My W was a totally different person than I had ever seen or known of since I first met her. She was the aggressor in the affair, it was she that started it, pursued it and started the sexual relationship. Even after the OM ended the sexual part of the relationship, it was my wife that maintained the emotional aspect of the relationship, my wife admits that he rarely called her. I have never known my wife to be aggressive, I have always seen her as somewhat passive. My wife also had pet name for the OM, something that I would never had envisioned her doing. She states that she simply feels that people act differently with different people. How do others feel about this? I initially felt that she was so unhappy at home and felt so lonely and emotionally abused at home that it was that pain that drove her to be someone that she really wasn't, but now I'm not so sure, now I'm really thinking that what she had with the OM was the real her and that what I see at home is someone who is afraid of being themselves, but how does someone hide their real selves for so many years? Our counselor asked this question of me "How do you know that the "her" in her affair was the "real her", maybe the "real her" is the person that you see everyday and that this other person was simply someone crying out for acceptance and caring. Right now, all I know is that I am confused as hell, I want my wife to show me the aggressiveness and caring that she showed the OM, but I am also wondering whether our two different personalities(me and OM) simply brings out two different things in my W and that my personality will never bring those things out.........well I guess I will stop rambling.

My ew is doing the same thing. She has turned 180 degrees. I think it is all part of the justification of the affair.<P>The counselor told me that my w had always lived her life by her brain and had always been a "good" girl. She found that that had not brought her happiness so she has decided to follow her heart and let the "bad" girl do things.<P>It sounds like your w is doing the same thing. I think my w was the aggressor in this also or at least it was 50-50.<P><BR>Hang in there and God Bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<BR>

You know, guys, I don't think that this 180 degree thing is really so unusual. Look at each and every one of our cases. If you knew that your potential spouse was likely to have an affair, would you still have married them? Almost all people who have affairs have gone thru some kind of personality change. And some of the betrayed have too, which in some cases led to the dissatisfaction that caused the affair.<P>I told my W the other night that I was impressed by the way that OM could influence personal change. When I met her, she was the most moral person I had ever known. Now, she seems to think that it would be alright for her to have sex with OM during a "break" from the marriage. Again, when we met and for several years thereafter, she was almost constitutionally incapable of telling a lie. Now she can lie to and deceive me at the drop of a hat and without the least remorse. The 180 surprised me, but it was necessary for her to have the affair.<P>Just my three cents(Two plus a little extra..can't spell the New Orleans word right now)<P>--DeWayne--

When my H and I first met, I was a very strong, independent person. Didn't really put up with anything I thought was wrong. I was very agressive spoke my mind. I wasn't rude. Just very confident and independent I knew what I wanted and where I was going. <P>We have been married for 7 1/2 years now. I am not the same person. My parents get on me on how much I have changed. I keep quiet most of the time. When I do speak my mind to my H, he cracks jokes, makes fun of me, mocks me. This makes me feel stupid. I don't know what I want, where I am going and no umph for goals. It really gets to me. Keep in mind. My H and I have a great sense of humor. We always have, I was able to always make people laugh about anything, my H is like a Jim Carey. I guess you can't keep joking though life and it is creaping up on us as we mature. <P>Yes I have changed but I don't know if that is good or bad. Or if I will go back to be the aggressive, self confident, independent person I once was. <P>At least now My H and I Are aware. We are trying to get our life back.<P>

FA,<P>Some good points here.<P>RWD, I was especially intrigued by what your counsleor said about the "good" vs the "bad". I believe that is true for many of the wayward spouses.<P>Heartpain,<P>The word you are looking for is laignappe, maybe??? Means "a little something extra".<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA -- Yeah, I knew the word...I just looked it up to get the spelling...it's lagniappe...I lived there for a while and knew the word, just forgot how to spell it...<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>Apparently, so did I!!!!!! <P>Roll Me Away<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Laissez les bon temps roulez!<P><BR>Je ne suis pas francais mais je t'aime la vie de francais. <P>Encore, ici. N'est pas?<P> a bientot!

My H HAD to take on a different personality when with xOW. It was all part of the fantasy, and he wouldn't have been able to carry it off if he had been the person everyone else knew.

Other than the lying to me, I wish my W was with me like she was with him. I don't know if he was able to bring this out in her or was it that she just felt more comfortable being herself with him, either way, it sucks!!! Even though my wife is here with me and gave up the OM back in July, I have still been unable to be the smiling, joking person I was when we first me, and she misses that very much, but the pain of this whole ordeal is making that pretty difficult. I think I am meeting her emotional needs rights now, but the laughter is not there and I'm wondering if that is what is needed for her to be more aggressive sexually and more sensual? Are there any ladies out there who can give some insight?

Still looking for any ladies to help, your opinions are valued immensely