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Joined: Dec 1999
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Just wondering if there are any ex-spouses out there that want to come back. I guess this is possible, but it doesn't seem to happen very often.<P>

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I was talking to a few casual friends about this who are divorced. All of their H wanted to come back. Two of them said forget it, one remarried someone else after she told her xH to forget it and another 2 are thinking about getting back together with their xh.<P>I don't know if this is the norm or not. But I wanted to ask them their opinion and how they felt about taking back their H or moving on with out them.<P>

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Well, my D hasn't even been final for 2 months yet. I don't talk to my X except once a month (when the loan payments are late). I have only seen him once, to exchange some stuff, and he wouldn't even look me in the eye. Honestly, I don't think he will ever realize what he has lost.... and right now, even if he did and he said he wanted to come back, I'd say no.<P>B<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Joined: Sep 1999
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Hi<BR>I know someone who left his wife and family for the Ow. Within 12 months he realised he had made a huge mistake but by that time his wife had met someone else and it was too late.I think this happens quite a bit actually.

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While my situation has been going on a year, we decided to divorce within the last 3 months. To tell you the truth, I seriously doubt he will ever want to come back to me. He seems pretty determined that I am all wrong for him. And I don't know that I disagree. If I make him this unhappy, we probably aren't right for each other. There is also his massive ego to consider. He has a very hard time admitting when he makes a mistake. I'll let you know if he ever decides he wants to come back, but I wouldn't hold my breath.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

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Hi, <P>Well, my one set of neighbors, the H left the W for OW and was gone one year. They got back together, and are seeming to be OK. <P>Another set of friends, split up one year, got back together and two years later split again, they are now seeing other people and in the middle of divorce.<P>My other friend who is female left for OM. She has no intentions of going back and I would bet money they'll never reconcile.<P>My H left me and I see no signs this time of him coming back, but last time this happened, a year later, he did come back.<P>This time, its not a matter of him coming back, I've been down this road before. Its a never ending cycle. Look at Lor and Guard. Its hard to be on the same page at the same time. <P>I think almost all men go back to their wife, or at least try a year or two down the road. I think a lot of women who leave, never actually go back. I have seen this in books, and in real life.<P>There are no guarantees, and we all have our doubts. I like to think that what is meant to be, is meant to be. Thats why I gave up plan a, and started living life for me. I don't care if my STBX hates me, it hurts a little, but I don't want him back. I do want to see him fail miserably at this relationship, just because I have suffered because of him. Is it wrong, yes, but I'll admit to it.<P>The betrayer, usually wants the betrayed back AFTER the betrayed gives up and finds someone new. Or is interested in other people. Have seen it time and time again, even on this board as well.<P>Dana<BR>

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I think it depends, but since you sent your question out mentioning betrayers; I take it you are talking an affair. I think if your H is in love with the OP then chances are slim he'll want to come back. If things don't work out between the betrayer and the OP and he comes back, I'd be cautious there too. I know for me, it would be very hard to trust his motives then. There are other variables to consider too, but if your spouse doesn't love you I think it's safe to do your best and move on.<P>

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Everything I have read indicates that upwards of 85% of MEN regret having left their wives. Even if an OP is involved - especially, actually... my feeling is that for men most times, an OP is involved if they leave. On the other hand, women tend to leave after they've exhausted all efforts and have nothing left to give to the relationship. They don't come back.<P>Just what I've read and seen here and on other forums.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

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I am probably one of the odd female betrayers, as I would jump back in a minute. My daughters want us back together (they are 4 and 5), and we are both great parents, just lousy together as lovers. I would want to try again and see if we can get a spark back. I regret leaving him.

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I would love to know the answer to this. From what I have read it seems to take approx. 2 years for the ex to regret their decision. My question is what happens in that amount of time that changes their minds. My H left me and baby for OW. I tried to tell him, he is experincing a great passion, but that it would probaly not last & then he would wish he could have his family back, but then it would be to late. So anyone out there with experience, what do you think finally makes then regret it. (if they do regret it)

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>On the other hand, women tend to leave after they've exhausted all efforts and have nothing left to give to the relationship. They don't come back.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My wife claims she has exhausted all efforts,<BR>but her efforts were short casual conversations on the way to going to work,<BR>never sitting down and saying that she was<BR>hurting, but always telling me I was doing something wrong. Even now if I say something about her LBing, she might apologize, or just disagree and walk away, ive seen both.<P>The last serious conversation she sat me down for was the way I dressed for my parents, and I didn't interpret it as discussing our relationship, should I have?<P>My wife has an EA with someone for a while, until I got her into individual counseling, than the EA appeared to stop, but no progress towards reconciliation. She said whe wanted a divorce and then waited for something to happen. Undoubtably for me to do something,<BR>as I have always done as much as I could for her, but in these situations, do most of the departing women really believe that, or are they using it as justification?<P>just curious. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>

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Tulip,<P>Just some observations of my wife's family: her mother left the family for an affair when she was 40 years old. The affair didn't last long, it was an abusive and unhappy relationship. <P>She spent the next 30 years, right up to her death, regretting it. She craved to be part of the family, missing Christmasses, birthdays, etc. She spun a hundred lies about why the marriage ended, never admitting the truth.<P>My mother-in-law never forgave herself, my father-inlaw never got over it, and her children never forgave her either.<P>Yes, sometimes they regret it bitterly.

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I actually think that if a betrayer is going to change their mind and want to go back it happens a lot sooner then 2 years later. I would think it's more likely to happen in the first year or so. I think that the more time that goes by the lesser the chance. For instance, I am one that married the other man. The first year is the hardest (just like any marriage). Not only do you adjust to each other, but we had to adjust to the roles of being step parents and having ex spouses. The first year he also knew that if he wanted to go back his ex would welcome him, no questions asked. She called him frequently and I guess you could say she "applied the plan A". Now, 3 years later our lives have settled down and we are closer now then we have ever been. So, I think the more time that goes by the less chance that they'll come back.

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Somewhat differently, my wife had an EA and<BR>wants a D because of it. However, she claims, and right now she does not have an<BR>OM, but stills wants a D because of the<BR>type of people she works with.<P>This is what I find confusing is that she will be working during the day, and usually 3-5 nights per week also, and wants a D. So how will she spend any quality time with the kids? as well as being obsessive compulsive<BR>about exercise, 1-3 hours per day needed,<BR>I must think there is an OM involved somehow?<P>One reason she uses for not needing an H is that she has a 10 bedroom house given to her as a condition of employment, with utilities provided, as well as food when needed. So why struggle with an outsider to her community when she has everything she thinks she needs?<P>Sometimes, I just don't get it.<P>

Joined: May 1999
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BonnieSept,<P>If everything is going so well for you, then why are you here and on the infidelity board? To convince the betrayed spouses that they should give up, as many suggested you intended by what you posted many months ago on the infidelity board? (something about why would anyone want to take the betrayer back, if I remember correctly). I noticed that after the brouhaha that that post produced, you disappeared from the infidelity board for quite awhile.

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Oh I didn't disappear, I just post more on the emotional or divorced boards. I also stated many times that I do not encourage people to toss in the towel and I have never encouraged that. In fact, I have told many who have marriages in trouble to come over to marriage builders because of the people over here that I think could help them. I didn't tell this poster to file either, I simply answer the question. I talk to a few of the posters who have posted under the infidelity boards via e-mail. There is definately a time when the marriage is "over" and some of the posters who want out of their marriage are afraid to post it because they feel like under no circumstances should they ever end their marriage ( is the opinion of some) and they'd be blasted in asking for support with their decision. I've also posted over and over how affairs are wrong and how it hurts many involved. I've stressed that you should get out of your marriage because there problems, not because of another person. When I divorce my first husband I was NOT involved with the OM. I had broken it off so that he could work on his marriage. My decision to divorce was based strictly on what my marriage had been like for years, how I felt about my ex and the insane way that he reacted upon my telling him of my affair. He had an affair days after I told him of my affair and because of his actions he is now living a miserable life. I do come on these boards really trying to warn people of what can happen.

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Hopefully, you have stressed insurmountable problems? and that is open to interpretation of the individual. With certain communication barriers, simple problems become insurmountable, yet, the real problem lies with the communication, which for<BR>the most part is fixable. I am being<BR>asked for a D because the communication is poor mostly from the W's side who is wanting the D.

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All problems are insurmountable if there is an OP involved - and it doesn't much matter if the affair is active or not - until withdrawal is over, the OP is still there in the mind of the betrayer, affecting ever decision that is made.<P>BonnieSept,<P>I find it a bit inconsistent that you say that you do not advise people to throw in the towel, and that your decision to divorce had nothing to do with the OM when your post last summer said:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I chose to walk from my marriage for a few reasons. One was the obvious fact that I loved the om and not my husband. Another reason was the tremendous work it would take in getting my husband to forgive me, if he ever could or would. Lastly, it was obvious to me that there was something wrong in my marriage for me to have an affair anyways and I had been unhappy for some time, so I felt I needed to go at it on my own. Once this decision was made for me a tremendous burden was lifted off of my shoulders and I started to live for the first time in a long time. I know I could never have worked it out with my ex husband after my affair. His hate and anger was so strong that he started to make me feel the same way toward him and I didn't want that. Two hating each other does the children no good.<P>What I mean by my babbling is that I wonder if some of you would be happier in the long<BR>run and your spouse happier in the long run if you threw in the towel.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited April 19, 2000).]

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Nellie,<P>You said to BonnieSept.....<P>"I find it a bit inconsistent that you say that you do not advise people to throw in the towel, and that your decision to divorce had nothing to do with the OM when your post last summer said:"<P><BR>quote: (from BonnieSept)<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I chose to walk from my marriage for a few reasons. One was the obvious fact that I loved the om and not my husband. Another reason was the tremendous work it would take in getting my husband to forgive me, if he ever could or would. Lastly, it was obvious to me that there was something wrong in my marriage for me to have an affair anyways and I had been unhappy for some time, so I felt I needed to go at it on my own. Once this decision was made for me a tremendous burden was lifted off of my shoulders and I started to live for the first time in a long time. <BR>----------<BR>She is saying that she had been unhappy for a long time and needed to go at it on her own. She told her OM to see if he could make it work with his W. <BR>She didn't give him any ultimatims or encourage him to leave. <BR>BonnieSept feels better knowing she didn't make her decision to divorce her husband because of OM.<P>I followed BonnieSept's posts for several months before I asked her if I could correspond with her through email. My reason was because she sees the total picture. She experienced an affair. She experienced ending it. She experienced being away from her Husband and took the time to know her feelings. Before OM ever came into the picture she wasn't happy with her marriage. She stayed with him alot longer than she wanted to.<P>Yet, she never once encouraged me to forget my husband and be with my OM. I've told her how unhappy I'd been my entire marriage. I told her how nice my husband was to me and was a terrific father to our children. <P>She knows all about my relationship with my OM (we are both divorced now). She tells me to not make any decisions right now. Her advice always looks at the total picture. She values marriage as well as values people's personal happiness and peace. <P>BonnieSept is right. I am hesitant to post sometimes because of getting attacked by all the betrayed. They ask questions wanting answers they want to hear. They are in too much pain to handle possible negative opinions about staying in a marriage. As important as marriage vows are, it doesn't mean you should stay married if two people don't love each other. <P>It doesn't mean you should ever cheat just because you aren't happy in your marriage either. Nothing can justify cheating on your spouse.<P>Sorry, I see I'm getting off in a different direction than originally intended. Just wanted to give BonnieSept credit for helping me with some of my questions and I've enjoyed her open mind and honesty.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As important as marriage vows are, it doesn't mean you should stay married if two people don't love each other.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, YES IT DOES. Nowhere in my vows did my H or I say anything about "until one of us decides he/she doesn't love the other one anymore."<P>Second, If you love someone (not just "in love", you do not stop loving them. EVER. <P>Third, the whole point of Harley's philosophy is that the feelings of love that appear to be missing can be restored. <P>BonnieSept came right out and said that one of the reasons she left her H was because she loved the OM - how can she or anyone else therefore claim that the OM had nothing to do with her leaving her marriage? And your saying that she stayed a lot longer than she wanted to is hardly additional justification. <P>

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