Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 15
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 15
My future H to be and I have been growing apart, I think it all started with when we started planning this wedding (I should rephrase that when I started planning a wedding) things have been different between us. We are both stressed out about how we can come up with the money for the wedding and it's been on and off as far as big wedding or small wedding is concerned. Now we are having a small wedding, even though I have the hall booked and we are going to loose a lot of money because of it. Anyways...to make a long story short. Things have been pretty tense between us for a while now and I'm having second thoughts. I really don't know who to talk to about everything. But last night was one of the worest arguments we have had in a long time bringing up old things too. I just feel like I'm the only giving 100% in this relationship, I bought the books His Needs, Her Needs and also How to fall in love and stay in love and I've been reading them and asked him if he could participate in reading the books together and going over things and doing some of these great questionaires because I want this marriage to work. He doesn't like to read, so I high lighted things that were in important to our relationship and read them off to him. He just didn't respond to anything I read off to him. Then he told me he doesn't like to hear people read to him. I feel this book is excellent and if we could read it together and work on the things mentioned, our relationship will improve so much. It just seems he isn't interested in giving it a chance, since he says those books are for people who are married we aren't married yet. Well to me we are since we are living together and all. We have a lot of things against us, but I want to beat the odds of most couples that end in divorce. These are the reasons we might not have a chance to work out so people say and some of the articles in this web site tell me.<BR>1) We have both been divorced.<BR>2) We both have one child each which are a year apart from each other. We are going to become a blended family.<BR>3) We live together, been living together for a year and half.<BR>Things are rough on the weekends when we have the kids both together. I have custody of my son who is 6 yrs. old and he only gets his daughter every other weekend and she is 7 yrs. old. We have problems sometimes with disopline areas. He never yells at this daughter but he always yells at my son a lot when he does something wrong, but his daughter he treats her different where I think he shouldn't. I treat both kids the same, which I feel is fair.<BR>But that isn't our biggest problems... The real problem to be is I need affection and communication from him and he is totally unavilable to show it or talk to me. He is more interested in watching sports and watching TV. Sometimes I just want to throw out the TV and have no TV at all. We are both Christians, we go to church regularly. I just feel neglected and that my needs are not being met at all. Sex with him isn't the greatest he rushes through it I feel at times, his foreplay is really bad and to fast it seems. So lately, I've been withdrawing from having sex with him. I've been reading both books a lot trying to figure out how to fix everything, I'm getting tired of being the only one who cares to fix the problem. When I think he thinks there is no problem. I just don't think he is the person I first met a long time ago. We've been together in total for 4 yrs. and we first started off as friends and then it grew on to something else. He wanted me first, in the beginning when I at first didn't want anything other than friendship with him, but some how as time went on my feelings grew for him into being more than just friends. He used to be spotanious and romantic and now things are different he doesn't do anything, almost like the chase is over and he won now he doesn't have to do anything for me anymore. Heck, I was the one the proposed to him believe it or not, because I thought of doing something spontaneous and fun. He did say that he wanted to be the one to do that, but I beat him to it. He did tell me that he would eventually before the wedding comes initially propose to me, well that hasn't happened at all. We did go out and buy a ring for me though. I give him cards for no reason and used to surprise him with candle light dinners and breakfast in bed but when I started seeing no good response I stopped doing all of that. I miss that in our relationship, I miss the conversation and the affection he used to give me. I just don't know if things will change since I'm the only one that seemed to be interested in saving this relationship.. all he is seems to care about is SPORTS. He's been watching them every night this week and last night I blew up and had it out with him. He just doesn't understand me and how I feel, I don't think he respects me either, but that is another long story... Please whatever you can do or say to help, I would really appreciate it. Because I'm so close to calling it quits. I'm just tired of giving my all and all when he isn't doing much on his part, I'm getting burned out and his love bank is in the negative numbers.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Well, I see a lot of red flags here. And, yes, if he would particpate in the MB materials, it might help. But, you can't effectively force, nudge, nag him into "improving".<BR>Trying to "educate" a spouse generally backfires. You can lead by example, you can respectfully ask that he participate, but that's about it. My H never would participate in the MB stuff, but my doing it and "setting the tone" by example went a long way. However, even tho he was not interested in teh MB stuff, he was interested in improving the relationship.<P>I guess I would suggest that you think long and hard about if you really want to marry him, and why. Someone who neglects you & your relationship before you are married is not likely to change for the better after the ceremony...<P>Kathi

Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 24
G
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 24
Hi there, <BR>I just recently married my livein boyfriend. We lived together outside of marriage for 5years and had two kids together. While I can't answer a lot of your issues I can sympathise a lot. And offer some advice. <BR>About two months before we got married God started convicting my heart that eventhough we considered ourselves married in our hearts that we were not married in the eyes of man.<BR>My H is a lot like your guy in that I cannot get him to participate in marriage building activities. I no longer even try I just pray and try to fill up his love banks as much as possible.<BR>As far as your love bank goes you are entitled to be hurt and to let him know. But you should let him know immediately and not wait to explode.<BR>As far as the rest of the neglect I don't know what to tell you we have the same problems. Where you said SPORTS I would have put WORK to describe my guy. The only answer I have for you on that is the same one I have for us: Counceling.<BR>One thing we did do 1 month before our marriage was quit having sex. And wait till the honeymoon. This did a lot for me. I have no idea if it affected him. I first of all in this time repented for having sex outside of marriage and then prayed that God would make our sexlife in marriage what it should be. It was not easy to hold to this 1 month commitment (even though our sexlife had calmed previous to the physical seperation). I had to stand my ground and turn down his advances, but for the first time in a long time I feel pure before God. And after marriage sex became pure. <BR>As for you draging him into marriage the only advice I have is to pray. I prayed that if God wanted me to marry him that all of the details needed to get married would work and if not that it would continue to fall appart (we had a hard time with the details too). I also prayed for a sign that came from my fiance and God gave him 1Thessalonians 3:12. He believes in God, but that was the first time he had ever told me that God gave him a scripture.<BR>Another thing that came to me before we were married was to check where my eyes were and they were on my fiance and not on God. <BR>Last of all make sure you get good counceling (therapy) and support, blended families are hard plus you both have (just like us) emotional issues that need worked out and pray, God listens.

Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 15
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 15
Responding to Myrtle1000.<P>Thank you for the advice, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone and that there are others out there that have been where I'm at.<BR>I also appreciate the Godly advice too. It helps, I also have felt really bad about living together in sin before marriage. I pray a lot, but lately I've been trying to get closer to God again. Sometimes you get caught up in the busy every day life and planning this wedding hasn't been fun at all. I feel like I'm all alone doing this and it's very hard. I have to take on a second job just to afford the wedding costs and not to mention Christmas coming up. I do plan on doing the same thing you mentioned about not having sex for one month prior to marriage just to make it feel more pure in God's eyes. I want God to bless this marriage. We are planning on going to pre-martial christian counseling before we get married through our church. This past weekend my FH and I finally talked and I told him how I have been feeling and why reading this book and going through these exercises really means a lot to me.<BR>We worked out a plan about the sports too. He said he would compromise with me about watching sports some nights, like 3 nights out of the week and the rest of the week he will dedicate time with me and family activities. I explained to him why I need affection and conversation so much and he understands now more than ever. I also mentioned to him about our sex life and how I feel it's not been the greatest.<BR>Things are going a lot better between us. He told me he would try his best to show me more affection and make time for me whenever I need to talk about anything regardless if it is his night to watch sports or not. He also said that he would give these exercises a chance since it means so much to me.<BR>Because I truly believe that if both people are reading the books and doing these exercises that our marriage will have a better chance of becoming lifetime....<BR>Plus, I totally agree with my Pastor when he said if you put God first in your marriage and pray together every night, there is no way of the marriage failing. I really believe that if God is first nothing is impossible.<BR>Thank you for you advice and I really hope your marriage lasts. Thanks for sharing with me your experiences and talking about your marriage with me. I appreciate it. God Bless.

Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 104
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 104
A wedding is a day a marriage is a lifetime.<P>Whatever behavior you have seen and displayed is CERTAINLY going to follow through to the marriage.<P>I thought marriage was going to *change* things and somehow our lives would be *different*. But the truth is your relationship is your relationship. Marriage is a bond to help the **rest of the world** see you differently.<P>So in a nutshell you will get treated differently by other people, but likely not your spouse.... Unless their expectations are so off about what marriage will "do" for you, that they become angry and bitter that "things" don't just fall into place like they imagined.<P>Marriage is a relationship...Relationships take work. The whole planning, financing, deciding, organizing, juggling that you are doing for the wedding is just practice for what you will be doing your entire marriage.<P>Plan on making the marriage more special than that one wedding day.<P>Hope this helps.<BR>Y


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 140 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5