My wife and I recently seperated after just over 11 years of marriage. Through most of that time we both were very happy with the relationship... or so it seemed. Over the last year however there has been an extraordinary amount of stress added to our lives including changing careers, death of a loved one, moving overseas and my going back to school for incredibly long hours whilst she was left to find her own way alone. Things had definately deteriorated as we neglected each other's needs. I made many many mistakes... not just over this past year but over the course of our entire marriage... as did she. We just never even considered the possibility that a relationship actually required work. Whenever things were not going quite right we tried harder but didn't recognize that we were trying harder in the wrong ways. At the begining of this year she finally just came out and said that she didn't love me anymore. That led to a virtual seperation in the same house and eventually to a total seperation. Throughout this entire process I have been reading through and trying to apply the concepts in every relationship book in sight. Still, I recently found out that she has had a brief affair whilst we were seperated in the same house... although she has yet to admit any of this to me. I know we have many problems to work out but the frustrating part is that, although she seems to genuinely care about me, she continues to say that she is not sure whether she is even interested in working on the marriage. Instead she is putting all her efforts into rebuilding her own life apart from me. There are elements of over-control my part and self-confidence issues on her part that led to a bad dynamic of "controlling" by me (certainly not as excessive as anything described in your Q&A section... but real to her nonetheless... and thus important to me). I've been trying to build up love units by meeting her emotional needs but she only seems to complain because I am crowding her. Now I'm forcing myself to give her space and time to think about things but I can't understand how this can possibly lead to a change in her feelings since no contact means no more depositing of love units... doesn't it? Complicating matters is that she often asks for the contact between us but then seems to unhappy about it afterwards. It seems like she is actively struggling not to let herself have any feelings for me... yet at the same time trying her hardest to make sure that I still want her? Sometimes it feels as if she just wants certain aspects of the relationship back but not all of it. The advice I've been getting from friends is to cut all contact off so that she'll recognize the value of what she would lose. Is this right? shouldn't I instead just be using whatever opportunity I do have to build up love units by meeting at least some of her emotional needs?

Sydney,
<p>Just want to say a couple of things. I'm in a very similar situation and the first 5 weeks I tried everything I could think of to build love units, unfortunately nothing worked and I actually pushed her further away. Matter fact, in the 5th week she sent me an email to my work saying she didn't have any feelings for me anymore and wanted a divorce. I begged for a six month separation and she agreed reluctantly. My suggestion would be the same as your friends, leave her alone and let her have her space. I'm doing that now, but I think I was to late. She just doesn't want anything to do with me now. I'm hoping over several months she will consider a reconcilation, but I have my doubts. Good luck and I will say a praying for you, because I know the pain all to well. Dan

well... I suppose I have my answer. The other day I learned, not from her, that she had already filed for divorce... and hadn't even bothered to tell me. Now our conversations have deteriorated to clinical discussions over finances etc. as she gathers info for her lawyer... expediency being her prime objective ("to stop the hurt"). I'm still confused, but I have accepted the path I find myself on and am trying my best to salvage a friendship. I refuse to let things degenerate and have our past twisted into something it was not. Wish me luck!

I am sorry to hear that she has filed for divorce without your knowledge. My husband and I are in a similar situation (No divorce papers yet). He too has put up a wall and does not want to work on repairing our marriage. I have been killing myself with kindness towards him but he just backs away and has withdrawn all of his love. He tells me he loves me but I can't help but wonder if that is true. I too do not know what to do and I hope that we don't end up in your situation. Good luck and get all the happiness that you can out of life.

This seems to be a common theme. It is so sad that spouses just want to give up on a marriage so quickly, not even realizing what they are throwing away. I also have a husband who is not interested in working things out, and just wants to divorce. We separated a little over a week ago, and it has been very difficult. One thing I have learned however, is that by pursuing him, it only makes him want the divorce even more. So I have since backed away. I am giving him as much space and time as he wants/needs. I can't change his mind for him, and there is nothing I can do or say to persuade him that he is making a mistake. I can only hope and pray that God will perform a miracle on him and help him to realize the love that he is giving up. I hope things will change for each of you as well. We all know how difficult and painful this is to go through.

Three weeks ago and after eighteen years together and four children, ages 3 to 14 years, my wife has packed up and moved out of our lovely home. Thankfully she hasn't moved very far and our older children come to see me every day but our youngest child is being kept from me and my wife will only see me if she agrees following a telephone call. Sure I understand that I must not agrivate the situation and keep a cool head. Our problems started twelve months ago when my wife stopped sleeping with me and I tried to discuss this with her but get a rebuff so I kept the peace by saying nothing. The final break came when my wife told me she had got a rented house to move into and wanted me to say goodbye to the children the following day, I was devestated at the swiftness and became angry at my wife and her mother who was guiding her. In fact her mother told me that my wife no longer loved me and that we are not compatible having nothing in common, to which I replied eighteen years, four children and a nice home seems to me as being a lot in common. I also accused my mother in law of interfering and that she should mind her own business, she replied that it is her business, so I asked her to leave our house. All of this has added to the tension but nothing hurts me more than not seeing the children and not understanding the reasons for my wifes hasty departure. Time will tell.