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Joined: Jun 2000
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Hi everyone,<P>A friend from the board told me she perceived from reading the D/D board that most of the Divorces are filed by the Betrayed ... mainly b/c of their WS's ambiguity or fence sitting with regards to deciding between them and the OP.<P>So I'd like to know how many Berayed out there have filed for D due to this. Also you might add the duration of waiting while they sat on that fence bef you finally filed.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

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I didn't FILE because of fence sitting. I filed because of the discovery of the affair. <P>I pursued the divorce after 6 months of fence sitting and one month after the discovery of the OC. It might have made a difference if he had been decisive about wanting to stay together, but he wanted to lead a double life. Now there is no chance at all.

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it's been almost 2 years since initial discovery, and he has just recently told me he refuses to give her up. im on vacation now, but i have every intention of filing within 2-3 months, when i have an actual county of residence (i could put up with being a rich housewife and getting cheated on, but he's started moving us all over for his jobs, and i want stability for my kids).<BR>i know this isn't precisely the answer you wanted, but even though he's claiming he wants to reconcile, it is only because there must be some emotional needs he has that aren't being met while im gone, that is the only explanation. he's just too much of a psychopathic liar for me to believe he even CAN be part of a healthy marriage (im wife #4).<BR>sorry to ramble... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>julie

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I was betrayed and, yes I filed. But not so much because of fence sitting. Discovery was May 1999. We reconciled and were doing fairly well until Sept 1999 when he & OW started seeing each other again. He lied and pretended everything was fine for several months. I found out in Dec 1999. H left in January and told me he wanted OW not me. He continued to see her while married to me, so I finally filed more as a protection than anything. It was too emotionally exhausting and humiliating to be married to a man who thinks when he has sex with his wife he's cheating on the OW. He made it VERY clear who he wanted in January. I filed in April 2000. A divorce is not what I wanted and I still don't want it, but there is little hope of reconciliation. I need to face the fact that life as I knew it is over and move on. Painful as that may be. It was NOT an easy decision for me.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Keridwen7 (edited June 16, 2000).]

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I was betrayed and also filed for divorce...my H who was mad that I had him served at work, said it made him smile...<P>I filed because he was going to buy a condo and then have our son move in with him. I want to keep the kids together to raise as a family...not one kid there, 2 kids here....<BR>Who ever files first gets custody of the kids until D. So I felt I was forced to.<P>Besides...I don't know about you guys...but my cheating H was not going to serve me with papers either...that would have been the final insult....<P>Do I wish I had not filed...I go from yes and no....My H, I do believe would have filed anyway.<P>I did not want a D. I wanted to keep my family together...I have almost sold my soul to do this...and I have to realize it is time to move on.....and see what the future holds for me.

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H affair had gone on over two years, I knew about it for most of it. We reconciled many times, each time him telling me it was over. After the last time, we both counseled with Steve Harley, but H never filled out the questionaire Steve asked us for. I continued for about 2 months with counseling, H continued affair but lied about it. I finally heard he was leaving with $ to be with her, and that was it for me. I fell totally out of love for him. That was when it was right for me to move on. Almost a year later, I am happy, my X and his OW, I believe have hit the skids. Too bad......<P>------------------<BR>Susan

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I did file beause of fence-sitting. My H's affair has been going on now for 2 years, I have known for around 18 months and during that time he has left, then come back, then left, then come back and then finally left again 10 months ago. He still was very undecided about what he wanted and made numerous "decisions" along the way, but never carried through with them. I finally realised, the indecisiveness was emotionally hurting my children and tearing me apart and I couldn't take it any longer. He said he was "floored" when he got the news I was doing this and I don't think he ever expected me to go through with it. But, I have taken too much heartache and rejection for 18 months and I actually feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. Yes, the divorce with not be nice and will be very painful but I tried so hard to keep my marriage together and H never tried once. So, I will make it on my own and the strange thing is, I don't even feel very much for him anymore (which kind of scares me). This man whom I loved with all my heart and soul. I guess you can only hurt someone so long until the love finally goes. Hope this helps!

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Fence sitting? It's more like sick to death of all of this and wanting to go on with life. It's getting out of this nightmare the only way left to me.<P>PA started February 1999. First Dday was April 30, 1999, when OW's H called, but my H talked his way out of it. Real Dday was in July, when I found a letter from her in his truck, which, of course, he tried to say she didn't write and someone planted it, trying to make trouble. Yeah, right. I kicked him out.<P>It's been back and forth since then. He leaves to live with her, saying he needs time. While there, he calls me and comes by, talking about how we can work on things. But he's all talk and no action (always has been about everything), and I've had enough. When he's living here, he's spending time with her. Sick. He's lied to both of us. She's after his money, which is a major laugh. What money?? But of all her partners (she is a major slut), he has the most $$ to offer her. I finally told him that this is nothing but prostitution. Next time, I'm asking why he has to pay for sex, while all her other boyfriends are getting it for free. Major LB, but it doesn't matter any more. I'm filing this week.<P>Sorry, I haven't answered the question. In the beginning, it was the fence sitting that hurt the most, but it's not the reason I saw my attorney for the first time on my birthday. It was the realization that I deserve better than this. That I will never be able to trust him, even if he did dump her (she's dumped him, several times), that the past 15 years of our 24 year marriage have been bad, in spite of my trying to work on it, and that there wasn't any future, anyway, because he wants someone to fix everything that goes wrong. I can't do that, not by myself.<P>Even his former friends agree that a divorce is the only answer. He dug his own grave. I told him on the phone last week that he's up to his neck in sh** and will never get the smell off.<P>I wish him happiness. I don't want to destroy him, even though that's what he's done to our marriage, our family, and almost me, but that may be what happens. He wants me to help him, but when I did, he ignored what I said. He's self-destructing, and I can't save him. I'm tired of trying, with no results, except more pain for me. I want to move on.<P>2sad

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I am trying mediation first, so that it is less threatening, less agressive, and offers the most potential for future gains.<P>although my W is having a MLC, and has changed her mind from D to separation, I am assuming she is not coming back.<P>Will I take her back? we are sexually incompatible, and personality type is extreme opposite, as well as she is borderline personality disorder.<P>thl <BR>

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My H is fence sitting but I see it as having his cake and eating it too. I filed for divorce after I found out about the affair last fall trying to bring him to his senses. It didn't so I backed off for awhile and didn't pursue the divorce.<P>Well now that he continues to see the OW and lie and cheat and scheme and manipulate everything I say so it sounds like I am to blame for everything, I think its time I kicked his a** off the fence. I didn't make him have an affair yes our marriage had problems but I wasn't fully to blame. <P>Maybe when he falls down off the fence post to see what he has (the OW what a catch) and what he looses because of her maybe then and only then when REALITY truly has set in he will see what a jerk he is.<P>So I didn't really file originally due to fence sitting but because of it tomorrow first thing I will be on the phone to my lawyer to proceed further. By the way, my H is refusing to furnish his statement of net worth so I guess that is a form of fence sitting too. I think he believes that I will just continue to take what he dishes out and let him do what he wants because I love him and so far have done really nothing to make him suffer any consequences due to his actions.

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My x originally started the divorce papers and then when om dumped her she fired her attorney. I told my attorney to sit on the papers. When x got back with om in a few weeks, I restarted the papers.<P>X started papers sometime in July but I never got them till Sept. We/I attempted reconciliation in Oct till early Nov and then restarted them. Papers were file Dec 1, and we were divorced 2-1-00.

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I filed after discovering 4 months earlier. However, the "hidden" duration of her affair(s?) was much longer. During the time stuff was going on, she was unbelievable cruel and very unusual. <P>By the time I found out (thought she was pregnant, trust me, it couldn't have been me!), I was so low and beaten up, that her continued lack of effort towards the marriage let me know it was done. She simply took advantage of the extra attention and care I gave her; even before I found out. Protection was also a factor. Even in retrospect (all began 8/98; D final 12/99), I never saw her respond to any of the techniques offered here. <P>The same dysfunctional attitudes in her continue, despite the changes in her life. Ultimately, the right decision was made. I think I kept trying because of my commitment to marriage, my kids and some sort of co-dependancy thing, though I've never been a subscriber to that line of thought. I look back and can't beleive I kind of encouraged the treatment I received. I've met another woman now and can't beleive the difference. <P>I keep expecting to be treated like s**t; it weird, but I see those insecurities can drive you to those type of folks/behavior if you don't recognize them in yourself. It takes real work at trusting myself as well as the new person in my life. Opps! I rambled, sorry, it's been awhile since I've post [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]!<P>Eric32

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Hey Jo,<P>Haven't been around as much as I would like. I would like to respond thou. The only reason I filed was to try to wake up my dearest Bunches. It seems to have backfired on me. Her Mom is pushing at this point. "Why would he file if he didn't want a D"? Go away and bake something Dolores, it's between me and your d. You don't have a clue to life, let alone be able to spell it.<P>I found out about Val's affair in March of 99, the 13th at 0230 to be exact. I may have accidentaly fallen over and plugged the tape recorder into the phone outlet. That is when she was politely asked to leave.<P>Yep, I waited and waited. Tried Plan A to the best of my ability. Got tired and felt that pushing a D would wake her up and get the disired response. So in October I started the proceedings.<P>Had second thoughts let it slide. She pissed me off. Then in late March I pushed again. No movement one way vs another.<P>Late May I lost my mind and she finally signed the papers. I had gone into the lawyer office the month before ready to quit. This guy and his assistant have handled many Ds and only had me sign one paper out of the two. I took that as a sign from above. I walked out and still hold an ace up my sleve.<P>The threat of D worked last time we split, unfortunately neither one of us changed. Now that I found this site and can and will be a GREAT H, she won't budge for now.<P>It's not done until I'm dead for two years. Then I may have to rethink things. <BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic


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