I need help. My husband has verbally abused me for the last two years, he has recently stopped but I am still scared of him. He has changed for the better but whenever he gets angry and yells I want to curl up in a little ball and hide. I know the reason for the abuse is because I had an affair and I had a child with the OM. It is very complicated but we have remained together and our marriage is beginning to heal. I just need help on working through the pain of the abuse. I do love him and he knows he abused me and he wants to make it up to me but I can't get over this pain. Please help if you can

Welcome <B>Ashley</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>I'm glad that you are on the good roadt recovery...<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Most of the people here are in some way still deeply invovled in the affairs... but there are several working through recoveries... and a few who also have "Other Children"(OC)<P>There is good learning here aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, or in the past... is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR><B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>Post... Post... Reply... Reply... READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Just from what I gather of your situation... the pain and abuse... perhaps some formal counseling may be helpful. Have you tried counseling recently?<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

welcome ashley- try <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> for the abuse issues- lots of good stuff.

Ashley--<P>"I know the reason for the abuse is because I had an affair and I had a child with the OM." <P>Of course your affair and the issue of OM's child are things you and H need to resolve, but I disagree. That is NOT the reason for the verbal abuse. The real reason is that your H did not control himself. We all must take responsibility for our own actions. And you must continue to help each other heal.<P>Tell your H how you are feeling. He should be able to tell you his feelings also. Try scheduling a time with him when you will be uninterrupted, and speak to each other calmly and respectfully. It would be ideal if you could share this website and the information found herein WITH your H. You may want to try counseling if that's possible, and agreeable. A counselor can help you both deal with problems, like feelings of guilt you may still be experiencing, and anger management for your H.<P>Good luck!

I am glad to hear that he has stopped. I and the girls attend Domestic Violence classes once a week and I have been put on the coalition for Women against Domestic Violence in my county. One reason I sit on there is because I am not a victim of Physical Violence (for the most part....pushing and shoving, even though that is physical violence) I am there to show and talk about the effects of emotional abuse. My H (soon to be ex) has verbally abused both myself and the children. The affects are not visible. There are no broken bones or bruises. And from my support group I have learned that the lasting affects of verbal abuse are much longer and deeper than physical violence. There are some great books out there and both of you should read them. He needs counseling.....even though he has stopped. It is always there and it can lead to physical abuse. Although I love my H still, I can tell you that although I miss him terribly, I do not miss the "attacks" on my character and self-esteem. He was the betrayer and I took every nasty word he said because I wanted to show him just how much I loved him. I still cry when I think of the words. They still hurt. Let him know he scares you. Sometimes that helps. Let him know when the words hurt you. That is very important. Good luck with everything.<BR>Nancy

Ashley,<P>I would like to respond to your posts and offer advice or support, but I am confused. I read your post to Lacee. There you talk with about having an affair and a baby by the OM. You also say that you would not tell your H about the details of the affair. According your posts this lead to great anger by him toward you and he would yell at you and verbally abuse you. Nowhere in that post or this post is there any thoughts that your behavior (in someways abusive in itself, by not telling him what he so desperately wanted to know) and his behavior (I am not excusing it) are connected.<P>Even more importantly, was caused by a single event, which he apparently had to overcome with little or no help from you. I know I am sounding harsh here, but I am not. I just would like to better understand the problem. <BR>You are still afraid that he will yell at you, correct? But you say that you have now told him what he wanted to know. Further, that he had quit yelling at you before you told him. Where are you coming from? He must love you dearly to still be with you after what you did. He has quit this behavior on his own. He is not doing this behavior. He realized this was bad and asked your forgiveness.<P>Is your problem that you cannot forgive him? Is your problem you are contemplating another affair and worry about his response? Are you keeping other things from him that are as explosive as an affair and pregnancy?<P>I can only say that if the question is really #1 above, then consider this. He has obviously forgiven you the worst betrayel one human can do to another (an affair and off-spring by OP). I will bet that at some points in this he wished you had just shot him. Now, if you are having trouble forgiving him, then you need to think about why and talk with him. You may well need counseling, but please recall his verbal abuse of you did not occur in a vacuum and had a very definite trigger. That trigger is gone now ( I hope) and therefore there is very good chance that he will not return to this behavior.<P>Is there more to this story, that leads to your concerns? Was he this way before the affair (you don't say)? In summary, if you want to get over some of this you will probably need to do what he did. You will need to forgive him and talk with him and love him. <P>God Bless You Both<P>JL<P>

Ashley:<P>Until I read your post under Lacee's thread, I thought that maybe my wife had come to visit...<P>Amongst the things that I had done to drive my wife away from me was verbal abuse---mainly in the form of disrespectful judgements (as opposed to "angry outbursts"). And she had an affair, and our third child is a product of that affair. In addition, she still works on getting over some of the "pain from the past".<P>Here's my take---your husband has done a very good job in changing his behavior to suit the marriage. Not perfect, but very good. I think that you would really be helped by doing joint counseling with Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). Steve will be able to help you and your husband get over this hump and continue the recovery of your marriage. He's a great counsleor, he's very convenient (it's phone counseling), extremely effective, and reasonable.<P>I don't think it would take much time for you to get through this if you were counseling with him. Your husband would be reminded that it's his #1 goal to keep all anger in check (even if it's not directed at you). You'd certainly have some exercises to do as well, probably focused on the Rule of Complete Honesty and using the Policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate.<P>As Jim (NSR) points out, there's a wealth of information on this website. Get familiar with the concepts, read the Q&A's and the articles. I'd also suggest that you order the book "Give and Take" from the website bookstore---it'll be a good place for you to start.

I would like to thank you for you responses.<P><BR>Just Learning,<BR>My H had a problem with anger before the affair; he would always hold it in until he blew up. After the affair, it became a lot more frequent. The anger would escalate after he had been drinking. He drank heavily before and after the affair.<BR>While I probably should have told him what he needed to know, I chose not to at the time<BR>because I feared the safety of my unborn child and myself. My H had a right to be angry because I betrayed him he had no right to abuse me like he did.<BR>He stopped on his own that is correct but that was after he tortured me with his words for sixteen months. I could not tell him or I believe he would have killed me, and he has admitted that he is not sure how he would have handled it.<BR>I am not contemplating another affair, why would I be here at this board asking for help to save my marriage. I am having trouble forgiving him at this point, perhaps because I still fear it may return. It has only been less than two months since he stopped. Before the affair my h and I were very open with each other then he became depressed with work related issues (I was very supportive of him during that time) He stopped communicating at this time and I was going through some trying times also. Needless to say the affair happened.<BR>I would like to point out that an affair is not "the worst betrayel one human can do to another" however it maybe the worst thing that has ever happened to you.<BR>The affair was over when I found out that I was pregnant, our marriage was in shambles, I was confused. Perhaps it was unfair to tell my H about the affair when I was unwilling to answer his questions but at that time had I not been pregnant I would not have told him at all.<BR>Yes he does love me dearly and I am lucky to have this man raising my son as his own and for that I am very grateful. But up until two months ago he admitted that he did not love me. We stayed together for several reasons and that is where I am now still scared whenever he raises his voice. <BR>The anger problems are his and so are the triggers. He had a right to be angry but how he chose to release at me was wrong. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what they did.<BR>And as for being harsh, yes you were and I feel as a first time poster I deserved to be treated with a little more kindness. Yes you may ask questions but do not assume the answers before I have a chance to answer you. I hope the first time you posted no one was a harsh as you. I called out for help and if it wouldn't been for the other posts I may have never found the courage to keep crying out for help.<BR>

Ashley,<P>I am sorry that you took my post as harsh. I was not trying nor wish to be harsh with you. However, you did not state what you really wanted to know, nor what the situation is or was. I was trying to remind you, that in order to get over your H's abuse, you need to come to some understanding as to whether it was triggered by the affair and your subsequent refusal to provide information or if something else is ongoing. <P>Hence the question about the possibility of something else. You are right this is a marriagebuilders forum and this is the infidelity forum. Your question had to do with a different issue albeit one apparently derived from having an affair.<P>You make an interesting statement one in I which a agree but am puzzled about. " No one deserves to be abused, no matter what they did." If you believe that, then is there any chance that you will forgive your H in your current mindset? Frankly, I can think of a variety of things that might justify abuse or worse. You clearly think that affairs and having OM's child are not that bad for H and didn't constitute abuse of his emotional state. <P>Here is what I am driving at. You have come to this board for help. People here will try to do their best, myself included, to help you. However, the bottom line is that you will have to help yourself. What does that mean to you? Does it mean having a good marriage to your H with out abuse? (I hope so.) Does this mean leaving your H? Does this mean getting along as with H as long as what he says doesn't bother you? You see abuse is to somewhat in the eye of the beholder. <P>It seems to me that if your H is working on controlling the abusive behavior and its main trigger is the affair and your responses (or lack of them) following the affair, then unless you are involved in another affair, the main trigger has been removed. Whew, a long sentence . This leads to two things. One he has to continue this improved behavior and two you have to forgive him and understand what you did do to him to trigger this behavior. This doesn't necessarily mean that he can never be angry again. <P>It seems to me that counseling as suggested by others here would be of real benefit to both of you.<P>In summary I am not condoning his behavior but to get back to a situation where you are comfortable and confident in your H, you need to fully appreciate what your roll in all of this was/is. It seems to that this is a matter of trust and appreciation on both of your parts.<P>I hope this has clarified my position and maybe helped. In any event look forward to hearing more from you.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL