I found out end of July 2004 my husband was having an affair. Asked him to move out, and he did for over a month, talked things through and he promised to end the affair. However, I have discovered 4 times he is still seeing this woman, and we go through fighting and him apologising and promising to end. However, 4 things are making it difficult for me to deal with the situation:
1-the woman stays in the US and we're in the UK so its kind of a long distance relationship for them (should I end my marriage due to such a relationship??)
2-I feel very used, as for the past few years I have basically been looking after my husband, financially and all (so isn't this a big betrayal)
3-despite trying to work things through, I know and feel he is not quite commited and am not sure for how long we will go through this rollercoaster.
4-to make matters worse, this woman has the audecity to call my house, we have changed our phone 3 times, and I guess through my husband, she finds out our phone and calls me, harassing me
What should I do.....I don't want our marriage to end but at the same time feel so betrayed, unrespected and feel we have nothing anymore, we do not have any children

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Most of us have been where you are now. It does get better, so please read and post here. You will get lots of support.

Check out the link to Plan A on my signature line. That is the place to start.

Is there a reason your husband is not working?

Ma,

-to make matters worse, this woman has the audecity to call my house, we have changed our phone 3 times, and I guess through my husband, she finds out our phone and calls me, harassing me

Why in the world does she call and harass you and what about.

Is she married? Expose to whoever she might be close to. There must be NO CONTACT before anything else can happen.

Is it a physical A or emotional? It would be expensive to conduct a PA.

(should I end my marriage due to such a relationship??)

He must stop the relationship with the OW.

Thanks for the responses..
Is there a reason your husband is not working? Well, for a while he says not been working because he could not get a job after we relocated to the UK. However, now he is working

Why in the world does she call and harass you and what about. From what I gather, this woman desperately wants to get marrried, and will do anything to end our marriage. She is not married and am not sure of who I can expose her to. I tried to find out where she works but with no luck. I have even threatened to sue her but this does not seem to deter her.
Now, her relationship with my husband seems to emotional I guess but there have seen each other twice, on both occasions with my husband paying for the OW's air ticket to come to visit him in UK. All this I discovered after I found out about the affair, which had been going on for a year by then.

I really do not know what to do.

I am so sorry about the circumstance you are in. It is hard.

How often does the two of them meet? Do you provide the sole financials for the two of you? Can you open another account and put your money in there so he cannot have access to it?

Did you talk with your husband to find out why he is continuing to cheat on you? Are you in any type of counseling? Have you read any books on infidelity?

As for this women, she can be easily tracked down. Just do a lot of snooping with the phone bills, go through his bills and personal things.
Is your husbadn leading this women on to make her think that the two of them have a chance?

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? That book has a lot of advice that might help you. The betrayal feeling is the worst feeling that I have ever occuried. My son was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and my youngest son had to have major surgery on his head. As terrified as I was, those feelings can't even come close to the feeling of betrayal. Betrayal robs you of your life, identity, and selfworth. It hurts. Especially, when you are lied to over and over again.

You need to sit him down and you need to make him write a no contact letter to her if is "serious" about ending the relationship. You can read more about the benefits of this tactic in the book SAA. Then the two of you need to make a plan on how you are both going to heal your marriage. I suggest going to a MC for this. The good news is that she lives in the US. So you got a whole ocean between him and her. I also suggest putting spyware on your computer to see if he is staying away from her and keeping his commit to you.

If she calls again, you can tell her that the two of you are working it out and please stop calling because she will get no where. Also mention that there are dating services for people like her that desparately need to find a groom. Not someone's already married husband. She is trying to get to you. Don't let her. She will win and succeed to come between you and your husband. Have a little chuckle in your voice when you talk with her next. That will bother her!

That should be some start for you. I know how dizzy this can be. It is frustrating as well as devastating.

Keep me posted.

Ali~

By the way, where did you move from?

Thanks for all the responses, makes the situation a bit better. I keep asking myself why I'm still with my H, but the truth is he is a very nice guy. Before DD, I used to think there is noone in the world like him, very considerate, kind, respectful and caring. But now all these qualities have been overshadowed by his deception and lies.The 4 times I have discovered he is still seeing this woman, he always begs and cries, calls up my sister to apologise through her, but I ask myself for how long are we going to be going through this. He is the one initiating contact with this OW.
He is now working and contributes equally to the household.
This whole situation is really difficult for me. Some days (most actually), we are happy, until I discover that he is still contacting the OW, and then she calls me to brag that they are still together and we have no marriage.
I have talked to my husband, have told his closest friend, have told my sister, have told my brother-in-law, who have all spoken to him, and all of whom he has told he is sorry and does not understand why he is hurting me so. But still, he is continuting with the A. I have threatened to D him and he begs and tells me he wants our M to work, but is not putting any effort emotionally.
I am so scared of looking back a year or so from now, and finding I'm still in the same situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />