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Joined: Apr 2004
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My husband and I are 33. We have 3 children, ages 13 (previous relationship), 3 and 20 months. My husband works 50+ hours a week and I am a stay at home mom. My husband wants sex much more than I do. He would like it every night. I would prefer once a week. Not only am I tired at the end of the day, but I am just not as sexual as he is. Holding hands and cuddling is enough for me. My first question is how do we over come this? Is there a middle ground? I have never been one for having sex just because he wants to, when I am not in the mood.
Also, many times (once a month or so) if I say no, he will tell me he can't sleep and he goes to "watch tv". I have found that this means he has pulled out his adult movie and is using that to masturbate. This upsets me a lot. I have told him this and he says "I am a man, that is normal". Many months ago he would order pay-per-view and every month when I paid the bill I would comment about it in a negative way. Last November the movies were no longer showing up on the bill. Two months ago my 3 year old happened to pull out a pornographic DVD from his briefcase. Not only did this bother me that he had kept it form me, but also that he was still doing this. Is it really normal? How do we come to a middle ground?

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Hello,

You seem interested in finding a middle ground. Does that mean that you would be willing to satisfy his sexual needs occasionally when you would rather not? My understanding is that sometimes women can be more enthusiastic about sex when they are not pressured for it. What if you initiated sex once or twice a week (even if you don't really feel like it)? Have you told your husband that you'd be willing to make love maybe 3 times/week if he doesn't pressure you for it the remaining days? I know for me it is very reassuring and comforting when my wife wants me, and I actually want sex less often and relish it when the opportunity comes. Having said that, it seems that every night is somewhat excessive, and the pornography must absolutely stop. He also must not hide anything from you. I might be a little worried about a sexual addiction.

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i agree with almost everything the last poster said except i don't believe your h has a sexual addiction unless it is sexually addicted to you.

he has let you know that he enjoys sex every night. me to although when i try that with my w i end up just desiring some good old fashioned cuddling after about 3 -4 nights. so i would suggest that you try be intimate a couple of more nights a week and see what happens. sex once a month is awfully hard for someone who desires it everyday to swallow.

also it is true that men like to feel desired sexualy by their mates. this is a big isue in our household as my w finds it hard to initiate sex. she is of the mindset that men are supposed to be the aggressors. the problem is that that attitude doesn't fullfill one of my top needs.

i also don't think your h is addicted to porn or sex. i thinkthat the only times he uses this method of relief is when you say no. correct? that tells me thathe is just frustrated and uses it to relieve his pent up tensions.

mho is that the reason he is hiding it is not so much to try and sneak it past you as it is an attempt to avoid conflict with you over the issue. you stated that you have given him some verbal lashings about his use of his movies and dvds.

(wanted to add) some men (myself included) use sex (right or wrong) as a way of expressing our love for our w's. for me the mear fact of being that close physically with my w makes me feel ten times closer to her emotionally. when we are being intimate it makes me feel as if we are one person and i can swear that i feel my heart touching hers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

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dscott,

I don't think porn use is a healthy way to express sexuality....but at the same time....I'm always struck by spouses who don't want to provide sexual fulfillment and still insist on no porn. I know the dangers of porn, so I don't recommend it....but the dangers of ignoring your spouses sexual needs are alot more dangerous to your marriage than occasional porn use. Exactly what do you expect him to do when he has no outlet for his needs? I'm tired too sometimes, but I'd rather come up with something....than risk my H looking elsewhere.

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I would agree with pops. I don't think your H has an adiction to porn. Men are visual creatures and if he would like sex on a nightly basis but gets it once a week it has to be frustrating for him. (my situation - is I would be happy with 3 times a week but have had to settle for once a month for the past 8 years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I sometimes woner why I haven't found someone else.) Besides he could be out looking for someone else to fulfill his need for SF, but at least he is staying home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never been one for having sex just because he wants to, when I am not in the mood.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is selfish of you. I don't know what your needs are, but would say that SF is one of his top needs. How would you feel if one of your tops needs was not being met because he didn't feel like it?

I think there is a middle ground, but that would require you to change and have sex when you didn't want to. Do you enjoy it once the ball gets rolling?

Anyway, if you haven't already you should read this

MIF?

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

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I have a similar situation to yours. I love sex. My husband & I have sex maybe 4 times a week, more if we are not at work. But every while I find tons of porn on his computer and this distresses me greatly. I have never ever not wanted to have sex with him. I often initiate sex so I just dont get it. Until recently this porn always meant a huge row and promises from him that it wont happen again. I wanted to understand it but he is totally closed up about it and even denies that it is his. so now rather than argue with a man I love in every way I have decided to ignore it if I find it and I have to say this has been really liberating for me. Would you try to ignore it and maybe offer a bit more sexually yourself. Making time for you and your husband is so vital. what about getting a sitter and going away together or just sending the kids off so you two can stay in bed for a day, trust me, that works wonders. Good luck. This is not a reason to let your husband stray. He obviously wants you and many women yearn for that alone.

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Tibalt,
Your situation sounds VERY different than dscott's. Sure, there are some similarities, but the big difference is that you are not rejecting your H, he gets sex whenever he wants it with you, and he still has a need/desire to look at porn in secret. Depending on a handfull of factors, it is very possible that your H does have an addiction and I recommend you do some research into porn/sex addictions rather than ignore the potential problem...he may need help. One thing I'm really starting to understand is that ignorance is not bliss when it comes to marriage.

The one big thing that is similar in your two situations is that your marriages lack honesty. You may not have honesty and openness as your number one emotional need, but I do not understand how you can work on anything in your marriage if the absolute truth is not a part of the problem solving.

I highly discourage either of you from just ignoring the problem. That is conflict avoidance and a big danger zone in marriage. I think you both should look at the porn use as a symptom of a bigger problem and address it as such.
Tibalt, if you are willing to live with the porn use and it really doesn't bother you, cool. My guy uses porn on occasion and that does not bother me (I look at it, too, sometimes). But, if it does bother you, this issue will come back to haunt you two whether due to the dishonesty, resentment, or both.

Take care,
Smile

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I want to thank all of you for taking the time to post. I have thought a lot about what has been said, and some good points have been made.

I do have sex with him, many times when I don't want (I guess I said that wrong before). But, on the nights I am just too tired, the begging/pleading/groping etc annoys me and turns me off even more.

As for initiating... I never get a chance too! LOL And, if I did, I am very closed in that area. I don't know how else to say that. I was brought up where sex wasn't discussed, etc... so, it is something that is just difficult for me. There have been times when I do initiate it, and you are right - he does like that - it makes him feel more wanted. But, as I said, most of the time, I don't get a chance to.

The porn bothers me because I am 100% against it. I don't like it, I don't think it is right, and it disgusts me.

Ahhhh, getting away... alone time... what a wonderful thing.. that we have NONE of. We have no relatives in the area and every babysitter I have tried either is not capable or is never available. We have had some bad experiences. At least once a year I try to talk him into going away for a weekend (it means taking the kids, but it is a different atmosphere - no housework, etc). It makes me feel a ton better, and I am more open to sex. But, our budget is tight and and my husband is an accountant (this makes him even more watchful of our money). This year we have yet to get away.

Also, I have tried other things as well... the books - 101 Nights of Romance, 101 Nights of Great Sex, 101 Great Quickies, etc. Most of these I have been unwilling to try. However, there are quite a few that I am comfortable with. BUT - he won't use them. I even went and opened them all and put them in an envelope for him and me (his and hers)... I have told him everything I put in there is open for trial. He has not once opened that envelope - he says it feels too staged.

The only time we have alone is from 830-10pm every night. With the ages of our kids, there is no private time during day/evening hours for us to sneak away.

We have been married for 4 1/2 years and we are very close. This is the only area (well, other than in-laws) that is not 100% right between us. We have a very strong marriage, which I am very greatful for. I love my husband very very much and want to do what I can to make this relationship even more wonderful than it already is...

PS - anyone got any good ideas on how I can open up about sex and try new things and be comfortable with it? That is a very hard thing for me to do, but if it would help spice things up and keep both of us happy, it would be worth a try.

Thanks again for all your posts. I really appreciate the comments.

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check out The-Clitoris.com
(it's a female sexuality site...not a porn site...you might suggest your H take a look at it too)

and sexmattersforwomen.com

maybe it will get a little easier for you if you can relate better to why you find it so difficult.

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dscott5377: I share the other posting about sexual addiction. There are many good books that address this issue. I would get familiar with them. You spouse sounds selfserving with his sexual fullfillment. He needs to know that if he is releasing his urge in any way that is offensive to you...he is not taking your needs into account. Sex and intimacy are two different things to men and women. Ask him to help with the kids so you are not so exhausted. He may be more helpful when he can see you have desire. He will have to go with how you were raised with sex. If it makes you uncomfortable then he needs to be more empathic and tender. Some men have to grown up before they get this...good luck.Peace

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Dscott5377: I wanted to add: Men who watch alot of porn can try to imitidate the actors with their lingo. I know that the porn is very offensive to you(me too). I would talk with you hubby about how he asks you to have sex. Since you have some youngins...you have had sex in the past. If you did not have this situation before you had the kids and first married, then he will need to be more patient. His first duty is to get you there not vice versa. He needs to focus on you. Then you might wanna focus on him. He sounds like he is a wee bit selfish in his desire for sex and release. Sex is easy with all the obstacles removed. Try reading "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents" it is excellent. Try one thing that your hubby likes and ask for him to do the same for you. Peace


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