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#440968 12/18/03 04:39 PM
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I've suspected my W is having an A for a number of months. Our relationship started crumbling early this year, so maybe it began sooner than that.

I don't have time to tell my whole story, but I'm dying for some advice.

I was looking through a stack of bills the other day and came across one from a med lab. My W was tested for two STDs in September. I cannot think of any reason a doctor would suggest such tests, if the patient is in a single partner relationship.

In addition, we haven't made love since around that timeframe. I've tried to initiate many times, but she's always tired, or stays out late, so she knows I'll be sleeping when she gets in. I can't understand the complete drop off in our sex life. She continues to dress sexy and buys lots of things at Victoria's Secret (even has a credit card that she doesn't think I know about).

Over the last year and a half her social life has completely diverged from mine. She goes out all the time with friends, mostly women, but at least once a month with her boss and another girl friend. At first I didn't mind, but I think an EA started with the boss and I suspect he's the OM.

Anyway, halting my rambling, should I confront her now, or gather more evidence? I've been very depressed over the last few months. I've read the information on this site and have begun trying some of them to get her turned around, with no luck. Any advice would be a great help.

Thanks

----------------------
Me - 44
W - 44
Married 21 years
3 kiddos, 18, 13, 9

#440969 12/18/03 05:00 PM
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Yeah, I'd say you've got enough to go on. Let's recap: she won't have sex with you but she still buys sexy lingerie. I guess it's OK to want to look presentable on the outside, but the only person who should be seeing her lingerie is you, and if you're not, then what's the point of having stuff from Victoria's Secret? Unless it's being shown to somebody else.

She goes out without you a lot more than with you. She has a credit card that she thinks you don't know about (and which, presumably therefore, she doesn't want you to know about). And the STD tests take the cake. She's cheating on you. Call her on it now. Yes, you may ruin Christmas, but if your suspicions are confirmed, bear in mind that she's already done that and you're just trying to prevent the ruination from being prolonged.

#440970 12/18/03 05:08 PM
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This sounds exactly like my ex.... I chose to sit on it or deny it.... only to find that if the game goes on it gets worse..... I would try and nip it in the bud ASAP. Meaning immediate confrontation. Of course be prepare for total denial by her..... My ex is the Queen of Denial!!!

#440971 12/18/03 05:13 PM
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You aren't the one ruining Christmas. I would confront her now as you have more than enough info. I wouldn't be so sure its the boss as I suspect she isn't really going out with the girls as often as she claims. I would also hope you will be seeing your Dr. for testing as your health is also at risk. I will be praying for you and your family as you move through this difficult time. And, no you aren't losing your mind. Please keep in mind the children should not be put in the middle of this. Take care.

#440972 12/18/03 06:16 PM
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Yes, I am going crazy. I don't know how I let it get to this stage. Depression is effecting everything from my job to my attitude at home. I've talked to no one about this, so it's all bottled up and ready to burst.

Any tips on how to do the confrontation without falling into the LB mode?

#440973 12/18/03 06:26 PM
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Read through here and see if you find anything else

50 signs your Spouse is having an Affair

I found a lot of things in here that my WW did. I hear a lot of similar things in what you're saying that my WW did.

I confronted my WW but she denied it only for me to find the truth out later. I would make sure you have enough proof to justify your accusations. Just think if you were wrong how she would feel about that. But then again, if you're right, try to brace for the worst.

#440974 12/18/03 07:13 PM
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I can only tell you that the confrontation is not going to be easy. My guess is that she will not be honest with you. I think it is very important to not raise your voice or call names etc. I actually was able to stay very calm, shaking and just short of throwing up, but no yelling except by him. Stick with the facts and based on her willingness to be held accountable and get help, should help you decide the next step. I think you need to decide what options you are willing to give her before you confront her. Stay in the home, leave the home, different bedrooms etc. It may also be helpful to see a counselor before you confront her. The depression is difficult to deal with even with support and still puts me on my knees some days. I pray and am helping my children turn towards God which is hard since their father has turned away. I'm just now getting on my feet at work but its tough. I talked to my boss and he was very supportive and understanding. Hopefully you can at least let your boss know you are having a hard time at some point. In some situations that isn't possible I know.
When/if you do confront her make sure the kids aren't home. Good luck.

#440975 12/18/03 07:41 PM
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I am sorry to say that what is happening to you is nothing new. The fancy underwear, secreat accounts, having their own friends are all the things my WW did also. When confronted my wife lied so convincingly that I acutally spent a few days rereading the e-mails and other things I had found to convince myself that she was lying and my suspicions were correct.

Go to you doctor and get a prescription for anti-depression drugs. I did and it really helped me to stop reacting on an emotional level and to start thinking about what I want to do. Don't let her pull your strings. Take control of the situation.

Another person here often closes with this quote. I have found it to be inspiring.

"It is the advantage and the nature of the strong that they can bring crucial issues to the fore and take a clear position regarding them. The weak always have to choose between alternatives that are not their own." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison)

I deeply love my wife and am willing to do all the hard and heavy work necessary to repair and rebuild our marriage into a better one.

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

#440976 12/18/03 07:51 PM
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I do not have much advise to offer you because I too suspect my husband but don't have as much proof as you. All I offer is support. Do not feel you would ruin Christmas for anyone. It is not you who would be the betrayer. Keep you chin up. As for me I am keeping my ears and eyes wide open to hope that he will slip up soon.
God Bless

#440977 12/18/03 07:57 PM
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However you bring it up to her, make a point of telling her that you're going to get tested for STDs. It'll probably spark a reaction in her; she does still have feelings for you, and if one thing will likely make her feel guilty, it's the possibility that she's given you a horrible disease. The idea that you're saying you think she's dirty or diseased may make her willing to be truthful -- nobody wants to hear that about themselves.

After my TBEW confessed everything but before we separated, I told her I was going to get tested. She told me she'd been tested after the last A ended, and that I didn't need to. I responded that I didn't trust her fidelity, so how could I trust her with my life? I then said that I needed independent confirmation that I hadn't been having unprotected sex for years with somebody who was secretly all crudded up.

She asked that I tell her the results when I got them. I did that; I phoned her after and said, "congratulations, you didn't give me AIDS, thank you very much." All the other results were OK too.

Anyway, I leave that with you

#440978 12/18/03 08:03 PM
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I agree she is probably having an affair.

It is less important that you confront her NOW then you confront her CORRECTLY.

Please listen to my advice. Arrange for a solo phone counseling for yourself with either one of the Harleys or Penni (cerri on this board). Contact info for both are in my signature. No need for your wife to know or agree. With their professional guidance, plan on bringing things to a head after the new year. But get your ducks in a row and get a plan first. This is no time for amateur moves.

Here's hoping for a better 2004.

#440979 12/18/03 08:12 PM
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The question, if I understand it correctly is, "Do I ruin Christmas and expose the affair"? My answer, NO NO NO NO NO

You have two kids under the age of 18- frankly, I could care less about your W's Christmas- I care a lot about what this type of news does to the children.

You have waited this long, what's a couple more weeks? Get past the holidays and make your move- do what you need to- but I emphatically see no reason to darken your children's Christmas (not just this one, believe me, but those that will come for many more years will be tarnished- your kids do not deserve this- she doesn't deserve anything (my opinion) but your kids do.

You know how it is when you experience a death around the holidays, it takes years to "get into the feel" again- and we are adults.

The revelation of an affair affects the unit of the family in much the same way as a death.

For the sake of your kids I hope you think about this.

Have a very Merry Christmas(whatever she's done- you can't change- whatever whe will do is in her control- be happy for yourself and your children and make this a Christmas they can remember with fondness- not the "one where their lives fell in around them"

#440980 12/18/03 10:39 PM
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I'm going to side with k9 on this one. Exposure and confrontation can wait for the few days to make Christmas good for your children. In the meantime....begin Plan A NOW...the holidays are a great time for your wife to see how important her family is....and maybe rethink this.

#440981 12/19/03 12:26 PM
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I concur with K9 and Starfish about waiting as well as GSN's assesment of the situation. Just a look a my name will let you know that I waited way too long. I am now waiting until after the holidays as well to do a Plan B, which is probably a year too late.

My suggestion which is far from expert: Plan A for the holidays (read up on this if you don't understand it) and after the holidays, make a kind request for some time alone and confront her in a calm and controlled manner. As others have said, she will deny it so don't get angry just tell her how you view it and why it makes you uncomfortable.

Do your best to have a Happy Holiday for your kids' sake. My heart goes out to you and know that others have walked, or are walking, in your shoes.

#440982 12/19/03 03:17 PM
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I'd like to thank everyone for their input. It means a lot to be able to converse with someone(s) on this topic, since I've yet to bring it up with anyone else.

I'm close to coming unglued today. I went to bed (though slept little) last night with my mind made up that the confrontation would be tonight. I had done some snooping and found her prescription for birth control pills. I had a vasectomy 2 years ago, so they are either to control her menstrual cycle (she's usually like clockwork) or for what I really suspect. One more log on the fire.

The latest posting have made a lot of sense, and I think drive to the point of my original query. I don't want to upset my children and I certainly don't want to scar them for life. I will wait until after the holidays, at least until after Christmas.

Here's the issue. I'm currently scheduled to be out of town on a business trip starting 1/12. If I do it between Christmas and that date I'll be leaving her to her own devices while I'm gone. Then again, she'd be doing that anyway when I'm gone, the difference being, I hope, that'd I'd be here to support her. (I'm assuming she still wants me and will stay. I can't live thinking otherwise.)

Got an appt. with the Dr. on Monday for depression and STD check. Joy.

Thanks again everyone. I feel much better being able to get somethings off my chest.

#440983 12/19/03 05:20 PM
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notime,

Hang in there buddy....this is a hard hard road, but almost all of us have walked it. I've done it twice in fact....and survived. My marriage has been in recovery and doing well for about a year.

The timing of your trip pretty bad...but hopefully confrontation and exposure will make that a little bit more difficult....it can't make it worse as you have already surmised. What do you know about the OM? If you expose the affair to his wife before you leave....perhaps that will put another cog in the wheel....don't you think? Also, once her family....including the children know...again...your trip will not be nearly as convenient of an opportunity as it was before. Exposure opens the affair to scrutiny and makes it much harder to operate as they did before.

I'm sorry this is so hard....I'm sending my blessings. Go to the doctor and get on ADs and have that test....something to help sleep if you need it too. You're in my prayers.

#440984 12/19/03 07:32 PM
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I cast another vote for waiting until after the holidays. I have two reasons for this.

The first is to NOT mess up Christmas for your children. It is the right thing for you to do as their father. (Note: You will be protecting them from their mother ruining Christmas, not you ruining anything. Get that point straight.)

Second, you need to take control of things for your own good and that of your sons. By YOU making the decision to delay the confrontation so as to protect your children, you are not letting the A or your WW jerk your strings.

My brother, you have my sympathy and more importantly my prayers. God Bless you all.

I deeply love my wife and I pray for the day she decides to recommit herself to our marriage.

#440985 12/20/03 02:18 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notime:
<strong>Here's the issue. I'm currently scheduled to be out of town on a business trip starting 1/12. If I do it between Christmas and that date I'll be leaving her to her own devices while I'm gone. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NT< you did not respond to my advice to get some professional marriage counseling. Please consider that and contact one of the people in my signature for a phone counseling session. You can't "wing" a confrontation about an affair, and your own insticts can be 100 percent incorrect on strategy. speak to the Harleys or Penny -- they have guided hundreds of people successfully through your exact situation.


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