I AM DIVORCED --- MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS AN EXTREMELY CLINGY, MANIC DEPRESSIVE WHO FELT THE NEED TO FOLLOW ME TO WORK AND KEEP CLOSE TABS ON ME AT ALL TIMES. HE NEVER ALLOWED ME CONTACT OUTSIDE OF HIS PRESENCE WITH FRIENDS OR FAMILY.<P>I AM NOW ENGAGED AND MY FIANCE COMES FROM A FIRST MARRIAGE IN WHICH HE AND HIS WIFE NEVER KEPT UP WITH EACH OTHER AT ALL --- EVEN ALWAYS TAKING SEPARATE VACATIONS WITH FRIENDS RATHER THAN WITH EACH OTHER.<P>I EXPECTED TO FIND MIDDLE GROUND WITH HIM. HOWEVER, HE WANTS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE HAD BEFORE. HE WANTS ME ALL THE TIME. HE DOESN'T WORK, SO HE WANTS TO TALK ON THE PHONE WITH ME WHILE I'M AT WORK. HE WANTS ME TO COME HOME FOR LUNCH EVERYDAY. HE IS ALSO HAVING JEALOUSY ISSUES WITH MY CHILDREN (WE HAVE THEM EVERY OTHER WEEK --- SPLITTING CUSTODY WITH MY EX). HE SAYS THAT AS SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM, I SHOULD WANT TO BE WITH HIM 24/7. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND MY WANT FOR A HAPPY MEDIUM. I WANT US BOTH TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY ALL THE TIME WE GET TO SPEND TOGETHER, UNDERSTANDING THAT THERE ARE WORK OBLIGATIONS AND RESPONSIBILITIES WITH THE CHILDREN, AND THAT OCCASIONALLY, I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND MY LUNCH SHOPPING WITH A GIRLFRIEND--- AND I WANT HIM TO OCCASIONALLY GO TO A BALLGAME WITH HIS FRIENDS IF I CAN'T GO. <P>WE'RE NOT YET MARRIED. I REALLY THINK WE NEED PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING, BUT HE SAYS WHAT FOR? SINCE HE IS CONVINCED HE'S RIGHT --- IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU GIVE THEM ALL OF YOURSELF ALL OF THE TIME. PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. I WANT TO SET UP A MEETING WITH OUR MINISTER TOO, BUT I'D LIKE SOME ENCOURAGEMENT!

I havent posted for almost 2 months but i feel that i needed to after reading your post. My husband calls me at work all the time and could spend every minute with me if possible. I am very independent and like to do things with other people besides him and sometimes feel smoothered by his attention. I even like going to work to get out of the house and interact with other people. Even though i love my H i could not be with him 24/7 and he doesnt understand that since he feels he could. You should definetly listen to those warning signs in your head. I already see a problem if he is jeolous of your children. This is not a good sign because obviously you will need to do things with them once you are married that will take time away from "his" time. I may be wrong but this man sounds insecure and somewhat selfish. He doesn't seem to care or understand about your "needs" even though you spent time trying to get him to understand. <BR>I spoke with a counselor who recommended Patricia Evan's book titled verbal abuse. It never occured to me that my husband was doing abusive things. However, when i read this book i realized that abuse covers many things such as not "respecting your needs" and/or "trying to seperate you from your family/friends and the time spent with them" and a lot more that rang a bell with me. Men who are this way only see their "reality" not yours and as soon as you start defending or explaining yourself to them you enter their "reality" and justify to them that they are right since you are talking to them about it. Anyways, this is my perception and i may even be off base since i am relating your story to mine. However, i think we should all listen to our "little" voice in our head that tells us when something doesn't feel right. I think it is a good idea that you speak to your minister for guidance. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice. I really do want to work things out with this guy --- I truly believe he is my one and only --- I've loved him since we were high school age, and he really does understand me and know me. But I also recognize we need to work through these issues. He is much better about being willing to discuss the differences we bump into. But he also says I have a way of making him more insecure --- something my ex said as well. Is that possible? He says it's because I am too independent. I know I have a hard time yielding --- especially things like finances, etc. --- but only because I was ruined financially by my first husband and I just have trouble blindly believing a man can take care of me (and my children). Some days I feel doomed to be alone because of my self-reliance. Anyway, I do think I am going to make an appointment with the minister.

Hello-<BR>I am also very independent and like handling my own finances. When we got married he asked if we should have a joint checking account. I told him i wanted my own account and we could have a separate one on the side if he wanted. Well, since i said that he didn't feel i trusted him. So a couple of years after this i gave him access to my credit card to show that i trusted him and guess what. He ended up putting about $5000 on this card for things that he felt were necessary. Because he didn't have a steady job i ended up paying this + other expenses which ended up taking over 3 years to payoff. I promised myself that i would never let him use my credit card again. I have excellent credit now and have no problems getting any types of loans or cards and i want to keep it that way. Stick to your guns!!! If you feel more comfortable doing things your way then he will just have to undersstand.

LOTS of red flags in your relationship, and you KNOW it. I'm not usually so harsh, really...but you can SEE what's coming for the marriage. Do you want it?

Skate, Thanks for your advice --- I do stay guarded because that's what my first husband did to me. And my new fiance is very good for the most part about letting me be slow to change --- although he does have problems sometimes that he's receiving the lack of trust based upon what my first husband did to me. But I feel like I have to maintain my independence in certain areas.<BR>Nina, I understand what you're saying, but he does love me -- and studying Dr. Harley's web site and books (we have them all) was his idea. He really wants to work things out --- but he is human --- and he does have a low self esteem sometimes --- he only ever had one other girlfriend (whom he married and was married to for 15 years!). Anyway, we do have an appointment with our minister. Thanks for the help!

Hi,<P>This is from the perspective of a very clingy person:<BR>I tried to be independent a lot, but usually at a heavy expense emotionally. Fundamentally I have very low self-esteem and needs a lot of encouragement in a relationship.<P>I'm not sure what is your fiance's problem and <BR>My advice to you is: do what you can, but don't over-extend yourself.<P>Cucu<BR><P>------------------<BR>What a fool throws into the sea,<BR>A thousand wise men could not bring back <P>--- Proverb From the Island of Cyprus<BR>http://www.aiculator.com