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Dear Sue;

as you know I am not a very patient person. I have met you here two years ago and now this latest thread is over a thousand posts long.

You are still miserable and there is always another reason for you not to take action. Sue, dear Sue, why do you continue to put up with this?

It was outrageous that your H set a wedding date with another woman. OUTRAGEOUS. Why are you enabling this A?

Things to do?
Let him have it - boundaries, limits. Plan B.

You know who the OW is. Call her. Talk to her. Tell her that he is married to you. That he has children and a wife. That he has been lying to her as well.

Sue, you sound so depressed and unhappy. Please do change something in your life. It is up to you. You have the power to be happy again.

Love,

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Hi Sue,

Can you tell Liza cares about you?
(smile, it's good for your face.)

How is the new job going?

Any better with the sleep now?

How about you, do you work the weekend?

I just thought of something, I think I'll go give cerri grief.

SS

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Job is going okay

How am I, tired, tired and tired.

Adjusting to new hours, kids adjusting to new hours, trying to get organized, etc, etc.

Last week was my first week on nights,

I know Liza cares, and I'd respond if I was not too tired. I just got home from work and I am going to bed.

Right now, I dont' think much about my marriage or the state it is in. I'm too tired to do that.

Going to bed, getting some sleep, picking the kids up, doing homework, football, clean house, try to get a nap if time, then back to work.

Once I adjust to this, I think it will get easier. (I hope), I'm talking about work, not marriage.

Thanks for everyone's caring.

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Good to hear from you I have been wondering about you (and worrying too)

Is H helping at all??

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Depends on your definition of help.

In his mind, yes, I wanted and expected more.


I really like the job, when I am there, I don't wish I was somewhere else, I think I am just tired of working and wish I could take time off, but I can't.

I am concerned after I am finished with orientation. A nurse that oriented me one night, warned me about one of the aides. She quit because of him. She later came back with the understanding that she will not have to work with him. He made inappropriate sexaul comments to her, once tried to corner her and kiss her. She started dreading coming to work. He bad mouthed her, saying she was prejudice. He is a black male.

gotta go

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Most all of us expect more from our H's I know I do,I am beginning to think my H is not able to change and a life with him will always be the same.I know you can relate,the question is what do I want??

As for the Aid just please be very carefull I do not want to hear that anything has happened to you.But then again knowing you I think you could take him down!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for work,you are probably right,I know for me only working outside of the house part-time right now has been so nice.Funny tho,my job away from home is easier than the job at home watching the grandkids...LOL

Take care I miss you my friend.
Any good days to call you??
Would just like to touch base thats all.

Talk to you soon.

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Dear Sue:

yes I care about you. I will be forever grateful to you for the posts you wrote to me in the summer of 2002.

I worry about you. You are still stuck in unhappiness (sorta like me, duh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Sometimes it seems like a maze where the others are looking in from the outside and they can see the exit way, but we can't.

Life should not be just work and taking care of the kids. We have to LIVE and look for happiness for ourselves. I don't want to wake up one day, maybe in twenty years and realize that I have ben unhappy about the A EVERY day since the summer of 2002. NOPE...I want happiness back. For me that means those peaceful, wonderful moments with my H. The poor guy sure has been trying, so I've been kinda lucky.

Sue, I wish happiness to come your way. I hope you can see the way out of your unhappiness.

Love,

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Hey Liza,
I haven't been on "recovery " lately,
you must be doing much better?

How did you overcome your fears?

You sound soooooo much better. I am happy for you.

SS

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Hey Sue !!!

Smile, if you can't get rest, at least you can pretend to be rested.

This brings me to the topic for today.

Rest is one of those things that "pretend" doesn't work for. You can't inject it with a needle, and you can't buy it at home depot - or even super wal mart.

Since you already know how lack of rest affects us, I won't go on and on.

What I want to know, is what will you do about it?

I think I understand, and I know your stamina is greater than the average mortal, but you have limits too. What are you going to do about it?

Please give us the time table, and smile, we only ask because we care.
Ok, OK, PLEASE smile.

I still pray for your family, I still worry. Think I see improvement, but if you are too tired to recognize it, it won't help. (You do know you are being teased, don't you?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OK, I tell bad jokes, and I'm not good at teasing, but at least........at least......at least I have a bad memory??

Anyway, the time table for rest and recovery - in writing. Ha,Ha, don't think you can get out of this by changing the subject.

SS

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I'll reply when I am done laughing at SS

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Laughing??

Changing the subject already ...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So many things to ask, so little cordination with my fingers after 11:00 PM.

OK, so are you going to the bonfire this time? I asked cerri about it just for you.

SS

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 12:26 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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Sue,

I can empathize with with your new work situation.

When I made the decission to return to work, I took a possition that was 12hr over night's, the money was good, and it allowed me to take care of my children durring the day, it just didn't allow for sleep.

I did take that possition with the feeling that we were moving for divorce though.

I hope you are finding time to rest and relax, and I hope your H is stepping up to the plate.

Get some REST!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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The bonfire - I don't know if I am going or not. Both weekends are full of activities and depending which weekend, is settled upon, I might be working.

Both weekends have football finals, and hockey clinics and tryouts start up in October.

WH made sure the kids let me sleep so I could rest before work. I was sleeping so sound that when he work me, it startled me that I jumped and almost hit him.

We went to a movie ealier today, as far as progress towards our marriage, I don't know. It does not help any that he will not talk about it, and when he does, it is in short little comments.

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So glad to hear you got a little sleep,did it make you feel better??
I sure hope so.

As for talking when you learn how to get your H to open up and talk could you send me the instructions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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Hi Sue,

What Ginger said got me to thinking.

It was funny - about if you figure it out to send her the instructions.

What does he say when you ask him to talk?

I would think (and this is my style) that if you ask him something like this, he would have a hard time NOT talking. "we need to talk, because the way we have been doing things isn't working for me. Would you like to talk tonight, or tomorrow night?"

So does he change the subject, or refuse to talk, or say he can't asnwer that, or what does he do?

Maybe I should start over.


What things will he help with? What DOES he do to help you?

What things won't he do that you need?

SS

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He usually does the total avoidance, if not that, then I get the frustrated "not this again", or "I don't know"

It does not help me any that I ran into my ex boyfriend again. The one from 20 years ago. When I run into him and compare the relationship I had with him and my current marraige, I wonder if I had not broken it off with him, would I be happily married to him today? Oh well, I cannot spend my time wondering about the could have beens.

I was 21 and wanted to have fun and party, he was 27, ready to settle down and be a fuddy duddy. Besides, after two years of going out, he never once talked about a future together, so I figured it was a dead end no where relationship. I did find out about five years later, he wanted to marry me. If he only would have said something, it might have made a difference. Then again, maybe it would not have. Can't live in the past. I dont' ahve time for it anyway. I only get the thoughts right after running into him, then I forget about it.

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He usually does the total avoidance, if not that, then I get the frustrated "not this again", or "I don't know"

One of the reasons people use MC is that they often have differences in the way they communicate. The MC can usually figure out a way to help that part.

I know he won't go to MC, but in our case, I was able to study up on it, and find ways to reach my W in spite of our diffeences. I am still learning, but we have come a long way.

I am not sure what you have read, and I am afraid you may think, "I am tired of this, it's his turn."

HOWEVER, I continue to study and learn, and find ways to help her understand my feelings. She really does care, and when she understsands, she helps.

Do you want to move foreword, and do you want a direction? Am I helping, or should I let you rest, becuause I know you need that too.

I keep thinking that your H helped more at one time, and that it could be that way again.

Some just lack the proper motivation. There is the story about a man that wanted to quit smoking, and he answered an add that promised to help you quit. The references showed a 100% success rate, so he signed up - and paid in advance. The next morning, when he awoke, he was missing his little finger, and a note said that unless he quit, it would get worse.
He quit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Would your H respond if we could find the proper stimulation? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I suppose that the bottom line about communication is that men often see a request to talk as an attack upon their integrety. There are ways to work into it more gently - I am wondering if you already understand, and have tried it, or if I should give you references to read.

I wonder a lot more, but you need rest more than most things right now, so I'll quit for tonight.

You sound really good some days, and I worry about you others. If you don't mind, I will continue to worry a little bit, some days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

See you around,

SS

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 11:56 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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Hi SS,

You can worry.

What could you recommend? Some days I am tired of all of this, and I do think, there has to be something better. Some days, I do wonder why do I have to do all the work, is he worth it?

All I have to do is look at my kids, and I tell myself, just a little bit longer.

I wonder if there is a better life for me without him? Is there a better life for me with him?

I am open to any suggestions that will help communication between us.

so far what I am doing is not working

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Hi Sue,
It's good to hear from you - I know you are busy. (Busy, what an understatement!)

You can worry.

Thanks, it's nice to have your permission to do what I was going to do anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What could you recommend? Some days I am tired of all of this, and I do think, there has to be something better. Some days, I do wonder why do I have to do all the work, is he worth it?

We don't know if he is worth it, but we know you are. If you don't do your best, you will regret it someday, and also, it would be out of character for you to give less than about 200%.


All I have to do is look at my kids, and I tell myself, just a little bit longer.

They are a great motivation for a mother, but I still think you ought to do it for you, because you deserve it.

I wonder if there is a better life for me without him? Is there a better life for me with him?

I think it is too soon to tell. You wanted to finish school, and get a job before you confronted him. That took a great toll on you, I think more than you believed it would. We were afraid for you the whole time, and we worried you would get to the point where you would just walk away from him.

I am pleased that you are still there, helping him, because I know he needs help. My W could have walked away from me, but she is still here taking care of me, for which I will be eternally grateful. I freely admit I needed the help.


I am open to any suggestions that will help communication between us.
So far what I am doing is not working.


Have you read "Men are from Mars, women from Venus" by John Gray?

I found it a few months ago at a 2nd hand store for $2.00. I tend to stay away from books that get a lot of hype, and I wasn't going to read it, but figured for two bucks, I might as well try it. Remember, this is after nearly 2 1/2 years on MB and I already understand soooooo much. NOT.

I learned a lot - especially about communication with my W. Don't get me wrong, I like the differences between us - at least some of them. It's just that there are some others that I just don't get. I read the book, and I memorized the way I am supposed to do things, and it works, but I don't understand it at all. Sometimes it's like we are aliens in the same house - like we are from different planets. Hmmm, yes, Mars, and Venus.................. that would explain it.

Here are some of the things I got out of it that I think would help you.

There are good times, and bad times to talk. If you try during one of the bad times, you feel unloved, hurt, and like quitting, because you don't get a response that supports and helps you.

This goes for how you do it too, there are better or worse ways to bring things up. Men and women usually go about it differently, and you can usually find ways to do it so that they will respond the way you desire. Same thing as above, if you do it in some ways, you get rejected and wonder if it's time to quit.


I don't think it will be magic, I don't think it will change either of your responses over night, but I think it will help you.

As far as doing the work. Would it offend you if I was to say that I believe that a lot of your feelings now are because of the long time you put in doing all the work with absolutely no help from him. I see that when confronted, he did stay.

He has bad habits to overcome. These are love busters for you, and the fact is, it does continue to take a toll on your feelings for him. He did stay though, and he tries, even if he is still in the fog to a large extent. He may have relapses, almost all addicts do.

He does have an addiction. He made his choice to stay with you, but the addiction takes time to work it self out of the system. It will take time for him to come back and do everything he is supposed to do. I am not making excused for him, he made choices - really bad ones. You can leave if you want, I wouldn't fault you, but that's where he is, and it will take time and love, and help for him to get out of it - even though it is his fault he is there.

So anyway, (I get off track sometimes) it looks like you worked so hard, for so long, with so little result, that you suffered from MB burnout. Don't be afraid to keep it going a little bit, not as hard as you did before, but do a little bit and see if he responds.

After all you have been through, it is fun to dream about a better life, but there are a lot of worse ones out there too, and I am glad my W never gave up on me.

I hope you make it to the bonfire - the kids would love it. Maybe I will even go one of these years.

People still care about you, because you are worth caring about. Did you know that?

SS

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Right now, I just make it through each day.

Still looking for work. The job I have, is okay, but it is not what I want, so I am submitting updated resumes to all the places I want to get hired at.

Marriage, I dont' know where it is at, and right now, I don't put much thought into it.

I know, he is still here, he has not left, so that should speak volumes, however, is he really here? Does he wish he was somewhere else? with someone else? does he regret marrying me? Does he think marriage is some huge joke not to be taken seriously.

I know he has one friend, well, lets put it like this. I dont' know if he would continue being his friend if he knew the truth. If he did continue, I know he would let him know how wrong it is to cheat.

Gotta go drop off resumes

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