Hi Everyone:<P>I'm single and the other party is single. He is seeing someone else. I met him at church.<P>He never brought this woman to church, she isn't seen with him around town, and he kind of pushed her to the side... and tried to draw and attract me... at church. (Which did NOT work... cause I felt threatened.)<P>Long story. I had an abusive previous marriage, was strongly attracted to this man, experienced panic in relation to him, and then learned he was seeing someone else.<P>It was like an "epiphany" or something. Saw this man at church, had never seen him before, our eyes met... and whoa!<P>Before this "epiphany" experience, I had searched my heart and described to my girlfriends what my "ideal" man would be like... height, weight, personality, style, he'd own a company, be, well, Dutch like me, etc.<P>This hits epiphany level if you have faith. My girlfriends thought I would be interested in someone who fit the list I came up with. They described an indvidual. I searched my heart. (I'm spiritual and just really search my heart when I relate to God and need answers.)<P>I asked my girlfriends what kind of vehicle this individual drove. They said, "Green Ford Truck". I searched my heart. Truck... yes. Ford... no. Green... no. Truck means masculine and that would fit. Ford would not fit. My man would drive a Chevy truck because Chevy trucks are more practical. Also, I heard a personality profile test result on why people select certain color vehicles to match their personalities. A person who selects green, per the survey, is an elitist type person. Nothing "wrong" with that... but not my type. A person who selects blue, however, is heavily weighted with responsibility in their character.<P>Searched my heart. No. Don't want to meet him. Any man of mine would drive a blue Chevy truck.<P>Don't ask me why I felt that... I felt it with clear knowing.<P>Well... I had this "epiphany" experience when our eyes met... and my heart was gone. I was still in the grip of aversion, experienced panic, and reacted against it. I was sure that there was no way possible that this individual could fit my list (which I kind of thought, in a way, ruled out all comers... too detailed and improbable).<P>Found out who he was. Height, weight, personality... was easily identified as in agreement with my list. Dutch. I'm like, "Well, what does he do?" Owns a company. I was like, "Oh dear. This is trippy. I fell in love at first sight... at church... from the heart... at what definitely felt like an act of God. What kind of vehicle does he drive?" Blue Chevy truck.<P>Well... I still had panic attacks. Then I learned he was seeing someone else. (He felt somewhat rejected because I had an aversive reaction towards him and avoided him until I could grow in comfort. Kind of drove him into his "someone else's" arms. My interaction was aversive to him, was not encouraging him, or meeting any emotional needs.) <P>Long story. Anyway, I finally outgrew most of my panic. Then I gave him to know that he had to break up with his gf... or we could not interact or relate. It was too painful to me, he expected too much of me in that he was passively waiting for me to outgrow aversion and making me responsible for his hurt feelings in relation to me, and three's a crowd... even if he kept the two of his in distinct spheres of his life... not fair to her, me, or himself.<P>I moved out of town. I left the church. When I asked him to break up with his girlfriend... I didn't offer anything. It was like break up or else I'm gone. (I was defensive.) He wavered. He refused. I left.<P>It's been 4 months of zero contact. I'm writing a very brief letter... not mentioning "stop seeing your girlfriend" and just saying that I need him to be available if I am going to be able to feel comfortable enough to relate to him in a way that meets his needs. (He's quite interested. He gives me what I call "smokin' looks"... and becomes quite hurt when I either avoid him or do not respond in kind. He's actually a very nice person. We react to one another.)<P>Enough of my mini-novel, here.<P>I'm writing the letter. He's had 4 months to pursue a relationship with just her... and he told me he has zero intention to marry her... which means she only meets one or two, maybe 3, of his needs... but he knows marriage won't work. He loves me... and was very hurt and upset that I did not respond appropriately and affirming, accepting, encouraging towards him (panic issue).<P>Anyway, I'm going to offer to meet his needs if he becomes available and makes a positive effort to meet mine. The letter is not combatitive, demanding, argumentative, or defensive. This letter has the right tone and offer... and I think the timing might be right.<P>It's taken me 3 1/2 years of divorce recovery to get this far (former husband major case... all biblical grounds for divorce... lied, said he was a Christian, and was not). Very strong aversion created.<P>God bless... anyone who actually read all that... <P><BR>Laura

Laura...<P>Let me be honest...<P>I don't think this man is for you.<BR>He should... of his own accord pursue a relationship with you on his own... <B>only</B> after he (also of his own accord) breaks off the relationship with the other woman.<P>Now... for what you are looking for in a relationship...<BR>...is it not built on "things" of this world?...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>height, weight, personality, style, he'd own a company, be, well, Dutch like me, etc...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>????<BR>Is this what your needs are in this relationship???<BR>...or in any relationship???<P>Is the "church"-thing...<BR>...really important?<P>Are you going to be honest in all of your needs to a person you want to have a long-term marital relationship?<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR>Are you willing to discuss these as both your needs and his needs???<P>Prayers to you for discernment.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Jim:<P>He's for me. I appreciate respect for my judgment.<P>I am becoming a member of the greeters staff in the singles group at my new church.<P>I am quite popular. I am friendly, outgoing, confident, assertive, etc. I do not lack for social skills. I have already been asked out by a few men. I'm not interested, thanks.<P>I am not some sort of pre-programmed emotional robot that a man can just approach in "x" fashion and then I will respond as if just any man would do if only he would be have in "x" fashion towards me... like I could just love any man on the planet if only he met my "emotional needs".<P>Excuse me. I am a complex individual... and, yes, absolutely... I ABSOLUTELY believe that there is only ONE person in this whole entire world that GOD destines and intends to be my perfect fit.<P>Could I have a second best? Yes. Could I have a third best? Yes. Could about any man on the planet meet one or some of my emotional needs? Yes.<P>Am I STUPID enough to go looking for someone to meet my needs... desperate for some form of attachment... because I NEEEEEEEEEEEED a man to love me? No.<P>The moment that people hear that I had a spiritual experience and subsequently experienced panic... their minds switch gears to a movie, or something, they probably should not have watched in the first place... and then they try to convince me that I'm some kind of harebrained idiot who doesn't know what she feels, how or why.<P>Thanks, but I'm not. <P>As for this man, he is gifted and able to meet every last one of my emotional needs... and send me right on over the top... and vice versa.<P>Don't patronize me, Jim.<P>GB,<P>Laura<P>

I'm sorry if I offended you in your judgment.<P>I am a firm believer... in the Plan A should take us to the road of becoming the "giver" we can best become. I didn't see that route... at least in your initial post...<BR>...and yes... you do know best what is written in your heart.<P>I only ask that you consider that you include in your relationship building... one built with God at the center...<BR>...(not necessarily "church"... but God)...<BR>with <B>that</B> as the primary focus... Plan A and POJA and the 4 rules to a good marriage has the best chance to build the best of marriages.<P>Again, if I came across as patronizing...<BR>...I heartfully apologize.<P> <P>Jim

"Let me be honest...<P> I don't think this man is for you.<BR> He should... of his own accord pursue a relationship with you on his own... only after he<BR> (also of his own accord) breaks off the relationship with the other woman."<P>Amen, Jim, Amen!!!<P><BR>If he is the man for you, your relationship will wait until he has, of his own accord, become a free man. Personally, I would stay away from him until/unless that happens. <P>Good Luck.

Hi:<P>I think it is patronizing to say that you think that this man is not for me when I say that I believe that he is. I am the only one who can decide that for myself. For example, if a woman is married to a man and he cheats on her... then many say, "You should ditch the relationship because if he truly loved you then he would never do that." But that's not really their place to say.<P>Love has to do with chemistry. There is spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical chemistry involved. Love is kind of like a spiritual, physical, mental chemical reaction... that is felt and experienced in one's emotions.<P>One cannot create chemistry. Either it exists or it is does not.<P>I agree with both of you that it is in my personal best interest, and in the interest of a future relationship, to separate myself from this individual until he becomes fully available. That is not to say, however, that we are not right for each other because we are both attracted while he is seeing someone else. That is where being single is different than being married. If he was married, I would be wrong to say, "Leave your wife and I would be interested in you." That would never be moral. However, because he is single and is pursuing a relationship with a woman he told me he intends never to marry, it is moral and proper to say to him, "We will have no further contact until you become available and we become better able to relate."<P>In this manner, I am not initiating the breakup of his relationship any more than he and I "initiated" our chemistry. We just experienced it. I... because I am very spiritually centered and sensitive... felt it at a spiritual level that surpasses mere emotion. I feel and know the difference between agape that initiates beyond the level of mere attraction for other reasons.<P>God is Love. Love is of God. When a born-again Christian experiences love at a spiritual level... that is the love of God... and that is a love of God.<P>Chemistry. I did not create myself. He did create himself. We were created by a Creator... with predetermined chemistry.<P>I love Jesus because He first loved me. I say that my love for Him was destined and pre-determined. Others hold a different point of view. Nonetheless, I know that He knew me before the world was created... then... by God's grace I came to know Him.<P>This man that I say I love. I feel that I do love him with the love of God. I would easily believe that the same God who orders my steps knows exactly who my perfect match is... and created him to have chemistry with me.<P>Am I too romantic for such a cynical world? Do materialists really believe that chemistry can be evinced and it is all mere emotion? If so... then we are merely soulish beings who possess not a spirit. But if we are spirit beings... then what we experience spiritually we feel in our emotions.<P>Love is a many splendored thing. I call romance... "goo goo agape". I'm really hilarious if you would meet me. If you took my panic less seriously (part of my outgoing personality to have strong emotional reactions)... you'd step back and see humor as I do.<P>Know what's funny? Tell God your plans and that you have control of your own heart. He will laugh with holy hilarity at self-evident pompousity. The Bible says that our hearts are in His hands. He turns them like a waterspout where He will... He orders our steps. While we make our plans... the outcome is in His hands.<P>This situation? Like all others... it is in the hands of God. If I had control... that man would not have come near my heart... which is the reason for my panic.<P>No further contact with him. Will he break up with his girlfriend? Will we get together? The answer is destiny some see beforehand and some know only as it unfolds.<P>We all have our framework of belief. As a person who believes that God is in control and moves and shapes destiny... and works in our hearts until we grow strong enough to walk in His love... I feel quite safe with my future in His hands.<P>I know that I am loved with the love of Christ.<P>God bless,<P>Laura