Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
F
F A Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
My wife and I have been in recovery for the past 4 months, initially it was very difficult because I was full of anger and pain and constantly pointed fingers without stopping to look at my behavior during the past few years that contributed to her going outside of our marriage. My wife tells me that for the past several years she has felt mentally and emotionally abused, a statement that I now recall her making to me a few years back. My wife wants to work on rebuilding our marriage as do I. I have acknowledged my faults and what I have done wrong in the past and have apologized for them. My wife states that she has forgiven me and that in the past 4 months has regained a great deal of love that was lost over the years. Our problem is this, she fears that she may never love me like she once did, that because of the years of emotional and mental abuse, despite everything that I now do to meet her needs, it may be a case of being too late. That the events of the past may be irrepairable. I have asked her does she want to call it quits and she says no, that she at least wants to try to regain all that she has lost for me, that she loves me, but not like she used to. There are also times when she gets really down, she states that she feels guilty about having the affair as well as having feelings of guilt about seeing how hard I am working on us and knowing that she does not love me as deeply as I love her. <P>How many of you have gone through those feelings about your husbands. Have any of you regained those "in-love" feelings for your husbands, and if so how long did it take and how much patience did your husbands have to exhibit? If not, why and when did you know it was not going to happen?

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
FA, I was rumaging through the posts and ran across this one. It's a very good post, and has some important questions. I read it when you first posted, but didn't answer for one important reason: I can't say I'm "in love" with my H yet, and in fact our marriage is at the point of seperation. But I felt exactly like your W did. I want to love my H like I used to... but therein lies the rub, "used to"... alas, it will never be. But I can have a (ta-da!) NEW BEGINNING. That's why I chose my name!<P>Anyway, I am bringing this back up to the top for more input. <P>Best wishes to you!<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
I am also very interested in the responses to your questions from other betrayers. I am a betrayer and am feeling some of what your W tells you she is feeling. I love my H. I am having a problem with the "In Love" part of our relationship. There are moments that I sometimes feel it is right within my reach...and I almost feel that old feeling again and then something will happen to make me think I was only imagining it. He is so moody at times that I feel I live with two different men. So, yes.. I am bring this back to the top. I am hoping that more will respond not only to help me, but to help you and give me a better understanding of what my H is going through with this also. Good luck......I am not giving up hope.. I will still continue to find that place that we once had...

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
Y
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
Y
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
FA:<P>I too am interested in hearing from any woman our there regarding regaining love for their husband. I just ended an 8 month love affair (actually, the OM ended it) and I am now in the process of trying to rebuild my marriage. (My husband does not know about the affair). I do not feel any affection toward my husband, I know that I am not in love with him and for the last few years, I have not had any real desire to spend "alone" time with him. So, we have a long way to go. He says he loves me and that he wants to make the marriage work, but besides that, nothing much has been done. My feeling is that he is not happy with how things are, but would be satisfied with more sex, and then he would be happy. I, on the other hand, want to enjoy his company, I want to bring passion and romance back to the marriage and I want to make love, not have sex. I don't know if I am too far gone to get these feelings back and it scares me. I don't want to try forever either. So, how long do I try if there is no improvement? Women, have you ever been in this situation and were able to do something, or your H did something to bring the love back?

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 66
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 66
You have to fall in love again. If you ever really loved each other then you can do it again. Maybe it won't be easy, but it can be done. It takes an effort from the heart. It's like dating all over again. The little things you do for each other mean so much. Try to make one another love each other. Try to make each other feel special. Thank God my wife and I have the opportunity to love each other again. We both believe that what we have now is far better than anything we have ever had. Learn together and don't ever give up.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Sara63, <BR>I would like to talk with you sometime, because we are in the same boat and maybe we can help each other considering we share similar situations and feelings. If you are interested, let me know. I will post another note directly to you and perhaps we can chat on line sometime? I am hoping by bringing this up to the top again, more people will help with responses. This is a question that I think alot of people need help with. Falling back in love again....is a long process. I think I have been doing quite a few things as well to make it happen. Adding excitement and sharing more time together with H. So, all advice is welcome

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
F
F A Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
Lacee-<BR>You wonder what your husband is going through, well I can tell you what I am going through. I am going through the hell of knowing that it was I that destroyed much of the love that my wife once had for me. It is knowing that at one time my wife loved me with all of heart and had me on a pedestal and it was I that F#%@$ it up. I am also going through the pain of knowing that because of my actions that love was given to someone else, and deeply. It is knowing that when the affair was going on the OM was placed on that pedestal and that she felt no connection towards me whatsoever. It is knowing that she was so far removed from me that it didn't matter to her that the OM openly told her that he loved his wife and only cared about her, she loved him with all of her heart. It is knowing that she did said things to him that she never has said to me, it is knowing that she was sexually freer with him than me. Now to hear that while she loves me, but not like she used to is very painful. While she states that she no longer loves him, but still cares for him, it brings the pain of knowing that if I had only treated her the way that I felt for her, this situation wouldn't exist. It is longing for her to love me the way that she once did, so that I would have the 2nd chance to do it right. It is wondering whether or not she can't get those feelings back because deep down her feelings for the OM is keeping her from loving me totally again. It is the frustration of giving your all and sometimes not seeing any response, wondering if there is no response because her heart just isn't in it. It is hearing the words that she loves me, but only seeing glimpses of that love. It is wondering if she thinks of him, or if she secretly still desires him or if she thinks of him when you are being affectionate towards her or making love to her. These are some of the things that your husband may be going through, and yes, it's a living hell trying to be patient for something that may never happen.

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
Call me a cynic but I am reading about regaining lost love and "finding that feeling again", etc. and I do not think you can. When were you in love? Was it when you were also experiencing lust? Love is a myth, our life experiences cause us to depend on others and form habits and customs surrounding others but love only exists in the context of lust. Convincing yourself that you are in love after the initial excitement (lust) in a relationship is over requires one to accept the notion that you depend on that other person for something other than love.<P>------------------<BR>Fulgencio

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3
Sorry, I just learned that this forum is designed to be constructive and build relationships, not question them. Please disregard my cynical comments.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
First of all F A, I do not for one second believe that it was ALL your fault! There is no possible way! When I betrayed my H, I justified it by the things that were happening in our marriage. Circumstances at the time just so happened to be that I had a male friend that I was venting to and who was very understanding. That, added to the problem because I came to rely on his support of my feelings. MY mistake! Not my H but mine. I should have known better right there and then. I knew I shouldn't have been talking about deep personal subjects with another man. I should have been discussing and working on them with my H! Had I given H a fighting chance to work on the marriage from the beginning, it would not have escalated to the point where I felt that there was another man who really understood me and therefore, turned to him. You say in your last post, "While she states that she no longer loves him, but still cares for him, it brings the pain of knowing that if I had only treated her the way that I felt for her, this situation wouldn't exist." It is a two way street. She as well as I, should have told our husbands of our feelings and worked on them together. I think that you are putting too much of the blame on yourself. I read your words. I felt your pain and anguish. I see it in my husbands eyes and it makes my heart ache. But never in my life, will I ever blame him entirely for what happened. I encourage you to not give up. I encourage you to win back her love completely! Show her over and over again like you have been. But do not blame yourself for what happend. I justified my affair with those reasons in mind. The mental and emotional abuse, the lack of respect, the being blamed for everything that went wrong, the destruction of my self esteem, and I blamed him for it instead of talking with him about it and working on our marriage together. MY fault! I hope with all my heart that you and your wife will find the love again. The only thing all of us can do is keep working at it and not give up. If we want it badly enough it will happen... Thank you for sharing your pain with me. It does make me realize just how horrible my H feels and only makes me want to try harder. Take care....

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 416
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 416
All of us are intrigued by this topic -- all anxious as to how to make it happen. My wife is in the same boat as FA's and most of the women who have posted here. <P>Yet, you have posted, and you say you do want to regain that love. If that's true, then don't put any restrictions on regaining it, such as a time limit (Lacee). If you want it, then work for it and let it happen.<P>I spoke today with Dr. Harley (William) directly about my situation. Which is much the same as FA's. He said that he assures his patients that the marriage will be restored with both parties totally in love if they follow what he tells them to do. He then outlined for me what that is, and for the most part you know it:<P>1) Commit to the Policy Agreement: Don't do anything without enthusiastic consent by both - nothing!<P>2) Keep depositing Love Units and don't Love Bust - ever. Both should, but if one keeps going the other will eventually come around. This means do all possible, happily, to meet your spouses emotional needs.<P>3) Commit to telling each other the truth - always. Talk to each other.<P>4) Spend at least 15 hours per week together,<BR>as a couple, for each other only. Find out what each other likes and do those things.<P>5) Begin doing again, and keep doing, those little things that your spouse was first attracted to (in my case it's in part the type of clothes I wear and my professional image).<P>6) If you get a counselor, be sure that this person is emphatic about communicating their belief that this marriage will survive and be even better. They should believe that failure is not an option, and have a definitive plan (like this one he gave) to get the love back. If they say anything negative like "if this marriage makes it", or "before we get to divorce" then quickly get another counselor.<P>He said that even if one spouse is skeptical, or even angry and defiant it doesn't matter - it will work as long as they do what he says no matter how they feel going into it.<P>He also says that it is important to be able to measure the results -- and he uses a Love test (much the same as the emotional needs questionaire) to do that. He uses it weekly with his couples. <P>Here was very interesting news from Dr. Harley: he says that regaining that "in love" feeling IS NOT DONE GRADUALLY AT ALL. He says that the out of love partner may score a minus 1 (-1) when the sessions first start and be totally out of love. Then in a few weeks its a -0.8. Later its -0.3, then flat zero (0) at some point - but progress is being made even though the spouse is not yet "in love". He says that as long as they keep doing the plan, the out of love spouses score progresses weekly until finally its perhaps 1.5 (there's no set number given that we are all different) and s/he says "I'm in love". In other words, Dr. Harley says that falling in love is an instantaneous thing that happens once that persons love tank becomes full enough.<P>This man exudes confidence that falling "in love", and perhaps especially between people who already have a strong base of love, is near predictably achieved if both parties are willing to follow these type steps. <P>By the way, he has an extremely successful practice bringing love back into marriages, and today is his 37th marriage anniversary.<P>All of you, and my wife included, can and will fall in love again if you want to and let it happen by simply working on you as a couple.<P>Don't ever give up - please - I believe in love too much, and I believe in each of you who are here fighting for Love.<P>SamH

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
F
F A Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
Lacee<P>I never meant to give the impression that it is ALL my fault, not at all. I was simply stating my part in it. I know that she is totally responsible for her own actions. I have never condoned what she did and she knows that fully. What she did was WRONG and there are no valid justifications for it.<BR>Yes she should have come to me with how she felt and what her concerns were, there are no excuses for going to another man with our personal problems, none whatsoever. She says that she could not talk to me, that I was a hard person to talk to, and in a way I guess she is right about that, I wasn't very easy to approach, but that again is no excuse for what she did. She was wrong as hell, but I am not without blame and therefore I am trying to forgive. I will give her all of my love and continue to try to show patience and hope that she will once again love me as she once did.

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 159
Z
Zip Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 159
This is a great thread from both the person who had the EA and the other spouse. My history is all through this site. Wife had an EA and is still involved with OM though just as "friends". She too is not "in love" with me like she used to. In fact she was not really "in love" with me before the EA so her thinking is that the EA has nothing to do with her getting her feelings back. She says this bothers her greatly and I can see her pain.<P>I too like some of the folks feel like this is my fault. I do realize that an affair of anytype is the easy way out. I wounder if I had an affair first would I be on the offensive and blaming her for what was wrong in our marriage. Let's face it. Two people screw up a marriage. It is very very rare that BOTH people are working on it at the sametime. One person is always trying harder and the other one feels a little slighted.<P>As for being "in love". Love is a decison that is made. It is more then feelings and emotions. People don't just fall in and out of love. They make decisions based on their actions. Affairs in any form cloud peoples decision making process. The feeling of first falling in love with someone is such a high and that is what feeds the affair. Jez I wounder if she/he likes me, I can't wait to see him/her, my heart skips a beat when I see him/her. All things I am sure that we felt when we met our spouse before kids, before the job, mortgage and pressure of day to day life.<P>So when I hear people say I am not "in love" I wounder if they are committing to something or looking for the easy way out. My wife told me that so many times she tried to tell me she was unhappy. Maybe I did not listen and I should have. If I had I would not be in this hell of limbo land.<P>The easy thing is to move on and try to find that high for the rest of your life. The tough thing to realize is that is not real life. Marriage ebbs and flows like life. There are ups and downs all the time. I know if you polled 100 couples that have been married for more then five years and ask them if they have always been "in love" I am sure that everyone one of them would say no.<P>Hope this does not sound harsh. But I guess I am old fashion and believe that the easiest thing to do is use love as an excuse to move on. Ladies please keep posting your thoughts on this stuff. Your insight is great and living on the other side maybe I can share something from a males side. Also check out <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com." TARGET=_blank>www.weiner-davis.com.</A> There is great stuff there

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900


<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
I am very impressed with you F A. You seem to be very level headed and love your W very much. Everyone who has posted on this thread has made a wonderful impression on me and my heart fills with hope and determination to continue moving forward just as I have been. I know things are changing here. I know that he is feeling the love I am showing him. He tells me things now that he hasn't said in years! It warms my heart and brings me closer. I know that I will feel the love again. There are so many people here who have been through Hell.. and are still willing to help others. I do appreciate so much everyone here. You should all be so proud of yourselfs and what you are accomplishing. I hope that one day, I may find myself in the same catagory as you. I hope that I might be of some help to others as you have been to me. Thanks to all of you who have shared your thoughts on this thread.... <p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 16, 1999).]

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 159
Z
Zip Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 159
To answer your question if it was directed at me. Both my wife and I are in our mid 30's. It seems that many of the folks here are in that 35 to 45 range, which seems to be a tough age for this. <P>FA the good news is that your wife wants to work on things and sounds like she is starting to love you. My guess is that if you play your cards right she will see the light so to speak. My problem is that the OM is still in the picture. Until he gets out of the picture I feel like I am spinning my wheels.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
F
F A Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 758
I notice that there have been no success stories on this thread. Is that because the success stories are no longer coming to this site or is that because there have been no success stories?

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 44
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 44
It's scary how well I can see myself in so many other people's posts. I guess I should not be surprised. When I first came into AA, I learned that I was never as unique as I thought I was.<P>I need help to understand what causes the wayward W to maintain the relationship with OM. I think I can understand how it all gets started. But once the affair is discovered or admitted and the reality hits everyone in the face, why does it continue. I know the addiction of drugs and booze but this confuses me. My W has seen and I think fully understands the pain this affair has caused. She knows the future is horrible if the affair continues, yet she keeps going back to OM. Why?<P>I have repented for my past neglect. I felt totally guilty. I know I failed in areas but I will not take responsibility for decisions that were 100% with my W. <P>Ladies - what finally helped to turn you around? How did you do it? What did your H's do before you were 100% back?<P>This is so hard and emotionally exhausting but if I can just cling to a thread of hope I feel that can hang on a little longer, or a lot longer, or way, way longer.....

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 302
F A, <BR>Maybe you should place a new post asking for success stories. I am certain that someone will answer. <BR>Zip, <BR>I am late 30's also. I always considered this sort of a mid life crisis thing. Although, I never believed in them before, until this happened with me.<BR>NewMan, <BR>Sadly enough, I haven't told my H of my affair yet. It is being here and gaining strength to do so. Trying to understand what is going to happen with us when he does get told the bad news. He does suspect however, and I don't think it will come as much of a surprise. Maybe he knows.. sometimes I think he knows. I think that he is just waiting for me to tell him and put an end to the whole thing. I am not sleeping with the OM at the present time, however, it has been very difficult to call things off. We break it off and then 2 weeks later, he shows up even at my request not to, and I weaken. The OM is like an addiction, a need was filled and it helped at the time and I relied upon it. It is very hard to let go of something that made me feel wanted and needed. I was looking to connect with someone emotionally and I did. I began to love the OM and eventually the relationship became physical. Mind you, this was not a quick process. I spoke with him for at least 6 months before it became physical. I have been much stronger as of late, due to the fact that I am focusing on my H and making our marriage better and working on falling "In Love" with him again, which is what I want more than anything right now. I refuse OM offers to come to me and have cut our verbal conversation contact drastically. And Yes... the withdrawls are there. What a horrible heartwrenching mess this is that I have created and there is still the worst to come. It is not an easy thing to break away from the support I had with OM. But what I am doing is working on getting it back with H. I wish I never had to tell him about it, but... then who here would ever approve of that? Argh!!! This is so hard... I hope that some might understand what I am trying to do and what I am going through. Painful as it is for the Betrayed, the Betrayers feel it also. All I can do is hope that you might support and help me through this and try to understand what I am going through also. I am working my way back into his heart...and working H back into mine... for I do love him. I expect that some will criticize me... but it's not like the first time it has happened... I'm trying... and I am scared... Sigh.....<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 16, 1999).]

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Lacee,<P>I only have a few moments before I must leave. I will be brief. Tell your H now. He can help you with the withdrawl if he knows what the problem really is. It will be very hard for him, but telling him will also break some of the hold the addiction has.<P>Your H can be valuable ally in this whole thing. Please consider this carefully. I know is very scary to face but it will have to be done and it can actually help both of you.<P>God Bless<P>JL

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5