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Joined: Nov 2000
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diamond Offline OP
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hi,<BR>i've been with my boyfriend for bout 3 1/2 years everytime i mention marriage he disappear or change the subject....i know that he loves me and wants to be with me but that's not good enough i still want to get married could someone please give advice...<P>tks<BR><P>------------------<BR>liz

Joined: Sep 1999
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Just one question. Are you living together?<P>If the answer is yes, why would he want to get married. He has all of the "benefits" of marriage without the comittment and legal obligations.<P>Mud <><

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if he really wants to he will marry you<P>he just might not be ready yet<P>i know one couple who had been living together for over 3 years and have now been married 10 months<P>so dont listen to ppl when they say it wont happen....nooone has the right to be so negative

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diamond Offline OP
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thank you bijzonder for your advice and believe it or not you are right we spoked obout it and this time he respond he said that he don't believe in divorce and before we get married it has to be right... he is currently making arrangement to buy a house for us... in the furture in that way when we do get together he want we will have a home to live in for the rest of our life... so there you see he does care alot... thanks guys for your advice it helped..... <BR>

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after some thinking and discussing i have decided not to bring up the subject of my partner and i getting married for at least 6 months then after than we can talk about <P>if he decides he does want to be with me but doesnt want to marry with then i wil be happy with that...marrying him is important but what is more important is that i am with the man i love and that we are both happy<P>i dont want him to marry me if he isnt ready or doesnt want to marry me.<P>the only thing that wil change between us when and if we get married is that i will have his last name and we wil have a piece of paper that says we are married..it wont change who we are or our relationship just make it a legally binding agreement<P>the last thing i want to do is force him to marry me just to "keep me happy" cause i know he wont be happy and if he is unhappy then so am i<P>i realize alot of ppl will say i shouldn't stay wit him if he doesnt want to marry me but why throw away something good for the sake of marriage. the person i am with is far more important than marriage im not saying marriage is important but ive realised its nto the be all and end all.<P>if we are meant to be together its gonna happen married or not<BR>

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How can you say that you would be happy if he didn't marry you? You would be compromising what you want..and something<BR>that is important to you...why is his "needs" more important<BR>than yours? that is basically what you are saying..<P>And to be honest..Marriage does change things..its thinking<BR>they won't change is what causes problems..<P>think about it..as long as your not "really" married and just living together..you still have the option to date<BR>others..once your married..that option is no longer available..

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why would i want to date someone when i am already in a serious relationship <BR>and if you think that just cause someone is married that they automatically stop dating you are very much mistaken<P>hello... people do have affairs and yes these ppl are married<BR>and for some couples things dont change once they get married and for some they get better some they get worse<P>oh and another thing that gets to me why is that the guy get s the flack when he and his girlfriend live together..saying that he gets the benefits of marriage with the legal commitments and obligatiions..wouldnt that be true for the women as well like she could be the one who benefits more..ie she could just be in it for the sex<BR>and yes i am female and no i not in it for the sex

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oops that should be <BR>saying that he gets the benefits of marriage without the legal commitments and obligatiions

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Diamond<BR>My best friend was in the same situation as you are. She was in love with this man and they lived together for 4 years and he responded the same way. The only difference was that she felt like she was wasting time with a man that didn't want the same things she did. She has since moved on for the good of her ownself and has grown emensely. Yes, they are still friends and talk every once in a while but she needed to be true to herself and what she wanted. She wasn't going to settle.<P> Personally, I agree with Thorned Rose. I have seen the adverse affects of living together before marriage through so many of my friends. The guys are confused thinking that everything was/is ok, and the gals seem to continue to want more.<P> IMO I think the best thing to do is ask when a good time it would be to talk about the situation to get everything out on the table. That way he knows that you want to talk about it but you are letting him deciede when is a good time for him so he'll be prepared, then you can understand him and he can understand you.<BR>Hope some of this helps<BR>CBC

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diamond Offline OP
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hi canbecatty, thank u for your advice i know that everthing that you are saying is soo very true... i have decided to end the relationship and move on long ago about 3 months now...i am already on a single search for a new man .... i have waited long enough.. even though may 23 of this year will be 4 yrs together... but it's all is going to finish now... THANK YOU all for your advice <P>DIAMOND<P><BR> QUOTE]Originally posted by canbecatty:<BR><B>Diamond<BR>My best friend was in the same situation as you are. She was in love with this man and they lived together for 4 years and he responded the same way. The only difference was that she felt like she was wasting time with a man that didn't want the same things she did. She has since moved on for the good of her ownself and has grown emensely. Yes, they are still friends and talk every once in a while but she needed to be true to herself and what she wanted. She wasn't going to settle.<P> Personally, I agree with Thorned Rose. I have seen the adverse affects of living together before marriage through so many of my friends. The guys are confused thinking that everything was/is ok, and the gals seem to continue to want more.<P> IMO I think the best thing to do is ask when a good time it would be to talk about the situation to get everything out on the table. That way he knows that you want to talk about it but you are letting him deciede when is a good time for him so he'll be prepared, then you can understand him and he can understand you.<BR>Hope some of this helps<BR>CBC</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

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I was in the same situation for two years. I moved a thousand miles, left my family and great paying job to be with a man I seriously thought was my soulmate, and I still think he is. I left after two years and moved back home. We are still in contact with email and phone. It has been very hard and sad for me, but I know I don't want to wait anymore. You did the right thing!


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