Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#64164 07/02/02 06:08 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
Dear all,
Please forgive me! Somehow i mixed everything and created a poll but wanted you to share your thoughts with me, not to vote. Voting is not so helpful. So please find below my question and please forgive me for any inconviniences I have created here!!!

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen!
Pls. help me with decision-taking!
I think i am in pretty tough situation. I am Orthodox, he is Catholic. We love each other so much and we definitely decided to get married. I am ready to follow his traditions and have wedding in the Catholic church as this is the most important procedure for him for the whole life. But I am not sure if i am ready to make this final step in my life as there will be no way back.We don't know each other pretty well, we were brough up in different countries with different traditions related to religion...For him Civil marriage means nothing at all and now he is thinking about my proposal to postpone our Church wedding. What if he decides to do this now. Should i accept?
Maybe someone may help me?
Would greatly appreciate if you share your thoughts with me!
Thank you in advance,
Ksenia

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: Kseniya ]</small>

#64165 07/02/02 11:38 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 163
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 163
Ksenia,

You seem to be contradicting yourself. You say you love him and definitely want to get married, but you are not sure if you want to get married because there is no turning back?

A civil ceremony may mean nothing to your intended spouse, but let me assure you the Catholic Church recognizes civil ceremonies as a valid marriage. However, a civil ceremony or ceremony by a clergyman of a different faith, is not a *sacrament*. If you go forward with a civil ceremony, you are married without the blessing of the Church. Your husband will fall from the State of Grace and not be able to practice his religion, until the Church validates your marriage.

If you aren't sure about this commitment, don't do it.

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: DoItRight ]</small>

#64166 07/02/02 01:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
Kseniya,

I see that you are new here. So, I will issue a welcome on behalf of the group.

I assume that since you have chosen to post in this particular forum, that you are living together with your BF.

BTW, Are you Russian?
What country are you living in?

From your original post, I understood that it was not that you were uncertain about marrying him, but rather that you felt that getting married in the Catholic church would estrange you from the Orthodox church and possibly from your family. Is that your concern?

You say that you don't know each other very well. Are you in the US on a K-1 visa?
It is very hard to get to know somebody in 90 days and decide whether or not to marry. If you are not sure about that, it is certainly better to wait - even if you have to leave the country.

Please write again and give us more information. This particular forum has not very many people. You might get more help on the "Emotional Needs" forum, since there are a lot of people there. I will post a link for you over there so maybe some people will know about you.

Looking forward to your reply,

-AD

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

#64167 07/02/02 04:13 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 439
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 439
DoitRight is correct!

I am Catholic...my H is Hindu. We were married by a Christian minister.

The Church DOES NOT accept our marriage until we have it blessed. I have not found out the complete procedure, but I believe he will need to take some classes to understand & make a commitment to raise our children in the Catholic church.

I am very sad because I cannot receive communion or confession - 2 very important Sacraments. I truly hope someday my H will take the steps so I can become a fully practicing Catholic.

BTW...they do not EXPECT conversion of your spouse anymore.

As for your culture differences. Oh boy do I know that one!!!

My H did come on K-1 & 90 days is honestly very short, but it depends on how long you have known eachother. My H comes from India--I am US Citizen.

Maybe you can give us more info so we can help more.

Thanks AD for bringing this to the attention on EN forum.

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: milli ]</small>

#64168 07/02/02 04:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,742
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,742
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kseniya:
<strong>I am Orthodox, he is Catholic. We love each other so much and we definitely decided to get married. I am ready to follow his traditions and have wedding in the Catholic church as this is the most important procedure for him for the whole life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orthodox, as in Greek Orthodox or Russian Orthodox ... or as in Jewish? If you're member of one of the Christian faiths, talk to your priest. I believe that the churches do recognize one another, and recognize the legitimacy of sacrements given in the other churches.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I am not sure if i am ready to make this final step in my life as there will be no way back.We don't know each other pretty well, we were brough up in different countries with different traditions related to religion...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part confuses me. If you don't know each other well, how did you decide to get married?

#64169 07/03/02 01:18 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
"I see that you are new here. So, I will issue a welcome on behalf of the group"

Kseniya - AD, Thank you for welcoming not!Really appreciate this!

"I assume that since you have chosen to post in this particular forum, that you are living together with your BF"

Kseniya - No, we are living in different countries, meeting each other from time to time. And I am Russian (you are right). He is Polish, so i may say that our cultures are pretty close.

"From your original post, I understood that it was not that you were uncertain about marrying him, but rather that you felt that getting married in the Catholic church would estrange you from the Orthodox church and possibly from your family. Is that your concern?"

Kseniya - I may tell you that this is exactly the way i feel. He won't be able to make me separated from my family, but i am afraid that he will be somehow pushing me to become Catholic.I've talked to the Orthodox Priest and he told me that i should follow him if i love him because wife should always follow husband and everything is OK if our child will be baptised in catholic church. Our church accepts everything!That makes me feel better as i am not "betraying". The only thing i need - make sure that he won't push me! that stops me while i am trying to decide if i am ready for this wedding in Church.

Thank you for your help again!Makes me feel better!Could never believe that somebody may give me some advises!

#64170 07/03/02 01:25 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
"Orthodox, as in Greek Orthodox or Russian Orthodox ... or as in Jewish? If you're member of one of the Christian faiths, talk to your priest. I believe that the churches do recognize one another, and recognize the legitimacy of sacrements given in the other churches"

Kseniya - Dan-O, I am Russian Orthodox. Our churches do accept each other with some difficulties, but they are different a little bit.

"This part confuses me. If you don't know each other well, how did you decide to get married?"

Kseniya - I think we know each other well enough to have Civil marriage. But i would like to check if we are ready to live with each other until the end. With Civil marriage everything is easier, you may get divorce with no problem. I don't think this will happen, but who knows? As they say, when people start to live with each other, they may find out that it is impossible for them to live together...That is what i am afraid of!

#64171 07/03/02 01:36 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DoItRight:
<strong>Ksenia,

You seem to be contradicting yourself. You say you love him and definitely want to get married, but you are not sure if you want to get married because there is no turning back?

A civil ceremony may mean nothing to your intended spouse, but let me assure you the Catholic Church recognizes civil ceremonies as a valid marriage. However, a civil ceremony or ceremony by a clergyman of a different faith, is not a *sacrament*. If you go forward with a civil ceremony, you are married without the blessing of the Church. Your husband will fall from the State of Grace and not be able to practice his religion, until the Church validates your marriage.

If you aren't sure about this commitment, don't do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

#64172 07/03/02 01:51 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
"I am Catholic...my H is Hindu. We were married by a Christian minister. The Church DOES NOT accept our marriage until we have it blessed."

Kseniya - As i may see your situation is more complex and difficult. Or maybe it simply seems to be like this!In any case, I think you will manage with no problems at all.
But would you like your H become catholic or you may accept his religion quite easily?

"As for your culture differences. Oh boy do I know that one!!! "

Kseniya - I may guess. Our differences are not quite big at all. they only seem to be quite serious but in fact, hope there won't be problems...
Thank you all for your help! It really helps when you can talk to somebody and discuss what you feel!

#64173 07/03/02 01:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
"You seem to be contradicting yourself

Kseniya - I know this! This is simply the way i feel for now. I want to be with him, but something makes me postpone everything...
I tried to explain my feelings in answers to some other messages! Maybe i have managed!

"Your husband will fall from the State of Grace and not be able to practice his religion, until the Church validates your marriage"

Kseniya - Now he is thinking over this possibility to postpone our Church wedding. We'll see, but i think quite many people are doing this (I know this is not right, but...)

#64174 07/03/02 07:06 AM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 163
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 163
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Kseniya - I know this! This is simply the way i feel for now. I want to be with him, but something makes me postpone everything...
I tried to explain my feelings in answers to some other messages! Maybe i have managed!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You explained very well. Long distance relationships are difficult. It is a great leap of faith to meet someone only a few times and then go into marriage, especially if that union is to be permanent and binding.

When a couple is going together there comes a time when you are ready for an exclusive relationship and you want the responsibility of meeting each other's Emotional Needs. I think you are at this point, but you also have doubts that you know the other person well enough to make a promise Forever.

Marriage is important because it is NOT temporary. Whether you go into a civil ceremony, or a church wedding, it is assumed you will be together the rest of your lives. You make this commitment to each other in order to have the incentive to work through your problems rather than walk away from them. Otherwise, why marry at all? Why not just live together?

You are at a wonderful time in your lives. This time should be joyous. You should savor every precious moment of getting to know the one you love. It should not be filled with stress and worry if you are doing the "right thing" by marrying. If you feel those things, step back. Put more time into discovering the other person. Be sure.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Kseniya - Now he is thinking over this possibility to postpone our Church wedding. We'll see, but i think quite many people are doing this (I know this is not right, but...)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are correct, Kseniya. It is not right. Many of those people will see their relationships end in divorce. You might say, 'well that would happen any way' but according to studies that is not so. In the US many people live together instead of any form of marriage. There is a much higher rate of breakups and abuse amongst people living together than married people. In your society it seems a civil ceremony is seen as the same thing - an arrangement where you act married but have no commitment to stay forever. Think about that. Isn't it the COMMITMENT that holds couples to overcome their problems?

I read a good description of living together the other day. It said, people live together much like they would take a car out for a test drive. If the customer does not like the car, he just walks away when he is done. This is fine if you are the customer... but what if you are the car?

Problems WILL happen. That is life. Few couples escape having financial problems, the burdens of children, and the work involved in supporting a household. These things and more will put stress on any relationship. A temporary arrangement gives both of you permission to walk away and leave the other person burdened with these issues. Ironically, it is the person who STAYS, who remains committed to the relationship, that will end up hurt.

You have much to think about.

<small>[ July 03, 2002, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: DoItRight ]</small>

#64175 07/03/02 08:41 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
Kseniya,

If you marry in the Catholic church, you can have an Orthodox priest there to say a prayer or bless the marriage. You do not have to convert. If you choose to marry in the Orthodox church, you can have a Catholic priest or deacon come and give a blessing. You will still be able to receive communion in the Orthodox Church and he in the Catholic Church.
are you wondering that if you end up divorced you will be excommunicated? If that is so, then you should know that there is a process that you have to go through to regain the ability to take communion again. You should ask your priest.

#64176 07/03/02 10:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 3,912
Kseniya,

Please keep coming back here and posting your questions. There are people ready to help. Most people here are marriage people who are having problems. Perhaps they are just the right people to give you advise - to avoid mistakes which they have already made.

I would suggest, though that you post in a different section. Not many people read this section, and it doesn't fit your situation, since you are not living together. Try the "Emotional Needs" section.

Maya jena russkaya toje. Kogda ya chital vash "post", ya znal chto vy russkaya. Isvenite chto ya tak plocho pishu po-russkii. Luche bylo chto ya pical "Dobro Pojalovat!"

-AD

#64177 07/04/02 10:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
DoItRight - "I think you are at this point, but you also have doubts that you know the other person well enough to make a promise Forever."

Kseniya - I think i am pretty sure that i know him well enough and i respect him so much. I am simply afraid of this step to be taken...Can't explain these fears even to myself!Maybe this is fear that something completely new is approaching to happen with me? Maybe many women experience the same before their marriage?
By the way, thank you again!Your words seem to be so reasonable and they really help!

#64178 07/04/02 10:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
Originally posted by AD:
"Try the "Emotional Needs" section."

Kseniya - I think I will try later!

"Maya jena russkaya toje. Kogda ya chital vash "post", ya znal chto vy russkaya. Isvenite chto ya tak plocho pishu po-russkii. Luche bylo chto ya pical "Dobro Pojalovat!"

Kseniya - Your language is pretty good!Have you studied it? Peredajte pozhalujsta privet vashej zhene i zhelaju udachi vam oboim!

-AD[/QB][/QUOTE]

#64179 07/04/02 10:38 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
[QUOTE]Originally posted by cleopatra:

"If you marry in the Catholic church, you can have an Orthodox priest there to say a prayer or bless the marriage."

Kseniya - Cleopatra, unfortunately this is not at all possible. Our churches accept each other and they accept such marriages, but there are some problems between them. F.e. Pope has never visited Russia...

#64180 07/05/02 07:33 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
K-
What country will you marry in? Russia? US?
I am Orthodox, My H was a Catholic when we married. He converted later.
We had an offical from each church.

The Catholic church recognizes our sacraments of baptism, marriage, communion. Is it possible that your fiance will consider marrying in the Orthodox church even if he does not convert. Would he consider doing that for you?

If he won't do that, what about a ceremony in each church? I have also seen this done.

Check this website, it may be of help to you:
www.russian-orthodox-church.org.ru

#64181 07/08/02 10:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
K
Kseniya Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 11
"What country will you marry in? Russia? US?
I am Orthodox, My H was a Catholic when we married. He converted later"

Kseniya - Cleopatra, I think we will get married in Poland and in the Catholic church. I don't think 2 marriages in both churches are possible but we may check this.

"Is it possible that your fiance will consider marrying in the Orthodox church even if he does not convert. Would he consider doing that for you?"

Kseniya - I think that this rather won't be possible...He is strict Catholic and i should accept this. And i think i will check this website! Thank you for support!

#64182 07/09/02 12:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,743
K-

If he insists and you agree, then sometime after the marriage in the Catholic church you can have your marriage blessed by an Orthodox priest. This does not mean that you have to convert. This shouldn't be a problem with the Orthodox priest either.

Also, you should consider, one day you may have children. Will he be willing to let you raise them in the Orthodox church? Are you willing to raise them in the Catholic church?

I think its really important that you consider his willingness to compromise with you. Have you read about Dr. Harley's "Policy of Joint Agreement"? If not, please look it up under the Basic concepts topic at the top of the page. This is a great tool for communication in marriage.

As you and I both know, being Orthodox can be very hard to walk away from. Please, if it's important to you, take time to make your decision and discuss this with your fiance.

take care,
cleo


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 16 guests, and 90 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5