Question:
My husband is in the Army. He is frequently sent on TDY assignments in which he is attending training school or career development anywhere from 4-6 mo. We are rarely allowed to go with him or it is impossible to withdraw kids from school and make the expenses of that move on our own. The Army puts it's officers in hotel like rooms where most of the time the room next door has a young woman in it. In addition, in an effort to foster socializing among the single soldiers, the units often require them to attend parties with open bars, and being married isn't an excuse for you not to attend. At these parties there is heavy drinking, lots of young women, and they all tend to hang out together in groups. I can ask my husband not to speak with these woman, but in general this is a stretch for maintaining the lack of socialization with other women plan that MB requires. What do you do in this situation? After months apart that adds up to a lot of temptation.

I'm so glad this thread is going. MIF, For me...I wouldnt put myself around male friends without my significant other there with me. I would want him there. If he chose not to be then I would ixnay the whole meeting of friends. I always try to put the shoe on the other foot to see how my own actions would make me feel in the opposite situation. I dont think I would be comfortable if he were to meet only female coworkers for a drink after work..if it were a mixed group and I was invited, but didnt feel up for it or couldnt make it..no biggie. Its when your partner stops inviting you to join that sends red flags. It boils down to choices. I am fully aware that I am accountable for all choices and actions. I dont want my man to feel insecure. That is why I have been totally open and honest when any male friend has ever called...I have nothing to hide. But he also has to get a check on whether his insecurities are with reason, or just part of who he is in general. Some people are just plain possessive...I havent figured if he is possessive, has fear of abandonment/trust issues, or is just basically insecure. For a man to say to me "I know men and they just want to get in your pants, waiting for a weak moment blah blah" that tells me that is what he about. I dont think all men want to get into a womans pants even as friends. Perhaps Im just naive..or just blessed to have cultivated some pretty awesome male friendships over many years.
ping,
ruby

M4Ever

If H called me to tell me he was going to a bar after work, and named several women that I knew he worked with, my response would be...have fun. If he went without telling me, then I would be pissed. Its the same ole same ole with me....tell me and be open and honest, and I won't have a problem. Sneak behind my back and I tend to get ugly. Now if I couldn't go because I had to watch the kids, thats ok, I'll just go out another night with my friends. I'm not gonna get myself upset over stuff that doesn't matter to me.
I think the trick is to balance your life individually and as a couple in order to acheive true happiness.

I truly believe that sometimes in marriage, a couple loses their individuality. I think this makes the marriage suffer. How many times have you had someone introduce you to their wife...only to say..This is my wife. Hello...does the wife have a name? Well then lets use it. And guess what? I'm isitmeorhim first(a woman)wife 2nd, and mom 3rd. Is it selfish? Maybe, but its more selfish of my family to not see me as myself first.

Now part of going out with the guys for a drink after work, and doing things with friends, I think helps to keep the individuality going.

JMHO

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: isitmeorhim ]</small>

ruby, I'm not sureif you are siding with me or attacking me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ruby:
<strong> I'm so glad this thread is going. MIF, For me...I wouldnt put myself around male friends without my significant other there with me. I would want him there. If he chose not to be then I would ixnay the whole meeting of friends. I always try to put the shoe on the other foot to see how my own actions would make me feel in the opposite situation. I dont think I would be comfortable if he were to meet only female coworkers for a drink after work..if it were a mixed group and I was invited, but didnt feel up for it or couldnt make it..no biggie.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

I agree with the above 100%

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Its when your partner stops inviting you to join that sends red flags. It boils down to choices. I am fully aware that I am accountable for all choices and actions. I dont want my man to feel insecure. That is why I have been totally open and honest when any male friend has ever called...I have nothing to hide. But he also has to get a check on whether his insecurities are with reason, or just part of who he is in general. Some people are just plain possessive...I havent figured if he is possessive, has fear of abandonment/trust issues, or is just basically insecure. For a man to say to me "I know men and they just want to get in your pants, waiting for a weak moment blah blah" that tells me that is what he about.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

So, now I know how you feel about me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> All I was saying above was that my female friends from the past (I don't really have any now, there are a few woman I work with but I consider them more of work aquaintences, not friends) I always wondered "what if..." I mean I never acted upon those thoughts/feelings and never will, but the thoughts were there. I feel I have strong moral convictions that would prevent me from ever cheating. I believe, contrary to my username, that marriage IS forever and would never do anything to jeopardize that.

This conversation has come up with my male friends and the conclusion is that guys can not be friends with woman and not want to sleep with them. This does not mean they will act on those feelings, only that they are there somewhere floating around in that brain of theirs.

Now, I can't vouch for guys I don't know. So if my W goes out with "the guys" after work I wonder about them. I don't know if they have the moral values to respect marriage or commitment and just be friends or if they are thinking, "MIF's W is a great person, she's attractive, fun to be with etc. etc. etc, I wouldn't mind getting with her".


armywife, I feel for you. I know that must be difficult for you to go through. (I'm sure my postings don't help either).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Originally posted by ejs65:
My response would be this: Infidelity occurs on a gradient and the line where a friendship transitions into an inapproriate relationship is blurry at best. It is a slippery slope in that those involved don't recongnize it until it is too late. I don't trust that my wife, that I, or that anyone is reliable enough to recognize it until it is too late. I firmly believe that it is simply not worth the risk. Does anyone's spouse "need" these friendships? If the answer is yes, the marriage is at high risk of failure (in my opinion). If the answer is no, then out of mutual respect for the spouse they should be avoided. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

I think that is what I have been trying to say all along. Spouses may go out with friends of the opposite sex and at first things are totally innocent. As they continue this behavior, and things are not going as good at home as they could, the spouse at home is withdrawling love units while the friend is depositing love units. The spouse slowly starts to look at this "friend" in a different light. Meanwhile, the "friend" starts to do the same. The male half, IMO, has had thoughts of *** cross his mind and now that their relationship is getting closer to that blurry line of infidelity. Both parties may have meant nothing more than hanging out with friends at the start of this thing, but over time that has changed.

MIF?

Ive always held the belief that once you get married, or even before hand that friends of the opposite sex were unecessary. now after one EA and a PA that my wife had with friends of the opposite sex am i proven right? Ive read alot of posts here and does anyone who's Spouse feels anxious , nervous ,jealous about their friend ships with memebers of the opposite sex, care about their spouses feelings? doesnt the one you pledged your life too feelings count for something?
sadly my wife has another guy friend at work and despite my feelings on the matter she continues to talk to him(this just after she confessed to an physical affair with a male coworker 2 years ago) says if she ever feels like that again she would tell me. thats funny, since she would be "in love" with him why would my feelings suddenly at that point become important over hers being in love with him???

I just hope the spouses who have close friends who are the memeber of the opposite sex dont say the same "Ill never have an affair", dont find that "WOW I cant believe I had an AFFAIR".

EVERY RELATIONSHIP OUTSIDE YOUR MARRIAGE TAKES AWAY FROM THE PERSONAL TIME YOU SPEND TALKING/BEING WITH YOUR SPOUSE, THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT IT TAKES BETWEEN DAILY TASKS TO SUSTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE , as I found to my lifetime regret and my wifes.

Heres to making better choices in the future
all the best to you all
cliff

P.S. oh and her friend was a married male so she felt it was a safe friend ship.

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

MIF, no indeed I wasnt making a dig fella. Not at all. Just putting my thoughts of what is going on in my life on the screen. I agree with what cliff is saying as well...however, when does the insecurity become a problem? My friends are people that I dont see..maybe once a year or a phone call a coupel times a year. I dont want to lose contact with those people...regardless of the frequecy I see them. We've been in touch because the friendship is valued period. but all in all it is about choices and making your partner warm and fuzzy. But to what point...I've seen people in my life with incredibly jealous spouses...lash out, when no inappropriate behaviour was exuded...which to me stems from an individual deep rooted insecurities.
r

Very true, I understand your point on that Ruby, but... if your spouse is insecure what did the other spouse do to make them so? just a thought....

I think that some people are more insecure than others in relationships. perhaps that stems from one's past. Unfaithful partners stepping out on them or whatever the situation may be. For me, I have exhibited no inappropriate behaviors, so when my SO becomes threatend by a friend who is a quadroplegic in a wheelchair....thats his problem not mine. On a good note, he did apologize for his being rather jealous. He was actually embarrassed. I also have a very outgoing personality, he knew before our getting totally serious that it takes a very secure man to be with me. Not for any other reason than I meet no strangers and can talk with anyone and the fact that I have some really good friends from high school/college that I occasionally here from.
r

so when my SO becomes threatend by a friend who is a quadroplegic in a wheelchair....thats his problem not mine.
Uh, no that is both of your problems as it WILL affect your relationship. And if you have no concern for your SO's feelings, then why are you in a relationship?

What does being in a wheel chair have to do with anything?

he knew before our getting totally serious that it takes a very secure man to be with me.
So you don't really care what his feelings are on anything?
You will do whatever you want, whether he agrees or not?

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Ruby, its in your actions that you continue his insecurity.... first make him FEEL secure..... before personal friendships.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

Chris, I dont think you actually read all my post. Perhaps you should go back and reread this thread.

Cliff...I place tremendous value on my relationship. I put my partner first on all accounts as does he for me. We do agree that we place different values on friendships. I have a handful, he has those that are only work acquaintences. Our personalities are quite the opposite. He keeps me grounded and I pull him out of his shell. ITs a good balance.

Hey i can understand that, im very outgoing and can fit in with any crowd, talk with anybody. while my wife is uncomfortable with people she doesnt know and doesnt talk much if at a party of people shes not familiar with.

But just a point on what you posted, you said youve done nothing to make him feel insecure, in the same breath saying he feels insecure about you having male friends...... seems like your making him feel insecure by your action with your friends, wether in other sates or in wheelchairs. distance is nothing, my wife had an EA with a guy in N. carolina while she is in lousiana. she all was packed and ready to go till he got cold feet.


now hey i understand about old friends from school days, I have mine as well but just dont talk to them much at all, maybe just a call about christmas that kind of thing. after i got married time got away from me, had all my energy into my marriage (too bad she didnt) and i felt comfortable in just kinda slipping away from old friends.... wether they were female or male.

now ill be honest and say that i do not contact any old female friends cause my wife had a problem with me doing so, so i stopped talking with them....... whatever works for you RUBY, not dumping on you or anything just expressing opinion...
cliff


* May you never feel the fire of the ultimate betrayal, or the numb feeling of where your heart used to be*

Perhaps a thread on the topic of insecurity would be in order <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Cliff, I dont have the power to make someone feel insecure. OUr actions can affect someones level of security for sure. But would you agree that there are people who no matter what you do, just have low self esteem, fear of abandonment, deep rooted insecurities..whatever the case may be? Im not speaking of my relationship..Im just merely attempting a discussion on insecurities in general. Lets go into perception for a moment, our perception is our reality. Could some people have a distorted perception? I think so. Look at people who have distorted body images...those who suffer from eating disorders and the like. What about abusive relationships...a controlling m/f who wont let the other out of his/her sight, due to his perception of the other straying, when the other person's action hasnt warranted any such behavior. Control issues? Would you agree that there are people who have a suspecious and a non trusting nature in general? JUst some thoughts in general.

Being married for the second time I would truly advise you to talk to your husband. If this woman is only a friend then you should be able to meet her and know her as well. You usually can tell from body language between the both of them if this would be an uncomfortable situation with you there. I've told my husband that any Male friends I have I am willing to introduce him to and I have. I know that I love my husband and any male friends that call me or I meet for lunch or dinner is strictly a friend. My husband is always welcome to come...Just like if my male friends have girlfriends..I will ask my friend to bring his girl. I feel that this makes all parties comfortable and also a little less stressed about the situation. Hope everything works out for you. Q

Hi all,

It has been really interesting to read these viewpoints. My wife approx. 2 yrs ago met a man after taking sailing lessons, and started spending every weekend with him out at the lake --- not necessarily overnight, but most of the day. I was initially resentful mainly because we have 2 small kids and I didn't like her default behavior to be absent on weekends. Later I stumbled upon an email from him where he was very flirty with her. She bought a sailboat soon after and has been sailing with him for the last 1.5 yrs. I love sailing, but she never invites me out with her (or them). She also told me not to call her while she's out there so it wouldn't feel like I was 'checking up on her'. I have basically never met this man or the others she hangs out with out there, as I am not welcome to participate in any races or attend any club events or parties. She says she needs time to herself, although I can't help noticing that she is never actually by herself. She's traveled with him on a number of sailing trips and races, including a chartered cruise around a bay in FL last year. I've made my feelings plain, but she refuses to stop seeing him, and I'm not really sure what to do. I told her that I really need a separation now, as I'm really turning into an angry person. That is not who I used to be. Anyway, thanks in advance for your thoughts and time.

I'm totally opposed to men and women friends dining or playing together. I think you are playing with fire, it is very easy to become emotionally involved with a friend and that can easily lead to more. Furthermore, I think that type of relationship takes away from a marriage. My husband is my best friend and it is he that I want to wine and dine and share my feelings and emotions with. I have no need to share those things with another man. Besides I would not like it if my husband shared his thoughts and interest with other ladies as well. I guess you can say, I'm speaking from experience just how easy this situation can catch you off guard and before you know it, your sunk in quicksand.

RUBY, I guess all i need to make my point is point too LASER's post up above mine a couple, what are the chances that his wife isnt in an affair with this guy? Id say slim to none, It probably didnt start out that way but in the process of learning a new past time Laser's wife grew atracted too another man and now his marriage is in serious trouble, all because of a male friend ......... always nice when someone brings up something to help me to prove a point....


LASER I really dont know what too say my friend, im sure everyone feels for your situation..... How did you let her go on cruises with this guy?
you shouldve stopped it right there, and this "dont call" cause ill think your checking up on me???? makes you wonder why youd NEED to check up on her.....

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

My husband of 7 yrs has had a 21 y.o coworker text messaging him over the past 3 months over 2000 times- he say they are just friends- this is my second marriage- my ex cheated on me with my friend-my husband insists that nothing is going on- yet he is very distant and quiet- the more I press about this relationship- the more insistant that he is that they are friends- I know I am pushing the envelope about it- but when I met him I was up front and honest about everything-he told me that he knew I would automatically think there was something going on- no matter what he said-he has said to me that he has the problem- not me- that he is unsure of where he needs to be in his life- married or not, he is unhappy with himself and has even told me he is unsure if he is in love with me never mind the fact that he hates himself for feeling this way- I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me- he only askes me to just let it go-what can I do? I mean he knows all my male friends, but coworkers, even men don't text message me at all hours of the day and night-Am I stupid? Should I just back off- I love this man-

Ruby - I strongly encourage you to heed the advice of these well-meaning people. I particularly agree with Truly Blessed. She offers wise counsel from a woman's perspective. It is NOT "insecurity" to have clear boundaries as to how one would limit contact with the opposite sex. It is NOT "controlling" for a spouse to express their disagreement with their loved one's contact with a member of the opposite sex. Ruby, most of this revolves around plain old common sense and respect for your spouse.

Hey, I agree with not putting yourself in situations that just set the stage for infidelity. Cliff, I didnt respond to one of your post about old friends. I think that there is a "natural selection" as far as friends when we go from being single to being involved. For me there is... Like you, I dont have any desire to go out with my girfriends to a bar. I'll go have dinner...but if my chicky friends are living a single lifestyle, i would rather not put myself in that setting in general. I prefer to meet new couples who share same interest. Bonus if half of the couple has been a long time friend...whether male or female. Hurting Promise Keeper...I realize that sometimes its hard to hear what a poster is attempting to write...you seemingly have interpreted my post in a way that wasnt intended sir. I "get it" as far was what it means to be in a committed relationship, I get what it means to place your partners need first. I "get" what is appropriate and what is not. Believe me, My first and only marriage of 6 years ended due to ExH's infidelity and living a double lifestyle. He made stupid choices and disrespected me in everyway imaginable. I've been on that lonely highway...a road that I would never subject my partner to.
kind regards to all,
r