Hi, my H and I have been married for 12 years. He had an affair after the birth of our first child. After being separated for 6 months we reconciled. He swore he gave up other woman.. I believe he did for a while. Problem is that he would occasionally call her for business reasons... and at first he told me about these events.. I would try not to judge him.. I would just listen and ask him what he planned on doing and whether there was a way to avoid dealing with her. I never brought it up without his having first said something and I tried really hard to remain nonjudgmental. Things seemed to be going great. We had our second child who is now almost three. Problem is that he has decided to leave again. It has now been three months. I believe that he is back with OW. His phone bill for cell phone shows her number on it constantly. He refuses to either admit of deny it.. but has periodically disappeared for days at end despite the fact that heis living with his mom. We have two young kids and we are fighting over custody terms for them He wants joint physical custody... (while he loves them.. he wasn't that involved with them before he left so I think he is being a hypocrite... more importantly, I feel he is putting his own needs above those of the kids!) We have a temporary agreement in place and I want to see a child psychologist to evaluate the kids and to have his/her opinion on how to work out the custody since he and I can not agree. I think the kids need him and to see him.. but that their regular lives do not have to be disrupted for H's convenience and guilt....He is only living 5 miles away so he can see them frequently....He initially agreed to the child psychologist and has now backed out of meeting her... He had suggested meeting with a priest and when I set that up.. backed out at the last minute...I am very frustrated! My therapist says he is very guilt ridden and by focusing on the kids he is avoiding other issues related to his leaving the marriage.. she said it would all catch up to him soon however.....H is not the same person I married... all he seems to think about is himself. When I try to point out what is happening with me or with his own family he blows up! His family tried to set things up so that I could spend Mother's Day with them (I have no local family)and he blew up over it.. so they had to change their plans....They are all kind of discouraged with him and generally feel he is being very selfish in his motivation. Others who have seen him have said the same. His own brother told me that he didn't like the arrogance he was hearing from him and that I needed to teach him a lesson! What has happened to this man? He is not who I married! All he can say to me and assume of my actions are negative things....What is going on with him???

There is a book out by Virginia Satir called Peoplemaking. It addresses the stress times in people's lives, like weddings, child birth, first child goes to kindergarten, children leaving home, death, etc. <P>When a child is brought into the family, it means that the couple create new identities for themselves. The wife is also now the mother and the husband is now also the father. Learning how to go in and out of those roles while maintaining both roles, as well as the individual role, is often difficult. It is hard to get our needs met and meet our obligations to others during these times of transition.<P>It could be that your H is feeling left out of the family. It could be that he feels he doesn't get enough of your attention since he now has to share it with kids. the fact that he is so focused on himself may support this. His negativity towards you could say that he is mad at you for "abandoning" him for the children. His focusing on the kids could be his way of relieving some of the guilt he feels for wanting some of the attention you give to them.<P>If this comes across as sounding like it is your fault for neglecting your H, that is NOT what I am trying to suggest. Just offering some insight into what MIGHT be in his head.<P>Anyway, Peoplemaking is a great book. I would suggest checking it out. There are great exercises in there to help with many different types of situations.

Nikki123,<P>Being an attorney, I'm sure you have the legal angle of protecting your children's best interest covered!<P>Joint Physical Custody... becomes very burdensome on the children...<BR>...and I'm gald you want to give them a more stable life.<P>As far as what has happend to the wonderfaul man you married...<BR>...he's sick<BR>...he's addicted to the affair/infidelity<BR>...he's in bad shape emotionally(maybe that's why he doesn't want the psychologist's input... as it will require interviewing him!)<P>Your first concern must be for the well-being of the chidlren...<BR>...the only way to accomplish that is make yourself better.<P>Are you now in couseling (for yourself)?<P>There are other great books for understanding what has happened... check out my post called... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>!<P>The "Private Lies" book by Frank Pittman is always a good choice.<P>I hope everything works out well for you.<P> <P>Jim

I have read that a common time for men to have affairs is upon the birth of a child for many of the reasons that you cited. But, I do not know what to do about it. Our marriage was no different than any of my firends' with young kids. It is just rough in the beginning. They suck so much out of both of you. We would make sure we would go out on dates.. he definately tried to be romantic.. I was definately tired a lot.. all the usual stuff. I tried to talk to him about what was going on.. I told him that a lot of studies showed it was a relatviely common phenomena for men to feel left out.. for men to have affairs a s a result... I tried to let him know directly and indirectly that I and the kids love him. We have always had a great time as a family.. do a lot of things with the kids and with my in laws as well (they are a close family).. so I am baffled as to what else I could have done. I know that somehow this OW is giving him something that I haven't been able to... but, I do not know what it is and I will not know unless he can find a way to tell me. For all of you out there who are involved in an affair... PLEASE don't let the fact that your words and message might hurt your spouse be an excuse to avoid telling them things they need to know to make your marriage work. (Of course you should be as kind as possible in the delivery.) You are dooming your marriage to failure if you keep your secrets! Some of you might not realize what it is you are getting or how to communicate it to your spouse... so go to a counselor for help!

Jim: Thanks for your quick response. I will look at the books. Yes I am in counseling... I think it is one of the main things we can do to help ourselves in our situation. I am interested in hearing more from you about your perception of joint custody. Can you tell me why you think it is a bad thing for kids? My H wants it very badly.. I think the only time he doesn't feel quilty about his decision is when he has the kids. You see his parents divorced and his Dad abandoned them, literally. He is determined to be nothing like his Dad but scared that he is.. So I believe he is over compensating. I have said this to him.. and he has told me that he is well aware of that issue... that it is his issue and that he is dealing with it (he is also in counseling). Problem is that neither I nor anyone who knows him (his siblingsas well) believe he is doing a good job of dealing! They all (and I) know he loves the kids. When he was around, he was a hands on Dad.. very active with the kids. But, he worked long hard hours and did not change his schedule very much for the kids. I took a step back in my career to part time and than to a home practice because he was not very helpful with taking kids to baby sitter.. coming home when they were sick, etc.. he works with computers and does a lot of proposals so he also would do a lot of evening and weekend work... So I am the kids most stable link in life.. and I do not say that as a condemnation of him as a father. he has made choices. Now that we are separated.. he wants to be a devoted Dad.. is home by 5:00 when he picks them up (usually he would come home by 7 if we were lucky).. jeez, if he had done this evan a few days of the week before now on such a regular basis...maybe things would have been different for all of us! Anyway, he is living 4 miles away and can easily see the kids.. so I do not understand why he is pushing so hard for more and more time with them... and why that time has to involve a lot of overnight time. Our son the 5 year old)has asked me repeatedly to come home when he is over there (to go to sleep)...as has our daughter. They seem to be ok for one night and than they loose it, ask for Mommy.. but he wont let them come home...(He would if they became hysterical). He says they just have to get used to it... he misses them and they will adjust. Well asnytime you say kids need to adjust, I think you need to lookat your motives. What does it matter where they sleep? He can spend the same day time with them without disrupting the stability of their bedtime routine! (He told me he believes in the power of the subcounscious and that they know on those nights that they are with Daddy and that it is reinforcing that bond...?) I am venting. I am so worried about the kids.. not their physical safety.. they are safe and well loved with him.. but their emotional well being. They don't need to be yo-yos right now. I wish he would get his head straight and start to put their needs above his! Everything I have read on the subject has said that little kids (5 and under) should not be traded back and forth for overnights in a custody situation if it can be avoided! It seems to me that joint physical custody is a panacea for guilt ridden parents!

My ex wanted 50/50 because he didn't want to pay child support.

Nikki123,<P>You hit the nail(s) on the head....<P>"So I am the kids most stable link in life.."<BR>...<B>very important</B>!<P>"...he has made choices..."<BR><B>...I think you both may have.</B><P>"He says they just have to get used to it... he misses them and they will adjust"... they will, but in this transition time <B>stability</B> is so important!<P>"They don't need to be yo-yos right now."...<BR><B>Absolutely!</B><P>"I wish he would get his head straight and start to put their needs above is!"...<BR><B>Selfishness is pervasive!</B><P>"Everything I have read on the subject has said that little kids (5 and under) should<BR>not be traded back and forth for overnights in a custody situation if it can be avoided!"<BR>... <B>I believe it gets even worse as the kids get older... not being able to make long-term lasting friendships/relationshipsas easily.</B><P>"It seems to me that joint physical custody is a panacea for guilt ridden parents!"<BR>...<B>so true</B>!<P>---------------------------------------------<P>When my W was threatening a custody battle last year, I was willing to move to her OM's state just to be close to the kids... even if it didn't mean they could sleep at my house.<P>Since then... she has moved out... lives with OM... and has every other weekend visitation... that she is slowly cutting back on.<P> <P>Jim