H. talked to his old co-worker today. His old co-worker wanted to get some information that they discussed a long time ago.
H. said to me: "I hate to bring up old wounds but" and brought up her name. I guess she is pretending that she is in marital heaven again.
OW's H. cheated on her and she cheated on him before she met my H. Then separated and she cheated again with my H. And the sad thing is he knew about my H. But I know the truth!

He keeps telling me that he wants to work it out but he is still upset that she is still working there. In his opinion, because she had so many office A. that caused two managers to get fired, she should have been asked to leave too! I am upset because he is still dwelling over this. If he says he really didn't care about her, then why the heck is he still this upset? I asked him if he is happy with his job and he replied yes. I asked him if he is happy to see his boys every night? And he replied yes. I asked him if he is happy that we are still M? He replied yes. Then why does he still focus so much on her? Still? A year later????
This is why I want to leave. I cannot stand to be degraded like this. I feel he is sooo phoney to me and not real.
Ooooo, I just wish I could see OW and slap her and say here he is take him back! But she dumped him for someone else.
Ali
I wish I can go to bed and hide. Or take a plane some where, where I cannot be found. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Ali,

Let me tell you about my situation. I think it will help you to understand your H.

I worked with the OM (I was the WW). I had a professional job, he was a receptionist for the front desk - going to school.

Short story: my first marriage ended within 2 years of the affair. I ended up meeting and marrying my new H and moved far away. The OM stayed on the job. Not only did he stay on the job - he got promoted. Guess what he was promoted to? MY OLD JOB.

So, that jerk ruined my life (with my help, of course) and gets REWARDED with my old job. Nice work if you can get it, eh?

I tell you this to say that it STILL bugs me!

So maybe your H isn't being demeaning at all. Maybe he's just irked because the OW seems to be doing well, got to keep her job when he had to go, and he's just having a little brain-fart about the whole sordid thing.

What do you think?

Hi New!

So did you leave voluntarily? I kinda got lost in there. Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yes, I understand if you were asked to leave and he took your job, but what my husband did was he acted really immature and did something to jeapordize a co-worker and that is why he was asked to leave. It wasn't like well we know you are sleeping with OW, you're fired and she gets promoted. I tell him that he did it to himself. I know, something that he doesn't want to hear but you have got to know our story. Is he angry about it? Yes. But he's is not thinking of the others that he hurt?

The nice thing is that she is not happy there but because she is such great actress she puts on a great front.

Were you the WW with the H you are with now? I would love to learn more about WW's with OMM? Like not saying you do, But why some W. are attracted to MM?

I need a lot of closure. Then maybe I can move on with my life with or without H.

Get back with me because I would like to know more! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali

My WW never brings up peewee to me, i actualy am the one who brings him up (atleast once a week for effect).
Luckily peewee lives in another country so im not that worried about them being toghether behind my back.

Sounds like the H may have a fetish with Leno. Maybe your H is like my wife "clueless". He may have been "clueless" your entire marraige, yet you were blinded by it by love.

I think about that alot, maybe i saw what i wanted to see in my wife and not who she is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Or maybe all this "A" crap is what life is all about?, seems like its the norm these days.

tune in later...

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

Hi back, Ali! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I left voluntarily - because I was moving here to be with my new H. The OM stayed behind and got my job.

I should have quit LONG before -- might have saved my marriage. So I go around telling people that I believe that affair partners CANNOT work together and save their marriages. My opinion - and a very strong one at that!!

OM was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and it was a HORRIBLE choice on my part to have an affair, let alone with that man. So no, I'm not with him. <shudder>

Hi Bog and New,

Bog you make me laugh! No, H. was just contacted by one of his ex co-workers because they had something that wasn't finished. And of course, H. had to inquire about the sleeze because the two still work together. And yes, he is clueless. I am very devoted to him. Or I should I say...was! I am not there for him emotionally. He needs to be here for me. Is he? Well, pretty obvious that I am writing still in just found out! I do bring up the A. I do it a lot because I have no closure. The sex was bad, she is nasty to look at, she is an evil person. But her sweet talk is what drew him to her. And why he won't let it go is way beyond her not losing her job. It is just an excuse.
Ahhh, she is almost in another country too. 3 miles from the boader!

New, Where is here? (state) And where did you move from? What I am not sure about is why you are upset that OM received your position when you left?? Why did you move??? I should read up on your story. I am happy to see that you are happy in your M. I am so happy to see that you wrote it was a horrible choice and not a mistake. A lot of WS say it was a mistake and that gets me sooo p*ssed when I read that!

Bog, do you have any type of closure? Was it just sex she was looking for? Obviously, it wasn't good sex! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But did she ever tell you why?? But seriously, hearing my H. say those things to me, saying that he missed her, and fell in love with her and when I found out, He panicked (but denied the whole thing to me) went to her and said; "Let's get married!" just killed me. I am a totally different person now. I can't trust him on the level that I did. If I do divorce and find someone new, I would have a new chance and new level of trust. But first I need to see his credit history and read his life story and talk with all his friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding.

We agreed to that too. People that have A. who work together, cannot work together after it ends.
But he is still upset because he is not there even though this job is sooooo much better. His boss is great.

Ali

Ali, I havent had any closure yet, somtimes i think i made a few steps toward closure but i have a brain. My brain thinks of new things everyday to question.

I dont think the WW went to have sex, it was more like attention i think, but i cant be sure. Wife was plating online games that had live chat forums and the OM was a founder of the game and was popular with all the players. The wife became infactuated with the game and wanted to be popular with everyone.

My wife is true model quality. She has modeled in the past(no nudity or anything close to perversion) and had a website she had a few of her close "internet game" friends visit it.
These online geeks went crazy over her and thats when she started to get attention.

The attention i gave her wasnt like the goofballs in her live chatting. She loved the attention and the online life meant everything to her. She went deeper and deeper and it obviously didnt matter what the guy looked like or anything, he was nice to her and thought she was a goddess. It was a complete mismatch. My wife and the OM went water skiiing and he couldnt even get up because he couldnt hold onto the rope.

My wife said she never planned on being with other then the one time and nver loved him or wanted to marry him etc., but remember, WS lie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have some of there chatting recorded, it sounds like the exact opposite from what my wife tells me. When i question her regarding the subjects, she says she was joking and just fooling around when she said it.

These are the kinds of things that make me not trust her. She was joking and fooling around about everything, yet she would jump up and down naked on him trying to get off?

This **** dont make sence to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I dont think my wife would cheat again, but i will never know. She can lie soooo well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Im not unhappy all the time, somtimes i VERY happy, even with my marraige.

I dont think you will ever trust like you did before no matter what happens. If i divorce and re-marry, i will not trust her any more then i trust my wife. I will always be thinking cheating is going on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Isnt life grand!

boo-hoo, Im gona think of warm sandy beaches with a corona in my hand under a palm tree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Yes Ali, my story is VERY long... you see when I registered? Yipes, FIVE YEARS AGO? I was married to my first H at the time. I'd ended my affair, and he was in the middle of some others of his own - he'd had some earlier in our marriage. Very ugly-icky.

I really wrote you originally to tell you that things like the OP still working, or in my case, working at the job I'd done since inception (I had a very specialized position that I'd fought seven years to make full-time permanent), can really get under a WS's skin. It's like THEY (who were half of the equation, after all), get to skate through things while we, the ones who feel guilty, crappy, slutty and/or whorish, feel like we're living with a big scarlet A on our shoulder. We've lost something, and they've gained it. At least, that's how I felt.

My story is too long and cumbersome for your purposes right now (Trust me, it's five years worth! LOL)... just know that I felt a kind of understanding for how your H must feel.

And by the way, remember that I was a BS also (a few times over) and understand you, as well.

Hope this helps!

Second attempt to write. My youngest pressed the Esc key and lost everything!

Hi Bog and New!

Yes New, I totally understand. I am glad that you have a happy marriage now. Glad that you are here still posting to help others. Being on both sides, you can give great advice!

Bog,

That happens to me all the time! Sometimes I think I am moving forward, then the good old brain starts to work hard. But I feel I get nowhere with the questions because he refuses to answer then. How the hell do I get closure?
One of the disanvantages of having a brain I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am totally down today. The one year mark is approaching in two days. As you know, I knew about it but was in such denial. I had hard proof, voice mails, bills etc. But when he called me up late at night on the hour every hour to cry that he got dumped for another man buy her, reality fought really hard to seep in. The next night I gues he went out drinking and some girl picked him up and wanted to take him to the island. He refused because he didn't want to cheat on her???
Then he gave out his phone number to a couple of women after the fact!
I hurt so bad. I guess what I am upset about is I want it the way it use to be. But do you think he should answer my questions? He tells me he doesn't want to deal with it and move on. But giving you some of the examples of his actions, how would you react? Move on?
We talked about a divorce last night. He knows that I will never be able to get past this. He is right. As long as he is doing what he is doing and seeing his face is a consistant reminder of the hurt! But he said he cannot afford to give me a divorce. He told me if I want to leave, I should pack up and go to my parents. I have to stay here because of the schools.
I don't want to hurt anymore!

Ali!

I'll join you under that tree. Rum and coke please!

Oh by the way, when we kiss, we cannot even get it together. I cannot get into. No connection!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hey Ali,

I kind of confused about your situation?

You H cheat on you a few times, what happend from the start?

My wife says the same thing about not wanting to talk about the A. The stuff your husband is saying about "cant afford divorce" etc. sounds like crap to me, he doesnt want a divorce, hes probably using the power he has over you against you.

I think WS's would really sit down and think about everything if they REALLY new they could lose their spouse to sombody else.

Ello Bog!

Well, here is our situation in a nut shell. Short version of course!

Husband doing great in job, hated boss, took another job to be back at the corporate environment with a very well know food company. used to work for a major food company and was doing extremely well. Anyway after 6 weeks, company was bought out, he was let go! 5 months of being unemployed found another job, this job was out of way his comfort zone but they beg him to come on board, meanwhile I am 6 months pregnant! After giving birth with in minutes of our sons arrival (I am being stitched up) his arrogant boss called him on his cell that had to be on 24/7 to tell him that he needs to be in an emergency meeting the next day. No congrats about our new arrival. He goes in and is put on notice. 1 month later he was terminated. He felt so out of place at this job and wasn't given the chance to learn yadda, yadda, yadda. OK all our savings are just about up. But a a close relative said they would help us just don't worry. (Very wealthy) His self esteem was shot because he did not want to rely on him.
All the times he was unemployed, and working for that job that he hated, I put my needs and put them on hold. I mean look what he was going through? Can you imagine? I felt so horrible for him.

A month later, he found a job posted on the web. They company wanted to fly him down so off he went. I wasn't thrilled about where the location was. I have a friend who had a friend that consulted down there and the city where we where going to go was considered the jewel of the valley! Two weeks prior, we found out that our new born had to have major surgery. Freaked out about that. Job interview went great. They wanted to fly me down to look at the area because they wanted to hire him. My H. glamorized the area so I was kinda looking forward to it. Got there, thought the airport was nice. Big mall next to it. But when our hotel picked us up, I nearly died going through the town. But giving it the benefit I thought, well maybe this is the poor side. Wrong! The whole area sucked. Well, I shouldn't say that, there was some nice neighborhoods but a little more than what we could afford and that area had the best school system. And then there was an area way toooo much for his salary! But the bottom line was the area sucked. You are either poor or your rich. He needed a job. Sadly because of our financial situation, we could not afford to move. ANd did not accept hand outs. I can totally understand to that too. In order to afford the "nice" area with the better schools, we would need more money saved up and at least one more year of equity in our house. Our area is pretty new. And we bought hte house in 2000. THis took place in 2002 summer. When we were going to move down there, we were going to rent to catch up and grab more cash! Rent is cheap down there. We would have easily saved $1200 a month. Company did not offer a relo package, so you were looking at an estimate of 8 to 10 grand alone on moving! Soooo. I had to stay here while he took the job. Our son was to have surgery in a month and half later and needed to see the Doctor every 4 weeks for the first 6 months after surgery. So off he went. I begged him to wait because another company was very interested in him but he claimed that this was his dream come true job. I cried and told him "Do you realize what this is going to do to us and our marriage?" We have been through hell so far. All he knew was his dream job was awaiting. It was a great match I will have to agree. But the odds were against us from the start. So even if the job would have been in Hawaii, I would have stayed back.

The monster who he had the affair with, noticed him right a way. She began to question why I wasn't down here and made comments like; "If your wife doesn't come down here soon, someone is going to grab you from her!" She would come into his office and gave him a milkshake, food etc. I had to speak to her regarding with some issues pending and she was so nasty to me. We have some simular things in common so I brought that to her attention and boy talk about a cat scream! She was so evil. I told that to my H. how she was and he didn't think twice about it. I came down to visit for three weeks and she was upset about that because they had already started their A. I knew something wasn't right. I had access to his voice mail and this monster kept leaving messages. Meanwhile while I was down there, she kept enticing him and couldn't wait to be alone with him so she can have him all to herself without any "distractions". Nice to know that I am considered a distraction.
So that is basically our story. Go to his threads he is number 26649. I think.
Read what he said.
But when she dumped him, he went crazy. He went to bars and some women tried to pick him up for a ONS. No, he didn't sleep with that other women from the bar. While he was at the gas station, some girls asked him out. He gave him his cell number but never got a chance to go out with them. I forced his [censored] home right away. When he was home, one of the girls called him and asked who I was in a snotty little voice! I wanted to slap him! But I just laughed and had a field day with them.

But when I was down there, I got really sick. I mean puking every minute. No joke! My joints hurt, high fever, thougth I had food poisining. I will never eat at Quizno's again. Yuck! I was supposed to leave the next day. He had made plans with her to come over the day I left. He took me to the hospital and the doctors wanted to admit me because they thought it was a gull bladder problem ( I am too young for that I was thinking) and if not taken care of, I could have died if I got on that plane the next morning. He said no because it would have added $100.00 bucks to my ticket to change it! Doctors were so upset. They argued with him and my H. being head strong as he is got his way. I was so drugged up to speak. But I heard and understood everything. Ended up taking me back to the apartment where he finished packing for me. It was 2:00 AM and I had to be on the plane at 7:00. I was still puking, fever shot up again to 104. He had no choice but to admit me again. Boy he was so pissed!
While I was down there, (not in the hosptial) he said that he wasn't in love with me anymore) I called my sister and was balling my eyes out. I couldn't figure out what I have done? I helped him through it all and this is what I get?
So the anger that I have is in full force with him.
Did he ever think about all the crap that he put me through? The emptiness, the loniness, running a house hold, taking care of his and the house finances. Our oldest being diagnose with Asperger Syndrome (Bill Gates has that) while he was away. I have been through hell damn it! In reality, I am the one who should have had the A. He was getting his ego stroked and me? Notta! Slowly going down the tubes.
OK, there is the modified story? Questions??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ali!!!!!!!
by the way old ugly face is on a website. Love to give it to you but I don't want to give it publicaly!

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Whoops, should have proof read before I post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR need to sleep the day away!~

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR need to sleep the day away!~

Hello Ali,

That moving away for work stuff is never a good idea these days.

Most people hurt with words, pushing you out sick so he could be with Leno is a hard thing to deal with. BUT people here refer to the "FOG", i personaly think thats an excuse/crapp but my WS crys all the time and explains she didnt know what she was doing, like she was in another world/life.

I keep revenge in the back of my mind all the time. It gets me through times when im in my rant. When im feeling down i will betray my wife, maybe thats how the WS feels when there in the "FOG"?

If i have something on my mind i say it to my wife, im not going to keep in inside. Sometimes my wife leaves the room, somtimes she stays and crys BUT she is going to hear my mind. Luckily you and me know the OM/OW is extreemely lame looking, i make fun of the OM all the time and i point out to my wife certain things he couldnt do etc.

I have pictures of the OM too, but this forum isnt the place for it. I would be embarrased to show them here because people would think there is somthing bigtime wrong with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Like i said before im not always unhappy, sometimes im very happy, try to have some fun, whatever your doing dont try to be unhappy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Your still young, you have lots of time to work all this out, your H is not the only man in the world, he is not the only man thats wants you, he is not the best man in the world.

Hey thanx Bog!

I am not always unhappy too! It is just when something triggers my mind!

Do you believe that? You have a level head. You seem to be down to earth. I am not so sure about the fog thing. It makes it sound more like an excuse than anything. In my opinion, they new damn well what they were doing. It is more of an excuse to justify their behavoir. Coping a plea, or like saying temporary insanity. Excuse! I would be a horrible jury person! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Some women are easy to make them emotional. I don't try to make him feel guilty, but I do need to talk about it get answers. He always leaves the room! Or makes the excuse not now bad timing.
I just figure he wants to keep his memories locked in his temple of gold where he can gloat on it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I do have fun! The quilt club is so exciting it really keeps me going! ;)OK, not knocking anyone who likes to quilt! But you know what I mean.

I was embarrassed too to show my friends her picture. But he made her out to be some Goddess to them so I had to show them what she is. They all cringed! When we were down there, we stopped at his co-workers house to say good bye. I never met him before. As we were rapping it up, he said to H.; "I really don't understand what you were thinking? She cannot even be compared to your wife. I mean, there is not competition!" And the Guy who lived across the hall from him worked with OW H. and said basically the same thing.
In ways it is embarrassing. But she sucked n bed! And I know I don't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Anyway on that note!
Need to go shopping! No, not for me. We need groceries!

Later!
Ali