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Joined: May 2003
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I'm 20, been with my bf 2 years, long-distance relationship, and things are great between us except for the missing eachother and not getting enough attn/affection when we're apart. I might a get a dog to help out there. :-) Anyways, he's in the military, so he's often away, and when he's near near = 6 hours drive away), I generally can only see him on weekends because I go to school. Its a financial drain to drive 12 hours a week, and its a pain too. I have to be the one driving because I have more days off, whereas he just has the 2 day weekend. Its also an emotional drain to keep missing him, and it can be really frustrating. He's going to be deployed in the fall - not sure for how long, any amount of time between 3 and 10 months, most likely 3-6. So this summer, when I'm not in school will be an important time for me to see him more. I have read the rationale against living together, but I wonder if, due to circumstances, I should take these 2 summer months to move in with him.

Here are the reasons why it might not be worthwhile. He works 14-16 hour days, so I might not get to spend more time with him, especially if I work waitressing nights. I might end up just chillin with him on the weekends only, same as if I didn't live with him. I am unlikely to meet many friends up there, as its a hicktown, and the people there aren't really my bag. It may be harder for me to cope with him getting deployed if I don't cultivate my own stuff going on close to school. I may resent him if I move up there to be with him and he can't spend any more time with me. <--probably unlikely
And, of course, marriage builders does not generally recommend it.

But, like I said, I rarely get to see him, and there's plenty to gain from moving up there for a couple months. We've also shown a comittment to eachother - this wouldn't be a "lets test things out" kinda thing.

Also, I wrote in another post on these boards that I won't consider marrying him until he's out of the military, and he knows this. This is because inherent in being employed by the military is the fact that his job is his life, and comes first in every situation. I want my future husband to put me first, ahead of his job, and it isn't possible now.

Second, I want to live with him if we're married, and the places we'd live would not be places where I could find a fulfilling job. I'd need to be in a city - and my future career is important to me. So, seeing as how I'm very young and he's probably not going to be in that much longer, I feel like its best to wait until conditions are ideal for marriage.

Any advice on whether we should live together this summer?

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OH YES! I think you should live together first. You are both so young and marriage has some many vows. Live it up and try your best and if doesn't work, walk away without guilt and a big [censored] lawyer bill. God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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I was 20 once, and I thought and felt similar to how you feel about having a long distance boyfriend. We were "commited" too (translation: having mutually exclusive sex with each other)

Are you really asking for advice, or are you looking for a way to do the wrong thing? By "wrong" I mean the thing that statistically will put you into the category of those who don't marry after living together or the category of those who DO marry after living together, and then divorce?

Do you think you are going to be the exception to the rule? Living together is an artificial situation. I'm stealing from Dr. Laura here: You're auditioning for the role of a wife. You're "playing house."

From what you posted I can see no good reason to move in with him for the summer. But you do what you want .....

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MAD0NA: (sic)
<strong>OH YES! I think you should live together first. You are both so young and marriage has some many vows. Live it up and try your best and if doesn't work, walk away without guilt and a big [censored] lawyer bill. God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarcasm or not? You be the judge!

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

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i would say no if your goal is to eventually get married. Statistics show that roughly 80% of people who live together before marriage end up divorced. There are websites and books that discuss in more detail why this may be the case.

As for me, I have been divorced before and have no intention on getting "married" again. For me, living with someone is as committed as it would ever get and the process I would go through to decide if I wanted to live with someone would be long. While I don't intend on getting "married", I also won't be shacking up out of pure convenience....which brings me to another point. It sounds like you want to live with him because it would be more convenient. The biggest life decisions should never be made out of convenience.

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Thanks for the responses.

I just found out he's leaving August 1 for Afganistan for 10 long months. I haven't seen him since April, he's in KY. He'll be back mid-June. I've decided that I'm definitely going to stay with him for the month of July (I have class until then so I will only be able to drive up the 6 hours and see him for the weekends in June).

I have read all the reasons why cohabitation before marriage sets a couple up for trouble, but I can't see how they would apply here. And, advice doesn't always apply to everyone - afterall, there is 15-20% of couples who are not divorcing as a result of cohabitation prior to marriage.

I feel like I'm in a pretty special circumstance. First, and very importantly, I'm not moving in with him in any permanent sense. Its more like an extended vacation, because I'm just staying for a month, then I'm back to my apartment at school for the year. So I don't think there is any threat of the whole "renewing the lease" thing if we got married. I plan to be living in my own apartment after graduation next year as well, because the jobs I'm after are nowhere near where he is. Second, it is not a matter of testing things out before making a bigger comittment. We may as well be engaged at this point. We plan to get married someday, but I'm the one refusing his pressure to do it now. That's because I refuse to be a military wife (my husband will put me first, not the army, not his job, not anything else). And of course, I don't want to be married to someone I don't live with, or can't live with.

So I won't technically be his fiance until he's done with the army, or until he can promise me with certainty that he'll be leaving when his comittment is up. Right now there's some talk of him thinking about special forces, in which case I cannot stick around in this relationship. I won't wait forever. But that is 2-3 years away, so no decisions can be made yet. Of course, I'm also 20, and I don;t need to be married before I can legally drink to celebrate it! Ah, but that's a whole nother topic entirely!

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Its actually going to be more like 2-3 weeks, not a month, turns out.

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Spindudel,
It is obvious you didn't come here for advice. You seem to have made up your mind to go stay with this guy, so go ahead and make yourself happy. A single unit added to the statistics wouldn't do much harm. As Bellevue said, "Do what you want".
As a student, you wouldn't be eager to enrol for a course where 80% of all those who take it end up failing. Of course, you might be a special case, and be among the 15-20% of those who pass. However, your chances are pretty slim.
Dr. Phil once asked a bunch of men why they didn't get married after they had been with different women. Their responses were not unexpected.

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I wanted to comment about the moving in for the summer.

It does seem that you already have your mind made up. If I had it to do over again. I would have married first. Moving in for one night or one summer makes it easier to keep just living together.

Mike and I have lived together for seven years and now have a little girl. We started out dating for about three months and then saw each other exclusively for six months. Our schedules were opposite (I worked days he worked nights) so we only had evenings and weekends to spend time together so we spent more and more time basically living together so he moved in. We planned a wedding and let things get in the way and never went through with it. It just keep getting easier and easier to just live together and pretend that we were married. Everyone thought we were anyway.

The point is - I thought we were special too. I thought that Mike and I were meant to be and that getting married was just a formality.

Living together is a compromise. Don't settle for less that what you want.I truely believe that living with him for the summer will make it easier to live with him in the future or with someone else.

I have made a firm decision to not live with Mike if we end up back together or anyone in the future. I think it is selling myself short. I deserve as everyone deserves a relationship which is complete and committed.

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Seriously...
NO!!!!
I too, was in a very similar situation - I was moving to Texas to be with a wonderful woman (or so I thought) and didn't have a place to live in her very small town - her parents were going to find me a place to live, as I had just gotten out of the Army and was moving down from Alaska. It was only going to be a few weeks until I got my own place. We were in love and were going to get married the following year...
3 weeks into her house, we fell into each others arms and ...
well the rest of the story - our resolve to NOT have sex went right out the window.
After all, we are human with natural-given urges and the chemistry of just living with another person helps move things right along.
End of story: we broke off our engagement because our relationship went south really fast after that.
I moved away from her - like 100 miles away - no contact with her and really do not want any contact with her.
If you really treasure your relationship with this person and picture a life together with him, please, do NOT give in to this. Make the sacrifice for you and him - you won't regret it later that you two did the right thing. Now I'm not saying you will do the same thing I did, and I'm not saying you won't. This was only my story, and I hope you think about this move before making a decision on it.
God bless you both.
Harold

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TAke it from me DO NOT get married to this man untill he gets out of the military. I have been a military wife 10 yrs and i can tell you from experience you will not be put first and his job comes first all the time unfortunetly it broke me down enough to have an affair and i regret it terribly and now our marriage is over. I have tried to work it out but he doesnt want to. I have cried so many times becasue he has gone away so often and i was the same age as you when i got married (20) but unlike you i didnt know a thing about military life and if i did i may have made a different choice on getting married. I thought he would get out but once they get you in and get you comfortable with the lifestyle it is hard for you to get out and that is what is happening to my H . I think he is skittish about getting out and i cant take the lifestyle anymore. I did not get married to be alone I got married to be with my H all the days of my life. I am not saying you shouldnt go visit him for a month but DO NOT get sucked into how great the military life is and how they take care of you. Dont let him talk you into marriage before he is out tell him over and over if you really love me you will get out and not put me through all these seperations we need to be together to have a good marriage.

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did you know that in the bible men who were in the army were not allowed to go on the battlefield for one year..they were allowed to stay home..I wonder why that was..in those days..and not today.

I was married to someone who was in the navy and when I met him he was not in uniform..by the time I found out it was too late..he already captured my love..and was gone many months at a time..

I waited for him..and we got married and then he was off again for months..

I never cheated on him..while waiting while going to gether or during our engagement..but he did cheat quite a few times..I needed to cut it off then..I didn't figured when he gets out..he would not do that again...

well even after marriage he still did..I waited for him to get out...then he surely would not treat me like this..
well

he got out of the navy...and he still cheated..every chance he was away..for a time..

even cheated while I layed in hospital in critical condition after the birth of our first baby by c-section...he left the hospital after birth..and went with someone he cheated with through all the time in the service..she would follow the ship..drive, or fly she would be there as long as it was in the states..
then be back in town before the ship pulled in..

anyway I kept thinking it will stop..it never stopped it was further apart perhaps..while he was healthy If I was home and he went someplace I didn't know where he went..how do you believe a liar......he was good at it..and they say
Love is blind yup I did not want to face reality...

then he got sick and he still managed to have girlfriends...he really had a magnetic personality..and was good looking to boot..he was handsome to his death..he was my husband others wanted to borrow for help..one of those guys..

well please wait till he is out..because the world is a changing place and there are no
values in foreign countries and now in Canada
I heard that they passed a law so you can bring a third person into the marriage.

and it is up for vote in the us..in aug..and they think it will pass..that is scarey..
so wait... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Madona..

Wow! I am speechless with your post here! Shock and Awe! You must really like your father to hate men like you do.


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