Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
The title pretty much says it all. Some of you have been helping me out already, and some may not know a thing about me. But basically, my wife's affair started long distance and is still long distance, except for the weekend she spent with OM in Vegas last month. That was the event which, when I made it clear I would not tolerate that relationship and would not stop wanting to know what she was doing, caused her to decide to pack up and move out the day after Thanksgiving, 4 weeks ago today.

She's coming over tomorrow at noon pacific (17 hours 30-some minutes from now) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , and I am pretty much positive that there won't be anything good to come of it. I'm sure that there will be no willingness to move in the right direction and no willingness to even consider ending her affair. Thus, I'm sure that I'll be needing a good Plan B letter, even though I'm not convinced that I've done a better than mediocre Plan A, because if I don't do this, I'll just file for divorce.

I'll be looking around for some rough drafts, but because we've been apart for 4 weeks, and have had VERY limited contact since then anyway, there won't be much change in everday life. I just need to make sure that I say what I mean and mean what I say.

Conditions I've thought of so far:
</font>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">End the affair</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Write and send NC letter (certified mail with return receipt) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /></font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give up all internet activities except MB indefinitely, for both of us. That means games and message boards and chat rooms and IM programs and voice chat and all of it. So she'd use the computer for nothing unless she wanted to browse here, and I'd use mine just to take care of bills plus post here, period.</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go to MC with me.</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go to IC for herself.</font></li>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I don't even know if you'd include such things in a Plan B letter, because I haven't looked in several days, and have read so many things since then that my mind is flooded. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So help me out if you would, please...and thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
My understanding is that a plan B letter should tell her that you are sorry for your part in how things got this way, that you wish to save the marriage, but to protect you love for her, you will have NC with her until she ends her affair. Then tell her that if she decides that she would like to save marriage, and has ended affair, you will discuss a plan for recovery.

The no internet, MC, IC, etc., comes after she has decided to work on M. Good luck and I hope things go well.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
Thanks believer.

Edit: removed unnecessary babbling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 549
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 549
Hi UN,

I have nothing to say about a Plan B letter (although believer made excellent suggestions!) but I had a couple of suggestions for you on your other thread....hope they help...good luck!!!

awed

P.S. When emotions well up...take big breaths in and out, 10 x before saying anything. Leave if you need to rather than say ANYTHING. Saying nothing, doing nothing, is a much better choice to make.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
Hiya awed!

Thanks again. Just knowing I have you great folks to turn to when I can't seem to think straight makes a big difference. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
So here's a draft, that I may not even give her today, pieced together from a few great examples, and my own thoughts and feelings...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear W,

I want you to know, and I believe that you do, I love you with all of my heart. Almost from the moment we met all those years ago, when you came up to me asked me to dance, you have been a part of me, even when we were apart. When I got down on one knee, and professed my love and devotion to each of your children, so that they would become our children, I meant that forever and always. When I married you, I married you for life, and I still want to stay married to you for life.

I realize now many of the mistakes I have made that created an unhappy life for you. I never intentionally wanted to hurt you or make you unhappy, and I am truly sorry that I did. I regret what I have said and done that has helped bring us to this point, and I am taking steps to correct those things in my life.

The affair you are having with OM has broken my heart, and is too painful for me to bear anymore. It is destroying the love and the respect that I have for you, and this is something I desperately do not want to happen. As long as you are having an affair with OM, or you have any contact with him, I cannot see or speak with you. When the affair and contact ends, I would love to discuss reconciliation and the rebuilding of our marriage with you.

Until that time, I ask that you not contact me for anything. All issues regarding finances or the children can go through <don't know yet>, who will act as an intermediary.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage, to create a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy, so that there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, and I want you as my best friend as well. I loved you when we married, and I still love you, right up until this day. But until you are willing to end your relationship with OM, and take the necessary steps to rebuild our marriage, I cannot be a part of your life.

Love,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I always was good at taking others' material and twisitng it just enough to make it my own. But hey, I'm desperate and in a hurry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uncomfortably Numb:
<strong> As long as you are having an affair with OM, or you have any contact with him, I cannot see or speak with you. When the affair and contact ends, I would love to discuss reconciliation and the rebuilding of our marriage with you.

Until that time, I ask that you not contact me for anything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">UN, I think it is very good that you left it at "contact me when you have ended contact" instead of going into too much detail there.

Overall I really like the letter, but I might scale back on expressions of love [in the body of the letter] and add in some BRIEF housekeeping details about settling your finances and visitation issues. If you put in a short paragraph about that, you prevent future contact about those issues.

I think that your comment about being willing to discuss reconciliation when contact has ended leaves the door open for your ideas about counseling, no contact letter, etc so you don't need to go into detail about those. A good letter, IMO.

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,251
UN, I like it. I know you're working out all the financial details right now, and I'd suggest putting something about how you'll continue to work with her (through the intermediary) to do that.

I also really want you to find a way to have regular contact with the kids. If you mean it, and they're really our kids now, then it's important that you make that true. NOT to your wife, but to the kids themselves.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
I have read about plan b, how can you ask your husband to end all contact with ow when they have a child together?

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
I have read about plan b, how can you ask your husband to end all contact with ow when they have a child together?
He doesn’t have to have too much contact with the ow if there is a child involved.
But you need to decide if you can handle your h having contact with the oc before you go to Plan B.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
I was just curious, it doesn't apply to my husband since he lives with the ow. Any suggestions about that???????

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 04:31 AM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
how can you ask your husband to end all contact with ow when they have a child together?
You say, I will not have any cointa twith you until you end your affair with ow. You then give him a Plan B letter (which you have written and posted here for review BEFOREhand).

it doesn't apply to my husband since he lives with the ow.
? What doesn't "apply" to your husband?

Any suggestions about that???????
Yeah. Read "Surviving An Affair" and to to Plan B.
Read the links below.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 71
what I meant that doesn't apply to my husband is -He has contact with the ow because he lives there. I don't know what his plans are as far as how long he will be there.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
If he's living there and has a child with her...

Plan B would just be your statement to him that you cannot be a part of his life as long as his Affair with the OW continues. I really have no idea how it could change with the tangles of custody and support of a child, but I'd think one might try to treat the OW much like an XW.

In my opinion, it's kind of hard to expect no contact forever, because that may be unfair to the child involved, and the health and happiness of the child is of utmost importance.

I don't know what to suggest. But as for Plan B, it's for YOU to separate yourself from any further hurtful behaviors of your WH. Negotiating a return and recovery with your WH in this case is a whole different can of worms that I won't even pretend to have any good ideas about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Numb,

AWESOME Plan B letter. You can add one sentence about how when the affair ends, you want to talk about your future together. That is the time (when the affair is over) that you state your conditions for reconciliation. I would make sure and specify a time frame for counseling...like six months to a year.

Cheryls,

It DOES apply to you and your husband. Until the affair ends, and he is no longer living with the OW....it is too painful for you. As far as the child is concerned....that is something you can negotiate....but contact with the OW should be non-negotiable.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
U
UN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 293
Letter sent...and now to move forward with this portion of my life.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5