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#447007 04/26/04 05:42 PM
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I already posted and haven't received an answer so I'm trying again. I don't know if that's okay, because I am new at this. I just feel like I need an open line of communication, because I have so many questions and need so much help.
My H has had an A and is in what I have read is the FOG period. Can anyone thoroughly explain this to me and tell me where I can read more about it?
I shared some things from this sight and after reading them. H has recognized the need to try. H has broke off contact with OW (yesterday)and today he is having a terrible day because he hasn't talked to her. The sex part of the affair I believe ended a few months back. I keep pretty good tabs on him, but H has admitted that he speaks to OW daily. H says it's like the addiction thing he read. H has tried this twice and each time H is so upset over OW he starts to call again and pull away from me. I want to try, but I am so scared of having my world fall in again. How do I help him get over OW? I feel like I'm just not enough and H doesn't agree, but H still seems to need her. How do I cope? And how do I keep him from giving in and calling OW? I am trying to meet all of his emotional needs, but I am afraid of being overbearing. H isn't sure what he wants and I have tried plan A for about a year and just Sat. I moved to plan b. H left for one night and came back the next day wanting to try. How can I not try? I love him and we have a 1year old daughter.

#447008 04/26/04 07:09 PM
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Your husband is in the fog - his brain is being affected so strongly by his emotions that he cannot think rationally. This usually ends a few weeks after the WS ends ALL contact with the OP.

Beyond that: There IS hope!!! Click on the link in my signature line.

#447009 04/26/04 07:14 PM
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Sweetie - Don't be shy. When you don't get answers, just post to your own thread until someone answers you. Another tip - general questions has more traffic than just found out.

Your WH is just like a drug addict. He needs his "fix". If he can stay away from OW, he will get over her, and your marriage can be better than ever.

See if he will read and post here. It might really help him. Stay in Plan A and try to do fun things together. Don't be disappointed if he relapses. It happens.

#447010 04/26/04 07:24 PM
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How can I keep him away from her? If he misses her after one day, how do I have a chance? I don't know how many relapses I can take. Thank you so much. I feel like I am dying and this sight has been a God sent.

#447011 04/26/04 07:26 PM
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Also I have read that it isn't good to try to educate WS. Why not? If I read something that can help, why shouldn't I mention it. And how do I react when he tells me he had a bad day because he didn't get to talk to OW?

#447012 04/26/04 07:30 PM
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You can sympathize with him. Tell him that it is very common to miss OW, but you love him and will help him through this.

Read the posts on the home page "quick clicks" about infidelity, restoring the marriage and reconciliation. Really there is not too much you can do, except to show him the way back to the marriage.

#447013 04/26/04 07:44 PM
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CD,
You CAN educate him. You can bring him to this site. There are many WS that have gone through what he is going through, and will help him through it. I encourage him to come. It's support for him as well. People who have been there..people who will relate to his feelings.

See...you can't...you can never guide him through the withdrawal, you can support him through it..but people HERE can guide him.

Tell him 3 weeks....that's what I've read is the normal amount of time for withdrawal to pass. Make a short term goal chart, and offer reward and support during the 3 weeks.

Tell him how you feel about the relapses, maybe you'll make it through the 3 weeks with NC.

Is the OW married ? I suggest a NC letter. She needs to know his intention to salvage his marriage. Maybe with this knowledge, she'll assist with the NC.

Keep posting....we're here.

#447014 04/26/04 07:52 PM
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i would suggest you move your post over to General Questions as believer suggested...lots of old timers over there who can really help youwith this...let me see if I can give you an analalogy!

Your H is addicted to the OW...Just as a drug addict is addicted to Heroin...a drug addict needs his fix and so does your H...

When a drug addict is addicted to heroin, he cant go a day without that "fix"...once he decides to stop the heroin he will have to go thru a detox period or what we call withdrawal. Withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months or longer. Depending on the addiciton and how he is coping.

Now think of your H as the drug addict and the OW is the heroin. all he needs is a 'fix' but without that fix, things will get better each day. What you need to do is allow your H to withdraw...be there to hold him and comfort him. DO NOT LB him...I would suggest you NOT educate him at this time. Listen to him. Right now you need to help your H get thru the next few weeks...it will be hard...he will go thru ups and downs and more downs in the beginning than ups. You have to be the strong one right now.

Read up on the Basic concepts on the front page of this site. Read up on Love Busters and how NOT to do them.

I think your H is heading in the right direction. Has he written a NC letter? I would suggest he do that as well! And hold on tight. And keep posting here. Welcome aboard!

#447015 04/26/04 07:54 PM
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If you have ANY questions post them here. this site has saved me thru so many bad days. I have gone from Dday to recovering and because of these people, WE are going to be OK. hang in there!

#447016 04/26/04 08:03 PM
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I'm at d-day + 6 months. H supposedly ended the PA on d-day, but the EA continues. H and OW are now "just friends" even though I told H that it was not possible for them to be friends or anything else. However, H refuses to end all contact with OW. They primarily talk on their cell phones. H told OW that he and I are still having sex together, and OW got mad. Can you believe that? Now, OW isn't talking to him and I found him crying in bed. This is such adolescent crap! OW hasn't spoken to him in a week and he's all depressed. I'm not sure how much of this I can take. H is still talking about moving out to "find himself". Yeh, whatever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This sadness over losing their lover is normal when the WS stops contact with the OP. It's called the Withdrawal period. From what I've read, it can take several weeks to several months for them to get through it. Unfortunately, any contact with the OP will start it all over again from square one. That's what is frustrating me so much -- my WH can't even really begin to withdraw until he goes to NC. Hopefully, Plan A and patience will be victorious in the end. So, if you haven't already, read up on Plan A. It is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have to give everything I have before I give up. Read all the information on the MB site. It really helps to understand not only where your head is, but where his head is. Although I do a lot more lurking than posting, I'm still pretty new here. Read the books suggested by everyone here: Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Come here for support and to vent. Be prepared for good days and bad days and really bad days. The rollercoaster is off and running. Hold on. If you're religious, Pray. If you're not, try praying anyway. I'm not as devout as many on this forum, but I do find that praying helps. Good Luck!

#447017 04/26/04 08:04 PM
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I hate the OW. Her husband had A and she was going thru a hard time. H and OW work together. I was pregnant with our only child (now 1) and H was scared. H turn to OW. I had no clue. H came back and confessed of only friendship- going to her house.(Last 4-5 months??) I knew better, but wanted to believe. We tried for about 5 months when H started to withdrawl. Found out later OW had started calling. H never physically went back, but EA continued. We seperated 2 weeks, when H came back wanting to try (Couldn't have regrets if he went to OW for good). We were good for 2-3 days, when I found contact had not ended. I insisted and H made phone call. That day within hours H changed. 2 days later we wern't trying. Lived again in limbo for a few weeks, until I moved to plan B and wanted to quit. H left that night with Infidelity articles from this sight. H went straight to OW. H said they talked. He spent night in motel room and next day he came home wanting to work things out. (that was yesterday)
OW is now going through a divorce and despertly wants mine. OW has small child. How could she do this to someone when she was once me? I backed up because I love him and he needed to get out of the FOG. OW has never showed same respect. I would like to speak to OW, but not sure if I should. OW supposed-of-ly says that he needs to give our marriage 110% and have no regrets, but OW is always waiting in the wings.

#447018 04/26/04 08:58 PM
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Yeh, the OW is playing the "make sure you really want out of your marriage before you come to me" card. If truth be known, they (the OW) are just trying to seem like the calm in the storm. Whereas, to our WHs, we and our marriages seem like a lot of trouble and work right now. My H's OW told him (and me in a recent phone call) that he would just be better off to stay w/ me. Of course, she followed that w/ an "I'll always love him." YUCK!!!! She actually wants me to feel sorry for her. Wow, these people are incredible! As I'm finding out from experience and from reading here, it's all just part of the infidelity two-step. It's a difficult dance to keep up with, it has 3 partners (sometimes 4),lots of turns and twists, starts and stops, directional and lead changes. It's very exhausting and it's a dance I wish I had never learned. Unfortunately, here I am in the middle of this perpetual crazy dance. One alternative is to walk off the dance floor and give up. Another option is to change the song and remind my WH that the two of us dance pretty good together.

Take care of yourself. You are the only person that you can control. Stay strong, even when you the wind has been knocked out of you. Become that calm in the storm.


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