ok im 22 and ive been with my huspand for 6 years.We have 3 little boys.For awhile my huspand was very abusive and mean and hateful to me.I knew one day i would get tired of it.But instead i found my self in someone elses arms.I left my huspand but he begged me to go back so i did,i told him i slept with someone else(co-worker)
and he freaked.He has changed some now.Hes not abusive to me anymore and hes some what nicer to the boys but i lied and told him the guy didnt work here anymore and it was one time.ALL LIES,i went thru so much with my huspand.I would find my self in the bathroom crying till i passed out crying over him cuz what he said or did to me,So i thought i was right in what i did to him.

However the affair is still going on i cant seem to make my self stop.Part of me wants to but i love the way i feel when im with this other guy.This is wrong of me.Trust me i know i dont need anyone to tell me what a horriable person i am.but something has to change i love my huspand but find my self thinking about the other guy.and then again im still young i feel like im in a bubble and i want to get out and go out and flirt and be ny age.My huspand doesnt help me with anything around the house.I work a full time job and take care of evrything at home.The kids,the laundry,the house,cooking,cleaning,my self and somehow he thinks i can find time wit him.i go to bed at 12 and 1 in the am and get up at 530 am. I get all three kids ready by my self take them all out to the car.All he worries about is his self.The only time hes really nice to me is when he wants something sexually.im so lost please help please please please!!!!!

You are very young and in a very painful situation. Please read as much as you can here... MB is a great source of knowledge and inspiration. You know - an affair is like an addiction and you need to stop it right now.
You say that you love your husband! Please - cut off all contact with the other man (OM) NOW, and focus on repairing your relationship with your husband (H). Find out what you can do to make that M work - find out what your needs are - and what you H's needs are.
Find a good (pro marriage) counselor - read the books recommended here - communicate...
Your (3!) boys will thank you.

I wish you all the best!

hi steph

where can i start? i understand your pain and suffering. you sound so desperate to do the right thing but can not seem to find the courage. i once ended an affair that gave me joy and sadness at the same time. i found myself depressed because i believed (and sometimes still do) that i had found my soul mate and hated going home to my abusive home. i have 4 kids and when i first married did not know the monster i married. the abuse started right after we moved in together. the names he called me and the physical abuse were beyond anything i could comprehend. he never lifted a finger to help me with the kids and i too worked full time. i had an affair when i was 28 and thought i had found the solution to all my problems. i found love or so i thought. i could love this person who was kind and lifted my spirits and told me what a wonderful and intelligent person i was. But going from that to an abusive person in the evening caused me to become more depressed. I'd take long baths and cry locked alone in my bathroom. i wasn't brave enough to leave with my children. my self esteem and self respect was gone. i prayed hard one day and asked God for the courage to help me end my affair. i don't know what happened, but i woke up a different person. God gave me the courage to say, "I can't do this anymore and I have to end it, please understand and let me go." I started speaking up and telling people about the abuse and even sent him to jail. If you hide the abuse, you give him person to abuse you. When he came out of jail he promised to never lay a hand on me again and he hasn't. We're both now in our thirties and were working on the verbal abuse. What I've realized is that my husband is a product of his childhood and he doesn't want help. I don't know where life is taking me but I don't want to settle to be someone's else other. I'm different in my thirties then in my 20's and am a stronger person. Looking back, i wish i had left him a long time ago but for some reason, i'm still here. i ask myself, if marriage should be this much work. Be strong and end your affair. Be true to yourself. If you must leave, leave. Obviously, you are not any happier in your situation. I know he makes you feel special but it comes at a high price, your self worth. Your husband needs help. My husband is too proud to get help and feels that he should not go to wackos for help. he thinks a man takes care of his own problems. baby, girl. get help for yourself and your children. if you have to get out, get out. sounds like your doing it all alone anyway. everyone here wants all marriages saved (hope I'm not offending anyone) but some are not meant to save. some people damage us beyond repair. Be true to yourself, if this affair has you all torn up, let it go. Believe me, you have the strength inside of you to do it. Look at how much you do already, you are a strong women. You just have to believe it.

If you are so swampped with work and household, and you have no energy for sex with your H, where do you find the time and energy for the OM? Is the OM willing to help you with all those household chores and the kids that your H has an aversion for?

TooMuchCoffee, the OM does not have to help with the children and chores, he is not her H. I don't think your comments help here at all. In my humble opinion.

steph,

listen to forgettinghim. she gives good advice.

1. End the affair. I don't know if this other person is married or single or what. But it does not matter, end the affair. It is not good for your soul. I had a second life for about 2 1/5 yrs. I know first hand, it is not good for your soul.

2. DO NOT PUT UP WITH ANY ABUSE!!! If you husband has truely stopped ALL ABUSE, then great, work with that. Read here, learn to speak your mind. tell him what you need, in a loving non-confrontational way. guys really don't get it sometimes. i suppose we don't always understand them either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> marriage is work and good communication is so crucial. Can you try any marriage counsoling or perhaps try some sort of workshop? I personally recommend Retrouvaille, an organization that helps troubled marriages. my husband and i went to a weekend and it did wonders for our communication to each other.

You are strong because you are a child of God. Above all that, don't forget that!!! Do not put up with abuse!!! and END THE AFFAIR!! if you cannot bear to say goodbye to this person, then end the marriage and be with the other person. that is your choice, just don't sit on the fence trying to decide, that is not good for you. unless you are single, you cannot have a real relationship with another person. and a real, healthy relationship with another person is what you want, right?? it will be hard, i know! the withdrawal is terrible, but it will be worth it.

good luck!

FinallyLearning please read the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">steph32004:

"He has changed some now. Hes not abusive to me anymore and hes some what nicer to the boys but i lied and told him the guy didnt work here anymore and it was one time.ALL LIES,i went thru so much with my huspand.I would find my self in the bathroom crying till i passed out crying over him cuz what he said or did to me,So i thought i was right in what i did to him."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The abuse no longer is an issue but her resentment from it certainly is. She is using this resentment coupled with the fact that he doesn't do his share of the workload with the house and kids, to justify her affair. My questions were simply to reveal how she is not only lying to her husband but to herself as well just so she can continue her affair with the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FinallyLearning:

"if you cannot bear to say goodbye to this person, then end the marriage and be with the other person. that is your choice, just don't sit on the fence trying to decide, that is not good for you."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This is good advice? Sorry but that is terrible advice. Rebound relationships, especially those born from an affair, have the least chance of surviving. If she decides to divorce her H she needs time for personal recovery before she is healthy enough to get involved with anyone else. It's been well documented that women who were in abusive marriages often end up in another abusive relationship because they have not addressed and resolved the issues that attract them to abusive men in the first place. Steph would be wise to seek out IC(individual counseling) before getting involved with anybody else.

Finally, she has to face the fact that since her H has a predisposition for abuse, the continuation of her affair puts her in greater danger if her H discovers it on his own. It could push him over the edge if he finds out and feels that she's been playing him for a fool. She is literally playing with fire and will get severely burned for doing so.

toomuchcoffeeman,
take it easy on your comments. she is clearly trying to end her turmoil and that is a start. abuse, like affairs, are so damaging. is her husband any better of a person because he didn't abuse her. both of them clearly need help. her spirit is so broken and sometimes trying to write this down does not come across clearly. she is so torn between what is right and what is wrong and is at least headed in the right direction but questioning her actions.

steph, the withdrawl will feel like it will kill you because you'll have to face your unhappiness. you'll won't have your affair as a way of escaping reality. affairs are not real relationships, they are false because you've made a commitment to someone else. i went through withdrawl and felt like i had lost the love of my life but instead found myself and strength i didn't know i had. you're so young and in so much pain. if your husband has a good heart and is willing to get help, give him a chance for the sake of the kids. but if he is not willing, let him go. you don't want your kids to grow up with this kind of example. steph, you're not a bad person. don't let anyone make you believe it. you're confused and hurting.

toomuchcoffee,

sometimes if the abuse "is not as bad", the woman will say it is gone.

the stmt "He has changed some now. Hes not abusive to me anymore and hes some what nicer to the boys" is a red flag in my eyes. I wanted the message of not putting up with any abuse to be very strong. i have seen too many women put up with abuse cuz it is not "that bad".

as for the advice of leaving to be with the OM, i was not trying to advise her to do that, my point was to advise her to choose a path and then live it. She is struggling with ending an affair. I have been there. I can relate to that lost feeling that she is so deeply in right now. Part of the fear for me to let go was... "but what if i am really supposed to be with this OP." i know that is a stmt caused by the fog we are in while in an affair. my head knows that, but the heart does not listen to one's head. at least not for most females. One of the things that got me out of the fog was to force myself to get off the fence.

FL,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know that is a stmt caused by the fog we are in while in an affair. my head knows that, but the heart does not listen to one's head. at least not for most females. One of the things that got me out of the fog was to force myself to get off the fence. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know the part I put in bold is really just an excuse for bad behavior. IF you REALLY believed that then it is also probably true that women should never be placed in a position of authority or decision making. Even voting might be a stretch.

Since I happen to believe that women were given brains to use them for conscious thought rather than just reacting to "feelings", I find that statement bothersome. Especially when talking to a young girl, who is very confused.

FL, you are right she needs to get off the fence, but just jumping without looking at what is on both sides is NOT necessarily a good thing.

One could argue had she been "thinking" rather than "feeling" she would not have married at 16 and have 3 children at 22. But she did what she did.

I, like Coffeeman, have some trouble with the abuse comments. Since she has stated that her H has changed I puzzle over what her original comments meant. Just as radio makes the best medium for suspense (or books) because we can substitute our own images and experiences and fears, it often happens on this board as well.

I think Steph, needs to face her situation realistically. She is 22 but she is also a mother of 3 children. It is NOT play time. Even if she leaves her H for what she feels is the swinging single life, she is a mother. She cannot be a swinging single and a good mother. Her choices, and now the consequences.

Both she and her H are children in my eyes, and I suspect there is potential for them both to grow and mature in to wonderful adults and have a great marriage, but the marriage must survive for that to happen. Her affair is a major issue. His behavior is as well, but what no one here knows is how much of this is justification for her affair, how much of a role she played in the dynamics, and how much he is playing. She has not explained.

So I think Coffeeman was right on, that to complain about no help, no time, no energy, no sex with H, while having an affair is a classic statement of what "fog" is. It needs to be challenged. She needs to start seeing things from a different perspective BEFORE she can make the decisions that face her.

God Bless,

JL

Finally Learning:

I ihave to agree with TMCM's advice here. His point is that two people need to resolve their issues first. It is ALWAYS the result of unresolved personal issues. In this case abuse...and then an affair. These are not brought on by marriage. They are brought into a marriage.

Your logic is flawed. As TMCM says...square up the marriage issues through personal counseling, whatever form that takes. It is not...take the marriage or leave it. Obviously, there are some major issues that need to be resolved here first, before committing to another relationship outside of a marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by steph32004:
<strong>...the affair is still going on i cant seem to make my self stop...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So continue in your affair and quit complaining about your husband? After all, the complaints are your excuses to continue in the affair anyway, am I right?

<sarcasm off>

Basically steph, the affair is over when you decide to be a better wife regardless of what kind of hubby you have. If you change, your marriage will change because you will have change! Change brings change.

Even if your husband never changes, if you change for the better, it will be better.

If you want to leave your marriage, quit blaming your husband and own your acts that have contributed toward the deterioration of the relationship. I have to agree with JL--it's time to grow up!

steph, one last question... Do you eat out of the toilet? All right then, you are in control.

You can make yourself start anything you want to start and you can make yourself stop anything you want to stop.

It's really quite that simple.

Think about what your children are learning about motherhood observing your conflicted behavior... Kids need stability!

TMCM's comments are very relevant and pointed.

Your heart does not control your actions, your brain does. Electrical impulses are sent along your nervous system from your brain and tell your body to perform tasks such as calling OM, kissing OM, etc. You can physically control it. Your body does absolutely no command that does not pass through your brain.

The question is whether or not you will chose to control it. Will you, or won't you?

Time to tell your husband the truth about OM. Buy the book "Surviving an Affair" and work through it with your husband.

His treatment of you is certainly wrong, and he certainly has issues of his own to deal with; however, none of his wrongs justifies yours. Your decision to go outside your marriage certainly doesn't do anything to help fix the issues in your marriage - it only compounds them.