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#436816 09/20/03 07:48 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
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I just posted the following to Marriedgirl on the EN forum.

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MG:

I also think you need to focus on different aspects of the MB program than the ones it seems (to me) you stress. Stop worrying about his ENs and your ENs.

I think you need to start POJA'ing every decision. Whether he agrees to POJA or not. I don't mean you always do what he wants. I mean that you NEVER do what you are not enthusiastic about doing. Even if that means your house is a mess, and there are no clean clothes in the dresser, and there is no food in the refrigerator.

You say "I'm tired of having to do everything while he has sex with me, then he plays computer games and watches porn." Well, let me fill you in on a secret. You don't HAVE to do most of the things you are doing. You CHOOSE to do them. You could also choose not to.

I know. Pot calling kettle black. Easier said than done. I complain about this myself. So I haven't figured out for myself how to flick the switch in your head that let's you NOT do what you feel you should. But that is what you need to learn to do.

So next time you see a pile of laundry. And you are too tired to do it. Do not TELL your husband you want him to do the laundry. Ask him. If he says "yes" then great. If he says "no", perhaps not as great. But no biggie.

You are then left with a pile of dirty laundry. Do NOT react by immediately picking it up and washing it. Do NOT react by complaining that your husband is lazy and immature. Ask yourslf if you are enthusiastic about doing the laundry at that moment. If not, then DON'T do it. Leave it for later. Even of that means no one in the house has any clean clothes.

As any guy here who lived alone will tell you, no one ever died from putting on dirty clothes for a second wearing. They may smell. But you don't get sick just from wearing them.

Know what I hear coming across loud and clear? That you aren't thrilled that you keep choosing to do everything. And you want your husband to help you do some of the things you have chosen to do. Even though he doesn't care about them. And even though you, if you thought about it, would probably agree it is better if NEITHER of you does them.

So relax. Take some time to review the list of the things you feel you HAVE to do. See if there aren't several items that you could choose not to do.

I want you to break out of the dynamic you are in. The one that Carina Dream seems locked in. Choosing to do things. Then being mad at yourself for taking on more than you can handle. Then taking out your anger and frustration on your husband. For not helping you perform all the tasks that you undertook without his enthusiastic agreement. Heck without your own enthusiastic agreement.

Why should he agree to help with those things? Why should he HELP you work yourself to exhaustion. When someone is drowning, most times a rescuer will NOT jump in with you. They will throw you a line. While they stay at a safe place. No sense both people drowning.

So when you are drowning. And part of you thinks "why isn't my husband jumping in to share this with me?" Perhaps he is wisely choosing NOT to get caught in the same rip tide you chose to swim in.

Remember, POJA doesn't only protect you from your spouse's Taker. It also protects you from your own Giver.

Don't think POJA only helps you when your husband is asking you to do something. It also helps when you are thinking about doing something but are UNenthusiastic enough about it that you are asking your husband for help. If he turns you down. Which he is fully entitled to do. Then ask yourself. Do I enthusiasticly agree to do this by myself? If not, then don't do it.

And if you can follow this advice, let me know how. Because I would love to.

#436817 09/21/03 07:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
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Ya make me proud, grasshopper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I personally believe that one of the best ways to cement these concepts into our heads is to say them over and over again. Volunteering here and for weekend couples along with coaching have done so much for me, it's been the switch for the illumination in my own head.

When we are emotionally removed from the situation.... as when we hear others' stories, it's so much easier to see how the concepts apply. And when we give good sound MB advice, backed up with links or pages, it begins to create that understanding in our own heads. From there it's not such a big leap to knowing and acting on the right thing in our own lives.

Long before I started coaching, when I was simply posting about love busters, particularly DJ's (my all time favorite LBer of choice) and scripting better ways to say things, I would hear something start to come out of my own mouth and then literally see in my head what I had written for someone else. Finally it began to click.

The phrases that I encourage other's to use... "How would you feel about," "What would it take," "I'm wondering if there's a way we could make this work," and so many more bercame second nature for me in part because I write them over and over (and over and over and over) every day.

Beginning with POJA, writing about the basics and moving on to the subtlties of respectful negotiation is the best place you can can begin to do the same kinds of things. There is no better starting place. Nice work.

C


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