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Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am deciding to stick with my decision of telling H after the Holidays. I will try to get into someone for counceling. In the meantime, I will be hanging around here looking for support and new ideas. I still haven't gotten any advise or answers as to HOW TO TELL HIM. Do I just say it right out? I can just hear it now....<BR>"I had an affair that lasted for 14 months." <BR>"Yes, I love him." <BR>"What's that? You want to know every detail?" <BR>"No there was nothing wrong with your and my sex life, we had a great sex life, that is not why I turned to him." <BR>"Why? Because he listned to me, made me feel special, didn't criticize me." <BR>"Where?" <BR>"When?" <BR>"How many times?" <BR>Oh my God!!! I am going to get hit with some ugly questions and that is probably not the only thing I will get hit with! UGH!!!! And I thought I had already been called just about every name in the book. Just thinking about it brings pictures to my mind that are not pretty! I don't know if I can do this... yes... I guess you can call me a coward... at least for now.

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You are NOT a coward!<P>Your H has abused you and you are fearful he might again, and you should be fearful, because this news is the worst anyone can hear. So, find a good counselor, and don't say a word to your H unless you are in his/her office and feel SAFE!<P>~Sheryl

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Thanks Sheryl! Whew... I am breathing now... I do appreciate you....

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You're welcome, Lacee... I don't want to see you hurt, okay?<P>Be careful!<P> ((((((( Lacee )))))))<P>Big, big hugs, Sheryl

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I vote tell, I am a betrayed H, I discovered the EA first, also I needed "all" of the details. My imagination was kicking my butt!, THe more details I knew, the better off I was. Yes they were hard to hear, There was some physical stuff, kissing, hugs, intimate sex talking, but no sex. But She told me everything they did and said. It helped me to understand. We are doing great now, only 3 months into recovery too! Ive even talked to the OM, he is also sorry and working on his marriage. I say tell....of course timing is everything,....maybe not now, but sometime ...<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P>

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Telling always depends on the people/situation. I feel this is a dangerous subject. First get the problems out of the way and make the marriage strong,counseling-commitment-good communication. I believe we love because we need to be loved, so if you want him to love you than devote to him only. I was found out 12 yrs ago and never told all and it killed her and when she did 6 mo. ago it killed me. I gave more info and now it destroys. She hates me now without recovery. Hate has always been there so its not an easy road so I think its better to work on what you have and put this behind you.

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Lacee,<P>If there is a real possibility for abuse, you must be safe and have a plan. Again, you need to discuss this with a counselor who is experienced in abuse (as well as marriage counseling---which is a tough combo to find) well before you think of telling your husband.<P>If you're expecting physical violence, you should be prepared to file a restraining order immediately. You should be prepared to be separated from him for several months while the two of you try to work out your issues in counseling. And if you hear threats coming from him after the initial shock wears off---you should consider divorce.<P>These are all major issues. But again, I believe that he should be told. If he's not, and he finds out later---his reaction will certainly not be any milder.

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Lacee,<P>I read what you wrote on my thread... honey, don't leave this forum. Here's the thing...<P>I don't care if your H only beat the hell out of you once - <B>once is too often</B>!! If there is <B>any</B> chance that there will be violence, hold off telling him about your affair. <P>I agree with K about seeking counseling and seperating from your H during if necessary. But her's what I suspect, and I think that you and I both know, that if you seperate, he will come after you. Am I right?<P>You have to do what you think is right. Only you know your H. <P>I get on a soapbox when I see violence toward anyone in a vulnerable position. You are in a vulnerable position, and so are your children. And so, it seems, is your H. You don't want his threat of suicide to cloud your judgement. If he <B>chose</B> to do that it would not be your fault. I know where you are coming from, my H threatened the same. I actually know someone who threatened this to his W and then went through with it. You and I both know the guilt she felt <B>until</B> she realized that it was <B>his choice</B>, not hers. Yes it would be terrible and sad, but so would it be if your children had no mother and a daddy in jail, unless of course he killed himself after you... then no parents at all. You have a responsibility to your children to be safe. You do <B>whatever</B> it takes to stay that way!

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Lacee, Lacee, Lacee, Lacee (eiram)<P>I will give you my two cents. First of all I understand your need to clear your concience. Wait until your totally healed and prepared to tell him every detail, with out him having to ask. Do not tell him you do not remember. He will know that you are lying. Anyway after you are totally healed tell him in front of a counselor or a Bishop. I know that this will help as I wished it would have happened to me this way. Also make him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is important to you. Tell him too but mostly show him<P>Nofool

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Lacee,<BR>You have gotten some real good advice here. I'm glad you found this board before you tell your husband about your affair. At least you have some information and help to guide you. Bravo for you in your efforts to do the right thing and turn yourself and marriage around. We're all pulling for you!<BR>Speaking from personal experience, my advice to you would be to tell your husband, sometime after you get the holidays behind you. Have a place to flee to, should your husband become violent. Don't tell him with the kids around.<BR>Most importantly, painful as it is, admit the affair. My wife hid her affair from me for 8 years. Eight years of guilt to deal with, 8 years of her pulling away from me because she couldn't handle her guilt and self-loathing for betraying her own standards and her husband who was devoted to her. Like a snowball gathering mass as it rolls down a hill, the hidden effects of guilt, shame, hiding, depression, lack of trust, fear, unresovled feelings of anger, hurt will accumulate until it becomes more than you can handle. Then it will burst into the open in one form or another. Eventually, there may well come a crisis point in which you will be compelled to deliver the truth. Better to do it now rather than later, after the cumulative effects I just described destroy you and your marriage. Hiding it only hurts you and your husband more. What is done in the dark will always, some way, eventually be exposed to the light of day.<BR>I quote from a very good book which gives hope. It deals with the causes, effects, and remedies for the bad choices people make in life:<BR>"The person who carries a secret sentences himself to a dungeon."<BR>-Rebuilding Your Broken World by Gordon MacDonald.<BR>Free yourself from your dungeon! It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. There will be very dark days ahead. But there is always faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love.<BR>Blessings to you for trying to do the right thing!<BR>Pilgrim<BR>

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This is to all of you who have posted since my last reply on this thread. I am very touched by the concern from all of you. I want you all to know that I intend to be very cautious about how I handle telling him. It may still be some time before I do. I have pretty much decided that for now I will talk with my church leader. (Strangly enough, this is something that the OM has been urging me to do for months, since he has been doing it and trying to become worthy so his X wife will let him back into her life.) This will be another tough thing for me to do, considering I have known him (my bishop) since I was a child and we grew up together. This will be a bit humiliating for me, but perhaps a bit easier in its own way. After hearing his advice, I will continue to move in a positive way, as I have been for months now. I can't make any promises as to how soon it will be before I tell him, I can only go with my instincts and be cautious. The physical abuse that only happened once, was a shock to me as well as him. He was so deeply ashamed of himself that he asked me if I wanted him to go away. I can't say for certain if it will happen again. But, like some of you have said, if it happened once... it is very possible that it could again. His frame of mind is what will determine that. If I continue to show him my love and contine to be faithful to him, at least I will have a base of love formed and hopefully he will see that I have really been trying because of my love for him. Right now, this is the best I can do. Please try to understand how much I love him... and how ashamed I am of what I did. <P>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 18, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 18, 1999).]

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Lacee,<P>I want to encourage you to read "Francis's" postings on the Why Women Leave Men" forum of this site. Her counselor gave a very interesting and effective strategy for breakng the news of her affair to her H. I believe you would gather much insight from her posting but particularly the portion about breaking the news to her H.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL

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Whodat,<BR>Hey, my ears are burning! <P>Lacee,<BR>My H never laid a hand on me, but had "pushed around" a past girlfriend. I had no reason to believe he would hurt me physically. HOWEVER, he had displayed occasions where he was very emotionally abusive towards me. I confessed because I was tired of being afraid of him and desperately wanted to save our marriage. I waited 6 months before confessing because I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it to relieve my guilt and that I was sure I truly wanted to save the marriage. Otherwise, why go through all that cr*p? Yes, Whodat is right. I wish I had not confessed now for a number of reasons.<P>1. My primary goal was preservation of my marriage. He didn't forgive me and divorced me.<P>2. He was extremely abusive emotionally, the scars of which I am still trying to recover from. <P>3. There is more than one way to solve a problem, and what works for some people may not work for others.<P>4. Absolute honesty is for absolute idealists. <P>5. Abusers don't deserve honesty. Don't care how disrespectful it is. Your safety is more important. <P>Are you sure you really want to save this marriage? Maybe you are just afraid you won't be able to take care of your 5 children by yourself? That is understandable, but believe me, it will be much, much harder to get the child support you need if infidelity is thrown into the picture. He might even try to prove somehow you are an unfit mother. Don't want to scare you, but his past behavior shows he is not respectful of you. <P>My ex is doing just fabulous now, thanks to my wonderful confession. He took all of his anger out on me, punished me for a good year or so till he got it all out of his system, then dumped me a week after I found out my mom had cancer. So my advice is don't do it. Don't confess. All the people who tell you to confess have never been abused (from what I can tell). They don't understand the dynamics, plus, they obviously have had success and their marriages are still together. From someone who has been there...don't do it. They also don't have 5 children to support. The guilt you feel right now is NOTHING, NOTHING compared to what your H might do to you. Leave him first, then see what his reaction is. That should be a pretty good indicator.

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I am a betrayed husband and my W told me about her affair 2 weeks after it began (it's still going on, though). It hurt a lot, she almost didn't tell me, probably that evening I could had managed to have her end that relationship, but I couldn't even think at the moment and despite of all the pain I am grateful, since I am learning a lot out of this and so is she.<P>But, each marriage is different. She managed to tell me this way because our communication used to very good (and now it's at its highest). In your case you first need to achieve good communication w/ your H AND improve other areas in your marriage. Once you reach a level of openness and honesty that feels right, then tell him. And yes, get a good counselor.<P>Alex<BR><P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

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I disagree with the magnificient and I MEAN magnificient Dr. Harley on only 1 issue. (After all, this forum isn't a cult is it?) It pays to be street smart. Many respected counselors will tell you that there are times when you should NOT tell your spouse about an affair.<P>This is one of those times. The Harley complete honesty principle is TOTALLY based upon the possibility that your spouse might find out anyway. What if your spouse never finds out? It does happen sometimes boys and girls. What if you find a solution to all of the problems without vomiting up all the lurid details the affair? Isn't that the best possible outcome?<P>Good luck.<BR>

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Lacee - Like you, I am new here. I didn't come to this board until after I told my H (I wish I came here first though). I have to admit that I had no intentions to tell my H at all - EVER. My OM encouraged me to and I trusted him (and now feel grateful to him). The dishonety was not who I am and I knew that I had to tell him eventually. I also knew that my marriage could not begin to heal until everything was out in the open. How could a marriage begin to rebuild if one person doesn't know that anything is broken? I am glad that you have made the difficult decision to tell your husband.<P>I do share everyone else's concern with the posibility of it getting physical when you tell him. Having someone else there is a very good idea. I had no idea what my H would do but violence was the least of my worries.<P>This is how I did it:<BR> <BR>Infidelity was the only subject in our marriage that never got discussed. It is the one thing that my H hated in this world more than anything. My H's parent's split when he was 17 because his mom was having an affair (she even attempted suicide a couple of times after). He hated it so much that even if we watched a movie that had any form of infidelity in it - he'd walk out of the room (movie theatre or not). I knew all of this and I still decided to tell my H. I chickened out a couple of times but actually got my strengh from this site. I knew my H was laying on the couch watching TV and I came onto the computer to read about HONESTY within a marriage. I was upset after reading so I ceased the moment and went to lay with him on the couch. I didn't face him because if I did - I maybe couldn't have done it. I asked him to turn off the TV so we could talk. As we talked - I told him about how I have been feeling the past couple of months. He responed by blaming himself and telling me that he will try and be a better husband to me. That killed me because I was about to hurt him in the worst way possible and he was putting himself 'down'. I began my telling him that I have hurt him and he didn't even know how. I knew that questions from him would follow that I would have to answer (I thought it would be easier to answer questions instead of trying to find the words myself). His heart pounded against my back as our 'conversation' went on. I gradually told him how I started to develop feelings towards another man... that led to more. That is when he asked the question, "did you sleep with him!!!?!!!" I responded with a "yes". I cannot even explain how that felt. How much hurt and pain I put him and myself thru after that. It all seems so blurry to my now but I was being honest and I knew that if I had nothing else - I had that.<P>One thing before I go - if you decide to wait until after Christmas, be prepared. If he knew that you made your decision well before you actually went thru with it - that could end up adding more pain to the cut. My suggestion is to keep asking questions here. I have received some really great advice and the support is unbelievable here. Take care of yourself and keep posting.<P>Brynn

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Thank you so much everyone for continuing to add to this thread! I have gotten such wonderful suggestions from all of you. It is almost like taking a bit from everyone and putting the puzzle together. I am still absorbing all of the information and advice from you all. I do want you all to know how very much I appreciate your taking the time to reply with care and consideration and for your prayers, blessings and wishes for my safety. Thank you again and I will continue to read and post and eventually, I will get through this mess. Take care everyone and Holiday wishes to you all....

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Cuckold:<P>I have to disagree with you on this point:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What if you find a solution to all of the problems without vomiting up all the lurid details the affair? Isn't that the best possible outcome?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is <B>not</B> the best possible outcome, because that secret is STILL between you. I don't believe that this site is a "cult" either, but Dr. Harley is <B>dead-on</B> accurate when he says you can't have complete recovery without total honesty.<P>A betrayed spouse deserves to make his or her decision to stay in the light of the truth. Sure, it IS possible to go on with life never spilling your guts about what you've done to your spouse, but don't you think it will always be in the back of the betrayer's mind SOMEWHERE?<P>Even if a betrayed spouse never "knows," it's impossible to hide ALL of the evidence. I suspected my wife for some time before I found out, but I couldn't bring myself to believe the evidence I was seeing. All I knew is that something wasn't adding up. I dare say EVERY betrayed spouse here probably had that same "gut" feeling for at least a while before the truth came out.<P>You can't hide this kind of thing from EVERYONE. Somebody out there knows, and you can never be sure what that somebody may do. I can tell you this -- it's better to have it come from the betrayer than to come from somebody else.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

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I urge you to wait to tell your H until you feel safe with him completely. Even with another person present at the time you tell him will be difficult because of the aftermath when you are alone.<BR>I had an affair that resulted in pregnancy (I thought I was infertile) and two days after I found out I told my H that I was pregnant with the OM baby. At first I thought he took it whether well then he blew up like a volcano and didn't stop for two years.<BR>He wanted to know everything about the affair and I did not want to give any details because I was afraid for myself and the OM. That just enraged him. My pregnancy was miserable. I could not be happy because I was pregnant, he tortured me for seven and half months. I begged him to stop not for my sake but for the baby's but he kept yelling and belittling me until I ended up in the hospital with premature labor. It stopped for awhile after that. but something would snap inside his head and start it again. He also was drinking very heeavily at this time.<BR>I ended up having my baby 6 1/2 weeks early and he was in the hospital for twelve long long days. My husband accepted this baby as his own and we became a family for a short time. He kept pressing for details about the other man and I would not tell him anything that he needed to know because I was so scared him.<BR>(he never hit me with his hands just his words) This went on for 16 months with this volcano steaming and ready to blow at any time until 2 months ago when he had been drinking and something snapped in him and he became a raving luntic he would not stop yelling at me until he got tired and left me shaking under ablanket scared for my life.<BR>When I awoke the next morning he was very apoligetic and sweet like he always was after he abused me, but the next day he was still sorry and very gentle with me. This went on for a week before I told him I really like the new you, and he saind thanks for noticing. He became a new person, he was so sorry for everything he had done to me and he was tired of all the rage that was in him. He changed for himself, but in fact when he changed I changed also. He became the person I married again but better in so many ways. We actually started communicating, he explained to me without yelling what my affair had done to him and how this angry monster became bigger and bigger until he changed. As time went on without the rage i became more open about the affair and told him the details he wanted. I was very scared at the time but I trusted him that he could take it without the volcano exploding and I was right. He listened and after everything was out he hugged me and forgave me. It has been a long road for this and just recently i realized what the vebal abuse has done to me. If he yells in anger even when it is not directed at me I flinch as if I had been hit. That is where I am now.<BR>Please don't tell him until you are sure on what he is going to do

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You've gotten a lot of advice already, but let me add my 2cents.<P>My h sat me down and told me on Oct 29. I was devastated, but we are recovering. I discovered this site before I knew of the EMR and set up a session with Jennifer Harley (on the phone) because I felt we needed help since he was so withdrawn. I think the way he told me made a very difficult situation better.a) he told Harley 1st and she coached him on how to tell me. After a month of coldness, he was warm and assured me he wanted only our marriage and was prepared to follow all the Harley steps; especially honesty. b)He answered all my questions and shared all the emails. In his case there were two affairs and he was open about all of it. This has helped me trust that he is not keeping anything from me now, since he so openly told me. c)Through all the hurt, he has not blamed me or been defensive.<P>Another thing no one has mentioned!! The following week was pure hell. Fortunately, it coincided (he didn't plan as well as you) to be two days before we went on a cruise. He was in major withdrawal while I was in shock, but we somehow helped each other along. If you can time it so you can take a week off, it helped me not to have to function as usual.<P>Finally, I had been reading Harley's books since I became aware we were drifting and I was very aware that night that punishing him would get ME nowhere. It sounds crazy, but I reached out to him and made love to him. Then I was up all night while he slept like a baby.<P>I don't know if your h might get violent or if it was more the alcohol. The worst I did was break a glass (not aimed at him). So do listen to others on that.<P>As to whether to tell: our pastor had advised he wait our marriage was strong, I DO NOT agree. I think the Harleys are right about honesty being the only way to real intimacy. He had also attempted to break contact before, but had gone back to the ICQ chats. Only after he told me was there a clear "my wife knows, no contact at all, etc." letter.

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