Having been betrayed I have often asked myself why I care so much about my spouse and our marriage and family, especially when they have shown very little concern about anything but themselves. I am working very hard to rebuild my marriage, I have looked at myself and all the things that I have done in the relationship and have tried to "right the wrongs", but it seems to me that my wife as well as many betrayers on this site, seem to sit back and wait for the betrayed to rebuild the love that the betrayers have lost. While I agree that we, the betrayed, have not met all of the needs of our spouses, it is they who have done the unspeakable, the ultimate in hurting their spouses, and yet it is they who put the least amount of energy into rebuilding. It seem that they say they want to work things out and rebuild, but it is they who sit back waiting for someone else to bring the love back.................why do we the betrayers care so much, why don't we just get rid of them and move on, why is our love so deep?

FA,<P>Very well put! I wonder whether we are strong and wise or weak and foolish. Much of the time I feel like a first class chump.

I ask myself this same question all the time. Why would I want to continue this relationship when he has done the worst thing a spouse and father could do to me and his family? How do you forgive this? And how do you move on? After eighteen years I am scared to death to have to start over again. A 42 year old woman with four kids!!! I wish I knew what would make someone do this to someone they were suppose to love. When you figure it out please let me know!!!!<P>deb

It is hard for me to read posts like this. I just found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair. I want to leave him but I am scared to death.Then I don't want to leave him. I am so torn. I am the one putting all the effort into this as you said. He just wants to pretend it never happened. Well, I can't do that. We need to work through this. Otherwise it will happen again. I don't want to get burned like this again! It hurts so incredibly bad. I am so afraid that he is still seeing the other woman. He works with her practically every day. So, I know he is still seeing her and talking to her. That just kills me. He even told her that I was going to get counseling. I had to have my say about that. I told him that it is none of her business as to how we work through this. She does not need to know that I am getting counseling. We will never get through this if he doesn't quit talking to her. I want him to quit working there. We can't afford it though. He is finally getting decent wages and he can work all the overtime he wants. So, he does not want to quit. I don't know what to do. It is very hard for me to sit back and watch my life fall apart. We have two boys who are 7 and 9. I keep thinking about how this is affecting them. My husband has not left me and says he does not want to. I offered twice to leave and he said I was rushing things. He knows he is not thinking clearly right now. He said he doesn't want us to make any decisions until he is thinking clearly. So, basically, I have to live in limbo for an undetermined amount of time until he gets his act together. I do so identify with you! This is so unfair to me and my boys. They never did a single thing to deserve this. One thing is that I finally had a good day today. I am able to eat again and sleep again! I decided that I am not going to let myself go to hell for something I had no part in. So, I am trying to take good care of myself. I only lost 8 pounds since I found out. I think I am leveling off on that now! I was getting worried that I might waste away! LOL!!! This does really suck! I want it to all be better now! I want my husband to prove to me that he is truly committed to making this marriage work but it is hard when he tells me he doesn't regret having the affair! His brother thinks that he does regret it but doesn't know how to express it. I just don't know!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH Woozy!

AMEN...<P>I think that we still have some faith that our H/W can go back to (at least close) the person we fell in love with.<P>Jason

While the affair is still going the betrayer doesn't think- my W says that she realizes that what she's is doing is crazy, that she has so much to lose, but yet she can't stop "because there is something". During this period we are supposed to make them feel comfortable at home; I don't know that this is a LB, but as of today I am trying to let her know that although I don't approve of her cheating I'm here for her.<P>After the affair is over, if someone need counseling is the couple, not only the betrayed, or they should try to work things out together. I love my wife deeply and once the affair is over I'll try to make our relationship worthy. If she doesn't cooperate in a reasonably period of time I'll leave or ask her to leave (LB or no LB there's no time for BS).<P>I, you, she, he, we all have a life to live and we will survive, better off with them but even without them we'll survive, one day we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally, we'll the sun shining above us. I won't let the sun set. I'll set myself in front of the sun.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Infidelity is an addiction. Why do people use drugs? To cover up PAIN. People that aren't in pain don't commit adultry.<P>Like it or not we as the betrayed HAVE to own our part in all this. This does not in any way justify the actions of the betrayer.<P>I posted this Tuesday<P>I have to keep in mind why I'm here in the first place.<BR>1 I love my wife<BR>2 I'm committed to my marriage<BR>3 My D deserves to have a 2 parent family<BR>4 It's God's will<BR>5 I want to add at least 50 years to the 8 we have now<BR>6 Robin is the best person I know<BR>7 I took a vow and signed a contract.<BR>8 She hung in for me when I left her 6 mos. pregnant<BR>9 I refuse to let addiction destroy my family<BR>10 I LOVE HER<P>All of our situations differ, I have to look for the similarities and learn from your experience.<P>My wife is sick. She is worth waiting for. I will be here when she is ready to heal.<P><BR>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I was trying to explain this same thing to my sister last night. It is not that I am stupid and I don't know that I deserve better and that he is treating me like crap. There is just this part of me that believes that deep down he still loves me and he is a good person who is just making mistakes. I believe in him even when he doesn't believe in himself...I love him...<BR>I just hope he wakes up soon and realizes that I can't do this forever...<P>Stacy T.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <BR>

I DO ask myself this question sometimes. Although my H & I are working hard at recovering our marriage...I get those bad memories from time to time. I try to remind myself that I married my H for better or for worse and that we still love each other. The marriage is worth saving.

OOOOHHH! I have been feeling the same too. All through our marriage I was the one who worked hard at it. And now I NEED him to show me he is not only willing but interested in working with me. In other words do some research on his own to understand me. Because when I tell him he still doesn't get it or retain for too long.<BR>He expects ME to hand him material I read, gather and collect. It still feels like, You take care of it and tell me about it, kinda thing. HE DID THIS and I am the one who still feels like I am holding the whole bag. Right now, I need a new bag of tricks to help me feel better about myself and these feelings that creep in. I do love him,<BR>but sometimes I wish I didn't.

I started a thread a while back about betraying spouses regaining that "In-Love" feeling and the frustration that I was feeling about working so hard and trying to remain patient, but I am slowly losing that patience. My W tells me that she felt that the sex between her and the OM was so intense and more enjoyable than sex between us, then and now, because of the "newness" and because she felt that he really cared about her. I can see how she felt that while she was in her affair, but I have become very discouraged because despite all the work that I have put into rebuilding and all the love that she has been shown, she says that sex with him is still more enjoyable than with me. She claims that it isn't anything physical or performance related, it's that it was new, as he is the 2nd man that she has ever really been with. If she now realizes that no one could ever love her like I do and she now feels more love for me than she has in years and states that she has never loved anyone like she loves me, then why is their encounters still more enjoyable and fullfilling for her? I am very close to throwing in the towel. We have been together for 12 years, it can't be new again, especially when there is very little effort on her part to bring the "excitement" back into our relationship.<BR>Can't take much more.

FA,<P>I feel your pain. My wife is still in limbo. You raise a good question about why we are all still in this. I know if you would have asked me a couple of years ago if my wife had an affair of anytype would I stick around. Well back then my answer would have been a hard no! Boy how things change. <P>You ask why I stay in my marriage when my wife does not want to. Her are some of my reasons.<P>1. I do still love her and probably always will no matter what.<P>2. The children deserve two parents in their family.<P>3. I really don't want to start all over again with someone else and their whole set of problems.<P>4. Divorce does not make the problems go away. I am still going to have to deal with her as long as the kids are around.<P>5. Fear of the unknown to a certian extent. As bad as things are I can't help but think what if I met someone and this happened all over again.<P>6. Stats that talk about the effects of divorce on kids and the success or lack of second marriages.<P>7. Committment, I made a vow through sickness and health. Right now I view my wife as being sick. I would not walk out on her if she broke her leg. Why should I do that now?<P>I say all this as a person that is very positive towards my life and future. As I read these posts I know that everyone here has and will become even better people. For that we can learn.