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#440891 12/16/03 02:31 PM
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josey Offline OP
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My husband found out about my last affair this past April, but he just found out about the other one in the last couple of days. I tried to hide it b/c the first one hurt him so, so much...I know now (in hindsight, of course) that I needed to come clean w/all of it, all at once.
Now he is miserable, in shock, so so sad, so hurt--and I don't even know how to help him anymore, except by being there, trying to help him understand why they happened(I won't go into that again here), and by telling that I love him and I will help him however I can. We are also seeing a marriage counselor, but it's been a while since we've seen her. We won't be able to see her till next Monday.
Does anyone have any ideas here for helping him? For getting us through this?

#440892 12/17/03 05:26 PM
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Total and complete honesty about past, present and future.

True sincerity in your desire to work things out if that is what you want.

Read up on this site, read the concepts, buy the "Surviving an Affair" book that you both read through and do the questionaires together.

Just some suggestions of things that I would have liked afforded to me by my WW.

Best of luck and God Bless!

#440893 12/18/03 01:28 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by josey:
<strong> My husband found out about my last affair this past April, but he just found out about the other one in the last couple of days. I tried to hide it b/c the first one hurt him so, so much...I know now (in hindsight, of course) that I needed to come clean w/all of it, all at once.
Now he is miserable, in shock, so so sad, so hurt--and I don't even know how to help him anymore, except by being there, trying to help him understand why they happened(I won't go into that again here), and by telling that I love him and I will help him however I can. We are also seeing a marriage counselor, but it's been a while since we've seen her. We won't be able to see her till next Monday.
Does anyone have any ideas here for helping him? For getting us through this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, doesn't your behavior indicate that you don't want to get through this? Why do you want to stay with your husband if you've had multiple affairs? Or, why have you had multiple affairs if you want to stay with your husband? Choose. Pick one lifestyle or the other. Decide to be faithful or decide to leave him, but quit waffling.

Second, what he needs is some love and comfort. Can you provide it? Can he accept it from you? Ideas for helping him? Maybe seeing a lawyer...unless you are capable of becoming a married person and capable of convincing him of that. You have to choose, you see.

Third, there is no "us" in your relationship until you are committed to it. "Fooled me once, shame on you; fooled me twice, shame on me" operates here. This isn't about you, any more. This is about whether you can convince him that you are worth the pain. It is about his decision as to whether he should absorb all the ugliness you cause him. It is about him deciding whether or not you are trustworthy (well duh, you aren't) or special or whatever enough to repair your relationship. Well, are you? Show him.

Personally, I think penance is a good idea. What are you prepared to do to convince your H that he shouldn't drop you like a hot potato?

#440894 12/18/03 09:39 AM
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I have been committed to making this work since the he found out about the first A (the 2nd A, chronologically). That's why I stayed; I haven't vacillated between him and the OM.
As to why I'm worth him staying, it's getting harder & harder for even me to try to convince him. He knows I love him, he knows I am so so so sorry, he knows I know that I was lost and that I was wrong. I told him I'd stand by him no matter what he decided to do--D or stay M.
Last night there were some problems because of some kids who I used to have in class--I guess they'd heard rumors about why I left that school (I left because I'd had an A w/another teacher); we were waiting to see a movie, and mouthed across the crowded lobby, "I f***ed your wife." We left. At home, he cried, and said, "How much of this can I take? I can't take this, I'll snap." And I didn't know what to say, what to tell him. I told him I loved him, that I was here for him. I've been telling him my plans and whereabouts since all of this came out (in mid-April); I've begged for forgiveness, we've been going to MC. But this...how can _I_ make that up to him? How can I compensate for THAT? I can't. I have to find a way to do so, soon, or it's all lost.

#440895 12/18/03 10:49 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by josey:
<strong> Last night there were some problems because of some kids who I used to have in class--I guess they'd heard rumors about why I left that school (I left because I'd had an A w/another teacher); we were waiting to see a movie, and mouthed across the crowded lobby, "I f***ed your wife." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, after I read this all I can say is wow. Your husband must really love you because I couldn't take what he is going thru. I can't imagine anything that would be more degrading to your H.

I don't have any real advise other than he really must love you. I personaly could not forgive my wife for something like that but yet your H seems willing to try. I don't know how you can rebuild the trust. If it were me I don't know that I could live in the same area knowing that people were laughing at me. But then again moving away may not be an option.

Good luck to you, I really wish you well. You and your H have a long and hard road. I hope everything works out for the best.

#440896 12/19/03 09:54 AM
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DadandHusband,
I know--I can't believe he hasn't just walked out. At this point, though, forgiveness is not what I'm aiming for. Some of Dr. Harley's articles call for compensation, instead. This is what I'm working on: showing him I love him, being there for him, spending as much time as I can w/him, listening to him, talking with him. He asked me last night if I really thought leaving me would make him happy; he said then he'd have all of this mess to sort through, AND he'd be sad without me. I was floored--he is such an amazing man, and is quickly becoming my hero.
Thank you for your well-wishes! We will need them.

#440897 12/19/03 10:32 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DadandHusband:

"I personaly could not forgive my wife for something like that.."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DAH you'd be surprised how many of us BS(betrayed spouses), and even WS(wayward spouses), said the same thing and later found out that they could indeed forgive their spouses because of their love for them. Besides forgiveness and reconciliation are two totally different things.

#440898 12/21/03 08:49 PM
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It's so true--right now my H feels like he'll never be able to get over this. In fact, he left this morning. We've been at my parents, and he just suddenly up & left, and drove the hour home. I'm here still. We talked on the phone when he finally called at 3:30 (I didn't look for him; I don't dare call his folks right now), and he sounded awful. An hr later I called back and he'd talked to his mom, and was going out to eat w/a friend and his brother. He sounded so much better. He says he's not making any decisions yet as to D or staying M. He also said that he loves me still--and in the end, that will be what allows him to stay, if he decides to. If he'll stay, I'm prepared to compensate for what I've done every day for the rest of my life.
Sorry this is so long. Pep, I'm wondering if you have any comments. I don't even know what I'm looking for--just some thoughts from people who've been either the BS or the WW. Thanks for listening.

#440899 12/21/03 08:59 PM
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Also, can I convince my H that anti-depressants would be a good thing, and that they do NOT "deaden" your emotions or make you an unfeeling zombie? (I've been on Paxil for 4 yrs.)

#440900 12/22/03 10:32 AM
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Remind your husband everyday you are in the marriage forever. You must be totally honest in everthing you do. You must see a counselor both jointly and separately to understand why you do such things. He will need time to get over the hurt, anger, resentment because of what you did. Never take your spouse for granted. Husbands and wives. I just discovered my wife in her second affair, she has repented, contacted our Pastor and counselor crying for help. I can hope this is not a smoke screen. Trust takes a very long time to build up. I was just getting over the first affair. I'm so hurt, angry, tired and unhappy. I can't sleep, food tastes terrible. I'm opposed to medication because of the side effects and I know I can work through this. DOn't push your husband. Keep things as cool as possible. Don't give him any reason not to trust you. Talk to him often, initiate the conversation. Be interested in his day. Best of luck to both of you

#440901 12/22/03 11:08 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by josey:

Also, can I convince my H that anti-depressants would be a good thing, and that they do NOT "deaden" your emotions or make you an unfeeling zombie? (I've been on Paxil for 4 yrs.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry Josie but right now your credibility is lower than that of a politician. What you could do is find a good mutual friend to talk to your H and convince him to go see a doctor to have him start taking AD's.

Josie while you were solely responsible for chosing to have your affairs, BOTH of you are responsible for the state of your marriage. If your marriage is to survive and be rebuilt, then BOTH of you must do your parts to make this a reality. For the moment, he needs to recover and decide what he wants (marriage or divorce) and if he decides that he wants to continue being married to you, then he must do his part to rebuild the marriage. You must exercise patience and use this time to start healing yourself.

#440902 12/23/03 01:41 AM
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Josey,
I read somewhere that male BS's are less likely than female BS's to continue on with the M. Must be that male ego thing. I don't tell you this so that you "throw in the towel". I tell you so you keep your resolve and keep working away harder than ever.

I think I know how your husband is feeling. I've never said this before on MB but this is actually W second A. Before we were married, she did the same thing. Started dating another guy while all the while professing love to me. Secret lunches phone calls. Then when she thought the new guy was totally interested in her she blindsided me and dropped me. Funny thing is the other guy just wanted that one special thing.... anyway, I digress. Of course she came running back said that she just wanted to know if I was the "one" I fell for it hook line and sinker!!

The discovery of her A (or 2nd A depending on how you look at it) has brought me emotionally right back to that spot nearly 20 years ago. Thoughts like, "did I make the biggest mistake of my life?" and others are everywhere. Luckily I have three great kids so it hasn't been a complete waste.

It bothers me now that we never really talked about what happened 20 years ago. She is a conflict avoider so it was swept under the carpet. When I'd ask questions about it she'd lie to "save my feelings." The fact is it saved her from addressing some pretty crappy behaviour!! If we'd talked about it and how I felt about it, it may have influenced her behaviour in the A. Well maybe not. Probably wishful thinking on my part.

Josey, hang in there.

I was on antidpressants after EA-DDay and tried to stay off (just my pride) after PA-DDay. I now realize that I need then and have a doctors appt set up.

cwmac

#440903 12/22/03 06:43 PM
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Josey,

Your story about the theater was horrible. How do you plan to protect your H from something like that again? Did you move away from that area where you taught and had the A with the other teacher? What kind of kids did you have in the classroom to say such a thing to another person?

Frankly, I am greatly surprised the kids said such a thing, but then few kids get the s*** kicked out of them for opening their mouths these days.

You asked what you can do? I think one of things you HAVE to do is tell your H about ALL the people who know or suspect your A's. He should NOT be subjected to this because of your behavior and it is YOUR job to see that he is. That may mean moving, if he decides to stay in the marriage.

Are you teaching now? Is that a trigger for him? I ask these questions because between the two of you, you need to figure out how to become his friend again. That means that you two are comfortable around each other and comfortable doing things with each other.

I hope you have figured out why you had the A's and have taken measures to address these reasons. Hopefully, he has somethings to do as well, to allow him to feel that there is something he can do to protect himself and still stay married to him.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

#440904 12/23/03 03:57 PM
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Josey-
As a male BS, I can empathisize with many of the feelings your husband is experiencing. I found out about my WS's two A's nearly two months ago. We have worked very hard on our recovery. Anti-depressants DO HELP! Your continuing attention to him is soooo important....even a strong and secure man would be a basketcase after what he has experienced! As others have said, he must love you very much to not walk out! You seem to also want your marriage to work. But have you answered the toughest question, even to yourself? WHY did YOU risk your marriage, his pain, STD's etc. to have an affair? My wife had a hard time understanding her motives for wandering....she swears it was not because of problems in OUR relationship....imagine how hard it is for the BS to believe that...and believe it won't happen again! My wife's willingness to talk honestly and frequently about why this happened and where our marriage is headed have been CRUCIAL. But at the end of the day, it is a tough road to recover a busted marriage. I'm glad we have a resource like this Board to help! Best of Luck to both of you.


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