My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 3 precious girls ages 3, 5 & 8. To our friends and neighbors, my hudsband seems like a congenial, happy guy, but the other side of him is very different. He is verbally abuse to me and the kids and you never know what is going to set him off. It happens on a regular basis and he never shows remorse for what he says or does. He is very self-centered and a somewhat unterested father. I have asked him to read Dr. Harley's books, which I bought, but he hasn't. I have asked him to go for help but he won't do that. I told him that his behavior is causing me and the children to lose our love for him and his reply was "I'm not going to change, get yourself an attorney". This really hurt me. I've read Ms. Evans' book on verbally abusive relationships and it's exactly what me and my children and living. What do you do when you have asked for change and for someone to seek help to help themselves and they won't do so?? I don't know if without change I will ever be able to have the love and respect for him that you should have in marriage and a family.
<p>P.S. 2 of our children have learning disabilities and he refuses to accept the fact that they are different and must be dealt with in different ways. He hasn't taken the time and made the effort to understand what their needs are.
<p>Could you give me any advice??
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I really feel for you and your situation. It sounds like your husband is very angry about something. It also sounds like he is not going to change. I think you need to save yourself and your children. I feel that your children can be emotionally damaged by all the insensitivity that your husband displays. I think that you should recommend counseling to your husband. If he refuses counseling and refuses changes his negative behavior, I think you should consider separation.

Dear Dee,
<br>Been there, done that. I see that you have discovered Patricia Evans'books. They have helped me more than anything. I was AMAZED when I read my life story in those pages. Please take her empowering advice and ask, demand, change form your husband. If he is unwilling or unable to truly change get out with your precious little ones. I have a 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son that are now dealing with the problems they will have the rest of theeir lives because I did not get out soon enough. I am separated after 23 years of begging, counseling, reading every book available, counseling and 4 separations-this time I am afraid it is for good. I feel much better but am so sorry I could not have had the Cristian home and marriage I wanted. Please read and reread both Evans' books as often as you need to to keep your strength up. She also does phone consults if you feel you need that. Hang in there and write me if you'd like- Debby at hollimon@bayou.com. I'm not a whiz at the computer so I am not sure you will even get this- not sure where I am myself!<p>[This message has been edited by Debby.]

Dee - if your husband recommended getting an attorney at your suggestion for him to seek counseling, then indeed I would be looking for an attorney. Verbal abuse is SO damaging to ones self that we often don't even recognize when it's happening.. luckily you DO recognize it. For your sake and the sake of your children, please remove yourself from your situation so that they do not grow up thinking that verbal abuse is a normal thing in a marriage. Perhaps after you have removed yourself he will realize that you are serious and perhaps then he will seek counseling. And if he doesn't, you are better off without him..

Dee, although I can imagine this must be hard for you, please consider what may be contributing to your husbands condition. Maybe there were things in the past, his childhood, that led to this kind of behavior. Counseling would do him a world of good...its just getting him there that is the problem. He is afraid I would guess.
<p>This is bad stuff no doubt, and you do need to take control, but before you bring on the lawyers there are other measures that can snap him into some action. Try everything before you bring on the law...unless you are ready for the marriage to end. Lawyers have a way of killing all hope. You have kids, you must decide if you are ready to eliminate the daddy. Maybe leaving the home with the kids would get his attention. Possibly mediating a separation without threat of immediate divorce. Let him know you mean business.
<p>It is easy for people on a thread like this to jump to conclusions with very little background. Consider some tougher measures, but try everything before you begin a war. Just my 2cents.