Hello!

After finding out that my husband had an affair several months ago, I am holding on to a lot of anger. The fact that I can't trust him makes me sooo angry and I get mad at myself. I am so very much afraid to show my vulnerable said again. I tried plan A and that doesn't seem to work because I have to be vulnerable. I am in IC and my H. and I are in MC. My IC seems to be helpng me a lot. I just need it 5 times a week! LOL!
One year ago, is when the A. started and I am going through a living hell as if it just started all over again!
I often ask my H., "How can you say you still love me after being with her"? He replies; "Because you are the real thing"! I believe that line is a crock. He did not want to come back to me. Some of you know our story. But the resentment that I have for him is becoming worse and I am just wondering am I the only one who feels this way after months after the affair stopped? He is trying to a small degree, but I can't figure out what I am expecting of him? HELP HELP HELP!
Ali- Remember me????

What steps are being taken to rebuild the destroyed trust in the relationship?

I bumped this thread for you:

Trust is like the lottery, not like a paycheck.

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Hello Takola!

That is the problem. Not sure if there is any steps being taken. Our MC is still after several months, trying to remove the surface issues. I am not sure if I am to start or if he should be the one. Last night in our session, a very heated one I should say, our therapist basically said I wasn't giving him a chance. The problem is right now...I can't trust his feelings because of the lies that he told me while in the affair. So she is right, I don't allow him the chance. That makes me angry. Almost like a villion. I feel like I am the guilty one. It makes me angry that I can't be vulnerable. Has anyone felt this before? I am sooo angry! I feel like a complete idiot! Seriously, How can a WS still love their partner after having an A.? And the sad thing is, I am stuck!
Why can't I let it go? He wants to pretend like it never happended but it did, and I can't let it go! The pain is still very real!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I feel exactly as you do. D-Day #1 was 9/17/03. D-Day #2 was 10/21/03. I tell myself everyday what an IDIOT I have been.

My H had a 6-year PA that had just ended in September. He then admitted an earlier PA.

I have tremendous anger. I know he told both of these women that he loved them but now says he never did love them. So how can I believe him when he says he loves me?

I feel that the worst mistake I ever made was to TRUST him and it blew up in my face. I have absolutely no trust in him now. I don't respect the person I know him to be now.

I think my biggest issue is that I'm afraid of letting him back in my heart. I don't want to give him the chance to hurt me again.

Hi all. Same here. My husband confessed to an affair that has been going on for a little over a year. I often think the same thing...who is this man? How many other things have been lies?
The difference in my case is that I can't get myself to hate him...I feel like I love him now more than ever and the pain that he has put me through with the betrayal is just something I never dreamed of. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again (the way I did before he told me about the A). I am trying to give him a chance...it's really hard though...I second guess everything he says...basically, I don't believe a word he says.
Everyone here says it takes time and I am hoping that is the case...only time and the deep love that I have for him will allow me to learn to trust him again and maybe someday be happy. I sure hope!.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can give your husband that chance that he is waiting for and that you can recover your M and love for each other.

Ouch to far!

He had it that long? Slap in the face huh? Is it angry feelings that your are feeling or despair? We BS say so many things to ourselves like if I ever caught my H. cheating I would leave him. Well, easier said then done we all know. I know some might have done that but for those of us on here, it is obvious that we still love our S. And to leave is scary because we have imagined our whole lives together with this person. Not saying the people eho left never loved their S. We are just in a different place! I think that the amount of time or however long it is whether it was 3 months or 6 years is extremely painful.
My H. too said that he fell in love with this women. But I look back and realized in the short time that they were together, he doesn't know her! She wasn't there through all the hardships. She only was there through the easy parts. But boy, do I resent that!
I had to struggle with issues with him that caused me to be up all night with him and a depression because a loss of a job. I was the pier under his feet! I held him up. What I resent is that she got him when he was happy! Big slap in the face. Who was I then??? Obviously I didn't mean all that much! That was the thanks I got!

I feel for you! I definitely feel for you! Are the both of you in MC? And are you in IC as well? If I didn't have my therapist, I can't imagine where I'd be right now? Just purging your thoughts is such a wonderful stress relief! Who wants to be hurt again like that? Did you read Takola's Trust/lottery? Wonderful. I copied it and I sent it to my H.
Too far, how are you managing your anger? Have you ever seen the movie; "He said, She said"? There is a scene in there that I would love to do to my H. She take a coffee mug and she through's it so it hits him on the forehead! But I know that can't be done.
Ali

Love and trust are definitely damaged, actually, they are all but destroyed when a spouse has an affair.

I think you really need to schedule a session BY YOURSELF with this MC. Ask the MC where you are going, how she plans to get you there, and what steps will be taken to repair the trust. What is the roadmap to your recovery?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is the problem. Not sure if there is any steps being taken.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is your recovery plan?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our MC is still after several months, trying to remove the surface issues.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've found that addressing root issues seems to repair many surface issues. At least when the root issues are addressed, the surface ones become more bearable. What issues are you referring to with "surface issues"?

Do you utilize Radical Honesty with each other?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure if I am to start or if he should be the one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You both have to start simultaneously. I'm bumping a thread with my boat story, too. Please read that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Last night in our session, a very heated one I should say, our therapist basically said I wasn't giving him a chance.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she say what she meant by that and what specific behaviors you need to cultivate in order to be "giving him a chance"?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is right now...I can't trust his feelings because of the lies that he told me while in the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, what is the plan to address that. Don't be afraid to tell her in your meeting that the trust needs addressed and you need to follow a plan to rebuild trust in your marriage. It's your $$$, make your needs known.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I am the guilty one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you are both guilty, just of different things. You are both guilty of creating the circumstances that led to the deterioration of the marriage and set the stage for the affair to happen. Having said that, he is responsible for making the decision to go outside the marriage to have his needs met. He could just as easily have chosen to go to marital counseling, as you are now doing.

I suggest that you don't focus on who is guilty and who isn't. That won't lead anywhere but a p*ssing contest. It won't save your marriage.

I suggest you focus on feelings and goals. If you want trust in your marriage and he does, too, then be realistic. It isn't there now, and there is good reason for it. Start on a plan to rebuild trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has anyone felt this before? I am sooo angry! I feel like a complete idiot! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we all feel that and more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seriously, How can a WS still love their partner after having an A.? And the sad thing is, I am stuck!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say you are stuck?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why can't I let it go? He wants to pretend like it never happended but it did, and I can't let it go! The pain is still very real!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me turn this on you. What do you need from him in order to be able to let it go? What does he need to do to make amends to you? Do you need him to listen to how it feels and be able to empathize with those feelings? Do you need an apology from him?

I assume the affair is over. Has he sent a no contact letter to the OW? Has he opened up every part of his life so that it is transparent and you can verify what he is telling you and rebuild trust?

ali- Well I'm in Plan B and have been for 9 weeks, so I think I've gotten a little perspective on the marriage. Last March (2 months before the A started), my H and I were in bed talking about his fear of intimacy. We were discussing the fact that he was unfaithful to several women in his life. They were good women. He told me "I hope I never do that to you". At the time I didn't really think anything about it. Since then he did go ahead and have an affair, was unable to maintain NC more than a day, and is now living with the OW. Now that statement 2 months before the affair plays over and over in my head. I choose to believe that the man he was meant it. I think when they get caught up in betrayal it changes them. Try to give your H a chance and see what he does.

I was just doing his laundry. I hate doing laundry! We will go down to the last piece of clothing before I do any of it! I am that bad! Though, as I was throwing the shirts in the machine, I thought to myself; "Which one of these shirts had the make up all over it"? The administrative assistant told me that when he came in from lunch, he had her make up all over his shirt! Since he lived out of state at the time, I was never able to see it. This was after I found out about the A. The whole office commented on it!

It is stuff like that keeps haunting my mind! Then I become angry because I am doing a nice thing for him.
You know Takola, MC did mentioned a recovery plan. But last night, she stated that she is stuck because we are stuck! We are caught in a trench. And for order for us to use our recovery plan we need to get out of this trench! She has given us many ideas, it is just that I am afraid to be vulnerable. Giving him a chance scares me! I never want to feel this pain again!
I am not giving him a chance in ways that I shoot down his feelings when he is asked by me to tell me what he wants or his feelings about me or what happened in the A. (I still need to know the nasty little details of those two!) I can't trust if they are true or not! So if he says one thing, I don't believe him. If he says opposite I don't believe him. So he is in a loose, loose situation. I think there are a lot of people who don't realize the power of trust! Including the ones who do the trusting!

Takola, we came to the agreement that because of our living arrangements, 1200 miles away, (I was going to join him after we sold the house, and after sons surgery) job loss, and other grief's in our lives, she came along said all the right things acted as every mans dream women and attacked him while he was vulnerable. That this was his doing, out of total selfishness. He said he became a bachelor all over again. But some where I wasn't meeting his needs because I was exhausted! We found out that our oldest had Asperger syndrome and our youngest needed surgery. Besides dealing with H. issues, I had my own as well. Believe it or not, I was so 100% sure that we could conquer anything because we had to deal with so much in our life time. I trusted him!
I am stuck because I feel so angry at him. I am working out physically more than I have and that does not seem to help the deep anger that I have. I thought that if I had a bigger outlet, or a physical stress relief that would help channel it! Nope!
Trust me, I want to soften the skin I am in but this coat of Armour is very thick! How do I know if he is sincere? Or if he is with me because I am a comfort zone, familiarity? That is another issue I have too! I go back to the question: "How can he possibly love me after being with her"? I think he believes what the two had is what relationships are like. I am not talking about the lies. I am talking about the sweet talk, her kissing his butt etc. So then he comes back to our marriage of broken dreams, disappointments and anger and no trust. I know there wasn't any trust with them, because they kept accusing each other of cheating. Ironic? She ended up dumping him for some other married guy.
Believer, oh I am trying to give him a chance! But so much of me wants to quit because that chain, our love has been severed! And the anger that I feel for him is overwhelming!
I am also looking to MB to get as much help as I can to help me see the whole picture.
Takola, I am going to read your story and I'll reply as soon as I logg on again!
Ali

Why is this your responsibility? He lost your trust by betrayal. The focus should then be: What will he do to earn it back!
You can not force yourself to trust if he is not trustworthy. Do not accept what the counsellor said unless there can be produced a long list of convincing steps already taken from the WS to regain your trust. Put pressure on the counsellor in this. Trust is not given, it is earned!

Hmmmm. This is a hard one. I can feel how angry and hopeless you feel. In one of the books I read (don't remember which one, there have been many) it suggested that the wife and husband each make out a list of small things that would make them happy. Then give each other the list and do them. It could be things like call everyday, go out to eat on Fridays, play an hour with kids to give spouse some personal time, clean the bathroom, etc., etc. That will give each other an idea of what will make the other one happy. Then when you see other person complying, it will give you some hope that the marriage can get better.

Of course I have very good advice for you, but I didn't do it myself. When my H tried to come back one time and wrote me a love letter, I crumpled it up and threw it in his face. Then I screamed at him "Now what do I have back? A lying cheating betrayer!" So I know how you feel and think you are doing really well under the circumstances. At least you haven't started throwing things at him.

M people should NOT trust each other completely--that's what leads to temptation. Accept that you can't trust him now; stop fighting yourself on it. Let go of your end of that rope. Trust cannot be forced. I've found that once I let go of one side of an internal struggle, I am able to accept the difficulty of what I am facing and look for options rationally, without so much anguish.

I know exactly what you feel. D-day for me was 11/24/02 and it has been a living inferno since then. Prior to that, she abused me verbally, was very nasty, and I was so lost not knowing what was happening. She says she was doing that to get me to leave the marriage before I found out. I did and uncovered a bunch of lies. I was very trusting, never jealous and gave her complete freedom. She does not work because prefers to be at home and be there when the kids return from school. She is seeing an IC who is a strong Christian lady who advocates forgiveness. I have been working very hard to supress my feelings and try to forget, but since there were prior EAs, not PAs, during our dating and engagement, which she attributed to confussion, it has been more difficult. The IC says it takes ~2 years, but I wonder when I will stop feeling hurt. Since she was aided in her PA by females ( a friend and two relatives) I am now very suspicious and distrustful of females. I ask myself why would they cover for her. It turns out her closest friend has been having affairs and has left her H for another man. "Tell me who you are with and I will tell you who you are". I guess that is a motive to help hiding and that is why she went to that friend for help on how to keep 2 men at once. It is hard for me to trust her because there are secrets that she has not come clean with and I know about them.