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#56587 05/25/01 12:05 AM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 341
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We have been married for 8 years. I have a daughter and my H has a daughter from his first marriage. Both girls were 8 years old when we married. This is my H's third marriage and my first. <P>My daughter desperately wanted to have a Daddy in her life who would love her for her. Her Biological father never wanted her because he wanted a SON. We were engaged to be married when I got pregnant and when I realized how cold this man was, you see he wanted to find out the sex of the child and if it was a girl have her aborted, not to mention his violent temper that showed through when I refused to agree to his demand. <P>So when I met present H, my daughters real father gave up his parental rights, without a fight of course, and H adopted her legally. However, through the years my H has not bonded with my daughter at all. His own daughter came first. Even to the point of putting me second to his daughters needs. She lives with her mother in another state.<P>I tried everything to get through to my H that my daughter needed to know she was loved by him. The only time he gave her any attention was to critizise and get on to her. He never praises her for comments on anything good about her. She is totally ignored by him except when she says something he doesn't like or does something wrong. We have tried counseling in the past and at present are all in counseling. However, my H refuses to see the damage done and insists my daughter is just trying to get her way. She is now 17 and truly feels H does not love her. This has caused her to have great bitterness toward him.<P>I find myself feeling so helpless and quilty for the pain my daughter has suffered. Seeing H give love and affection to his daughter who can do no wrong even when she does and my daughter who watched on the side not getting and attention from him in a positive way. It also causes me to feel a lack of respect for my H. The only time he is a loving father is when his daughter is with us. And when she isn't, he is self absorbed into his own activities, T.V., Books, and Porn. And he always makes plans for me and him to do what he wants, but never includes my daughter.<BR>Especially now because she is older and does NOT want anything to do with him. <P>Deep down I do feel she wants to be loved by H, but is convinced that he doesn't Love her. All these hurt feelings she has come out in anger. It's her way of protecting herself from feeling more hurt. This only creates a more explosive atmoshphere and I am in the middle of this war. I accepted his daughter unconditionally when we married and she has a lot of respect for me and we have a very loving relationship. She and my daughter have had their conflicts but developed a very close bond. You would think my H would appreciate all this and show my daughter she is loved. But for some reason he has been unable to do this and now I am at a cross roads of deciding do I stay in this marriage and continue to watch my daughter be hurt or get us both out of this and make a happier home life with just me and D.<P>I had hoped and prayed for years that H would understand and give my daughter the love she craved so desperately from a father. And it hurts me deep down to know I have had to beg for this from him. If he truly loved me, he would love my dauther, wouldn't he? She use to be so sweet and outgoing, now she has little confidence in herself, no self esteem, she is bitter and angry most of the time and very negative, just like he is. She has become HIM. And I tried to tell him years ago this would happen if he didn't listen to what I was telling him. But I can't allow this to keep going on. Sure she is you normal 17 year old expressing independence and I want her to do this, but much of the problem here is she feels unloved, and in the way because the father figure she needed and needs now show no interest in her. And I know she has resentment toward me for allowing this to happen. <P>I don't want my marriage to end, but I honestly don't see how it can go on anymore with H not willing to see the damage that has been done and to help to change this conflict for a more positive outcome. Counseling so far has not helped him to understand this. But my daughter needs to continue to help her deal with the anger and bitterness she has inside. She is good kid, No drugs, alcohol or staying out all hours of the night. We have been extrememly lucky with her. But does he appreciate that, NO.

#56588 05/25/01 12:19 AM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 341
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I just needed to vent all this. I didn't sleep at all last night and the tension in this house is enormous!<BR>To anyone who reads my post, Thanks for your time. As I said, I just needed to get this out and hopefully anyone<BR>going through this kind of thing, Please stop and think how very important it is to open up your heart and not be afraid to love. There is more than enough to go around and no one will be cheated. I guess, my H feels if he shows my daughter love his daughter will feel he doesn't love her.<BR>Not true. It is OKay to love both and to show them that love. But my H made the mistake once of telling his own daughter that he could never love my daughter like he loves her. I didn't know it at the time, but my daughter overheard this. This set the stage for my daughters insecurities about H. Now it has turned into hatred. <p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited May 24, 2001).]

#56589 06/07/01 04:43 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 39
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I was in this boat!<BR>My suggestion- tell hubby that this issue is a 10 (on a scale of 1-10) in terms of importance to you, and NEEDS HIS IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. He probably won't ever love your daughter like his own (and maybe vice-versa), but he can love her in some other way. <BR>Good luck!<p>[This message has been edited by jw3 (edited June 07, 2001).]


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