Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
Hello I am new here. I just need some advice on a particular situation that I am going through. So here it is. I am 24 yrs old. I am have been married going on 3 years now but have known my hubby for about 4 years. I have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship(not marriage). Before I got married or even knew my husband, I was in 3 very bad abusive relationships back to back and very vulnerable just for someone treat me right. Me and my sons father has always had a special relationship. Although, we broke up when I was pregnant, he was also very immature at the time, we went on with our lives but still talked to each other. Even though we had broken up everytime we saw each other we had sex, talked, laughed, etc...it was not until my sons father went off to college for 4 years that I started having these very bad abusive relationships with men. After ending the last bad relationship, I met my husband who I hardly knew. We dated for a while then found out I was pregnant. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Still having feelings for my sons father. I had the baby but my baby died and was assured by mom that I did not have to go through with this wedding. But I did. It was not until my sons father's sophmore year in college that he realized he wanted to be with me. At that time I was not married. He felt that I was happy so he congratulated me. But found out later that it hurt him. Since High school we(me and my sons father) have grown in such ways that are amazing. We have a wonderful relationship. Not just sex. The problem is now, it seems that no matter that I am married and my sons father has a girlfriend we still see each other. We still have sex with each other. He lives in N.C. So I barely see him. So does my son. My son knows my hubby as his father but also knows his bilogical father. I feel really bad because my hubby has cheated on me in the past and should have broke it off then. I have regrets of getting married knowing that I was in love with my sons father. Knowing that I settled for all of these other men and was in denial or just assumed that for a couple years that me and my sons father would not be with each other nor have deeper feelings later in life for each other. We have talked about our feelings for each other and I found out things that I had never known before. I feel that I need some time to myself because I am hurting my hubby behind his back(although he is not perfect). I feel like a fool because my sons father has a girlfriend but we both have settled for other people simply because we can't have each other. We were young and I wanted him to go to college and meet new people. I knew he would anyway. But I feel like I need to get my life back. I don't know how to go about doing this. I don't know how to tell my hubby that I need time alone away from him. I need to find out deep inside me if me and my sons father would have given our relationship and shot if I was not married. I need to teach myself to stop sleeping with him to regain my life back. Because if I want a person to love me, I want it to be because of me and not how I work it in bed. I don't know what to do. I feel that me and my hubby has been through too much and I feel like I am living a lie. I don't want to be married for years and then decide I am not really happy when it's going on 10 or 20 years married. And yet I would be really hurt if my sons father decided to marry someone else because he can't have me. Please help I don't know what to do. I am torn between two lovers. My hubby does not really like my sons father and vice versa. Do I really have to deal with this for the rest of my life? Although all of this is going I think my hubby may be doing something behind my back as well. He does the tear up the cell phone bill thing, or shreds it. And then when I question him about it, He gets defensive. I would rather him be happy with someone else if not with me. I think out of all of this I would rather be alone.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 22
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 22
Well it does not sound to me like you have ever given your husband a real chance to love you. If you have always been able to fall back to your first boyfriend.

What has happened to commitment? Did you not take a vow to love, honor and cherish your husband? Do you feel those were just words, they don’t really mean anything.

You should stop all contact with your son’s dad, and have someone like your Mom or his mom be the person you drop your son off with for exchanges. This ability to contact him and have sex with him will rip your feelings apart, and eventually tear your marriage apart.

It is rather funny you are worried that your hubby may be doing something behind your back. Maybe he knows what you are doing. You reap what you sow.

As you read through the website, you need to come clean with your husband, and then given him a chance to fulfill your needs. You need to stop contact sons dad. The 2 of you should seek wise counsel to help get both of your lives back in order.

Good luck.

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Sounds like You, the OM(other man, you son's bio-dad), and your H are an immature bunch that don't know the concept of marital vows much less real love. All of your self esteems are so tied to having someone in your lives but without the committment on making those relationships work. None of you 3 are ready for any committed relationship without first getting some professional help or guidance to resolve your personal issues that have brought all to this very sad state of affairs. The sad thing in all this is that there is an innocent child who is going to be the victim of the selfishness of the adults in his life.

I agree with mesoftball in that it's time for you to come clean with your H so that he can decide whether he wants to remain married to you or not. It just might be what is needed for him to also come clean about his alleged infidelities and thus give you also the opportunity to decide whether you want to remain married to him or not. A marriage takes the effort of both spouses to make it work, and it is time for the two of you to decide if that is what you truly want otherwise it may be indeed better to go your separate ways.

As far as the OM, keep in mind that you will not be improving your life or that of your child's by formalizing a relationship with him because he has shown he does not respect you (he has a girlfriend) and the fact that you made marital vows to be another man's W. Do you seriously beleive that your love for such a man will be enough for him not to betray you in the future? You may beleive that you will be trading up if you and him were to form a committed relationship because you are in love with him, but I'm afraid that with your winning record with regards to relationships, that you will only find yourself once again in the same situation you are right now in a couple of years from now. So take off your rose colored glasses and see the OM as he truly is.

I hope you take the time to seriously reflect on what I said for your sake as well as your child's.

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,108
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,108
Okay, this is a sticky situation to be sure. But you're looking at it through rose-colored glasses and I think you're missing some of the biggest points that your own post glaringly points out. Here are my thoughts:

1) Your son knows your husband as his DAD! It will be taumatic for him to lose his dad if you choose to go with your ex-boyfriend, even if ex-boyfriend is his bio dad and even if he knows ex-boyfriend on some level (c'mon the guy lives states away.... how much does your son really "know" his bio dad?). To your son, ex-boyfriend means squat. To your son, your husband is Daddy and emotionally he is connected to him (and hopefully vice versa).

2) Your ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend and you have a husband. If your love for each other was so strong and true, so undeniable, why isn't anyone saying (ex-boyfriend, for instance).... "this is crazy. We must leave our present relationships and marry at once and become a family with our son and repair the damage we've done." I don't hear him saying that. I think you'd love to hear those words from him, but you make up all kinds of excuses in your head as to why he hasn't said them. From a mature viewpoint, hon, he hasn't said those words because he doesn't want to say them and make any commitment to you OR his son. He can have his cake and eat it, too. And if he's just waiting for you to make the move he's a wuss. And I don't buy it.

3) You, H, and ex-boyfriend all have character issues best dealt with in individual counseling and for you and H, marital counseling is also in order. You have all shown you can betray your vows and/or relationships. Not everyone does this. It is not normal. There is a gap in your charater that allows you to do this. Whether you go or stay, this gap will not close and will continue to be a problem in future relationship unless you address it here and now. This goes for all three of you.

Yes, I know you married this man for the wrong reasons (I had a friend who did the same), but you need to give the marriage a chance (and that will never happen with ex-boyfriend in the picture). In the meantime, make sure your birth control is the best possible. You do NOT want to bring another child into this mess.

I don't mean to sound harsh in this. I really do care about your situation. But you seem so foggy in your thinking that I just felt you needed to hear it straight up. Get help. Professional help. Only then can you make a truly wise decision.

God bless.

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,451
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,451
Jeez, this is just a Hallmark card, isn't it?

Let's see...your H married you but sleeps with other women. You are married but sleep with the father of your child, who abandoned you when you got pregnant. The father of your child sleeps with you but but has a girlfriend who he is cheating on. Your fear is that he will marry that girlfriend? So what? What exactly do marriage vows mean anyway in your circle?

I counsel blood tests for everyone.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
I really thank all of you for being honest with me. I need to hear honesty! I admit that I do need help. I do understand also that me being with his father will not solve anything. I really do believe that! I know my situation is very immature to alot of you. I am not worried if my hubby is cheating. If he is, then it will all come out sooner or later just like mine has to come out. I know that if I told him he would not want to be with me but who can blame him? I would respect that and prepare for whatever is next in my life. I know it may sound like I never gave my hubby a chance to love me, but I really did. Since I did not really know my hubby when I first met him, everything was all cool until a little later. And when I say a little later, me and my sons father was not sleeping around then. I should have been honest with myself a long time ago. I am ready to leave to spare him the pain! I would rather be all alone with no one in my life. I talked to my hubby today about how I felt and he told me that he would not definitely leave my son by any means. I could just stay and see what happens. Maybe things would work out fine with alot of prayer and asking God to have mercy. But I feel so bad that I really just want to spare him the pain. I know there is someone else who will love him better and care for him a heck of alot more than I have. I know it sounds like I am giving up but, somehow I think that might be the best thing is to just let him go and be free. To be happy. I know that one of you said that my sons father has not said to me that he wants to be with me, actually he did. But, that won't cure a lot of grief that I have as far as my hubby is concerned. I also read where someone said there should be a blood test. My son was born before I even met my hubby. So I know who my sons father is and so does his dad know. But I will not bring another child in the midst of this mess. I refuse and will not! I am so glad that everyone is so honest. Thank You for your postings.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 22
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 22
So let me make sure I understand this.

Your Hubby has been providing for you for 3 years. And you just want to through that out the door? You say, I know there is someone out there who can love and care for him better than you can. Does this apply to your son as well?

You are willing to throw out a man who has loved you, cared for you, provided for you and your SON, all so he can be happy.

Get real, your not feeling happy so the way you think you can be happy is to get ride of him. Marriage is not something that you always get immediate satisfaction out of. You must work at it. You do not want to go through the work to make your current marriage a successful and a happy one. You would rather take the easy road and quit.

So what happens when raising your son gets hard. Will you quit then as well?

Life is not easy. Sometimes we must not be selfish and make some decisions that look at a bigger picture than just our immediate satisfaction.

You brought God into you reply. God created marriage. If you work at marriage God’s way, you have a 100% chance of success. But it takes work, sacrifice, and patience. You must re-prioritize your life. God must be number 1, your marriage must be number 2, your hubby must be number 3, your Son must be number 4, and you become number 5. I think if you are honest with yourself, you are number 1, and your son is number 2. Your hubby maybe be somewhere in the top 5, and I bet God is not even in your top 10.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61
S
Sio Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had the baby but my baby died and was assured by mom that I did not have to go through with this wedding. But I did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you get married to him after you miscarried?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel really bad because my hubby has cheated on me in the past and should have broke it off then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you stay married to him after he cheated on you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to be married for years and then decide I am not really happy when it's going on 10 or 20 years married. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's understandable, but that statement brings into question how you truly feel about him now.

I think you need to come clean with your husband. The reason I picked those particular statements to quote is that I just have to wonder if maybe you do have deeper feelings for your husband then you care to admit to yourself.

I am getting ready to go into Plan B on Wed, for the past month my husband has told me over and over that he wants to end things with us, and wants to see how things go with his OW. A couple of days ago it finally sank into his skull what was going on, and that he was going to loose me, then suddenly he was having all kinds of doubts and he realized he still loved me. I'm still going, because he is still unwilling to break things off with her, but he at least knows now that he's not quite so certain about anything.

The reason I'm telling you this is that sometimes you have to come close to losing what you have before you will open your eyes. Your husband has been part of your life for 3 years, your son thinks of him as a father. Your husband may or may not be doing something on the side as well, but you don't really know for sure.

Tell your husband how you feel though. Tell him what's going on. He may agree with you, maybe your relationship with him really isn't what either of you want. He may surprise you though and you will look in his eyes and see that you just shattered his world. He needs to know though. If he does truly love you and wants to make things work, I hope you think long and hard about that. Having an affair with your son's father doesn't make it any less of a betrayal, it is still just a long term affair.

I wish you luck and hope you will keep us updated.

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,451
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 3,451
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by buteeful24:
<strong>I also read where someone said there should be a blood test. My son was born before I even met my hubby.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That wasn't what I meant.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3
Again, Thank you all so much for your responses. I just have a couple of things to say. I know that my situation sounds like I may have no christianity, no morals, nor a GOD in my life at all. the reason I posted this on here was because I am a christian and knows that this is wrong and needed some godly christian advice. Some advice that will come deep down within you from the holy spirit. I feel as if I made a mistake by posting this on this website because all I have done was given the devil more room again to condemn me. For him to have a another opportunity to tell me how bad of a person I am and how I was wrong. The truth is I know I was wrong for doing what I have done. I want to make some points as well. 1) Yes I did marry my hubby after I miscarried but I only did it thinking that the current relationship we had would get better. Only because this was a man that treated me right only in the beginning. While I was pregnant, I was emotionally abused an mentally abused. There were times where I wanted to commit suicide or just plain ole die. I would stress my feelings to him and tell him I was hurt, but he was a very cold man. Then after I miscarried it got worse. All of this was before we got married. This is how I know that God did everything in his power to get me to see that this is not what I want for you. But because God loves me, he let me do exactly what I wanted to do. Only thinking it would get better. 1st Mistake! 2)Yes I do love my hubby, yes he has provided for me for 3 years almost 4, but what you don't understand is that even though he has provided for me he has also not provided for me. Me and my hubby has seperated before, earlier this year. Left me and my son with nothing. Now does this sound like a loving and caring hubby to you? Did very silly things to try to get me to loose my mind and almost did. And the only person who kept me is GOD! I have lived on my own before I met my huby with my son so as far as times getting hard I have already experienced life without him, Twice! The only person who kept me then was GOD! So you see, just because my situation sounds like there is no GOD in the picture, the LORD JESUS CHRIST is still keeping me and providing for me daily. GOD already knew that I would commit adultery down the line. But guess what, When my hubby left me, Me and my son had a place to live, I got 2 new cars, I kept my job, my sanity, and most off all my life. So please do not look at me as if I am poor excuse of a person, because GOD has said that we all have fallen short of the glory of GOD and there is not one below the heavens that is perfect. WE ALL MUST REPENT DAILY! EVEN YOU! 3)I do not see me leaving my hubby as an easy way out. I have talked to my hubby about my feelings and he has expressed his feelings towards me. We have made some mutual decisions and feel very comfortable with them. So I am not just leaving him out of the loop. He knows my feelings and I know his. 4)The only thing I want right now is my sanity, my health, my life, my sons sanity, his health, his life. I have read what God says about forgiveness and what he says is that no matter what we have done or said to one another he will forgive us. Adultery is not the ultimate sin! God sees all sin the same whether you lie, fornicate, commit adultery, murder, lust, etc..... So you see, for a long time I thought that God would not forgive me if I did leave my hubby or commit adultery. Yes he does say what GOD has brought together let no man put assunder but he goes back to say he has compassion for us he will forgive us of our sins. As long as we are mature enough to know that he will forgive us we are o.k. As a matter of fact since this whole thing happened with my sons father, GOD has shown me over and over that he loves me. This is how I know that GOD is still 1st in my life. I am not leaving mu hubby to be with anyone else. I want my hubby to find someone more on his level. I love him enough to realize that he can be happy, but with someone else. 5) Yes my son will ask where is father is, but hubby had assured that he will not be absent from his life. My son has been through a whole lot in these past 3 years of my marriage. From being afraid then concerned then happy then sad then acting out then not knowing what to say. That is a shame! I grew up this way with my mom. Argument after argument so I know how it feels to have all of these feeling one after the other. My son has also witnessed my hubby slam me aganist things and since then when me and my hubby argue or he sees me cry he says. "whats wrong, daddy hit you" So you people cannot tell me that I have not stuck it out, I have not prayed about it, I have not been here through it all. So as far as taking the easy way out, it seems this is just the way out! I have witnessed my hubby spank my son uncontrollably and got mad when I say something about it. Then later found out the reason behind it was his stepfather would literally abuse him. Out of all of this I would rather keep me and my son alive. Something else, after all is said and done, after all of the arguments, fights, yelling, etc...my son just want to know one thing....Are you okay mommy? This means more to me than anything in the world. I made a mistake by posting my comment in this forum. I could only tell you all a summary of my story, and this is just half of it right here. I admit I do love my hubby, but after all we have been through together I think enough is enough. I want him to be happy with someone on his level. And as for me I just want my sanity! There is no person on the earth that can give me that. Not marriagebuilders.com, not the people that reply to my postings, not anybody. The only thing I know is that GOD has forgiven me, he loves me no matter what I have done, he provides for me, he keeps me alive even though I have sinned, he speaks to me, he comforts me, he has mercy on me, he does not condemn me nor remind me of how much of a bad person I am for sinning, and a whole list of others. It does not matter what anyone thinks, in the end it only matters what GOD thinks. Thank You. *If we confess our sin, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteosness.- 1john1:9

Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 785
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 785
Butee - I may be the only one here who believes that leaving your husband may be the answer. You do not truly love him, he abuses you, your son witnesses this, etc. Do you want your son to learn to be like your H?

I also believe you should quit seeing the OM as well. Give yourself some time away from him so you can think clearly.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61
S
Sio Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 61
Butee, I apologize if it sounded like I was judging you, I just know from my own experience that sometimes WS's will allow themselves to think worse of their marriage and spouse, or will convince themself that they really don't love their spouse.

I agree with Could be worse though. If he is mentally and physically abusive to both you and your child, and everything else you said was true I believe you would do well to go take some time to really think about what you want. I agree that not all marriages can be saved, and I don't think you should stay married just to stay married. I just hope you will take time to truly look into yourself to find what would be best for you and your child. The problem is that the OM complicates the issue. In any case I hope you will find the answers you need, and I wish you the best of luck.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5