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My abused WS seems to immediately vent her anger (when it infrequently occurs) on me by saying really horrible things to me that I am having difficulty getting out of my mind particularly when I am near her.

Examples of some of the things would be:
1) I only have sex with you to shut you up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
2) if you keep this up I'm gonna screw OM again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
3) when you have sex with me its like being raped again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
4) I've hated every minute of sex with you in our 11 years.

It seems like she deliberately tries to focus on the most destructive hurtful things she can. I really don't deserve to be talked to like that do I?

When she does speak she does see me as her future though and me with her. Trouble is I begin to see me without her when stuff like this comes up.

Can anyone suggest any coping strategies? Ben Richards

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: The Running Man ]</small>

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my H says things like this also, we are separated, and in process of divorce, he has said horrible things to me,
1) called me bi*** many times
2) i can't fulfill his fantasies, etc
3) we don't have sex often enough
4) we've been married 3 years, and i still haven't learned anything. etc.

you can imagine what this makes me feel like, he knows he is my first, i'm doing plan A, but no change, he still sure he wants OW, and that things wouldn't work with me, just holding in all my anger and praying that he comes out of the fog before divorce goes through.

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TRM,

My first H was verbally abusive and there were no affairs. I understand the whole WS fog thing, but I don't think you should put up with these comments. My current H (WS) tried to bully me with his words, but I found on a web site that I was only betraying myself by allowing it to go on. My H knew he could intimidate me and I'd back down if I confronted him on an issue. Finally, when the timing was right, I told my H that I thought what he did was borderline abusive and I wouldn't allow him to continue. He agreed that he's a dirty fighter and said he'd stop. That was about 1 1/2 years ago and it's only happened once since (about 6 months after our talk).

I would suggest you speak to your W about these comments. I would paste the link to the site, but I don't think it works anymore.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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"1) I only have sex with you to shut you up. [Frown]
2) if you keep this up I'm gonna screw OM again [Teary]
3) when you have sex with me its like being raped again [Teary] [Teary]
4) I've hated every minute of sex with you in our 11 years."

TRM you need to ask yourself why you are putting up with this disrespectful relationship which is making you miserable. If it is your fear of being alone or low esteem than get therapy. The kind of statements that your wife has made would have most men filing for divorce and moving on.

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Well I think I am putting up with them for a few reasons.

1) I do love her and am not ready to end yet.
2) She only speaks to me like this when she is very low and has possibly had alcohol.
3) Apparently it is a very common symptom of abuse. Her A just makes it all the more destructive to me.

If your Partner treats you this way what is the best method of dealing with it? Normally I try and gently talk it through rather than shout, but then I feel like I'm not being true to the hurt caused to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> or perhaps its just to volatile and I should walk out to calm us both down? anyone?

Ben Richards

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Dear Ben,

Could we trade WW ?, you would not be able to tell the different LOL !!!. Being in plan A doesn't mean you have to take the abusive behavior.

I walked away from my WW w/ not even a word in response or hung up the phone ... I used to get emotional and WW use it as me abusing her verbally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . My WW knew she had done terrible mistake, she is not happy with her life (even now w/ OM) and she blamed it on me.

If you are in plan A you could told her that you disagree with her asessment but "we are adult we could agree to disagree, now let talk about ....". Shift the focus to what business you need to talk to her, do nothing to retaliate and walk away if you can not take it.

Do not take it personally ... the aliens is talking ...

-RH-

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

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Hey, do I make noise when I talk??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Tell your wife that what she is doing is abusive and you will no longer put up with it. Let her know that when she makes those comments you will remove yourself from the situation by leaving the house or the room so she can cool off or by holding your hand up as her sign. These are your boundaries! State them, then keep them!

TRM, a person doesn't know your boundaries unless you tell them and you are allowing her to walk all over yours.

Check out this site by the authors of the boundaries books: http://cloudtownsend.com

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My abused WS seems to immediately vent her anger</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you explain this? Was your W abused growing up? Did you abuse her? Just need a clarification.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was your W abused growing up?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes her father abused her. We only found out last year, she is in counselling. It's a mess.

Last night we had another *abusive* session of all the things wrong with me. I tried to stop her but she wouldn't , kept saying "u wont let my anger out" well I tried not to LB back but it was impossible. It was a mess. Yesterday she was "done" with me, "cant do this anymore", "you should be over it its been 6 months I'm over it", "I dont have problems with you its the abuse but to you the A is more", etc etc.

Should I pay a lot of attention to these things as being the truth? I suggested that I was "done" to that we should divorce, she didn't want that, I kept repeating what she said "So WS you're saying you don't love me anymore and that you don't care for me anymore that you've switched off" she immediately replies "I didn't say that" thru the tears. Course at one point she replied "I want my Dad & Mom" but I had to say "I know but I can't get them for you" (they abused her real bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Help? Ben Richards

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You mentioned that she speaks this way when she is low and that alcohol may be a factor...is she an alcoholic?

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No she is not an alcoholic. She only drinks on occasion and rarely at that.

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I'm sorry for the abuse your W has endured, but I don't think this gives her a right to pass that abuse on to you. When she says you never let her vent her anger, could you suggest a better way for her to do it? You are not the target, you didn't inflict the pain on her! Does that make sense? My H was abused by his mother and at times I've had to remind him that I'm not his mother - I'm not his enemy!

You seem to be in a very touchy situation. Do you go to counseling with her? Can you discuss this with her counselor? How about you - are you in counseling?

God bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Ben,

Not until she filed, everything is talk. I don't know if you want to do this but if you could avoid to take it personally, you might have killed 2 birds at once by listening to her. IMVHO, she needs to let her anger out if you could hold your self and just say hmm or oh, now I know your feeling ... just to let her anger out, she is in a need right now and you are being the adult one. Remember Venus's vents are not for you to do anything ... Second, listen to her vent, she might feel that you never listen to her and she is 100% right. So make a lists of her greivence, don't easily discard them ... some of them are excuse/justification but some of them are the real thing ... she is telling you how to plan A'ng her. When she hit the right point, apologize to her what you have done and promise her yo will do anything within your power to change that. When she told you an outlandish one, you told her that let's leave it as agree to disagree and come back to discuss it later. Get as much as plan A list from her !!!!!.

Correct me if I am wrong, I do not beleive she told you sentences from your first post right away ... she did it since she is very frustrated. Ben, be compationate and learn how to listen. What you give her today will go very long way toward your M recovery.

Hang in there and vent in here ... -RH-

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TRM,

I think this is a great thread you started and I hope you are getting something out of it.

I agree with most of what RH is saying - I do agree you should let her vent and you should support her recovery and listen. 100% I agree with this.

But...

If you allow her to verbally abuse you then you are teaching her it's okay to treat you that way.

Please set some healthy boundaries with your W in regard to her venting her anger!

God bless!

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I found the web site I was referring to in an earlier post. www.myndtalk.org

Hope it helps!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>I agree with most of what RH is saying - I do agree you should let her vent and you should support her recovery and listen. 100% I agree with this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks all, I think too that this is key. In the following days she was very different towards me. I am trying to not jump in and attack or retaliate.

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It's a tough one though. I find myself going thru mood swings about talking to her.

Like when I wrote the last post above I thought "yes this is the ebst way", but today I'm all "jeez why do I put up with this crapshoot?"

It's something of a rollercoaster that I have to protect myself against. Yesterday I tried getting clarification on something she'd said hurtful to me. That simple question turned into an LB that took all day for her to get over! Ben

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Ben,

You might need a medication to help you out. I had paxil helping me out for a few months but I have to cut it out since I need to concentrate on my work and now I am out of it. I was in the cloud under paxil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-RH-

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RH, been on meds for awhile but they made me like a zombie and I got in trouble with my job <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so I had to come off them.

I have been OK off them though, I have felt better off than on! Ben.

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The Running Man,

How about hit and run ? ... I talk to my WW when she is nice and when she starts her attack, I am either telling her I get another call and will call later or play "low batery" and hung up if you an on your cell. Call her an hour or so later.

I guess you can't play with word to butt head with the fog ... what you could do is write down which one that cause a trigger to you and when she hit it you will be more aware & ready. You write down her unreasonable justification ... chances are she will repeat again and you will be ready w/ you plan A answer. For some reason while in the fog WS like to repeat sentences over and over again ... more like mantra.

-RH-

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I was much more confident in the last argument, I was also much more restrained. I feel much better about handling myself in these situations now that I will be ready if it blows up again.

More importantly perhaps I'm also learning how to listen better and not take everything so literally, or if I do I reask later to reaffirm. Then at least I know properly and can work on it.

Just wish she was working to the same goal as me, would make it so much easier. She just doesn't "get" that she needs to help recovery.

Ben.

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