I really need to know if I am just being evil...

My husband carried on an affair with an ex-coworker. She works for the State I live in and due to budget cuts, cell phone use was supposed to be cut by 15% per the Governer. She used her State issued cell phone, her work phone, her work email, and her State issued car on State time to carry the affair on. I want to report this and get her fired. At first I felt sorry for her because my husband lied to her more than he lied to me. I even offered to take her to lunch. Now I am so angry I could scream. He has repeatedly asked her to stop calling him and stop emailing him. He tried ignoring her, but it made her contact him even more 'just wanting answers'. Everytime she emails or calls him, he forwards them to me so that I know what is going on. He even blind copies me on the nasty emails he sends her telling her it is over and to leave him alone. Because of this continued contact on her end I have become very angry and feel that if she wasn't at work she wouldn't be able to contact him (she has a boyfriend she is splitting up with at home, but he didn't know about the affair until I told him and he was not happy to say the least). I know if I reported all of this she would be fired immediately. Another co-worker was fired simply for personal cell phone usage. Rebuilding my marriage would be so much easier if she would just get over it and move on with her life.

I am also curious if anyone has looked into the liability an employer has for not controlling inappropriate email, cell phone and work phone usage. One good lawsuit may help end a whole lot of work place affairs.

I realize high emotion in decision making equals low intelligence, so I need some advice ASAP. She is obviously not going to stop until someone stops her. I don't want to be evil, but for my marriage, I am afraid I will be.

Hello,

As a taxpayer and betrayed spouse, I think it is quite appropriate to contact her employer. She is continuing to threaten the stability of your marriage. "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change." You owe her nothing but contempt. I wish you luck.

Wouldn't getting her fired be a major LB? Why not block her email and the cell phone number from your computer and personal phones. If she is this self destructive, she will implode without your help. Why would you want the debris from her explosion to even touch you?

Is your husband a State employee? Would you trying to get her fired backfire on you?

I know you're angry, but wasn't it Calvin Coolidge who once said I never got in trouble for what I didn't say?

Thank you for the reply Nita. Actually, it wouldn't be a LB because H wants her to stop as well. We have also been getting several blocked phone calls and I believe it is her. When I talked to her she told me that she wanted to hurt him for what he did and I believe this obsession wih him is part of that. When he doesn't respond to her the way she wants him to she gets mean. She plays up how happy she is that she is such a huge topic of conversation in our marriage. I realize her pain is directed towards him, but I just want her to stop so that I can move ahead. Has anyone else dealt with an OW who just wont let go even after WS has repeatedly told them to stop contact?

Also, my husband no longer is a State employee. He actually is a municipal employee now at the same City in which I am employed. She has even bugged the friends he has left there and has gotten them to call him and ask him to go to lunch with them so she could be there and he would have to talk to her. She has bad-mouthed him to his friends, as well. Like I said, initially I felt very sorry for her, but at this point I've had enough.

Have you talked to an attorney, maybe the police about getting a temporary restraining order? It is illegal to continue to contact someone if they ask you to stop. On one point she's right, she keeps intruding on your lives, she's getting attention, and that's all she wants whether it's positive or negative.

Your objective is to always maintain your dignity. Trying to get her fired is beneath you. Besides if she didn't have a job, she would really bother you! Your objective is to get her to leave you alone, her boss can't do that, the law can. Check and see if your state has laws against stalking also. If you retain a lawyer, he or she can handle all the paperwork and you really don't need to have any further contact.

This woman has become a stalker and should be dealt with severely by not only getting a RO but by also notifying her employer of her misuse of company property. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Nita--I know you are right. Pray for me so that I will do what is right. I don't like feeling this angry...

Coffeeman--Thanks for the advice. I wish I had proof that the blocked calls were her. I know I owe her nothing, but it makes me ill to think how sorry I felt for her in the beginning when it was my life that was continuing to crash around me. She didn't care, but she sure played a good act.

So, Is your husband still an employee there or not?? I guess it says ex-coworker in your post, so I'll assume NOT.

If not, tell her employer.Print out the e-mails, get any incoming cell phone records you have from their #.

You can also use all of this at the police station for the restraining order.

Get her away and stop all the(her) drama.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: SheWill ]</small>