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#443215 02/07/04 10:37 PM
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Hi there....

I've been coming here for just over a month, and am finally having the courage to post. About me, I've been married for 6 years, 4 months, and husband has adopted my son from a previous relationship immediately after marriage. Son is now 12. I'm 33, H is 35, and I found out about his PA on 12/22/2003. It had been going on for approximately 18 months.

Originally I found a suspicious email account on our computer, and after questioning him, he admitted to corresponding with this girl who I had always had misgivings about. H was working in the public eye and it wasn't unusual for people in his career to have "groupies." I was never jealous....H always appeared devoted to me and my son, and while I wondered about this particular girl, I never actually thought that he'd get into an affair with her.

H was morbidly obese all his life and recently had weight loss surgery. he's since lost over 200 pounds. Affair started well before surgery was even thought of, and H was at his heaviest. It seems like he enjoyed the attention of this young woman, couldn't believe that she was interested in him, and allowed himself to get involved physically with her.

After the email account was discovered by me, he said that she had started emailing him, just telling him how good he looked, and too bad he wasn't single. He said that nothing happened, it was just something that he let go on because it made him feel good about himself. It was totally innocent, he said, never anything physical.

I'd decided to not let this come between us, and believed him. It wasn't like they were sleeping together after all!

Well, I was wrong. About a week after telling me this story, the actual truth about the PA came out and it was physical for 18 months. I couldn't figure out when they'd get together, but I found out that pretty much any time he had a chance, they'd meet.

My first reaction was to leave him. I'd always swore that if I was in a relationship where I was cheated on, there'd be no second chances and I'd walk away in a heartbeat. I drilled him for all the sordid details, and believe I got them all. Then, within 2 days, it was almost like we were newlyweds again. I think I was feeling desperate to do what I had to do to hang on to him. I felt that I didn't want him to feel deprived in any way with me so he'd have to call her.

At the beginning of November, he decided to go into the city (we lived a few hours away) and see a movie and stay overnight. He called me from his hotel room that night, and suggested that we move away to another city. We had been running a small business that was getting deeper and deeper in the hole, and he thought that we'd better decide to cut our losses, walk away, and start over in another city. I thought it was a great idea, and within that month, we were moved out and living 1000 miles away.

After finding out about the A, he told me that another reason for wanting to move so far away was to get away from the affair and the woman because he couldn't seem to stop it. I have to add here that he didn't tell me about the A voluntarily. I basically made him think that I had spoken to the OW and that he'd better come clean. So he was cornered.

We had decided to drive back home for Christmas, and he told me that yes, he did contact the OW and tell her that we were coming out and that maybe they could get together. But I really didn't "want to", he said.

Fast forward to now....we're still together, taking it a day at a time, and have seen a counselor once. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and my son, that he loves us, is so very sorry, and will do anything he has to to make things work. He voluntarily phoned the OW with me present, told her that it was over, that it never meant anything emotionally to him, that it was garbage, and to never contact him or me again. See, over the past couple of years, she ended up pretending to be MY friend. We'd email once in awhile, she'd visit our business....wasn't I the blind fool?

Things are going okay right now between my husband and I. He's a lot more loving and attentive to me. For the past year and a half, he'd been like a different person and I always thought it was because he was so unhappy with himself about his weight. I'm sure that was part of the problem, but it was also the guilt of cheating.

Before seeing the counselor, I was like a walking dead person. I couldn't think of anything but what he did, and I would always picture them together. After seeing the counselor, I felt much better and so optimistic. I truly believe my husband is deeply sorry and that he doesn't want to lose us. He also says that this was a one-time thing, meaning that this was the only person he cheated with. I've asked him many times to "come clean" if there were more, or if it had been going on longer, because I was prepared to give him "amnesty". If I found out something down the road, I'm not going to continue to try to forgive and stay together.

I've been so shattered that I will not go through this again. I don't even know that I can stay with him now, but I'm willing to try. I may be able to forgive someday, but I know that I will never forget. I also can't trust him yet....I'm always looking at the history on the computer, checking for clues to something that may or may not be happening. I can't seem to stop myself, and I really hate this bitter, suspicious woman that I've become. If there was anyone in this world that I thought would be totally faithful in a marriage, it's my husband, and now that faith and trust in him is gone, maybe forever.

Will things get better? I am willing to try to stay and work on our marriage so maybe that's half the battle. I'm just still so depressed....I was watching Dr. Phil the other day talking about infidelity and I couldn't stop sobbing hysterically. As I'm typing this I can't hold back the tears! It's been a month and a half....will the pain start to recede soon?

I am so grateful that this site is here. I've been hungrily reading the concepts on the site, and although it really hurts to read most of the posts here, I know it's helping me.

If you've read this far, thanks.

#443216 02/08/04 08:33 AM
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First off, let me send you a hug!! I have never responded to anyone before but I hear your pain and I understand your feelings completely because I am feel identically to you because our stories are so similar. I am at the 4 month past d-day plus a few revelations in between and am feeling the same shock and disbelief as you. It really is starting to sink in! So many MBers have recommended to slow down, let the feelings roll over you (don't try to over-control them, let them run their course so to speak) and really take it one day at a time. Try to spend some time taking care of yourself every day--some pampering, comforting, exercising, reading whatever you enjoy--to help you remember to be your own best friend. Right now, you may be having 2 good days and then you crash, cry and maybe LB or pick a fight. Is this where you are? I think it was Pepperband who said that personal recovery is the first step in clearing up this big mess that your life looks like and I agree. I think that I tried to fix things between my husband and myself too quickly, became frustrated and depressed and then began LBing and setting back any healing/recovery that we made. I'm not saying that you should excuse your husband's behaviour because he has been a complete jerk and has risked losing a terrific woman and his family.
Please take some time for yourself to regroup. You've probably lost all sense of yourself when you were the "walking dead". Been there. It's awful.
For me, I started to make myself look good again. I thought that if I felt so shattered, weepy and fragile at least on the outside I would look groomed and at least like what I saw when I passed a mirror. Believe me, I looked hideous--red eyes, pale sunken skin, hanging clothes. I looked on the outside like I felt on the inside. For a while I didn't care. So, my first step was to wear some makeup, fix my hair and wear perfume and my favorite clothes--every day.
Second, I had contact with people (in stores, libraries etc.) that smiled at me--I made conversation with people and really listened to them (I had been having a hard time concentrating enough to really "hear" people for the longest time) and recieved positive feelings from these people who made me remember that I was worthy and a nice person. My h's A and the aftermath of it made me feel "invisible"--everything that I believed to be true and real WAS NOT!! But the friendly people at church, etc. made me remember that I am real and that I matter. I don't know if this makes sense but that's the first "baby steps" that I took to feel better.
So, I "fixed myself up", I talked to people (rather than obsessing about my life), and took a walk to enjoy feeling the sun on my face, hearing the birds and saying"hi" to people on my walks. I tidied the house (a continual thing with 3 teenagers), baked a lot, read, exercised and tried to laugh and smile every day (at first it felt like my face would crack--had I ever smiled before???) Hang in there hon--believe it or not, things will get better. You need to strengthen yourself inside for the challenges ahead, and believe me there will be many. Use this time to find your power, remember why YOU like YOU and think about the boundaries YOU have set and want for a happy marriage. It will help you as you negotiate the churning waters ahead. Keep in touch--keep posting. One day at a time babe!!

Sandy

#443217 02/08/04 02:57 PM
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Hi Sandy,

Wow, there were things you said that made me feel like it was me who was doing the posting. You are so right about so much. One of the things that I've been doing is taking care of ME. I've been treating myself to bubble baths several times a week, wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself, doing my hair, wearing makeup. I'm shaving my legs every second day. It's almost like I tell myself, If I shave my legs, then I know that I still care about myself and I'm not totally drowned in depression. Isn't that funny?

I'm also overweight, by approximately 100 pounds. I'm struggling to lose it, and have lost 10 pounds since this whole thing started. I quit smoking in July, and have smoked about 3 packs of cigarettes since finding out about the affair in December. I'm currently not smoking because I just don't want to add quitting again to the list of things I need to do to get healthy.

My husband recently found work in our new city, and even though it's only casual for now, I'm enjoying the time to myself. I make sure I keep myself busy though, because it's during those quiet and alone times when I start processing details in my head again.

Hugs to you too Sandy, and thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post.

#443218 02/08/04 07:48 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by In-disbelief:
<strong>Will things get better? I am willing to try to stay and work on our marriage so maybe that's half the battle.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, things can get much better. Better than before the affair ever happened actually. But, they won't get better without working on it.

If you haven't done so already, print out the emotional needs questionnaires, each of you fill one out, and then sit down and go over your responses. While the affair was NOT your fault, it's important to look at what conditions in the marriage made him believe an affair was the appropriate thing to do.

I thought my marriage was great, and was shocked when we need the questionnaires and I found out how many things I could be doing better!!

The weight thing makes it difficult. It can be very hard on a relationship to have one partner lose weight, while the other continues to struggle. After my WLS, my H was so worried I was going to leave him. He eventually had the surgery as well (once he saw that it was successful for me!). Changing your body size dramatically can dredge up all kinds of emotional and psychological issues.

Try to find the time to enter into counseling together. It provides you with an enforced relationship evaluation period each week.

#443219 02/10/04 09:10 AM
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This past day has been very difficult for me. My emotions are spanning each end of the spectrum. One minute I'm so in love with my husband that I am almost able to completely put the affair out of my mind. Other times, like last night and this morning, I am so consumed with thoughts about it that I have to really concentrate to stop the tears.

He just wants to move forward, but I can't seem to get out of the past. I'm mad at him for causing me to feel this way, and for basically ruining my life. I used to be so happy, able to see the silving lining in any cloud. I was so secure in my husband's love and felt so safe with him. Now that's all gone and all I feel is hurt because now I'm a wife who's husband is a cheater. I can't trust him, I am always suspicious, I'm forever trying to find out more information. I've become this bitter, angry person and I hate myself for that.

Sometimes I think it would be just so much easier to walk away and end the marriage. However, I'm not willing to ruin the children's lives over this. I feel stuck....miserable and angry, hurt, sad, depressed....but I don't have the room to do anything about it.

Some days are better...I can leap out of bed and start the day with a smile, but some days are like looking through a dirty pair of glasses. Everything is surrounded by a fog.

Another thing that I'm dealing with is chronic back pain. We were in a car accident about a month ago and I injured my back. It's recovering, but very slowly, and as a result I'm not able to be upright for long periods of time. My husband, since losing all the weight, has been so active...walking, skating, and he's feeling so much better about himself. I want so badly to join him in these activities but there's no way I can participate with this sciatica that I have.

I'm so glad this place is here for me to vent. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to my only friend who's not going to judge me.


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