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#65096 08/02/98 09:33 PM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 64
J
James Offline OP
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J
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 64
After 10 years of marriage my wife has left me and wants out. We have had a terrible two years that have led to her suffering from clinical/or manic depression. To give an idea of our circumstances let me cite the major hurdles we have had to deal with. First, we decided to leave a church we were committed to for 8 years that was getting too controlling...and we lost all contact with a large circle of friends and experienced much ridicule for it. Then my wifes father almost died of a brain hemmorrage. After that the entire family...three children 7,4,2...and baby #4 on the way in 2 wks, were almost killed with a head on collision with a drunk driver. Luckily nobody was hurt badly. But it did put my wife into 3 false labors. After that we lost a deal on our "dream home" due to a fraudulant real estate agent. My wife had the baby in July 1997 and shortly after that suffered from sleep loss and a lot of stress...obviously. In the Fall, we were starting a new year of homeschooling. She was not getting sleep, was impatient with the kids, and was not showing much ability to carry on with things the way they were. She started to show signs of depression, but I didn't think it was more than post partum. Emotional depair worsened. We had to enroll the kids for the first time in public school. After that she really fell apart. I was trying everything I could to be there for her. She even used to call me her hero for pulling her out, but usually it made no difference. She would cry for hours. She started talking about killing herself. At first it was very subtle, then she would say things like "I'll just put a gun to my head I can't take it anymore". Sometimes she would say this in front of the children. Our conflicts worsened as well. She would yell at me for the strangest things, and got suspiscious about everything. She would also do impulsive things like drive for hours to far away places for no reason. Finally in January 1998 she took up psychotheraputic care and got on antidepressants/Zoloft. It still took months for her to stabalize, but during that time I lost it with her. I just couldn't be the support she was looking for and ended up losing my patience. I said mean things to her that I regret terribly. She began pushing for separation...for me to leave the home...then she recently 7/98 left the home and filed for divorce. She sees our life as 10 years of hell. I just don't see it like that. I have a large box full of love letters and admirations from her that metion nothing of what she is claiming now. And I think I have done a prety good job being a faithful and loving husband. She says I put her over the edge, made my bed...and now must lie in it. I am very sad because I love her and want to do whatever it takes to be the man she needs me to be. She says it's too late now and wants nothing to do with me. Everytime we speak she screams at me or is cold as ice. I am thouroughly blown away. I feel my wife has mentally snapped and that she is projecting all of her pain on to me. What can I do? We now have lawyers and the whole thing is getting very messy. She is slipping through my hands, so is my heart, and my life.
<br>Suggestions please. We are running out of time.

#65097 08/03/98 11:44 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 305
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Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 305
James,
<br>My heart goes out to you. I too have had to deal with a spouse you is dealing with depression and it is no easy walk. In healing from their depressioin they are taught to think only of themselves and to be very selfish in taking care of their own needs. Hearing that things have gotten to point they have your only hope would be to try and prolong the divorce and try to convince her to get some marriage counseling together. Some states require it before a divorce can be final. What you need to ask yourself though is if you do get her back are you ready to deal with what it is going to take to make her better. It's going to take more than seven months for her to come completely out of that depression and really see the world for what it really is. If you really want to try and save things I would try and convince her not to rush into this and give it some more time. My husband was going to leave me a year ago over the same reasons. It has now been 1 1/2 years since he started getting help and things are getting better but we still have far to go. One thing you need to realize is that it took years for it to get to this point and it will take years to fix and get over all the hurt feelings. They don't just go away. Good luck!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]
<br>Steph


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