8 days since D-Day. He was so sincere, so remorseful the first 4-5 days (the kids were at their bio-dad's). Sat down and wanted to the EN questionnaire, reading the stuff I printed out from the site. Since the kids got home, our marriage feels just like it did before. He won't initiate a conversation. Tonight, I had a pretty downer of an afternoon, obsessing about the EA. And, he is getting ready to go away for a week, traveling with the laptop (his was an online EA). This is distressing me. We went to the gym. I told him I was struggling. Not a word. On the way home, silence. As we were pulling into the driveway he said "What are you thinking about" I told him I felt things were slipping back, that unless I initiated a conversation and kept at it, he would not talk. He said we could talk about what went on at work. I told him I was having a hard time today with thinking about the EA, he said "don't think about it." I told him I was really worried about his being away for a week with the laptop. He became angry, said "Jesus, then I won't take the damned thing." I told him that his attitude was hurting me, and he just became disgusted, stormed out of the car and we haven't spoken since.<p>I guess I am supposed to be all better now, and have complete trust in him, can't question anything or worry about anything, and now I feel like I can't bring anything up. Suddenly things have shifted, and I'm the one doing wrong. I feel like as long as I do the work, or it's easy and convenient he'll buy into it. Otherwise....<p>And now - I guess we're not even having great sex. On the plus side, I have lost 6 lbs. in the last 8 days (which comes in handy bolstering me through the moments when I am convinced that no one else would ever want me anyway so I better just shut the f*** up and be thankful for what I've got).<p>Not a good evening at all, and if the kids weren't up, I would just sit on the floor and cry and feel completely hopeless and futile. Instead, you guys have to bear the brunt of this. Thanks!<p>KS

KS,<p>Hang in there. I think about a week after my H moved back in was the worst time for me also. My H just wanted everything to be over and done with and I still was torn up inside. He became angry with me because he felt that maybe I was just holding on to everything to punish him. I became resentful that he could be so uncaring and unfeeling to me after being unfaitful -- adding insult to injury.<p>Well, here we are 8 weeks later and things are going much better. I know that I did not give up on my H even though I thought about it and even said a couple of times to him that I did not think things could work out. I printed things out for him to read that I felt expressed my feelings -- sometimes it is easier for the WS to read something not written by the BS. Perhaps it validates the feelings or makes the WS understand that these are a normal part of the healing process. Some of the things I shared with him were the article Shattered Vows (you can find it at www.findarticles.com). It really helps explain the healing process. I also printed out posts from this site when I found something that mirrored my feelings -- there was a post about what could the WS have done to help the BS recover. The things the BSs posted reflected my thoughts and I told my H that. After reading it he began implementing the things. I also think the IC/MC helped him to understand that we just can't sweep things under the rug.<p>Remember that your H probably feels very guilty about everything and does not want to be reminded of those feelings. <p>Keep coming here and venting -- it will help. Hang in there -- things get better.<p>FHO

Ks41,
I have felt the same way as you on ocassion. It is so hard, isn't it?<p>Are you doing Plan A? Unfortunately, when my husband had affairs I didn't know of Marriage Builders or Dr. Harley's books or counseling.<p>It sounds like your husband might be withdrawing. <p>I have posted to a lady who may help you more and directed her to post to you, if she can.<p>I just wanted to know you were heard.

So, now the sex isn't great either - same here. It was great, but after my H told me about their sexual relationship - well, it's hard (not him - the sex part.)<p>I have lost weight too. I just have no appetite and haven't since I found out. It's probably why I always feel soo tired. I don't have the energy to do much. And I really haven't done much. Taken care of the kids and the house is just about it. I forget the last time I went out. This isn't good, is it.<p>I am also feeling bad for my kids. (3 and 5) They're still at a needy age, and I'm just not there for them like I was before. At times they just seem to be soo demanding, and I find myself losing patience more often. It's difficult - dealing with this and trying to act like everything is alright for their sake.<p>I've been spending time at this site and I've never really spent any time on the computer. I think it's time I should be spending with them, but I need time for me as well. I know this has been a problem in the past, and it's something I'm going to work on. I've been saying for awhile now, even before this A, that I've got to get a life!<p>I know I haven't helped you much, just thought a little distraction might be good. <p>Hang in there,
H&S

Wherever it all finally ends up, it will not be the same as it was. I'm told by many that it can be better! That is what I am hanging on in for 7 months after she ended her affair - certainly not got there yet. She is very distant physically (I get no sex, you get bad sex - we did nothing wrong!!) although other elements of the relationship have improved.<p>Unfortunately I can't promise you a wonderful future. All I have been told by others is that it can take many months (or even years) to turn staying together after an affair in to a successful and rewarding marriage for both of you.<p>And for most of that time, you will feel as if you are the only one REALLY trying. Can any wayward spouses try to explain?

Raskal, thanks. I smugly looked at the Plan A stuff and thought "oh that's not for us, that's for people who really have a problem and can't work it out together." Perhaps I need to look at it again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hurt & Sad - I'd say we should start a club, but I think this is already it. Even though I'm not happy to hear anyone else go through this, I had no idea it would be so soothing to hear other people feeling the same way. (BTW, I find I am less patient with the kids as well. Great, now I'm feeling like I screwed up my marriage, and I'm going to screw up the kids as well. What a banner month this is turning out to be!)<p>FHO - I went and read that article and really understood it. Sent a copy to WH but who knows what good it will do. I had also sent him a post about how WS feel and what they're going through and asked how it applied to him. He read it, but made no response or comment. I look at you, manfromuk, and so many others and just don't know how you can get to 8 weeks out, 7 months out, etc. <p>I tried to talk to him again last night, and it just got worse. He said he would move out since that was obviously what I wanted, and I was just not recognizing how hard it was for him to deal with my moodiness over this. On the plus side, I did not yell, scream or become sarcastic. I asked him how he wanted me to help him express himself. On the down side, I feel like my head is going to blow off the top of my shoulders. I think today I will call a marriage counselor, because all I really want is for him to be gone and this whole thing to be over. I don't want him to call me at work, or talk to me, or be around my kids.<p>Say, I'll bet y'all feel really sorry for my poor co-workers today!!<p>KS

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 09:26 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Hi, 2 weeks ago I found out about an online EA my WH was having for a couple of weeks. He had told OW he was not married! (we've been married 16 years with 3 kids!) Anyway, after I cryed for 3 days straight and blew up BIG once at him he finally relized it wasn't all "innocent" and just for fun. (He was trying to make me believe that he started out in a chatroom called "flirt" just more or less for entertainment. He then started chatting with OW and she sent her pic. He then added her to his MSN instant messaging and talked to her on there. In the 2 weeks he knew her things happened fast. I believe if I hadn't found out when I did that it would had progressed into possibly trying to meet even though we live a long way from OW. I then contacted the OW thru his MSN account and let her know that he was in fact very married. She then ended the EA but he continued to send her emails and try to contact her. So after promising me MANY times that he would not contact OW or get into the chatrooms again, I found out that he had been. So to make a long story a little shorter, I found out about a computer software program that records all email messages, chat messages and web sites that he has been in. I secretly installed it on the computer WH was using, and it was the BEST money I have ever spent!!! Within, 24 hours of installing it I had found out that he was getting into the chatroom again and talking to lots of other women. I think the EA with OW was ended before then since I didn't see anything between them. However, I could actually see how he would "innocently" talk to these women in the chatrooms - he even emailed one and gave her his phone # to contact him. They would talk very personal, I couldn't actually believe that was him doing this! Well, I couldn't wait to let him know that I found out that he was very much still lying to me so... I copied the conversations he had with the women and emailed them to him!! Wish I had been there to see his face on that one!!! To try to finish this up quick, lets just say that the fog finally lifted for him with help from me. He wanted to know how I found this all out. I told him a little about the software but I also told him that it was a 48 hour trial period and that I had found out thru it what I needed to know. He swears it will never happen again and this time when he tells me he's very sorry, and loves me I am actually convinced. In the meantime, for my safety net (no I don't completely trust him just yet) I do still use the software however, he does not know and will not know. It's only been 1 day after he thinks the software is not in there anymore, but so far he has been true to his word. BUT he doesn't completely believe me either that it's not in there...so if he does want to start going into the chatrooms it will eventually catch him. Where we go after that I do not know - I just hope I don't have to worry about that.

KS,<p>You did great talking to your H in a calm clear manner and letting him know what you need to recover. I also heard from my H that "you just want a divore", "maybe things won't work out", "do you want me to leave". You need to be consistent in letting him know that no, you do not want your M to end. These are the feelings that you are going through and this is what you need to recover. Continue to share information with your H. I think it took about 10 days of info sharing with my H till he finally "got it". He sometimes posts here (LoveHerMadly). I'll see if I can get him to give you any insight into what made him realize that we couldn't sweep it under the rug and his understanding and caring of my feelings were important to help me recover.<p>I think patience and persistance are the key here. Communicate to your H without LB. Also, he probably feels that you expressing your feelings are about you punishing him. Make it clear that is not what it is about. Try to remember that he probably feels incredible pain -- guilt over what he has done, guilt over the way he has hurt you, guilt that he is still causing you pain, etc., etc.<p>It's hard. I remember the feelings that I just wanted it to end -- even if it meant the end of the M. Keep trying, it gets better.<p>FHO

Hello KS41,
Just an FYI before I get started, I am the WS of FHO. The healing is hard even for us guilty of having the A (mine was an OEA as well). We may not have a right to feel doubtful of how this chapter in your lives together will turn out, but we do have feelings, we can't control that. You need to realize and understand that, not only for his sake but for yours as well. He needs to learn how to handle his feelings logically. It is no reason to give up. If you keep trying to meet each others EN it will pass over time (talking helps). Maybe you need to try a different way of meeting them for him. I know when mine are being met I WANT to meet hers even more. Maybe he needs to know your EN are being met or how to better meet them. Think of this way, your H is witnessing the results of his A, it's hard to sit and watch what the BS is going threw and know it's all because of you. It not only makes you feel guilty it makes you feel your efforts to meet the BS's EN are in vain. This is because they don't appear to be helping. What your H needs to realize is that his efforts are helping, that there is hope. It will take time to heal and there is no way he can rush it (I learned this the hard way), but he can slow your healing process down with LB (I also learned this the hard way). You need to realize that he is going to feel this way until he gets the picture. I found going to IC helped me figure it out. Below I have a little list of what I try to remember, I hope it helps. <p>What helps me, What helps her, What helps us..... (not in any order)
1.I am not a mind reader, ask her what she is thinking, what she wants, and what she needs.
2.She is not a mind reader, tell her what I am thinking, what I want, and what I need.
3.Don't try to rush her. It only makes me feel worse because I can't make her heal faster.
4.Try my hardest not to LB because it will slow down my W's healing. It will happen just get back up and make some LB$.
5.She will feel bad at times. I need to accept that. I need to be there when she does.
6.Give her what she needs, not what I think she needs (EN questionnaire/talking).
7.Remember things are different now, they will be better then before. I have that to look forward to.
8.Keep my cool, getting mad never once helped me work anything out. If I feel I may be getting worked up I tell her I need a break. I must always come back to the issue....
I am still learning more and more everyday. <p>Good Luck and don't give up.....<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: lovehermadly ]</p>

Bumping this up - this is a great thread!

Wednesday morning - feel like I have whiplash from the rollercoaster. So, your responses were so good, so helpful, so meaningful and poignant to me, that I copied the thread and sent them to H to read. I especially thought he would appreciate the post from lovehermadly (which, by the way, made me cry when I read it).<p>I also called our counseling service at work to make an appointment with a marriage counselor.<p>Came home to find H in bed asleep (at 5:30). Didn't say a word. Made dinner, went to the gym, came home (was mean to the kids - bad mom, very bad mom). He never got up. By the time I went to bed I was pretty hopeless, figuring he had given me about as strong a message as possible how he felt about working on the marriage.<p>As soon as I got into bed he launched his verbal attack by announcing as soon as he got back from his trip he was moving out. Out of all of the reading, the only piece that stuck in his mind was my comment that I wanted him to be gone and not around us. This launched two hours of fighting, crying, begging, pleading, and just about every love buster there is. In the end, I told him it didn't matter how he interpreted it, I was committed to our marriage and working as hard as I knew how. I asked him to stop saying he was going to leave and he agreed. We reaffirmed that we both loved each other, wanted to be married, and wanted to be happy.<p>So, today we start trying...again. I'm tired, my eyes are still red and swollen, and I can't say I feel really good about it, but I feel better.<p>You folks here will never know how grateful I am to have your opinions. One question: should I not have shown him the thread?

KS,<p>I don't know whether you should have shown him the thread or not. When I first started showing my H things (articles, postings, etc.) I did not show him anything I had posted. As a matter of fact, at the time, he asked me if I posted on the site. I said yes and he asked me what name I used, but I wouldn't tell him. He then posted to the site asking whether I should have to tell him. The advice he got was not to make me tell him, that I needed a place to vent. Well, after a few week -- when our relationship was better (I think it was about 6 weeks after D-day #3), I gave him my name and id so he could search out my posts. I think he finally felt better reading my posts and seeing that there was nothing that I hadn't already shared with him. He then asked if I would mind if he posted and I said not at all. <p>Ok, here is MHO, for what it is worth. I think maybe it was a little early for your H to read your posts -- you are still in the very early stages of the recovery process. My H and I weren't communicating very well then, either. I remember the times I wanted to give up and the fights we had that we both ended up frustrated, hurt and angry from. But, we continued to hang in there and try. That seems to be what you and your H are doing. Remember that he keeps comitting to you and saying he does want to work on the M. Hold that thought close to you. For now, I would show him what other people posted (not your postings) so he can see that all these feelings are norman -- both his and yours. I think that when he read the post, he probably did not take in anything other than what you had written -- probably due to his guilt and frustration over the situation. It might be easier for him to read things that you have not written (at least for now).<p>JMHO. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time (or sometimes one minute at a time, when appropriate). You H is feeling the strain of this as well, but you can both recover together.<p>FHO