This is a long one but here it goes…. D-Day happened six years ago when my daughter was 4 months old. My WH went back and forth between the OW and I. He was my first love and I was very foolish….and I was not about to let the OW have a happy ever after with my WH. So I kept accepting him back. I did go through the broken hearted pain and anguish that accompanies the discovery of an A.

I think my WH was used to having two women fight over him. When one of us got mad he just turned to the other and would be taken back. He got to keep the two women he wanted. It wasn’t until a year after the A that the OW got pregnant. It was then that I bowed out gracefully. I had no contact with WH. I think this scared him and he left the OW (pregnant and all) and came back to me.

The problem was that he never put back what he took away. What I mean by this is that he never gave back the love and attention I needed to feel loved by him. To feel secure in our relationship and to feel like an attractive, vibrant woman. My self esteem was shot to s*** and I did not feel sexually attractive. So when it came to sex I was not there emotionally. He noticed this and our sex life eventually became non-existent. Before our sex life became non-existent I opened up to try to tell him that my emotional needs were not being met and the consequence was that his physical needs were not being met. Not out of selfishness but because women need to feel love to make love (Dr. Gray) He finally told me that he was not the type of person that was able to provide the loving attention that I needed. I accepted this unwillingly, but I knew that this would come back and bite him in the a**.

You may be wondering why I am writing this after six years. Well three weeks ago, I found an email to him from another woman. A co-worker who he was having an A with. His response was that I was not satisfying his needs in bed. I told him that he was not meeting my emotional needs, but that does not make it okay for me to go out and have an A. What is especially bad about this A is that he works for the apartment complex that we live in and the OW works in the office, so they see each other every day. I exposed the A from day one. I confronted the OW at work (she was by herself), asked her why and said my peace. I told he I was going to tell her H. She asked me why was I going to do this to her kids. I told her because she was doing this to mine. (she knew of me and my kids,12, 5 and 11 months) She said she was not going to see WH anymore. I thanked her but not before knocking her on her [censored]. I exposed them to their boss. Who is working on getting on of them transferred.

The help that I need from you guys is that I can’t figure out what to do next. I am not a broken hearted fool. I feel more disappointed in him than anything else. I am not angry, hurt or neurotic.. just disappointed. We still love each other. I just feel as if I can no longer be his lover. His friend but not his lover. Right now I am using my head not my heart and I wonder if this is enough to save this marriage. Shouldn’t I feel wounded? I can easily walk out of this relationship without so much as a by your leave. Yet, I feel sorry for him and for the children. Yes, we have tried to work on it. Somedays, it good, but some days, I could care less. I don’t feel I can trust him, and It means nothing for me to try. Except for the A, his an exemplary person and father and you would never think he was the type to do this.

Should we move to a different place and have him get a different job? Should I move with the kids? Should I try? Should I give up? Shoudl I tell the OW's H? (If I tell the OW's H my WH boss said she would have not choice but to fire the OW and my WH...I dont want to bite my hand to spite my face because we really need his income)

P.S. This first OW, recently emailed my WH to tell him she still has feelings for him and also sent him a very sexually explicit email. (He showed me this because he does not like her becuz she messes with his visitation schedule when it comes to their daughter) My WH and the second OW have no contact…supposedly. So, you see, I have a lot of issues. Help!

You are in this situation again because the original problem was not addressed. Please start by reading the general welcome and surviving the affair by Dr Harley. You are probably going to need IC. You can do this on the phone with the Harleys. What does your H want? You both need to acknowledge your lack of meeting each others needs. THat said, it is not your fault that he choose having an affair as a solution. That is 100% his fault. This is going to be hard work, but it will be worth it. What you had was a false recovery. You did the right thing by exposing the affair. You must put the blame on your H, the OW is just a side effect, your H chose to stray-it is easier to be mad at her, but I doubt she tied him up. I would let her H know about the affair.

Hoosong, you answered you own question. I don't think you are going to get the love back that you once felt for your husband. He might have been the love of you life but obvioulsly, he cannot commit to the extent of love that you are looking for.

It sounds like to me that you guys can remain friends and have an open relationship. Most women in your shoes would not been able to handle the greif that you have been through for the last several years. Why not call it quits and just remain friends? I hate to suggest such a thing. But if he can easily go ahead and slip back with this women because he is "sexually starved" he is a very selfish man and reality he is not thinking of you. And what happens when the next women comes along because he dicided that you are not meeting another need of his? And do you really want that? And what about your needs? He already admitted to you that he cannot fulfill them. Do you want to go through the rest of your life feeling that way? The loss, the emptiness? Unless you want a marriage made of convenience where cheating on you is OK?
What about being a roll model for your kids. They might grow up and think that this is normal. And what if your daughter meets some man like your husband? He cheated on you twice!! Imagine the heart break she might feel?

It is not about letting the other women have him. It is about you! You do not deserve this treatment. Have some self respect and stand up to him. He has a lot of issues.

What else did this other women say to you? I would sit down and speak to her husband and beg him not to fire your husband until he gets another job. Working there is not a good situation. And her husband has a right to know that she is being sexually explicit to your husband. Think about it, if you were in his shoes, in which you were, would you want to know what was going on behind your back?

Are you in any type of counseling? What about other kinds of support? I know having a young child can have a huge amounts of stress and to top this off has got to be tough. My son was 5 months old when my h. started his affair. My son's needs and my needs were extremely overwhelming. It was very difficult to balance.

I think in your heart you know what needs to be done. I hardly ever recommend that a couple divorce without trying but in this situation, too much time and not enough compassion or cares are not being accounted for. But you did get pregnant??? Was there any little passion there that was felt?

Let's us know. I sincerely feel for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali~

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>