My husband was in Singapore for 8 weeks on business this fall. We had a very hard summer where he worked 12 hour days and weekends. This is the norm for computer companies. The kids and I were supportive. We were also peeved because he wasn't able to take a vacation. We missed his presence and tried to keep him involved with our life. Usually, when he goes to Singapore, I've been able to travel with him at least part of the time. This time, I couldn't. I had bad vibes the whole time he was there. When he came back, he surprised us by coming home early. For the next couple days, I couldn't do anything right. I put it down to stress, traveling and jetlag. It didn't take long to find out the truth. While there, H started (continued?) an affair with a fellow coworker on the project, a divorced woman with 3 kids. It soon became apparent that he'd come home a couple of days early and probably spent them with her. He's been with her every night this week. I know it's not at work. He comes home about 10, goes straight to bed, our bed, but I'm use to having a cold husband in it. It's MY bed. I'm not leaving it.

I'm sad/mad because he won't talk about it. Absolutely nothing. Can't make a plan without communication. Can you tell he's an engineer? I left him a note on the bathroom mirror. I think he read it but no response. Our little daughter is upset because she isn't seeing her daddy. One of our sons is in college taking particularly difficult classes this semester. The other is a senior in high school. His undefeated football team is playing their first playoff game tomorrow. I don't want to dilute either sons' focus. Plus my in-laws want to come up for game. I feel the need to act normal but fume inside. I'm not going to do this for very long (can't do it!)but feel it is important not to hurt the kids right now. And I want to know what he's thinking! I've talked to a lawyer about my rights. I'm seeing a counselor. I told him we need to talk and this can get as ugly as he wants it to be. After looking at this forum, I now think perhaps there's a small chance we can save our marriage. He's got to start talking first.

Advice? Thanks for lettering me dump.

If you want the marriage to get well, you will need to have MC'ing. You can read the concepts and articles Harley has beautifully written out to help guide you. You can get the book, "Not Just Friends", which is so helpful.

Recognize that it will take some time to get answers. You will need to learn how to talk about this too with your own H, without DJ's and LB'ers. Difficult but it can be done. If he doesn't feel safe telling you, you won't get your answers. MC'ing is very important because it helps to have a non-biased professional to guide you both.

I was lucky to find a counselor who I clicked with. I've had one individual session. H has never, ever wanted to do MC. D-Day was a big wakeup call to me. I knew there was trouble but I kept it inside. I'm a very private person and didn't want to confide in anyone. This was just too big not to.

I'm figuring it all needs time. A little time for the shiny newness of H/OW relationship to wear off a little. For the realities of real life with a family,work and home to set it. It isn't like having the affair in a foreign hotel and dinner out every night. (On the company, of course)

I'm not sure he's looked as far as leaving his home, disappointing his kids, informing his parents. You can bet what's doing the thinking right now...does that sound mean?

HC,

Has your H admitted to the A? You say he doesn't talk about anything.

And you are right, he is totally thinking with his smaller head right now. Emersed in endorphines or pheromes that chemically "fog" his brain to his different reality.

It is so sad that this different reality does not include you and his sons.

k

Who knows what his reality includes? Maybe this A in a foreign country, with maid service, laundry drop off and restaurant meals was like a little love cruise. Business trips aren't fun. Maybe it was a way of blowing off stress, the two ships in the (very literaly) night thing. Affairs away are bad enough but tracking the crap into the house really stinks.

I just don't want to fall into the trap where I just live with it.

Dear Hurting Carol,
The only advice I feel comfortable giving you considering my own struggles, it is to set up a time frame, IF you are willing to do plan A. I don't know if you are familiar with MB concepts, they are outlined on the main part of this website, and also in several books, like "Surviving an Affair".

My husband is a nontalkative engineer too, also not interested in MC. After almost three years ( 2.5 after his admission to his affair) and carrying a plan B letter with me I know I waited too long - due to my own fears.

The truth is, you can, and should tend to yourself, IC is a good idea, but after certain time one sided effort cannot restore a marriage to good shape.

I also have children, and this fact ( plus their love their Dad and me wanting to keep their lives intact) did play a big role in me waiting and waiting and hoping for communication to open so any marital healing can begin.

I have to say that doing even imperfect plan A and getting individual counseling did help heal myself, and that's why I am grateful for finding this site. Do not leave out any part of plan A (like exposure - I did). I know the more experienced people here will offer you more specific advice. Some may seem intutive to you, some won't, trusting your instinct is not unfortunately the assurance of marital restoration success, quite contrary.

I wish you will find the way to communicate with your husband, and my heart goes out to you and your children,

FBOW

I'm going to tend to myself. I'm going to give it some time. Did your engineer ever communicate with you? So far, it's all my fault and I'm too demanding even when I just ask gently. I think it's very early days for me. WH won't admit to anything. He says I blame him all the time and nag too much. Apparently, come home and see your children is nagging. Okay, yes it is.

Unfortunately, no. The only real communication happened 2.5 years ago when he admitted that friendship with OW went too far. He's been sitting on the fence, cake eating ever since, refusing IC,MC, ignoring notes, emails, attempts to talk ( I tried to approach him on average I'd say every three months, not more often!!!)

I even received email from OW over a year ago asking for forgiveness for her, that he wants to remain friends with her, but that he chose us for which she admires him, and that she tells him he owes me a coverstation, and asking me to give him more time.
Well, I did, got more deception, evertyhing I do is "nagging" or experimenting apparently, nevermind the form, the timing, the way I approach, the open suggestions I offer.
He hasn't been in the bedroom for over two years, barely speaks, and maintains my disliking of home situation is my problem, and that the way he lives now, as long as I don't "bother" him, suits him fine - he's not happy but he is OK with it.
Well, I am not happy and I've healed myself during this time to find the courage to say (and act) that this is not OK, so separation is in the nearest future.
BTW I am glad you feel anger, I think it shows that you are much healthier with yourself, have more self esteem, and less codependence that I ever had. I did not expose the A as I suspected it would be a deal breaker for him - he would be too proud and ashamed to ever admit he made a mistake to his mother, and I doubt my side of family would ever be able to forgive and forget his deceptions. This was against plan A rules, I might have been paying the price for it for the past 2.5 years.
Nobody knows for sure how the situation would develop, but I do believe correctly done plan A and plan B protects the BS (betrayed spouse) within bearable time frame, even if the marriage fails.
Please read carefully all that applies to plan A, be aware when you are selective.

Hugs,
FBOW

I am also an engineer with communication issues, that's why I was willing to invest more time than the MB thinks is reasonable. That's why I did IC, got on AntiD to surpress my anxiety, tried even counterintuitive approaches, suggested time away. But he simply does not like being around me anymore, no matter what activity we might be doing, and I ran out of the ideas and enthusiasm too.

Sorry, hon but 1 week has been too hard. I'm not going to string this out for 2+ years. I don't know exactly where we're going. I like the MB theory that you don't automatically have to end up in a divorce. It seems more positive. If he doesn't come around, I'm moving on. I couldn't take it. How have you been on this knife edge for so long?

Yep, but it was my choice, against MB principles and advice, plus not doing the disclosure. The pain intensity is not as bad as first few weeks, but I would not advice waiting this long nor wish it onto anyone.
Hang on, read up, THEN decide what you want to do. It is tempting to make rush decisions in the height of the emotions, MBers advise at least a cooling off period, which in my opinion makes perfect sense no matter what you decide to do.

More hugs, and I am glad you are getting more advice on your other threads.
FBOW