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#657802 03/30/00 12:54 AM
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Eric32 Offline OP
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I have no profile, I'm lame. Brief background; 2 kids (3 & 5), all started in 1/99, found out made W leave, found this sit and worked. To no avail. W had variety "exit affair", she doesn't quite have a grip on what she's "exiting" to though. So we do the back and forth thing as far as friendship goes. <P>I am not trying to be cynical here, but if the big D is what you must do, use what you've learned here and just try to do it without the punishment thing. We have 2 godsends and I didn't want to risk that. I wrote our divorce, simple, no paybacks. It was not easy, I wanted to rip her throat out for what she had done. I am glad I didn't. Because of her guilt, she rolled over on the divorce; whatever I wanted. It's tempting to take advantage of that. Somehow I didn't. If I had, in my opinion, I would have done what she had; betrayed trust. I know I may have had every right to do so, according tomany folks, but that would've only served to dismantle me. It can also give the betrayer an opportunity to justify/claim victim status. When does the healing start when any of this happens? It doesn't. This is weird, but if you have to file, you really can do it and not give up in what you believe. Only if you do it without hate and hurt. I am telling you that I think that we're both ahead of the game because <B>I</B> had the strength to not punish her like she felt compelled to punish me. At this point I don't know if I want her back, but because of the way it is now, it could be an option. Divorce is not just an end, it's also a beginning; beginning of what is the question. That's up to us...<P>Just my Spin,<BR>Eric32

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Eric, <BR>I agree...unfortunately, as many of have learned, divorce is not the end of our pain. Sometimes it is worse, therefore you must be sure divorce is the answer for you. <P>And you are never truly divorced from this person, especially if there are children involved. There are times I wish I never had to deal with him at all, but then there are two loving and wonderful children looking at me...in that aspect, it is never over, and we must learn to put our differences behind us for that reason alone.<P>I have put the pain of the affair in regards to him behind me. I am ready to go on with my life and not let this situation have the hold it had on me the past two + yrs. We all have to go that. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

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RWD Offline
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Eric,<BR>I semi agree with you. My situation is similar to yours except where it came to the divorce. My x didn't roll over in the divorce proceedings. In fact she went overboard and wanted all the financial advantages, she didn't want the kids or the house. <P>She did not want to pay child support, still doesn't, and even lied about how much she made. She also asked for more than 50% of my pension, her lawyer added her pension to mine and then divided by 2, but said I wasn't to touch her pension.<P>We finally agreed on things, I let her claim our youngest on taxes, she originally wanted both, and she agreed to take less money for the equity in the house, although it was very near half. She also took less than half my pension as her lawyer on selected on one of the many retirement packages I have and I was the one that filled out the financial statement. Wife never did. I even saved her butt because she selected my pension for the new company I was working for, at the time I had worked for them for only 7-8 months so there was nothing there.<P>Anyway, I still have some bitterness issues and am trying to work through that. I could easily move on without her in the picture, but we do have children so she is around somewhat. I just can't understand how she can place the kids third on her list of importance.<P>As for being friends, I don't see that happening, as she no longer has any qualities of what I look for in a friend. I don't find lying, not to mention cheating, selfishness, lack of remorse, and just plain stupidness as something I want in a friend.<P>I know I have to deal with her inregards to the kids, but that is where I draw the limits. I really don't want to talk to her again unless I find out she is doing something stupid with the kids as she has been doing for the past month.<P>Maybe, just maybe, she will realize what she is doing to/with the kids. I could care less what she does or says to me, just so long as she is careful around the kids.<P>bob

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Guard and I drew up our financial & household asset want lists. It was so strange, they were almost completely compatible--except we both wanted the computer. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

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I am with RWD! I don't want this person as a friend. We have no children together so I get off easy. My H actually wants me to pay for 1/2 of the divorce that HE wants. That may be where I draw the line!<P>We will see because Friday I get the papers and if it isn't good, there will be He$$ to pay. Sounds immature, but I've put up with enough of his crap! <P>Anyway, that is my spin. I totally admire Eric for his though! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Eric32 Offline OP
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I should have said friendly instead of friendship. I have to agree that I'd be lying to myself to call her a friend. None of the other people I call fiends shall her qualities. It would really be a slap in the face to those folks, to know my standards for friendship would be so low. I am not really saying she's a complete piece of trash, it's just that I admire my friends for their fortitude in the adversities we all face. She doesn't posses that quality. Courage.<P>Thanks for the comments guys,<BR>Eric

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Well, I couldn't even be friendly right now without crying...<P>Anyway, I don't have any children with him so my situation may be easier to get away with.<P>Don't get me wrong...I still Plan A myself to death, but I feel like a fake doing it.<P>TB

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I think my divorce is going to be WWIII, IV and V. It's definately going to be ugly. My H is fighting me about everything. And the situations surrounding the OW are not safe for my children and I am trying to get visits restricted so they aren't around her or her house. (2 men were fighting over her last year and 1 ended up getting shot, plus she sells marijuana). <P>He thinks I'll back down on certain things but I refuse to subject my children to anything that may be harmful to them physically or more emotionally than the divorce already is!<P>I believe I'm ready for battle!<BR>Mitzi


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