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#440905 12/16/03 02:33 PM
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josey Offline OP
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My husband found out about my last affair this past April, but he just found out about the other one in the last couple of days. I tried to hide it b/c the first one hurt him so, so much...I know now (in hindsight, of course) that I needed to come clean w/all of it, all at once.
Now he is miserable, in shock, so so sad, so hurt--and I don't even know how to help him anymore, except by being there, trying to help him understand why they happened(I won't go into that again here), and by telling that I love him and I will help him however I can. We are also seeing a marriage counselor, but it's been a while since we've seen her. We won't be able to see her till next Monday.
Does anyone have any ideas here for helping him? For getting us through this?

#440906 12/16/03 02:44 PM
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Hello,

This is difficult since you really did not come totally clean previously and thus your husband is having a difficult time believing anything you say at face value. This is just my thoughts but ask yourself what is it that you would want your husband to do for you if the roles had been reversed? Maybe this will give some idea what to do for him.
At this point he is in enormous pain and has constant images in his mind of you having sex with these other men. He is probably deeply depressed and in a state of shock. I would suggest that you write a long letter explaining your deep remorse and love for your husband. Sit with him over a glass of wine and just ask him to read it completely before asking any questions. Remember his heart is broken and he is devastated.
Look deeply into his eyes and tell him again how sorry you are and how much you truly love him. I think you have a long road ahead of you but maybe these suggestions will do some good. I wish you luck.

#440907 12/16/03 03:22 PM
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Josey it's good that you and your H are going to MC but you also need to go to IC not only to find out why you had 2 affairs but because by going you would be demonstrating to your H that you are serious about addressing and resolving your issues that lead to your affairs.

#440908 12/16/03 04:17 PM
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I echo what Bryan said. Right now your H doesn't trust you as far as he could throw you. I wouldn't either. He thought he had the whole story when you told him about the one A, and now he finds out there were more. What reason does he have to think that you won't confess to even more tomorrow, or next month, or next year? Even if they're all in the past? Or a slew of ONS? My TBEW confessed to her 3 affairs and has told me that I now know the whole story. I don't know if I believe that or not. But, at least she told me up front that there was more than one. It sounds like your H has even less reason to believe you than I have to believe my W.

What to do? If there are any other skeletons in your closet -- other As, whether PA or EA, anything at all, any email or online cheating or flirting, TELL HIM NOW. Every time he finds out about yet another indiscretion he didn't know about, he will trust you less and less. Eventually he'll decide that you're not worthy of his trust and are incapable of honesty. If you want to avoid that outcome, you'd better do something about it right now. Not tomorrow, or next week. NOW.

And after that, clean up your act. You're an adult. Start acting like one.

#440909 12/16/03 04:38 PM
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josey:

I remember your post about the bedspread on your front lawn. So, it wasn't just the one A? You say "multiple", is it just 2, or will there be more disclosed at some fu2re date?

I still think you can make it, but without complete honesty (here and with your H), it's going 2 take longer than it should.

-ol' 2long

#440910 12/16/03 05:56 PM
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You had posted the fact that OM's wife had 2 previous affairs of her own .... and I said to you "So what?" .... and now, I see the so what... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What can you do now to "help him"? .... I cannot think of one single thing. He has to suffer this pain. And you have to be there by his side. There is no softening the blow. It's brutal to realize you've been lied to by someone who says "I love you". And thinking you have finally reached the truth .... you realize it's not done yet... more lies.

I hope your marriage survives this awful event.

How did your husband find out this time? Did he discover something or was he told by someone? And, when he asked you if there was another affair, did you try to cover it up at first?

This is important.... because (I'm praying) you confessed rather than resisted with more lies.

Please, take care of your health. I hope your eating disorder is in remission. Is it?

Pep

#440911 12/16/03 08:34 PM
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I am curious what you could say to your husband to make him understand what would make you, a married woman, have more than one affair. Of course, he feels devastated. How else would you expect him to feel. You dishonoured him.

#440912 12/17/03 12:10 PM
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josey,
there's lots i'd like to say in this post but it would be mean, vondictive and counter productive, so all i choose to comment on right now is on how you can help your poor H...who and what you are is something else for another time.

first, i would advise you to say nothing further that isn't 1000% true and factuale. if you still have some little surprises for him, now is the time to come clean...no matter how devistated he seems to be.

next, make no excuses for what you have done...NONE, narda, nothing. understand that there are no excuses for what you've done and have been doing and any you try to make will just add further insult to the man he is.

next, i would assure your H that you realize that there is something very wrong with the way you chose to behave and tell him that you have decided to consult a therapist to find out what it is that causes you to act as you do...then do it! i would recommend intense and probaly long term IC because you sound to be extremely self destructive.

i would then respectfully ask him to please just hang in there with you for a while...and tell him that you will be accountable for all your actions and time from this point forward...i would swear to no more secrets and to absolute and total future honesty.

further, ask that he make no decisions as to what he may intend to do until some time apprciable timer passes...time enough for you to prove to him that you love him and want to continue in the marriage.

then listen to what ever he has to say! don't defend yourself or anything you did or may feel no matter how much he vents!just stand there and take it for a while until he can get some control over his emotions. it will be no fun...but at this point maybe you owe him that.

and by the way...any questions he may have...you answer them with honesty...no matter how embarresing to you or him the answer may be.

well that's my advice...and i'll wish you good luck...if only for your husband's sake.
coach

#440913 12/17/03 12:21 PM
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My H found out about the other affair thru our computer--he hooked up the old one and found some emails under the Temporary Internet Files, in Disk Cleanup. Yes, I came clean as soon as he confronted me. I admitted it, and told him I had wanted to hide it to save him that pain on top of the pain from the other A. I know now that if he'd gotten all of it at once, he could have dealt w/it all at once, & it would have been a better situation.
I am over my ED, & thank you for asking. I am not eating much lately, but it's not about self-image now. It's about stress.
Last night I wrote my H a letter disclosing everything about the affairs. I did this because he kept asking over & over if there was anything else. (Which I understand.) I finally decided that if he knew ALL of it, and saw it in writing, that maybe he'd understand that this is it. It worked in some ways: He says he now feels like he truly knows everything (he does). I told him a few things that he really did not want to know about, things that left images in his head, but he said he understood that I felt like I needed to tell him all of it, so it wouldn't come up again later. I mostly told him such details because My thoughts as I was writing the letter were, "Well, what if, 2 yrs from now, he finds out that I snuck off for a night w/the OM & he considers that withholding important information--hence, lying?" So I wrote it ALL down.
Today, we both are ok at work (we teach in the same school), even joking around. He slept poorly, as did I. He's eating normally again, mostly. All I am trying to do right now is be here next to him, to hold him when he wants me to, and to support him. I told him even if he decides to end the M, I will stand by him & be there for emotional support anytime he needs it, and I will make it as easy as possible for him. If he stays, I will do the same.
As for why this happened, for those of you who asked, it's a longish story, but it goes back to me marrying this man who was just like my father in that he showed little affection, leaving me emotionally insecure and feeling worthless right on into my marriage. (Otherwise, they are both wonderful men!) With that, plus my H's drinking, staying out late w/o calling and w/o me knowing which bar he was at, and drinking and driving (that went on all the way up until this past April--when he found out about the As)--I was emotionally barren, miserable, called my mother crying about every 3 days. I know this does NOT make what I did right or OK, but I tried to "tough it out," stay w/my H--because I loved him! still do--telling myself I didn't need affection or attention to be happy. Wrong, of course. And I was swept away into an A w/an older man who fell hard for me; I ended it shortly thereafter (about 6 wks later), but 8 months later, I burst into tears while talking to an acquaintence at the gym, & this older man moved right in on that vulnerability. I realize it's my fault, too, believe me. You asked for the history--there it is!

#440914 12/18/03 01:08 AM
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For "coach,"
Thank you for your advice, I think. I'm not sure why you felt you had to tell me in your post that you have cruel and vindictive things to say to me at some later time--I didn't think that was what this forum was for. Thank you again for what you advised for my husband's sake. I am not, however, an evil person, nor am I a monster. If I am, then everyone on this website who had an A would be also. I am here for help in rectifying my mistakes, not for judgement. God will judge me, and He & I are on our way to being square with one another again. My husband may or may not forgive me, but he is the only other one I care about.
With that out of the way, I was in intensive IC for about 4 yrs, beginning with my ED and continuing on right up until this past April. So, as you may see in my previous post, I do have some idea of why I let this happen to our lives.My H and I are also seeing a MC now.

#440915 12/17/03 04:27 PM
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Originally posted by josey:
I am over my ED, & thank you for asking.

You're welcome.

I was anorexic in my 20's... largly because I was in a small ballet company, and the thinner dancers got better parts! I would take bizarre pleasure in buying my clothes in the boys department, size 12 boys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> no tits ... no hips ... Then, one day I was injured. I was doing a lift and got dropped by my partner right onto one of my knee caps. My knee swelled up to the size of a cantelope! So, I was out of action for awhile... and I began to eat ... and things started to come to me about how abusive I was being to my body.

And during my knee recovery, I also began to look at what I thought about myself as a person instead of as a body. During my dance years, I had numerous sexual experiences that left me feeling dehumanized. Real orgy-type non-intimate experiences, using my body as if it was currency. (This was back in the 60's and it was also part of the hippie culture... free love..... and all that crap)

I am sharing this stupid part of my past with you because I think you have done this too. I think you may have under-valued yourself.

Everything that you have on this Earth is a gift. Your body is a gift. It is a beautiful gift, even as you gain weight, get wrinkles and hair grows where it shouldn't!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Love and honor your body because it houses your soul. When you love yourself for who you are and quit trying to have outsiders tell you that you are "OK" .... then you will be in a state of Grace.

It doesn't matter what your father did... or didn't do. You are not a little girl anymore, but a woman. Take charge of your emotional well-being as well as your spiritual and physical well-being. You are not Daddy's girl unless you want to be. Throw off that identity like a dirty old rag.

Anorexia is a ruse to try and stay in the childhood state. Dispose of the adult female body and then it's easier to avoid adult responsibilities.

You're going to like being a grown up. You get to steer your own boat.

Now, tell me.... how much does your H drink?

Pep

#440916 12/18/03 10:35 AM
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Thank you again, Pep. Someone else told me that you are very wise on this subject, and very level-headed. I agree! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Anyway, I realize that now I'm an adult & that I don't need to worry about Dad anymore. I pretty much got thru that in therapy & by working on my relationship with him. However, I do believe that the lack of self-worth I felt stemmed from that. I think it contributed to my lack of sense of self, and in some ways led to the bulimia and to the As. Not an excuse! But I am the sort of person who needs to understand WHY I do things. My IC was very good about this!
As for how much my H drinks, he only drinks a little now, like a couple of beers w/dinner out, most of the time. Soemtimes he drinks a few more, maybe 5 or 6, when we're out on the town. The years that he was drinking before all of this were worse./ He would go out and drink 10 or 12 heavy beers, and his main drinking buddies both drank more than that. One of the 3 would always be driving, too. I would be at home. He'd say he'd be back by midnight, and then I'd wake up at 3:30 AM and no H, no phone call. He'd feel like crap for the rest of the weekend, physically. I would be so upset w/him for D&D and for not calling and not showing up till crazy hours, week after week. My mother said I called her every weekend for the first 2 yrs of our marriage!

#440917 12/18/03 10:40 AM
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My H asked me why I didn't just leave him if I was so unhappy--he would've stopped drinking in a minute, he said. I told him a couple of times that I wondered if we would make it, but I never threatened to leave. Looking back, I don't know why I didn't. It would have been more courageous, morally acceptable, and it would have preserved our dignities. I kept trying to "tough it out," to be strong and learn to live w/o him being available emotionally and often physically.
Please don't misunderstand. I know that what I did was my fault, and there is NO excuse. NONE. Again, I am just the sort of person who has to go back and follow my own line of thought, my feelings at the time, etc.

#440918 12/18/03 10:50 AM
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ME again!!
I meant to comment on your ED. I understand the feeling of self-worthlessness, and I am so happy that you beat anorexia. That in and of itself is a major accomplishment!
As for sexual behavior, I have never been involved in the sorts of non-intimate experiences you described. I've been with a couple of men for one-night stands, in college, but that's the worst of it.

#440919 12/18/03 04:23 PM
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Josey

Al-Anon has been a big help to me. Even if your H is not currently a raging drinker, I think there might be some self-awareness for you at Al-Anon. You need at least half a dozen meetings before you begin to catch on to the concepts. At first, they don't make sense. Anyone who has tolerated a drinker's abuse needs to find coping skills for a healthier relationship.

I hope you consider this option....

Pep

#440920 12/19/03 09:40 AM
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My mom recommended Al-Anon a long time ago. You can't imagine how many times I've berated myself for never going. I'm going to look up local meetings places right now.


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