I have an almost 5yo daughter and I/we need to let her know about the seperation and impending divorce. I know this is a tough question to answer, I'm having a hard time typing it! I know some of the important issues are trying to ensure that she knows its not her fault but what else should be said?<P>Anybody have any words of wisom for me?

oh gee........I still have not told my kids officially about the divorce. The kids do know we are separated. My H has changed his mind so many times in the last few months, I did not want to confuse them. My oldest one graduated from high school too and I wanted to wait until after that.<P>My H said why tell any one it is only a piece of paper.<P>I think you need to tell her in a non threatening way, that you still love your S but that at this time you need to live apart. Then after that wait afew weeks, months and then tell them about divorce. That way they do not have too much to swallow at one time. <P>I do not know if this is the right way to do this or not. Like I said I have been separated for 8 months and the kids still do not know there is a divorce in the works. But then again they are not stupid and know something is up. But with my H changeing his mind every other month about it I do not want to tell them and then have to re-tell them something else.<P>I don't know if this helps or not.

Hi-<P>When we separated, I made sure to let the kids know that it was not their fault, as you have expressed. Right now, there is no divorce pending, just separation, so I am not saying more.<P>The trouble is in answering some of their questions. My 6 year old keeps asking me when I am going to decide to move back home. The kids and I have moved in with my folks, and she misses all the familiarity with our former home - now Daddy's house. It is the toughest part of my decision to leave.<P>Then she asks me about Christmas -- where are we going to spend it? Where is she going to be then? I do my best to answer all her questions, but I fear there are more that are inexpressible.<P>I am trying to spend personal time with each of the kids weekly, when we talk about things and try to get things out in the open. I don't know what else to do. I know they know some of the problems with Daddy -- they cannot count on him to tell them the truth or make up his mind. So I definitely do not ever talk bad about him in front of them -- even when he is late with child support or whatever. THEY ALREADY KNOW. I stress his good points, not the least of which is that he loves them dearly -- and he does his best to show that whenever he is with them.<P>My suggestion is to tell only the BASIC, as you have done, and be open at bedtime or other cuddle times to talk through the other issues which might be on her mind....<P>Also, Get the advice of a professional if you can afford it at all. Children may be resilient, but they are also tender. We cannot protect them from the ugliness, but we can make it easier to bear if we know what to do.<P>NoraP<P>

You cannot reassure them too much that it is not their fault.<P>If divorce has been filed, you iowe it to them to let them know. They need to know the facts. If your spouse has moved in with someone else, let the kids know mom/dad has fallen in love with someone else.<P>Whatever you do, DO NOT LIE to them. You have to be the stable parent. The one having the affair probably did enough lying for everyone.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Like Chris, I am big on honesty.<P>I told our six year old that mommy did not want to be a family with daddy anymore, but still wanted to be a family with him and his sister.<P>I also made it clear that this is not what I wanted and that it was his mother's choice.<P>I found for my kids that the most important thing was where they were going to live. Once we had that figured out, things smoothed somewhat, although we still have our problems. <P>I also bought him a couple of books about divorce from the children's perspective. He took one of them to class and the teacher read it to the whole class. Did him a lot of good.<P>Two titles I can recommend are "But What About Me: How it Feels to be a Kid in Divorce" and "It's not your Fault, Koko Bear." I got both of them through Amazon.com.<P>Good Luck