Before we got married we had all of the necessay discussions. And when having children was brought up, he said that it wasn't important to him but if it was important to me, he would. He also said this to our friends before we got married. Yesterday he told me he's made an appointment for a consultation for a V. This is a surprise in one way but then again it's not. I'm positive that I don't want children now or in the near future. I'm too young and I go to school and work. I think I am mostly upset because I think he knew this the whole time and told me otherwise. I think he was afraid that I wouldn't marry him. I feel deceived.
I got married for life. I love him enough to make that sacrifice right now. I don't know what the future holds as far as my feelings go so I'm torn.
This may sound mean but the way I see it today, if in 5 years, I decide to have a baby, I can move on. I'll still be young enough to start over. I really love this man and I'm afraid that if I just call it quits over something that I don't even know if I want. I feel more deceived than anything else. I'm overwhelmed with feelings right now but I'd like some opinions. Thanks for listening.

Cold hearted, you? I disagree. Rational. Clear headed.

If he deceived you about wanting to have children, doesn't that invalidate your vows? Not legally, but emotionally and morally. Sounds like he married you under false pretenses.

Are you sure you will want to have children in the future? You say not right now. If you truly want that in your life, remember women have a biological clock that ticks away while men can father a child any time.

Having a baby should be done in the context of a committed relationship. How do you know that, when you decide you DO want to have a baby, there will be a man good enough to marry and father your child? Gotta kiss a lot of toads, etc. You can't just order a husband on the internet and get him in 5-7 business days.

I understand your feelings of betrayal and hurt and disappointment. I just don't understand why you don't walk away now. That is, unless you can truly predict that you will NEVER want to have children.

And in that case you and your husband can concentrate solely on each other and your relationship and your careers and hobbies, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. It can be really romantic.

On the other hand, if you still think you are going to want babies, and if your husband is going to permanently go for sterilization, you could be looking a a future life of resentment and bitterness. Not a very good prospect.

Thanks for responding. It's the day after he brought up the idea. We fought pretty bad last night. I was ready to walk out last night just because of the bs rolling out of his mouth. He doesn't feel that he deceived me. WTF? I've talked with some family and I've decided to wait and see how things go. I'm disappointed only because I love this man enough to have a family with him. It's not like I'm looking for a family. Like I said before, I'm more disappointed that he mislead me than the fact that he doesn't want to have a child with me.

Perhaps a sperm bank? Make a couple deposits, and then you have both ends covered.

Perhaps not the best solution, but a solution.

Your H can have his V reversed...it is not the end of the world...trust me. Also, there are times when the vessels reattached within the first 6 months of the V. I have some friends with 'V babies'...those that were conceived even after the father was snipped.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kalenie:
<strong> Thanks for responding. It's the day after he brought up the idea. We fought pretty bad last night. I was ready to walk out last night just because of the bs rolling out of his mouth. He doesn't feel that he deceived me. WTF? I've talked with some family and I've decided to wait and see how things go. I'm disappointed only because I love this man enough to have a family with him. It's not like I'm looking for a family. Like I said before, I'm more disappointed that he mislead me than the fact that he doesn't want to have a child with me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Whoops, learning about the reply options here...sorry, I just quoted with nothing there.

I'm kinda in the other boat. W had agreed to having two children (I had two already) and I was ready to stop at 2, but agreed since I loved her, that we would have 2 more. Then she changed her mind...and we fought over a V for over a year, after which I decided the best option would be total abstinence in Feb of last year...too late, a pregnancy was already in progress and a baby born Sept 4. Now we have three...overwhelm is the key word here, and betrayal (though I don't think that it was planned) is how I feel because we did not agree on the third child, in fact words I used were that I was "admantly opposed" to any more children...I'm older, wanted to get on with our life, enjoy the kids we had (and the two other grown ones I have from a previous marriage). Now it's kinda nightmarish, no intimacy for over a year, and the V issue still unresolved (though at this point the youngest will be 18 when I'm 66!). It was time to quit before, I feel it's time to quit now, and we are both in a sort of Mexican standoff...we are both extremely unhappy, resentful of each other, and have three kids under 4.

If I've learned anything about this it is that if either one doesn't want a child then the other should respect that...or, maybe determine if it's better to resent based on more, or less children, and what the consequences of a breakup are if the children aren't created because one person's will to have a baby overrode the other's that didn't...which is better? I'd say (of course from a very one-sided point of view) that if there IS a dispute between H and W that whichever one wants less should win...the result of losing "the battle" is resentment may exist anyway...but a little human being hasn't become a pawn in that battle if the rule is whoever doesn't want more "wins"...just my thoughts.

Are you sure he *really* misled you? People change, things change, are you sure he really sat there and said "it's OK if you want kids", all the while *deliberately* hiding the fact that he was going to get a vasectomy?

I guess it seems highly unlikely that any person will decide something before they get married, and stick with every single thing they said, w/o wavering one iota.

Heck, in my case, my wife and I had the necessary discussions, and we *both* agreed that we absolutely did not want kids.

16 years later, 2 of 'em, wanting more. People change.

You know your H better than I do, but I'm not absolutely convinced that he lied or misled you. Seems more like just a change of heart. Maybe he saw some little brat in a store, and decided he couldn't go there... I don' tknow.

Just an update...With a cute ending:)
So my husband's appt for a V consultation was scheduled for the day after my b-day. After the big fight we had about it, not another word was said. So the big day rolls around and I totally forgot about it. I had no plans of going with him and I was positive that he was going to go. So he comes up to me and says before he leaves, "Well I'm gonna go and see if I can get cut". I was mad-again. I didn't say anything and he left. Later that night we're eating dinner and he starts to tell me about his hair dresser. It hit me all of the sudden. He wasn't going to the V appt. He was going to get his hair cut and he didn't have an appt. Then I noticed his hair was nicely trimmed. I about died. It was hilarious and I felt like a total jerk. We haven't talked about it but he never went to the consultation and I feel 100% percent better.

K

Even us men go through changes in our life. Maybe he will have the urge to have children someday.

RHM

Hi there, first time in this forum group, long long long time ago I was a regular on the pregnancy/child (infidelity). I am now remarried.

Here is the thing, I disagree with the "things change, people change" thing. There are some major issues you should address before marriage and more kids (or kids at all) is one of those things. I do think it is a betrayal to all of a sudden change your mind on this issue. Whether or not it was a planned deception (which is worse, cause then you married a liar) or just a "change of heart" it still hurts and it is unfair. It isnt whether you get the brown or black couch or which car you pick, or even whether you get a dog or not. We are talking about a child, a legacy, a blessing. If you dont want one now then do some temporary birth control, the pills, the shot, whatever. I think it is something you can definatly work through, but it may be difficult. My point is this, I understand why you are upset and I think you have the right to be, does it mean the end of your marriage, of course not. It has gotten wayyyyyyyy outta control if it does.

Just my 2 cents,

bw

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: broken_wings ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jimicole:
<strong> Whoops, learning about the reply options here...sorry, I just quoted with nothing there.

I'm kinda in the other boat. W had agreed to having two children (I had two already) and I was ready to stop at 2, but agreed since I loved her, that we would have 2 more. Then she changed her mind...and we fought over a V for over a year, after which I decided the best option would be total abstinence in Feb of last year...too late, a pregnancy was already in progress and a baby born Sept 4. Now we have three...overwhelm is the key word here, and betrayal (though I don't think that it was planned) is how I feel because we did not agree on the third child, in fact words I used were that I was "admantly opposed" to any more children...I'm older, wanted to get on with our life, enjoy the kids we had (and the two other grown ones I have from a previous marriage). Now it's kinda nightmarish, no intimacy for over a year, and the V issue still unresolved (though at this point the youngest will be 18 when I'm 66!). It was time to quit before, I feel it's time to quit now, and we are both in a sort of Mexican standoff...we are both extremely unhappy, resentful of each other, and have three kids under 4.

If I've learned anything about this it is that if either one doesn't want a child then the other should respect that...or, maybe determine if it's better to resent based on more, or less children, and what the consequences of a breakup are if the children aren't created because one person's will to have a baby overrode the other's that didn't...which is better? I'd say (of course from a very one-sided point of view) that if there IS a dispute between H and W that whichever one wants less should win...the result of losing "the battle" is resentment may exist anyway...but a little human being hasn't become a pawn in that battle if the rule is whoever doesn't want more "wins"...just my thoughts. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry for the repost of Jim Coles post. Just a thought, Jim Cole, from what I read about Marriage Builders, both should be enthusiasic about major life events such as the conception of a child, on the other hand, I believe you know how childern are concieved. You and your wife need to put the childs welfare above the reasons it came to be. I cannot imagine it does not sense resentment and being a pawn.

To Husband changed his mind about children: From reading your post, you both agreeded to leave having children as an open option, then he decides to have a V or sickly act like he is going to get one? Haha so funny he got a hair cut instead, what a funny play on words. Sounds like you both have alot of growing up to do. Makes me wonder what he will joke about next?