Is anyone dealing with sexual aversion or have a spouse with this problem? If your unclear of what it's concerning read MB Q&A on How to Overcome Sexual Aversion. I read this and could see more clearly what was happening in my marriage before my H tha affair. This is no excuse of course but I find understanding what went wrong every important for me to heal. It didn't get as bad as no sex-no less than 3 times a month but to my H it was years! The preasure was horrible,I felt guilty for saying no and used if I send yes. This repeated it's self and my H found someone who was willing and never said no. This hurts! I remember going to a councellor and asking if I was normal. She was uselee and asked me to see my doctor for a blood test. It was'nt physical. The search for help stopped. I remember H saying he kept a record how often we had sex at work and argue over how many times. then things went about there way. It wasn't untill this time last year I realized that our marriage was not going well. The sex issue turned around for us in spring when I wanted sex and he didn't. He was , at this time set on leaving me for OW. Well to make a longer story, short- since the affair ended and we began to work on things the bedroom stuff is doing better. I was lucky the adversion was deeper. If anyone has anything to share, please do. Hope this post may clear some issues or questions. Take Care, BECCA

We're there now... H wants sex all the time, I get chills when he touches me. Sex has dwindled to once every 2 to 6 months! I haven't seen How to Overcome Sexual Aversion on this site. Is it on the site or in a book? If it's on the site please post the address here for me. Thanks.

Becca,<P>I do, I do! Yep. Only, for me, being the betrayer, there is a different set of pressures I have to deal with (ie - "you were perfectly willing to give it up to another man so quick.") Now, it takes a lot of coaxing and preparation for me to get in the mood. I still don't know why. I can guarantee you it's not because I still long for the OM or for anyone else. I just don't want to have sex right now!<P>To make matters worse, I'm two months pregnant. Most women, I have heard turn into sex machines at this time. This is my first time and I can tell you, I am so nauseated, tired and moody, I even hate the WORD sex. <P>My H is a wonderful lover - the best ever - he knows exactly what I need and is very willing to please me. But I end up feeling pressured so much. It's especially tough when we wake up in the AM and he wants to, I don't - the whole damn day can get shot this way (Like today, ahh yes.) I am extraordinalrily aggrivated and frustrated.<P>I feel like I just want to be left alone and not guilt-tripped or bothered or pressured for at least a month. I'll come around on my own!<P>DO you ever feel this way too? What the heck can we do?<P>Khyra

Now for the part of my story I was dreading telling anyone...<BR>I have 3 sons ages 10, 7, and 2 1/2. When my youngest was born, I kinda felt overwhelmed. My H worked out of town 5 days a week, and when he came home, he would attack me, basically. I didn't feel like having sex hardly at all, but I did it anyway occasionally. He could sense that I didn't actually want it. We had alot of arguments about it. I felt like he only wanted me for sex instead of love. I honestly think I've been going thru a depression for almost 3 years. <BR>My husband is a great lover and I couldn't understand why I didn't want him. Instead of being understanding, he got angry. Eventually he found someone else. He's been gone since Dec. 23rd and now i'm in the position of trying to Plan A when my heart is broken. <BR>He says he doesn't love this woman, that it's just someone to have fun with. It really bothers me that being with his wife and kids could have been fun if he had just put a little effort into it. <BR>So basically, I failed to meet his sexual need and for now I have lost. But don't count me out yet...

keosha, yes it is on the site under the Q&A section. I'm not an expert but just realized that there is a title for what I felt. The artical gave me a clear understanding that the constant pressure caused me to dislike the activity which it was asociated with i.e. if it were football where I felt this preesure I might then dislike the game instead of the behavior.<BR>Khyra,Totally understand your feeling of "blowing the day away". The tention is so great that it occupies your mind for most of the day and puts up a wall between you and your spouse. Read the section on the aversion and see if it helps-- get your H to read it too! As for the pregnancy, I didn't feel all that sexy until 5 months! I'm flat chested and it was my first chance to have big boobs!LOL! It was interesting to hear you were the betrayer because I was betrayed and felt this may have been a pattren with why the spouse had an affair. Tell me what you think of the artical guys! Take Care<BR>BECCA

That article explains it well. <P>Now that I have an idea why I cringe, what's the next step? <P>Do I print the article and me & H read it together? <P>Do I keep my mouth shut and try to overcome the aversion on my own by doing the excercises? <P>If I succeed on my own, what's to keep us from repeating the pattern and the aversion coming back? <P>I keep reading that it's not good to try to educate H at this time. <P>When is the right time? <P>How can he provide my basic needs if he doesn't know what they are? <P>This is all very confusing... <P>But... I'm still trying to Plan A I'm not very good at it yet. LBs everywhere!!!<P>Keo<P>

That article explains it well. <P>Now that I have an idea why I cringe, what's the next step? <P>Do I print the article and me & H read it together? <P>Do I keep my mouth shut and try to overcome the aversion on my own by doing the excercises? <P>If I succeed on my own, what's to keep us from repeating the pattern and the aversion coming back? <P>I keep reading that it's not good to try to educate H at this time. <P>When is the right time? <P>How can he provide my basic needs if he doesn't know what they are? <P>This is all very confusing... <P>But... I'm still trying to Plan A I'm not very good at it yet. LBs everywhere!!!<P>Keo<P>

Keosha, I just had the artical printed out and high lighted the parts that explain the aversion and that reflected my feelings, with notes too. This should not be an excuse for the betrayer but may help understand a piece of the puzzle of why the relationship was so rocky. H now can see how demanding he was and recognizies my behavior in the artical. I guess for me, because of the affair H knew not to expect sex or ANY affection from me when I found out. This put the control in my lap. It was my call and he didn't dare push me for anything. H was fearful of me leaving him about a day after he choose to stay and work on the marraige. <P>Mitzi, I did feel pressure to be better than her in bed. I would never perform a certain act in bed and I found out she did willingly "saying she would do anything for him"! So H has accepted that it will not be part of our bedroom life - -maybe ever? This robbed me of myself esteem and confidence. How can a person be so cruel and reduce a history,love,family to if they are getting it enough? It is very painful to say you didn't satisfy your spouse. But as I said before you are suppose to work on a relationship not work on some one else!<BR>** nCan't help much in the plan A stuff. I shared my pain and yelled ,hit and threw snide remarks at my H. Mostly because noone in his family or mine did! The situation was different , H wanted us to stay together and I felt he needed to see the greif he cause or I would be swallowing up my pride(which was almost gone) and loss myself which would end any hope in recovery of the marriage. Just my experience. Take Care, BECCA

Sex used to be wonderful before I found out about my H's affair. Or so I thought. Now I can't seem to get the thought of my H and OW together out of my head. it's ruining out sex life. This is becoming a major problem. I'm getting resentful that I'm the one who always has to change to keep the marriage in tact. He's the one who cheated. He's the one who made me feel this way. Does this feeling ever go away? I'd be very interested in reading anything on sexual adversion. Has reading it ever helped anyone on here change?<BR>Thanks,<BR>Lisa

hello,<BR>I can hear your frustration with how to deal with the situation. I printed out the artical and high-lighted the parts that would explain the aversion and which parts that effected me. You see, when H desided to stay with me that idea of any physical contact was left up to me. There was no pressure- I was in control! So, that scary feeling seems to hve subsided. Times where I worry it may come back but I can the H my fears and reflect on the therapy. I still get anxiety attacts when the thought of them being together enters my mind. OW did things I wouldn't do making that whole area of sex off limits for now (maybe for ever). But I know how you feel concrening the thought of not being able to meet H needs. I do think that it can't be used as an excuss to justify the affair. Work on what you can and try and share your feeling withH. With the mess we are dealing with there is no good time. what helps you heal will increase your chances to move through the pain and maybe help the marriage. Tell me what you decide to do. Take Care,BECCA

I too never thought I would be sitting here telling this side of my story. My sexual aversion is due to the fact that I have Endometirosis and Andenomyosis(another form of Endo). Sex is EXTREMELY painful for me. I usually wind up crying myself to sleep or in the bathroom vomiting because of this condition. <P>This condition has been a part of my life since I was 11 years old. This is nothing new for me and it should be nothing new to my H after 18+ years of marriage. Our sex lfe has never been normal(whatever normal is). We have gone as long as six months without sex because of this. In fact we didn't have sex after we were married for at least a month due to this( I use to kid about still being a virgin after I was married). My H is the "wham, bamb thank you madam" kinda guy. Nothing romantic about him. Being he works a lot(80+ or -hours a week) hes always to tired to be romantic and just wants a quicky. The last time I tired to have a quicky with him he hurt me (due to this condition) and I swore I would never do that again. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep after the fact, I'm tired of all the pain that I am in. So for me sex is out and has been for a year and a half now. <P>Knowing my problems with all this my H accused me a year ago of having an physical affair. Now my aversion has taken on a new meaning. I don't know if I'll ever get over the fact that he accused me and I know this condition will never go away. <P>The only way I might have a chance is to have a hysterectomy(which I have heard that it doesn't help with the sex part of the pain). The recuperation time is 6-8 weeks(1 week Hospital and at least 3-4 off my feet completely, then 2 more of slow going) and with my H being a workaholic that doesn't leave me any time to have this surgery. If I do there will be no one here for the girls(14 & 12) to drive them and do for them. <P>Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal female!<P>Thanks for listening.

<BR>If you take physical conditions such as endometriosis out of the equation, I believe that sex is THE barometer of a relationship. Stated differently, if the marriage is banging on all cylinders, then the H and W spend a lot of time "banging" in the bedroom. <P>I've read a lot of relationship books, but the best I've ever seen (and I can't recommend it enough) is David Schnarch's _Passionate Marriage_. If you're suffering differences in desire, this is the book for you, I think.<P>Bystander