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#464631 12/10/02 09:14 AM
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Ok I should start from the begining, The guy my Daughter is married to, never was an appealing type. He tried 2 times to pass 12th grade and then quit school his 3 try. We told her from the begining that he was not the type to be dating and when she went off to college she put the relationship on hold. He in turn called the house and told my wife that he would just have to kill her if he could not have her and said he was going down to the college to find her. I did what any parent should do and allerted the college and the state police. But he managed to get to her and intemidated her into not breaking off the relationship. We talked to our Daughter and told her we did not approve of this and other things he had done but like all children they must do things their way. They got married and have been so for 6 years. During the first years our Daughter help him answer the questions on a mail order GED exame so he could at least have a chance at a so so job.They now have a 5 yr old son and a 10 month old daughter. Ny wife and I have supported them in more was than most parents, with down payment on a new house and many other things, including food for the kids because they never seem to have any money. They got so far in money trouble that he figured if he joined the army they could make a new start. So he joined the Army and after going through the hardest part of training he went on to the job training part and once he found out that with his low test scores he was not going to do what he wanted. This and the fact he didn't have any one to control or to bow down to him he abrutly quit the Army on a unable to addapt to military life discarge. This guy has been abusive to our Daughter and grandson in front of all of us several times in the past.

Last week I was woke to the phone ringing and it was our Daughter saying that her husband had not come home and she had read 3 hrs worth of messages he had sent to another woman that just happened to be her best friend about how he did not love her and other details of how they had had sex. So as a father I drove to the house and their was his truck, I rang the door bell at 5:30 am and the girls mother cam e to the door and then he stepped out from behind her. I stood there on the porch and ask him if he had anything he wanted to say. After he said no I told him to get what he needed from the house and never go back. He told me not to threaten him and that I did not know all the details. I had all the details I needed knowing that he was there and not at home where he belonged. The very same morning this guy went back home and proceded to talk his way back into our Daughter's bed. As to date we are faced with a Daughter who cannot understand why we do not like her husband and will not accept him.

Where is a caring parent to turn when you are loosing your own Daughter and Grandchildren to a person like this?

#464632 12/10/02 09:39 AM
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there's really only two places to turn for you at moment, to god and to each other. your daughter will have to figure out for herself if she's worth more than a guy like this. until then, i'd suggest no money at all for any reason! as long as you make it easy for her to stay with him, she'll convince herself that all he needs it love. i'd be interested to see how long this winner sticks around when supporting the family is all on his shoulder! i know it's hard to know that your grandchildren may have to suffer for awhile, but in the long run i believe it's their only hope! their mother has to relize what she's doing to them, does she want her children to think this is what a man should be? as long as it's easy for him to stay (with you helping out) he will! chances are when your money is gone, so will he! you might also want to consider limiting your contact with her, only deal with grandchildren. don't enable her by always being there to stroke her hand when she refuses to listen. as harsh as it seems, a taste of reality may be what she needs to help her see what her life will be like with this guy sooner as opposed to later! good luck paul, and blessed be

#464633 12/10/02 10:20 AM
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Paul,

Read as much as you can about MB and get your daugther to post too. It will help her. As for you, I know your love for your daugther is deep but in the past you have been "enableing" this relationship ... it is time to "help". I agree with Krista to let them live the real life, no more financial support but only to your grandson & granddaughter. Your D is as much in the fog as him. Stop bailing them out or they will never learn. It is time for her to grow up. About your SIL, you could get RO if you see physical abuse, it is hard to get RO for verbal abuse (you could LB all you want to SIL). Get local help on AA, they know codependecy very well. It is for you and your family.

The most important thing right now is not in-law bashing infront of your D and your grandkids, they need you now for support. Keep telling your D that you love her and will be there for her but not financially. Any money you want to give it to them, give it to college fund for your grandkids instead.

Good luck -rh-

#464634 12/12/02 03:11 AM
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Hi Paul,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry your family is dealing with this situation. Your daughter sounds like she needs some major counseling. Is there an abusive women's group in your area? She needs to know that abuse should not be tolerated.

You can get phone couseling with STeve or Jennifer here at MB. Also, I will try to get ahold of another parent who posts here at MB. Her user name is Estes49. Her daughter-in-law is the one who stepped out on her M and Estes posts in behalf of her son and grandson.

You and your W are to be commended for the efforts you have made in behalf of your daughter. Unfortunately, it does not appear to be appreciated. So get some help for you and your W also. Learn what is enabling vs real help. Your daughter is in denial and her H is taking advantage of that.

This puts you and your W in a very difficult position. Some of the best help maybe on to help but watch. Let her know you love her but can not participate in prolonging the abuse but bailing her out. She needs to secure herself financially and leave him or he needs to get help and work with you and her.

JMHO,
L.

#464635 12/12/02 08:27 AM
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Your son in law sounds dangerous. Your daughter sounds like she calls and tells you all this upsetting stuff, but is either too scared or not prepared to act on it.

I believe that as a parent, you are going to be concerned, how could you not, but there is really nothing you can do until your daughter is ready to act. I am afraid of what this character might do if she ever puts her foot down.

I will be praying for her and her safety.

#464636 12/13/02 10:52 PM
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Paul, this man sounds very dangerous. Can you record some of his conversations ever? phone, mini recorder when you talk to him? Get it on tape! And I agree with no more money bail outs. Did you get your name on the house you put the down on? For you daughter and grands? Nevermind, in Divorce, she'd get it anyway. Now, the only person who can stand up to him is her getting a restraining order. Alert local police of his threats in past to kill her. Also, if you can get proof enough, this is an unstable home for the grandchildren. Take them away if you can. Either your daughter wakes up in counseling, or the whole family could be harmed. Show her love, tell her she's welcome to come home with the grandchildren, but you'll not support him and her anymore with bailing out by giving money.
Can you afford to put a PI On this guy? If so, do it. Perhaps with more evidence and proof, you can get your daughter to wake up from the fog! And lots of prayers! God bless, LouLou

#464637 12/14/02 01:18 AM
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Hello Paul,

It looks like you found MB like I did, trying to find some way to make sense out of what my child was going through. It hurts to see them hurt, doesn't it?

Although my DIL became involved in an affair, the A was really a symptom of deeper problems, rather than the main problem, in their relationship. I'm afraid that your daughter has serious problems with this man.

You have received some very good advice already. I think your D is in real danger. Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE her do anything. She has to decide for herself. However, you can remain open to her if she decides to leave her husband. You can offer her a safe haven.

You can't really do anything to change him either. He seems very dangerous, very unstable. I think there is a real risk of him doing something to hurt your D, the kids, or even you if he gets really angry.

As suggested, you could get with the police to find out about restraining orders, safe houses for your D and grandchildren. Get his actions on record with the police. Then pass this information on to your D.

I feel so badly about your D's situation, and those poor kids. At this point the infidelity is not your D's most serious problem. She needs to be safely away from this man.

Is there any chance that she would leave him? Do you have family in another city or state where they could go stay? Your D really needs to disappear for awhile to avoid his anger and retaliation if she leaves him .

I can imagine your fear and concern for your D and grandchildren. It drives you crazy when when there is really nothing you can do to make the problem go away. Eventually, SHE must make a decision. Until then, you help by being there for her and learning what can be done to protect yourself from this unstable man.

Please get back to us with an update. If your D wants to come here to "talk," people will be here.

Take care,
Estes

<small>[ December 14, 2002, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>


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