My W and I are working towards building a better marriage than what we had before her affair. Since discovery I have worked very, very hard to forgive. I have tried to meet all of her emotional needs in hopes of restoring the "in-love" feeling that she lost for me. While I have never condoned her affair, I have recognized my part in creating an atmosphere that would lead to an affair. This Christmas I bought my W a wedding ring, one much better than the first, as I was poor as hell when we first married. She stated that she loved it, she cried, stating that she didn't feel that she deserved it because she had been such a terrible wife. Since christmas, she has been much more helpful, more affectionate and a little more passionate towards me, but I am stuggling very much so with resentment. I have read the article on this site regarding resentment, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. While I don't talk about the affair anymore, my W can tell when it is on my mind. I know resentment can hinder our recovery, can anyone share how they have handled resentment, what works, what doesn't, I need help ASAP

write it down and burn it.<BR>if you can, calmly,rationally talk to her.<P>write it down and burn it.

even after a year, the resentment comes and goes. even after forgiveness, those hurt feelings still surface. the wound is very deep and the healing takes a long time. try and look back and see that you are making progress, that you are less resentful than you were, say 2 weeks ago or longer. when i see that i am getting better, it encourages me. when i get that overwhelming obsessive questioning pain that takes over - i try to change the subject, come to this site, read a book, go out and do something. i am working through a bible study book called "Lord Heal My Hurts" by Kay Arthur, that helps. sometimes i just say to my H, "i am struggling". put on loud music and sing. and maybe just once in a while, give in and cry and go to bed and wallow in it, to remind you of how you DON'T want to live. you are not alone.

this is a strange suggestion, but please bear with me..hop to "Women's Bible Study forum" you need to scroll down from infidelity, past the archives, to study group...go there and read my (POGP) Fixing Our Mind...Capturing Those Thoughts<P>I don't know if you are a Christian, but if you believe Christ died to save you, then perhaps you'll understand why I believe he died to save me from the traps in my own mind...I believe that God wants to restore marriages and 'the other side' wants to destroy them...If the cross is the source of our salvation, then why not the source of our liberation from other peoples sins?<P>I believe it is, and that it is giving me the strength to deal with this struggle...<P>we are five months post confession/five months into recovery...h. says he wants to love me and be with me and the kids, yet still struggles because he can't break free from calling her...resentment? yes, I understand!<P>liz/POGP/alias

In my experience there is no quick "fix-it" solution. There is only Time and Love. Love heals all wounds...this is definitely true. What no one told us was that Love runs its healing course over a period of Time. For those of us who have patience...this is good enough. For those who lack patience, there is no real answer...no solution. I pray that you have the patience to let Love take its healing course in your life.<P>God Bless<P>Peter<P>------------------<BR>It is more noble to devote yourself to the cause of a loved one than to endeavor to feed the massses of starving mouths.

I am not one to give advice on this subject but I promise you I do know how you feel.<BR> If you've read my profile then you know my story. I have always believed God allowed things to happen to us for a reason. I told my wife that the greatest pain in me today is because of the resentment I felt for her having the affair. I don't even know the OM so how could I have any emotions toward him? He is not and never was a part of my life. She was and still is. The only thing I asked God for in helping me deal with my pain is for me to somehow "let it go".<BR> The only time the OM comes up in our relationship is when I bring up what she did to us. The frequency of me bringing up questions is getting longer and longer. Forget it. Like covenant said "write it down and burn it".<BR> Let yourself love your wife again. I mean romantically love her again. The little things we do for each other mean so much to us. Treat each other as if you were dating again. Only this time you'll love her more than ever because you'll understand what she really means to you. Learn to say a prayer together each morning when you awake and/or each night before you go to sleep.<BR> If you trust in God, then allow Him to help you through this.<BR> Except for the "triggers" that remind me of her affair we have the most wonderful realtionship. I can see a glow in her face that seems to open up to her soul and I know it is because of the love we share for each other.

Thank You for the replies, believe me I will try them all. I so afraid that my resentment will greatly hinder what we are trying to build. Somedays I am fine and everything goes smoothly, then other days I go from feeling depressed to furious, those are the days that I usually don't say much, which I know is a dead giveaway to my wife about what is going through my mind. This of course leads to her feeling more guilty about what she did. I try to engage in some type of activity on the bad days, but again, my conversation is not very good on those days, I guess I have to better at masking what I am feeling or thinking at that moment.<P>PATIENCE.............this more than anything is what I have to work on, in the past, I have always had little of this one......but I'll keep working on it.