I'm a soldier that recently returned from deployment to OIF. My wife and I were married a month before I left and I was gone for seven months. We had our problems, typical first year problems in dealing with the new marriage I guess. However, I let my best friend who was deployed with me stay at my house, as his family, wife and newborn son were in another state. To make a very long story short, they slept together, everyone at work knows about it and she finally confessed after lying for a couple of months. Despite all of our problems and her infidelity, despite me asking the Lord for strength and guidance, I can't seem to get the image of my best friend with my wife out of my head. I can't seem to forget about all the pain that I have felt, it's extremely frustrating because I don't know if I can ever trust her again yet I don't want to let her go. I know that no two people have the same response to situations such as this and that sometimes the best idea is just to deal with it, but how do you forget?

Hello,

What an awful story. You have some best friend. I hope he is your ex best friend and that you informed his wife. What a total backstabber.
I don't know what to say that your wife in your first year of marriage would be sleeping with your best friend in your house like she did. Do not have children until you sort this out. Look at all of your options availiable to you. I think what you have gone through right at the start of your marriage should make you think long and hard about your marriage and your future. I wish you luck.

Thanks for commenting. I am really just needing to be heard and let these feelings out that I can't seem to do with her you know. People at work and family only can tolerate so much you know and I don't know how much talking to my coworkers or our families will help the situation shall we decided to stay married.
I have promised her that I won't leave but I'm just at this point where I ask myself why about too many things. You know we were separated for five years prior to our being married and I still have not found resolve for initially abandoning me. I thought I had.
I feel like sometimes that I owe it to her to give her a chance, but I've also seen how easily she can lie to me, how she is so unwilling to let go of compromising situations (plutonic male friends, and ex-boyfriends) and I tell myself that I'm not doing her a favor by showing her trust that I don't have.
She comes from a family that cheats, her brother, sister, and father, but I never thought she would cheat on me.
I believe that people like this aside from being selfish, are also ignorant to consequences of their actions. Her confession came after I forced her to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth, she never did, instead looking away from me she said that it did happen. She told me that she missed her husband and I told her I did too.
It's just so hard to forget about it, it's so hard not to have so much doubt, so I think despite my promise that I really want to give her a wake-up call as to her problem.
She needs to realize that she has so many great qualities but to betray someone's complete and total trust quickly can negate those qualities. I'm just stuck, I'm stuck between losing the one woman I've always wanted, always loved, and have always considered family, and living the rest of my marriage with so much doubt.

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: JKE ]</small>

Thanks for serving our country. Sorry it turned out that your sacrifice had such an awful end.

Your wife has acted very poorly. However in her defense, she was put in a very bad situation. You were gone, she was worried about you, and scared and lonely. And there was your friend living with her and meeting her emotional needs. It was a recipe for disaster.

Read all about the emotional needs, and rebuilding your marriage here. Also try to get some marriage counseling. Your marriage seems very hopeful to me, and you can get through this. I think even the best women here might have slipped under these circumstances.

So get busy reading, keep posting, and we will help you through this, like you helped us by serving.

Hello again,

Thank you also for serving this country. My friend your last message says it all. There are a ton of red flags. She left you before, she hang with ex boyfriends and easily lies to you. Think hard about finding someone else in the future you can respect and who respects you. From your last message I think it is in the cards that she will continue to break your heart in the future. She is simply not marriage material. I wish you luck and wish you a better future.

Believer,
Thanks for your comment too. I talked to my dad this morning and told him everything that had happened and then went home for lunch. I saw my wife and she could tell that it was on my mind and I could see the hurt in her eyes.
I feel like I can't talk to her about how I feel because I'm so afraid it's going to hurt her. Apparently she feels really bad now that I know what happened for a fact, but it never seemed like she was too sorry about it before hand.
I'm so lost but I also believe and that's why I've come to this site. It's improbable to me that anything will happen in the near future but I'm looking into the distant future and after investing more time, more heart, and more finances into this "partnership" that is a marriage. Ten years from now if this were to happen again I think that it would destroy me and cause an awful amount of bitterness. I know I just ramble on and on and I'm sorry but it's like I want to forget about this but I can't stop talking about it. My life as an onion, with so many layers.

I know how you feel ,My husband is in the Army and gets to travel ,unfortunately he was the one who broke my heart three times to date. I really think you should get your wife involved in MB and the information on here might help her to find out why she did what she did and the two of you can insure that it wont happen again ,another piece of advice you need to talk to her dont worry about hurting her feelings ,she hurt you, if you want to talk about it she should be more than willing ,if she wants the marriage to work .I hope this helps. So far my husband isnt talking to me specificaly about what he did but he also had other issues ,and I am just being patient ,it takes time to heal a broken heart .

You have nothing to lose by doing the MB program. Even if you decide this marriage is disposable (that's what our culture promotes), this program will still work for you.

If you do not make changes, you will go on to another relationship with the same problems. So will she. So get busy and start reading all of the information here.

Both you and wife will have to work together on making your marriage better than you ever dreamed, but it can be done.

You have fought bigger enemies than this, I think you can do this.

I am a strong beleiver in sticking to it! I am a BS...its a very hurtful situation, but you also love the person who betrayed you. It's so hard and sometimes you find yourself in conflict because you think about it hard enough and realized maybe you should AIM higher. Why should i settle for a cheater? ... ha ha come to think of it.. aside from being a cheater, a liar, and someone who hurt you so much. You also see, all the hard work you've done in your marriage, all the love you've shared for years, and the pain you've overcome in the past years.

In your particular case, if she does it again. I wouldn't endure the pain. Everyone deserves a second chance and maybe in your case a third.. but if she is willing to work. I think the first step is to open up to her and try to work things out. So the very first thing is to open up.

As far as your best friend, make sure they do not see each other anymore. He has a wife also? And a child? I still cannot understand the cheater's mind.. so...

You know the more I read into this site I realize that this is so common and I start reading here and there and see ideas and thoughts from both the cheater and the faithful and hurt. So as I do I realize that this is an all too common occurance and that in itself breaks me up because as you said "disposable" is the coin-toss term now days.
I do think I will have to mention this site to my wife.
I am in a much safer situation than most, the best friend OM, as I have learned, is living in another states now and we no longer work together. I do think that I owe it both to myself, my W, and God to make this marriage work and part of that is dealing with the emotional aspect of this entire situation.
Should I have my wife see the posts that I have written so she will know the extent of the damage that has been done?

It is your choice to show her your post, but you and your wife should not have any secrets ,that is one of the most important things to building trust even if she is the one who cant be trusted .I hope you do get her involved in BM it is a great tool to helping everyone even if htey have no major issues.

Hello again,

I think it is very important to show your wife how you feel and share the pain of what she has done. If you act like it is no big deal then how will she understand what she has really done. How can she "get it" if you hide the pain. Your comment that she didn't seem to feel bad until she got caught says a great deal. She should be made aware of the pain that you are dealing with and hopefully she will tell herself she would never wish to inflict that on you again. Honesty with your feelings is a must otherwise what kind of message are you giving her? I wish you luck.

I don't know if you'll ever forget.

My WW had an affair over 5 years ago and the OM was my "best" friend and also my boss, so I understand your issues at work and the images you have in your mind. (We were married 15 years and had just renewed our wedding vows.) When I think back to when WW told me, I still experience the jolt of emotions that raced through my body in hurt and disbelief. I had horrible nightmares/flashbacks for years of them being together or her telling me about having an affair.

I'm further into this, but there are many parallels to our lives. Likewise, my WW comes from a family full of infidelity, and liars. I agree cheating/infidelity is an act of selfishness without thought to consequence. My WW couldn't look me in the eye either, when I confronted her she said no, but called me on the phone from work and told the truth about her affair.

You say you don't know if you can trust her again. Give thought to the possibility of being deployed again, even 10 years out. Not a business trip that you can CHOOSE to fly back early from if the marriage has some problems.

I'm onboard with BryanP - look real hard at where you are, there are lots of red flags. Not giving up compromising situations? Things are off to a bad start. You would not be "disposing" your marriage - you've kept your vows, you've done nothing wrong! You kept your word and oath - served our country, and at great personal expense. (God bless you.)

Part of my problem with my similar situation was the humiliation of my wife AND best friend having an affair right under my nose. I wasn't going to let anyone see how bad that hurt. I was equally concerned about "losing" my wife to my "friend" as I was concerned about staying with a wife that betrayed me. Regardless of emotional needs having an affair is of free choice and free will.

You're right, if it happens 10 years from now it may destroy you. I was 3 kids and 15 years into the marriage come D-Day, it destroyed me. There's a lot of emotional investment into it by that time. Betrayed by the two people I trusted, confided in, was friends with. There was no clean way out. Bottome line is the kids would have been the ones to suffer the consequences of her actions - not her, not me.

As you say, no two people have the same response to the same situation. In your mind, trade places with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> believer Your wife has acted very poorly. However in her defense, she was put in a very bad situation. You were gone, she was worried about you, and scared and lonely. And there was your friend living with her and meeting her emotional needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think even the best women here might have slipped under these circumstances. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please. Stop. What's JKE to change a month into a marriage and then being deployed? Are you defending or justifying the breaking of marital vows by not meeting EN's a month into a marriage?

Forgot to add:

Got a "reminder" the other night while having sex - she said his name. (OM's) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Put those visions of them right back in my mind. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Says she doesn't remember saying that or know how or why. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

losing -
I did not mean the A was justified. I CAN see how it happened. I work at Camp Pendleton and see it all of the time. It is very difficult to be young and newly married and have spouse deployed. The "friend" living with her added fuel to the fire.

Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine that you are terrified about spouse being killed in Iraq (and the spouses are). Add to that you are living with a person of the opposite sex, who is probably comforting you. Then tell me that you are absolutely certain that you would remain faithful. I am a BS who has never dreamed of cheating, and I can see the pitfalls in her situation. After all we make mistakes.

You know when I first heard the rumor about this whole situation I tried so hard not to believe but logic told me otherwise and when I confronted my friend I even told him that I could see how it happened.
I guess it makes you feel like you're not as important anymore, you know, that you're only important when you're there. I don't know.
I understand how it happened, I just don't understand how she or my "friend" let it happen. That's the hardest part of it all is trying to understand how did someone not say no, this can't happen, think about Joseph.
And then my friend, how stupid could he be to go around telling people at work?

You are right - you are the innocent party in all of this. When my H started seeing OW, it was right under my nose. Her H deployed.

So just like you he is the innocent one. He had no idea anything was going on. I was worried and asked my H why he was so withdrawn, but he told me things would get better. Meanwhile he was sleeping with OW.

So I felt really bad, because I was unimportant even when I was here, and trying to work on marriage.

My H's OW's H is named Joseph too. When I think about it, it makes me furious that this happened to him. He came back to no wife, no job, no thanks. I asked my H how he could do that to someone. He said he would make amends to him. Yeah right, he continued the A.

Committing to serve your country, taking an oath.

Committing to love and honor your spouse, giving your vows.

This is interesting, in both instances one gives their word.

It was another long weekend of feeling down and a constant mental separation from my wife. It's almost as if I've shut down all my emotions because I'm afraid to give into them again. I wish that somehow I could erase everything that happened and start over. I even told her that we needed to start dating again, but to be honest our problems in our relationship go further than just infidelity. We are constantly broke, living from paycheck to paycheck, well whatever, anyways. The hardest part about this is how disgusted I am that it all happened. I don't know if it's something that you just get over. Sometimes I feel like I should just go and pick a girl and sleep with her so maybe my wife can truly understand the emotional damage it does to the other person. I don't think that my self esteem has ever been so low. You know my heart tells me to give it a chance and work things out because with everything reward comes risk, but I don't know how much of a risk I'm willing to take for someone who showed me how little they really think of me. I would have never let myself get in that situation, and if I were in that situation and I found it getting like it did between them, I would have made a change. I tried to tell her how I felt and her synopsis of what I said was that she doesn't want to live in the past. I can't escape it.

I have been reading post after post and reading about Plan A and Plan B and sometimes it feels like maybe right now is just the time I need for me, you know to get all of the kinks out. I have been checking this site daily to see if there is some kind of miracle advice out there that will make all of the pain and discomfort go away and I have yet to find one. I just read what a WS said about her A and realized that many of the questions that her H asked I have failed to but wanted to. I finally got up the nerve to ask her if there had been any others, if they had used protection and even if my hunch of when it happened were correct. I guess the more we talk about it the less I have to ask later but it is just so difficult to talk about it. IIt still makes me so furious to even think about it happening and the fact that my "best" friend can cop out be saying he's a man, and what man wouldn't take it. I'm furious that my wife can cop it up to, I don't want to live in the past, the fact is that she had a choice and there was definately time to choose right from wrong. She chose wrong and it hurts every time I think about it. I try to see her point of view, you know the one that I give her credit for even though she hasn't said it. She was alone, she was scared, bla, bla, blah....but I wouldn't do that to her and if the situation arose there would be so many opportunities to say no that eventually I would have. She said that there were no feelings, and that they never kissed or anything, but I know her (I THINK) and one of the things that I know is, she's not quick, she takes her time, she kisses, fondles and flirts. While it's somewhat comforting to know that she didn't have feelings for my best friend, who now I feel like I could never compete with, I also see this as something even more disturbing, that she basically just gave up on her vows, her commitment, and her morals for a quick piece that meant nothing. I mean how many times will this happen in our lives? I just, well sometimes, I can't handle it.