Most of ya'll know my story. Here's a short summary. I promise there will be no whining, that is one of my resolutions.<P>H had an extended affair (+/- 1 year off then on again) with a woman at his work). He ended it himself sometime in the Spring of 1998 (there were some lies told in this area, so I'm not sure, but have not pursued it). He was still having contact with her at work and still felt something for her, but had not been intimate with her since that date.<P>During the early summer of 1998, April through July, our marriage really started getting bad, probably because of his withdrawal. I became convinced he was having an affair during this time. In July of 98. I asked him if he had been unfaithful to me and he confessed. <P>He immediately went to her the next time he was at work and told her that it was over, that I knew and he wanted to save our marriage.<P>We instinctively started trying to fix things, and a dear friend of both of us recommended His Needs Her Needs (he was one of only 2 couples we told). We read the book together and my H cooperated fully.<P>He still did a lot of lying, but slowly more things came out in the open. Emotions and remorse are still big issues, but not necessarily limited to this affair, but our marriage in general.<P>We have been in recovery for about 18 months. There were some real problems early on and some very aggrivating interferences from OW, but that has eased off as she has lost interest and gone on to more fertile pastures. She has initiated conversations with him a couple of times that I know of and feel he has told me about them all. The last time he thought she was trying he avoided it.<P>We still have a lot of marriage issues and of course I am still very hurt and bitter.<P>It seems our ups are higher, but our lows are lower, yet we are spending longer time periods in the middle.<P>My Question is, what has to happen before we can consider ourselves successful in our recovery? Am I simply afraid to admit what has already happened?

My own personal opinion of recovery would be:<P>Both of you are 100% committed to the marriage.<P>Sustained emotional pain no longer a factor in day to day life.<P>Although you know there is no guarantees, you do not feel threatened by the affair or have a high degree of anxiety that infidelity will be repeated.<P>You want to meet each others needs, but neither is walking on eggshells.<P>You work to resolve conflict and are comfortable with your level of communication.<P>You have a sense of "us" that does not feel one-sided most of the time.<P>You may not feel good about the affair, but you feel good about what you have accomplished and built.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

According to Harley, ultimately success is when you're very much in-love with each other.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> We still have a lot of marriage issues and of course I am still very<BR> hurt and bitter.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm afraid if you have to ask, you may still have a bit to go. Are you still very hurt and bitter? Then he may not be doing the right things to fill your love bank. According to Jenn Harley, the hurt and anger will take care of themselves if both partners focus on meeting needs/ eliminating lovebusters. Have you read any of the other books? Recovering from an Affair was very helpful.<P>I am only two months since discovery. He lived a secret life for the better part of the last year and a half. But I believe he is being totally honest now, and I am no longer angry or bitter. The hurt is still there, and I am very attracted to him, but not passionately in-love.

I am very emotional by nature. I'm a dreamer and romantic. Enneagram Personality Type 4.<P>I feel very strongly about everything I feel anything about. Does that make sense.<P>I have always had emotional extremes, very happy or very not happy. Small things become big things. Big things never want to go away.<P>The pain scares me and I find myself turning it into anger because I can handle that better. Disappointment is causing me pain that I turn to anger, that sort of thing.<P>It makes me sad and makes me feel guilty that the only thing holding us back is me. He has not accused me of this, except when he is mad and we are in the middle of one of our big guilt matches. .<P>He is more than willing to renew our vows, the whole bit. He has even warned me against deciding too quickly or making a rash decision during one of my "happy" periods.<P>I sometimes wonder if I just have a character flaw that is preventing me to be forgiving, or atleast preventing me from dealing with this in a rational manner.<P>Anti-depressants keep me from crying all the time and have allowed me to feel hurt and not be so eager to turn it into anger, but the pain is still there.<P>I want to be done and over this, but something is holding me back. I sometimes feel I know what it is and then it slips away and something else takes its place.<P>I've posted many of these ideas on here and many people have told me I am asking for the impossible. Maybe if I could fully understand and believe that I would be better.

Try going through the Forgiveness Workbook steps and see if anything strikes a cord.<P>You seem to believe you are incapable of controlling your emotions. To a certain extent we are, but I do think we can make some choices or can learn some disipline in managing ourselves.<P>I'm emotional too, but I think I have trained myself to look at those emotions rationally and reconfigure them sometimes.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

In every successfull marriage there are highs and lows. The difference now is that you are seeing things differently. Try focusing on the good times. Bad is going to happen, it's how you react to the bad that sets the pace. As far as I can see, you both have made it. You went through hell and are still together, in love, happy, sad, glad, and mad. As I see it, you are a normal couple now. Welcome to the real world!<P>------------------<BR>Lots of love,<BR>Viki<P><BR>

FHL~<BR>I can't believe it! I mean I was seriously questioning myself and my stages because of the extreme emotional feelings I've had lately yet I go down the list you give and it makes perfect sense. We all have good and bad days, don't we? Isn't it important to acknowledge that more and more of my days are great. I do feel we are on the right track, I do feel we are both 100% committed to making this marriage work, sometimes he is even more committed than I am used to because the committment is even bigger than I have ever received from him.<BR>I just want to say thank you, we need to realize that life isn't all bad and you tell this clearly, at least to me! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

FHL<P>I am going to reiterate what you are trying to tell me to see if I have it right.<P>Are you saying that things aren't worse than they were before, I am just more prone to panic over them or my reaction to them has been altered.<P>Before when he said something hatefull it hurt my feelings, now it makes me feel completely unloved, worthless and that the end of our marriage surely must be lurking at the door.<P>We have hurt each other here and there throughout our marriage, but now I dwell on the "mega-hurt" as a culmination of 15 years of being human.<P>Before when I got down I accepted as just that, getting down, now I have this same "mega-event" to blame it on and justify it.<P>Mountains out of molehills? Is it just my way of justifying myself?<P>I know I'm very thick headed, Of course it is my extreme intelligence that is getting in the way "NOT"<BR>

Recovery! Ah yes, the ultimate Nirvana! <P>I thought we had reached it 1 year ago and then August came and I ran away and licked my wounds.<P>The 14th of Dec arrived and it was a 3 year mark of discovery! Wow! What a landmark!<BR>Yes, it was a landmark for I had finally gotten my head out of my --- and gotten my focus on what was important.<P>Recovery is so individual and it is based on so many things that a couple experiences. <P>We can't compare one situation to another. We can find solace but we can't find healing. Healing is as individual as the people on this forum.<P>Essybo, you do sound like things are going well. But you are human and need to allow yourself the room for setbacks. I didn't think in Aug that my H and I would make it and now I truly feel we are really on the road to recovery.<P>When my focus is on God instead of myself the progress is phenomenal!<P>Hangeth thou in there! Love, Taj/Cathy<BR>

Every day that you and your spouse know that you still have something to give each other you have a success story. <BR>Some days you will have more to give than others. <BR>My husband has had more than one encounter.(one was with my sister) I was extremely hurt and bitter for what seemed like a lifetime. Then one day I realized how tired I was of hurting so much and trying to make him just as miserable as I was. I quit questioning, quit checking up, quit everything. Life is too short !! He is still with you. Still wanting to work things out with you. No one is perfect. 18 months of recovery? Find a way to let the hurt go and enjoy your marriage. I don't mean to sound rough, but LIFE IS REALLY TOO SHORT!!!

Do you still think he must be a bad person to do what he did? (as you said in your profile). I have not edited mine since I wrote it, so maybe you don't think that anymore. I think that this is key, that his mistake does not define who he is.<P>He made a big mistake, and if he is meeting your needs now, you do have to let go of it. Deal with the person he is now. Are you following the four rules: spending lots of time? being honest? meeting needs? avoiding lbs?

I still find myself questioning his character. I spoke about this in another post. As I mentioned before, I would love for him to tell me that if our marriage had been what it was supposed to be that he wouldn't have done what he did. He hasn't told me this he has consistantly said it was curiosity and sex. This is hard for me to swallow because I had him on such a high pedestal. I have lost so much respect for him.<P>The grass is always greener. If he had fallen in love with another woman and told me it was because of me that would be equally hard I guess.<P>The loss of respect is hard. I do make myself realize that he handled this situation so well and I should feel lucky that he was devoted to recovery immediately upon me finding out and that he ended the affair on his own. That also says something about his character.

I also had mine on a pedestal. That is not good for you and especially not for him. In fact, the second affair (he had two before I found out anything) he felt he could tell her what a louse he was. He was keeping it all inside after the first one ended. It puts incredible pressure on him to be put on a pedestal.<P>I too have been trying to figure out why, but this helps only a bit anyway. First it was me, then he admitted he wanted to see if he had what it took - yes, sex and the conquest. He went looking for it, and there was a lot of sex and they developed a strong attachment. But he ended it, unlike so many on MB and like your h.<P>As I've said in other posts, we are all weak. Maybe I would never have an EMA, but I am guilty of other things. So yours had no sexual history before you and mine had one a mile long, it seems it came back to bite him in his midlife crisis. Jenn Harley has taught me I have to get in the habit of distracting myself every time I start to have negative thoughts. You can't dwell on the past. You want a great marriage with him, it sounds like you're on the way, so you have to force yourself to look forwards, not backwards. It's hard, but it gets easier.