I have to agree that being unavailable would be a bad thing for me. That was one of the problems in our M, I was too busy with work, and golf. I need to be there whenever she reaches out to me. But I do agree I can't come across as needy/clingy either. Still hanging in there..

She called me today and asked me to have dinner sometime this weekend! I said I had a bachlor party Friday and A wedding on Saturday, so Sunday it is. She said we could have dinner and talk. I'm now afraid of what she has to say. I hope it's she want's to come home, but I fear it's going to be the "d" word. Got my SAA today going to go read all night [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Since it's only been a week, unless she ways she wants to come home and put a marital agreement in place, try to take what she says with a grain of salt. I find it hard to believe that she knows this person is Mr. Right so soon. She has not taken any time to work on herself, heal and figure out what went wrong in her marriage. This means she'll have the same problems and tendencies to find what she needs outside of that relationship too.<p>Just know that the WS is confused, even if they say they are not. That's what the fog is. The WS has their own reality. Accordningly, they will say hurtful things -But you can't take it as the gospel truth. T

Hey jrl:<p>I rarely post here now-adays, even though I used to spend more time here than I did with my kids. I've been lurking/posting for three years. Your situation touched me because you sound like me. I hope I can help.<p>Before I write anything, it's important for you to understand that you are in a state of grief. You need to go through the steps - denial (where you're at, in my view), anger/withdrawal, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. You can't really control the sequence, but your behaviors will have a strong effect on the duration of your grief.<p>Understanding that you're in denial, and likely anger is next, don't expect yourself to be particularly rational for a while. My first advice is to mostly stay away from your wife for as long as you need to regain some semblance of emotional stability and reason. It could be weeks or months. If you spend time with her now, you're pretty likely to blow it. Better to do nothing and stay away than to do the wrong things right now (acting angry/issuing ultimatums, appearing sad, weepy and desperate, and being a helpful, boundaryless doormat, are all the wrong things in my opinion). I like the advice you've been given to sit back and spend your time thinking and reading for a while. I'd also suggest hot tubs, workouts, bubble baths, movies, friends, anything that makes you feel good and particularly VALUED by others. The self-esteem gets clobbered by this kind of event for almost everyone. Stay around those that love you.<p>Now the hard part. I see you doing what I did and I don't think it's good. Your wife blamed you for the affair and you accepted the blame. I don't know if you truly believe you are RESPONSIBLE for her affair, but it's a bad strategy to take responsibility for anything more than your contribution to the deterioration of the marriage. And when I say bad, I only partially mean for the restoration of the marriage (where you've shown her that you find her behavior not only understandable, but acceptable). I think that when BS's do this, it's primarily a reflection of your failing to value yourself sufficiently within your marriage, or as an individual. You're devastated right now by what has happened, but if you don't expect and demand respectful behavior from your wife toward you and your marriage, you're likely to take bigger self-esteem hits with time. THAT'S THE BIG MISTAKE I OFTEN SEE HERE. The self-esteem low point should be at discovery of the affair. But when you disrespect yourself, your grieving becomes extended and your emotional recovery is elongated. I know because it's exactly what I did.<p>When Harley advocates Plan A initially, he DOES NOT mean you become a doormat. He does not mean anyone should accept or tolerate an affair. It DOES mean you should take a good, hard look at yourself and stop doing the destructive things you were doing (stop the lovebusters). No problem for you (or I), you fully believe everything your wife blamed on you and added a few of your own as well (btw, much of what the waywards spew on discovery is exaggerated or clearly wrong). The concept of Plan A, along with respecting yourself, can and should co-exist. You can fix your errant behaviors (the real ones, that is, not the full scope of silliness that's said) and still be clear that you do not tolerate the affair. You can become the person your wife says she wants, and you can do that without chasing after her, and without frustratingly trying to meet her emotional needs (which few waywards will allow you to meet while engaged in an affair). NOTHING saps your self-esteem faster than an overt attempt to win-back the wayward spouse and watch them still, consistently, choose the OP.<p>The worst part is, you get virtually NO CREDIT for good deeds done during an affair (the lovebank is closed). Sometimes the changes are noticed, but rarely are they acted upon. It's my opinion that it's not worth compromising your personal values for a wayward in an active affair. You pay a high cost in how you think of yourself.<p>Sadly, you cannot in any way control the duration or intensity of the affair. My ex-husband's is now into the fourth year(it feels good to write "ex" - finally divorced earlier this month). Plan A and Plan B are primarily "wait out the affair" strategies. Most likely, your wife is already too far gone to come back easily to the marriage. If she didn't stop upon discovery, it's likely to be a long time before she does. There is nothing you can do about it. I'm thinking it's a minimum of six months before you may get any indication of a willingness to "try", and it could be two years, or possibly never.<p>OK, I'm really not trying to be negative. There is plenty you can and should do. The trick is, that effort should all be aimed at YOU, not at your wife. Make yourself into the man you could be, do what you can to make yourself happy, rediscover what is unique and special about you, and learn once again to treasure yourself. Regarding interactions with your wife, at this stage I'm a little closer to Dobson in my thinking than Harley. I'd turn myself into the best me possible, but also tell her that I cannot tolerate an affair and would not provide her emotional, financial, or other support until she proves her commitment to her marriage and to you exclusively as her mate. It's also generally best to minimize asking about, speculating or investigating whatever she's doing as it recreates fresh pain at every new finding. Again, focus on yourself, not her.<p>The bottom line is that your wife may or may not come back. Whether she does is totally up to her. All you can do is be the best you can be. Since she didn't end it on discovery, it's likely to be a long time. You need a strategy that will allow you to recover your strength and self esteem, while giving the affair plenty of time to burn itself out.<p>I hope I'm not coming on too strong here. It's just my opinion that the majority of the betrayed in this situation are so focused on saving the marriage, that they forget that the most important thing is their personal recovery. Once you regain your self-esteem and come to accept that this isn't your fault, your thinking will become clearer and you'll make the choices that are healthy and right for you for the long term.<p>I wish you the best.

Distressed:
Thanks for your post. I've been relecting on it for a while. It really made me look at myself. I don't think I'm in denial anymore, I accept that this is real. I've never been an angry person, and I've been through some serious depression. I don't know about bargaining, If she comes back, it will have to be becasue she wants to, and is commited to making it work. I'm feeling much better about it, not happy, of course, but I think I'm at least close to acceptance. and I'm staying busy. At first I did blame myself for everything, but I know she is responsible for the A, and only she can decide to come back. I am working on myself, I've looked and found several flaws, and I am working on improving. Finacially, we are so intertwined that nothing short of divorce could sort it out. We both work, have one bank account, etc. Emotionally, I still haven't found that line between plan A, and giving her too much. As long as she is 'trying to decide' I have to give it my best. Since I have been distant, I have to be open now. Not just for her. I can see differences in daily life. I've been shut down, now I'm starting to live again. My self-esteem is pretty low right now, but I think I'm getting better. I know I need to work on me first, and I have been. But I don't want to push her away, either. I know she is really confused right now, and if I pull away, she will too.