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We've been married for 15yrs and he is asking that I wear tight fitting shirts or silky tops to give him something to look at. He likes to see a hint of breast or see a nipple through the clothing. I am very busy and sometimes just don't feel like taking the time to change my clothes into these items. He also finds it a turn off if I leave my jeans on after say 7pm. He thinks I should change into my lounge flannel pants. If my jeans are loose and comfortable fitting I see no reason to change them. He gets downright put out that I won't do these things for him. Does anyone else have a husband that makes these requests?

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Compared to request that my Husband just made for the first time (it was when I asked him about his emotional needs) your Husband's request seem very mild. If possible try to find a compromise. Also, if you met his needs remind him to meet your needs.

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Kay2004 Offline OP
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May I inquire what your husband asked of you?

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Sure, Just lok at: How to satisfy sexual needs of H. while keeping my Christian values? It is under the Emotional Needs String. It is easier to tell you about the string than to retype the explanation.

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I was wondering here about the possibility of Adult Attention Deficit disorder... ?

Stormy, Seek to be fully yourself, not just the person someone else wants you to be... for if you are not fully yourself, Christ can not be fully Himself in you. That is not to say let your "Taker" rule, however.

c

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I am sorry, but what the heck does ADD have to do with this? Also, what does our good Lord Jesus have to do with this subject? It angers me (yes I am a man) that people will automatically judge H's for their sexual needs. It especially makes it even more difficult to stomach when others use religion to support their thoughts and attempt to help others. There is nothing wrong with a married couple loving each other in their private bedroom. Granted, there are exceptions, but if both are willing and true to each other why is this so wrong.

What you are missing here is that we have a marriage of 15 years. That after sometime with life's everyday needs, pressure, stress and responsibilities, we all need separation from the world as it is. Things can get boring or stagnant, so what is wrong with bringing a little excitement into the marriage. Is it better if the H’s go and get it somewhere else? Either at bars, work, books, web? It sounds like your H really loves you and that you (yes you) excite him very much. That the excitement of seeing you in a more private seductive manner makes him appreciate what he has, makes him want you and enforces the love and strength in your relationship.

You also mentioned that you are tired. Is this part of the issue? Are you doing too much around the house, or in your everyday life? Is your H complaining of not enough sex? Are his needs more then the norm, meaning if he wants it too much. Are your needs for sex less then norm, meaning you don’t want it that much if any. Does he excite you? Is there a weigh problem or better yet a problem between you with attractiveness?

Yes, men want more sex than women do (we all have read this on this site). Yes it’s more chemical, then you want to believe or even admit. Stop characterizing us as sick or dirty old men. I agree that society itself does not help the cause and that W’s being on the opposite side sometimes create the unfulfilled need that some H’s look for.

I do agree that if he wants some of his needs met that in turn you should also have your needs met. But like we have read on this site, out of the 10 needs, his will be 1-5 and yours will be 6-10. That is why it’s so difficult to keep a love flourishing and together from the day you both said, “I DO”.

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sevenyor , I think the post was refering to my situation (Stormy) which is very different from her situation.

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Hello Sevenyor

You seem upset over this situation.

As a man I think you should have a little more compassion for what is going on here.

It is perfectly OK for some women and some men to feel guilty when it comes to sex... and religeon, and so called "dressing up" and so on.

Try and be understanding, these women do have feelings and its hard enough dealing with sex let alone religeon.

Take Care

Nick

N.B. Revised... I understand, thanks for the explanation

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Pick on Nick ]</small>

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Hey Key

I have to say that I myself have asked myself to dress up in ... well ... it took time for me to understand her ... I finally did.

You really need to try and talk about how you feel and perhaps find that extra middle ground that will please you for what you want and he for his desires....

I will say this, she asked me to dress up ONCE and I did get some of my medicine.

Laugh about it... try and find the humour to all this. As for Faith and right and wrong... I suggest therapy! I am not experienced in that area and did have issues myself which I eventually resolved.

Nick

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Pick on Nick ]</small>

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I, for one, would be thrilled to pieces if my husband asked me to 'dress up' for him. He doesn't care whether I wear sweat pants to bed or if I go in a nightie.
I say, if that is all he's asking for then you should do it. There is nothing wrong with wearing something your husband finds attractive on you. That's just my opinion...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Hello Nick and ladies;

Nick, you are correct; I was a little upset to see labeling of people or genders with out any understanding. As you probably can tell, it has happen to me before and it seems that it has happen again on your reply in the revised portion.

I did not say that it was not OK to feel guilty due to one's upbringing/religion/our own inner feelings. But I did say that the opposite (to a point, meaning that some people can carry it too far) is also OK. For expression of things that they would like. If it’s not intrusive, harmful, degrading, etc.. That is why there has to be communication, listening and understanding on both sides to work past issues.

My comment was mostly driven towards C1912T not Kay and Stormy. Sorry ladies if I was missed understood. Nick is right about guilt, but Kay did not say that the dressing up was that extreme, right? I took it as wearing a regular silky pajama (both top and bottom) or an athletic man’s shirt with bottoms. Was I wrong? This would not be something all that wild, would it?
Would there be a middle ground that you both might agree?

Stormy, if your H is asking for more elaborate things, again I would agree that you should only do what you feel confortable with and also your H should adheard to your feelings and agree, not just expect it. This works both ways ladies, always. Not necessarily with Sex either, everything.

Being married for over 9 years, my wonderful wife and I have gone by this issue now and then. I must say that we don’t always agree in matters of sex. In fact I have been the more… let’s say, daring (as she use to call me “the hot blooded European” of the two where I see my wife as… bashful and more “old school”. It wasn’t always like that. When we were dating, we both were more willing to change for each other (the whole romance thing). But after a few years of marriage, my wonderful son, life in general, stress and issues in our marriage (Women are from Venus man from Mars) things slowly dissipated. Yes, I am still the European and now she’s… as Kay describes “tired”. I still think that we can be like we were before our marriage, but who the heck can be in a mood when they are exhausted? This is when the counter partner kicks in “another notch” and does what it takes to make the other partner less tired. Help around the house, with shopping or anything that can alleviate this feeling. Then either you both are too tired or you both might have enough spark in you for some special time together. Maybe then you can talk to each other and agree or disagree on the needs of the two both in the marriage and outside the marriage.

Stillmissing shows the other side of the coin. The one's who are looking for the love and not getting it. Like I said you need to communicate with each other to find out why. Why does he want me to? Why does he not care if I do? Only this way you can both address each other's needs and maybe help each other with other issues.

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: sevenyor ]</small>

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Hey Sevenyor... I understand that European touch and fire... Your not all wrong in your comments... If I had to display my feelings about how I feel about the relegions of this world and what they invoke upon us.... It would not be very nice. The problem is that it is mostly the women who suffer from guilt and it takes years of un-doing for some.

Thanks everyone,

Nick

N.B. I revised my previous post and withdrew my somewhat "harsh comment" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Pick on Nick ]</small>

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I have to agree with sevenyor on this. If your husband wants you to change your outfit at night a little bit (I don't think jeans to flannel pants is much to ask)then do it! I understand his request, a slight wardrobe change can make a huge difference. If you keep on ignoring his request then he will most likely stop and go somewhere else. Now what's worse a H who is still attracted to you and is willing to explore new ideas, or one who doesn't bother to ask and looses interest?

stillmissing I'm sorry to hear your H is unresponsive you can give advice to my W anytime. I don't know what's going on there but it sounds like some of H needs are not being met.

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Sorry to come in on this so late, but I felt the need to respond, having both perspective and insight from the religious side, as well as having some of the same difficulties and situations in my own marriage.

First the religious aspects. Sex between husband and wife is greatly encouraged throughout the Bible. In the old testament it seems that nearly every married coulple is depicted as fooling around, and usually with gusto, on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, Solomon, who was given wisdom by GOD, tells us that a husband should find joy, rapture and excitement in his wifes breasts in Proverbs 5. The main reason, other than it is just plain fun, is to keep the husband from straying from the marriage bed.

This same point is reiterated by Paul in his first Letter to the Corinthians, in chapter 7. And later in Paul's Letter to the Hebrews chapter 13, we are told that sex in marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled.

None of this of course is to say that when a spouse says that I want some far out weird thing, or something that is plain wrong or immoral, should be done. But if it will meet your spouses needs and help keep the marriage together, WHY NOT?

As far as guilt, and I was raised this way or that, or I don't think this or that, or feel this particular thing... Often these are learned responses, and can therefor be unlearned, or replaced other thinking.

And allow me to reiterate what has been said by other men here: Ladies, if your husband loves you and wants to see you in a particular light or way-- GO FOR IT!! This a man who has seen you naked and probably in awkward poses, and he likes what he sees, and wants to see more! Forget what you think that you see in the mirror. See what is in the mirror of your husband's eyes. Learn to see what he sees, and see that in yourself.

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TrikkiNikk I see you know your SEX IN THE BIBLE theory. I think this goes beyond that point of view. I think your missing to read the in between lines of this whole discussion. It is not as simple as "wear this baby and let's get it.... on...." Some people do have a problem with sex and the bible and in my personal opinion... we should keep the bible out of this altogather!
Nothing personal,
Ciao
Nick

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I know I'm on the end of this, but here goes: A man who had been married about 20 years (age about 40) approached me and asked me if I would go to dinner with him and wear something sexy. (He knew I was married). He said his wife won't wear sexy clothes for him. He said she is beautiful and works out but she wears real old-fashioned stuff. He said he has bought her some sexy stuff and asked her to wear it when they go out sometimes but she won't. I refused. Obviously, your husband has an unmet need and I hope he's not the one who is now asking other woman to wear something for him.

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Use POJA to reach a compromise to meet both your needs.

Wear the sexy cloths.


. I walk the recovery path too, ... but I walk alone. HOW 'BOUT THEM STEELERS! . I've finally realized now, that you just have to keep breathing. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring. Tom Hanks (Castaway, 2000)
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Yes, I have one too & it drives me nuts. i wasn't into tight fitting stuff when we were dating & I tell him that that attire is not condusive for a Christian woman of character & I dont know why it's a big deal to him. I mean why can't he accept me as me? I tell him that I didn't know that I married someone who was superficial & more concerned in the outward appearance than at the heart. I must tell you that he had issues with sex addiction, so you can imagine what I'm feeling. I just try to stand my ground & not compromise and just ask the Lord to help me to deal with him...I must admit it's very rough some times.

Be strong!!

freckles1234

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The responses here are really interesting. There is a need and a communication problem here. Not only do we have needs, we must communicate them to our spouses in a non threatening way. This is where the Bible can mean some thing in this discussion. If a spouse was raised like me, then anything other than plain one position sex may offend their percieved religious values. I am not saying that I still feel this way but I was raised in a VERY CONSERVATIVE Southern Baptist home. Sex is something taboo and not talked about. I for one am VERY pleased to see references to sex in marriage discussed in the bible (where can I find more!).


My W and I are currently dealing with an EA. I have been trying to get our family back into church after many years. I have become very used to a somewhat liberal sex life (only between us). I am worried that as I try to reapply true Christian values in our life that I am going to have to give up something that we both really enjoy in our private bedroom.


This is a bit longwinded but the short of it is that the resistance to a suggestion can come from many places. Good marital communication can help find the sources. Then, simply meeting his and her needs can be done easily. Seek to understand your mate (I am trying to understand mine after 19 years).


BS-me (40) WW (39) DS11 - The true light of my life! EA (to become a PA on June 9th) DDay Feb 5, 2006 ("I do not love you") Real DD March 22, 2006 ("I think I am a lesbian") Divorce Pending
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Quote
We've been married for 15yrs and he is asking that I wear tight fitting shirts or silky tops to give him something to look at. He likes to see a hint of breast or see a nipple through the clothing. I am very busy and sometimes just don't feel like taking the time to change my clothes into these items.
Jean,
I am with you on this one. what ever you do don't try and make yor husband happy or make him notice you (Must have seen something he likes somewhere else!)
at least there is an effort on HIS part to keep the spark lit And at home.
My bet , 1 day you will ask something really easy and simple of him and he may bauk


This can't happen to me!!
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