A friend of mine just told me about this site and I've spent the last 2 hours reading through the postings here. Some has helped, but crap I'm still clenching my teeth and driving my fingernails into my palms.

I was so utterly clueless......

I was on a business trip and decided to cut it short and come home to surprise my lovely wife. Caught a cab at the airport and got home around 11:30 last night.

Guess what? A strange car in the driveway should have sent a warning shot across my bow, but I just said to myself, who could that be? Open the front door and walked in. Shut door. Put suitcase down and keys on table. Hear laughing from the back of the hous, thought the tv was on.

Walk to the back and into bedroom. Standing on bed was a naked man I've never seen before. Slowly looked up and saw now unlovely wife against headboard completly nude as well.

That image is still burned on my eyes.

As I stood there the W looked over and saw me. She went white. The OM looked over and then ran to the bathroom.

Something in me snapped.

I went ice cold.

I stared at W for what seems like forever....thoughts, memories flashed before my eyes of our past. It was like I was dying. My life running through my head as I stood there.

I walked over to the bedside table and opened the drawer. I took my handgun that I keep in there and walked into the bathroom. He was in there sitting on the foor putting his shoes on.

I looked him right in the eyes and raised the gun. He saw it and screamed. Suddenly I am hit from the rear and my head spins. I felt no pain, only the impact. I never saw what hit me, but it pretty much dropped me to the ground.

Out of the corner of my eye I see OM run past me and hear W yelling at him to get out now. I stagger to my feet and run after him. I get outside as he drives off. I quickly take plate number.

Wife is yelling at me now. She has phone and is calling 911. I sit down on front stoop and let numbness come over me. Next thing I know police are there with paramedics. I look down and notice gun is gone and medics are examining my head. I see all this like I'm not there. It's like I'm just an observer. I remember little about the ride to the hospital or of the 12 staples and 16 stiches put into the back of my scalp. They admit me for observation and I fall completely asleep.

That was last night. I woke up this morning to see W crying in my hospital room. It all came flooding back to me in a wave. I got myself out of bed and got dressed. She was begging me to get back in bed, but she was dead to me. I was ignoring her.

I asked for the car keys and she begged to let me drive us home. I said fine and we checked out of hospital AMA and went home. When we got there I told her it was done, over. She had 20 minutes to get her stuff out of my house and that I never wanted to see her again. With much begging and screaming on my part she left 4 hours ago.

I am numb. What do I do?

Oh God.....

How does a man handle this? I just took a chainsaw to my bed. The room is wrecked. All down the hall where there were once pictures of us are now ugly gouges and glass and wood on the floor. I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs while I was doing this. I'm not thinking. Can't think. I'm just acting. I look down and see the greasy chainsaw on my carpet at my feet. It's like begging me to unleash it again.....she has clothes left.....

You've taken the first step, by confiding in a friend who was wise to direct you here.
Your reaction to finding your wife and this man was certainly extreme - understandable, but extreme.
Now, you need to Take Control and not be out of control. You are in shock, so it is no wonder you are feeling numb. Give yourself some time first of all before making any decisions.
The pain of betrayal is the worst, that is for sure, and it isn't something you can just snap out of either....there is a long process ahead of you.
All I can say - is One Day at a Time for now. You need to ask yourself and obviously your wife some tough questions...
GET HELP!! Seek a professional for some individual counselling and if you have a trusted friend (which it seems you do) then lean on them when you need to.
You will get lots of wise advice here..right now you have just been blindsided with the worst thing - betrayal and lies...

You can recover, you will recover - whether it is with your wife or not. It all takes TIME! Keep posting. Ask questions, vent.

Okay - so I was posting my first reply before seeing your second post.

STOP THE DESTRUCTION----IT WON'T HELP!!! IT WON'T EASE THE PAIN...STOP STOP STOP.

Call your friend - don't be alone.

Use this site...scream on the page...we've heard it...heck most of us have done it. All our stories are unique but there are VERY common feelings that run through us all. There is a large community of people willing to help, to listen. We are all in various stages of recovery...finding out...losing our M...finding our M again.

You have a great deal of anger/rage/strength/energy. What can you put it to use doing that is creative rather than destructive.

Ask yourself...what do I want?

Wow, there are really people out there.

The police were just here. Responding to a call from neighbors that they heard shots. They did. I found where my W hid my gun and shot out the tv and her dressing mirror. I've shredded all her clothes and have a nice shoe fire going out in the back yard. I am numb again.

I need to stay numb.

Rage is my only other option.

Detached and numb, or rage and out of control.

My friend is on her way over now.

Please keep talking to me.

Dear Out of Control,

My heart goes out to you and I am adding you to the top of my prayer list.

Please continue to post here and we will help and support you. The friends you will meet here are wonderful and can help in your weakest moments.

Also, continue to use that friend that is on her way over. You shouldn't be alone...not now.

And I know it may be hard to think of now...get professional help immediately. That will be crucial to helping you cope and figure things out.

And finally, I don't know if you are a Christian or not. But I highly recommend that you cry out to God. He will listen and give you strength. Ask for wisdom, strength and guidance---tell him that you will walk down the path He wants you on--He just needs to show you what he wants you to do. Pray for a sense of peace to come over you so you can deal with things in a manner you should. These will all be things I will pray for you as well.

Blessings to you.

Out of Control,

oops, read post below this.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Out of Control,

First things first. {{{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}} So sorry you are going thru this and welcome to the Marriage Builders forum. Now, down to business.

Okay, so you have just found out in the worst possible way.

You have freaked out and done your damage. This is understandable considering your circumstances. I hope your friend has shown up and is helping you get control of your feelings.

I have been praying for you the moment I read your post.

Now, the thing to do is step back from all of this. You have been injured and have a possible concussion. You need to rest. I know this is hard, but if you could go back to the emergency room and get something to help calm you down it would be the best right now. Do what ever it takes to get control of yourself, RIGHT NOW!!!!!

You are in shock and not thinking or acting in a logical way that is healthy for you or the situation. You must love your WS very much to flip out like this. I am sure you did not have a clue.

When you are able to talk to your WS you need to find out what has gone wrong, when, where, and why. I am sure she is as freaked out as you are.

Right now you need to break that chain saw and GET RID OF THE GUN. This is not about you. This is about your WS (wayward spouse) and the choices she has made. Sounds like you are out of town a lot. At least that is what I gleaned from your first post. At least call a crisis hotline and see if they can help you.

Please read read read the Marriage Builders principals and get as much information as you possibly can.

PLEASE, step back from your emotions and look at what is the HEALTHIEST thing you can do for yourself right now. Take care of you please.

From the three options that you stated, I, in my very humble opinion, suggest that detachment is your best possible option at this time. I really feel for you. I know EXACTLY where you are.

Praying that your friend is there and letting you vent. I hardly ever post anymore but I really felt the need to respond to you.

All MB Christians, please start praying for Out of Control. Pray that God will help him get in control and do what is best for himself and this terrible situation!!!

Wise ones, please respond to this guy! He needs help!!! Orchid, Zorweb, Starfish*, ANYONE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Praying for you and your WS. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

She is here now, she being my W's twin sister. I've been sitting here staring at the wall for I don't know how long. We talked for a few minutes and she is now trying to clean up. Seems she had concerns about her sister, but had no idea they had gone this far.

She was crying in my lap. I was looking down at her thinking this is how my W should be. Here was a person that's done nothing but good for me and she was feeling guilty. My heart went out to her, which shocked me because I thought it was dead.

My home now looks as wrecked and my life feels. I was walking down the hall and saw a piece of a photograph of my W and I and thought how could I do that to Stacy....err W's sister.

So I came in here and sat. Looking at the wall. Trying to keep the rage at bay.

Thank you for the kind words and concerns....
I am fighting my demons now and it's full scale war.

Out of Control,

Read my edited post and know that we are here with you.

Your wife is scared sh!tless right now. I am glad her sister is there to help you.

This is not war. This is about your wife and her problems and her choices. YOU did not choose this.

STEP BACK, and get yourself on an even keel, this is NOT war, this is a call to find out what is up and take control of yourself. You obviously love your wife very much, and you need to take a look at the whole situation, remove yourself emotionally, and decide what it is you really want.

And give yourself a little time and some forgiveness for your reaction, you need time to process all of this. Feelin' it all for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

OOC,

I would like to reiterate what you have been told. Give the gun to someone, the keep for awhile. There is NO NEED for you to go to jail for something SHE did. That is just plain dumb. Same with OM, don't go near him even if you do find out who he is. I would suspect that at this point he is NOT interested in seeing you again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't a few skid marks in his shorts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Then, do what Miss M says and go back to the hospital and get checked again. All of this activity, and the head wound are not to be played with.

I realize you really don't give a Rat's A$$ about much of anything now, but you will. It will take time but you will care about yourself and your life. So calm down, no need for more destruction, nor for revenge. It will come in due time OOC.

What did you tell the police when they showed up? I hope they understood, but don't fire that weapon again. You could hurt one of your neighbors doing that.

Get some rest, take some vacation time, see a doc about Anti-D's. They will take the edge off of things and help you cope. AND OOC, do one thing. TALK. If you have a minister or clergyman of any sort, a good friend, whatever, talk, and talk, and talk. Cry and talk some more.

You will get through this. You will heal. And oddly I suspect you will have an opportunity to decide if YOU want your marriage to continue. Don't be in a hurry to make ANY MAJOR DECISIONS.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

W's sister just came in with the golf club my W hit me with. It's my wedge. Never could get the hang of using that club.

W's sister says she's staying the night. She's in cooking dinner. Food. The thought makes me sick.

Called work today, taking a 30 day LOA.

Just got off phone with my attorney. He's checking plate and will get back to me. Now thinking about OM. This guy is going to pay. Oh man.....the rage damn I need to maintain.

Marriage is done. How can anyone do this to someone they say they love? No I don't travel much. Maybe 5 days a month. I have treated her like a queen. Trips abroad, jewelry, you name it. I've always been honest with her and thought we had a great relationship. Guess she's not who I thought she was.

W's sister has always told me I've treated her good. She's told me she wishes she could find someone that would treat her as good. Seems I married the wrong sister.

Damn.....

Damn, this hurts

OOC,

Don't focus on the OM. He did what your W let him do. And while I know you don't believe this NEITHER of them did this to YOU. They did it because they wanted to do it and the focus was on themselves NOT you. You are collateral damage in this mess.

So as far as revenge on OM, just let him be for right now.

I would also NOT make any decisions about your marriage right now. But, do make sure your accounts are protected and that your W cannot drive you into bankruptcy. Get a separation agreement done if that is what lawyer recommends.

OOC, I will offer you two quotes that you need to really think about. The first is very important to you RIGHT NOW.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Do you understand this. IF you try to get revenge on your W or OM, the odds are high that YOU will pay the greater price. It is not supposed to happen that way. So back off.

The next quote will make more sense to you in a few days
"The best revenge is a life well lived."

Being in jail for beating up OM or hurting your W or anyone else is NOT the best revenge. What you need is something much more cunning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm thinking being very successful and happy. That will do the trick, but it takes time.

Which leads to the last one Revenge is a dish best served COLD.

Don't do any thing in haste or anger.

hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

To make matters worse......

I was just sitting here and heard crashing noises in the kitchen. Walked out and W was there throwing a fit. She was screaming at her sister and throwing the dinner she was making all over the place. W was saying stuff like "well you've always said you wished you could have had him" and stuff like that.

Then she see's me and starts crying asking to stay. I told her I never wanted to see her again and that we were through. She was begging me on the floor and sobbing. I felt nothing but disgust. I told her to leave now. Run to your 'f'ing lover. She got up and left. I watched her drive off and felt....nothing. I then went back to the kitchen and helped Stacy clean up. We bumped into each other while doing it and then we ended up hugging on the floor.

I started crying.....

I really wept.....

We laughed a bit and then she kissed me.

She just left to get some take out. Now I'm totally confused.

I'm reeling

a thought keeps going through my mind.....it's my wife like before she was tainted.

a new feeling is intruding on my rage. It's fear.

ummmmmm....I think someone is trying to pull our legs here guys. Things don't add up. See my posts in GQII. Of course if this is the real thing, I apologise, but.....

Hmm, wondering the same thing.
OOC - if you are for real - the twin sister cannot be your "rock to lean on" ---clearly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by OutOfControl:
<strong>Wow, there are really people out there.

I need to stay numb.

Rage is my only other option.

Detached and numb, or rage and out of control.

My friend is on her way over now.

Please keep talking to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry, I read your post and had to respond. I pray that your friend has arrived and is helping you to sort through your feelings. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by OutOfControl:
<strong> Now thinking about OM. This guy is going to pay.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is not the one that you should be angry with. She was the one who was married to you and hurt you. I would not blame you if you did not want to go back. This happened to me 10 years ago, I know what you are going through, but I SWEAR it will get better..... praying for you....