Hi friends, I haven't been around much lately. Too busy trying to get some sanity back in my life I guess. My Divorce was official yesterday......and I'm ok with it. I wouldn't have believed it a couple of months ago, but things are looking up. The girls and I are getting into a routine, and things are starting to smooth out as far as the visitation thing, at least as much as they can.<P>Anyway, here's my question. Through a friend of a friend, I have found out that things aren't as rosey for my X in fantacy land as she thinks it is(hey! I don't have to type STBX anymore!!, I always screwed that up! ). It seems that the [censored] that caused my X to walk out is looking for love elsewhere already. The thing is, I'm possitive my X has no clue he's doing this. It would be easy for me to blow this jerk out of the water and show my X what he's been up to, but should I?<P>I guess part of me wants revenge....for the pain she put me and the kids and family through, but part of me says let her find out on her own, stay out of it. I know that there is a better chance of Bill Clinton getting re-elected than there is of me even considering taking her back. That' not at all my motivation. But at the same time, I don't want her to find out after a visit to the Gyno for a strange itch that he's as faithful with her as he was with his wife when he started boinking my X.<P>So what do I do folks? I know there are a lot of you that would love to be in this situation with your X, but really.......what would you do if you had the chance?<P>

BrentB,<BR> Sorry about your divorce. <BR>It probably isn't any of your business now,which it isn't,but....if it was me,I would think of a way for her to find out,without knowing I was involved.I wouldn't want her to think I was saying"I told you so",but I would love to have her see the guy for what he is.<P> --Murph

BrentB<P>Remember, they do shoot messengers! <BR>Of course you are only letting her know for her own good and you are not getting any pleasure out of telling her. But you would still be the messenger...and, would she believe you?<P>You will remained tied for life since you have children together, don't you think it's better that you stay away from things like this that can cause animosity?<P>I like Murph's idea of finding of a way to let her know without it actually being you telling her. <P>Sometimes what goes around does come around. It feels kind'a good to see it happen. <P><BR>

HI Brent,<BR> It ALWAYS comes back to haunt you when we hurt someone, even if they deserve it. Don't lower yourself. If you two have remained friends and you TRULY want to SAVE her pain, then tell her. But be sure, don't just go on second hand info. You're friend maybe just trying to make YOU feel better. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

If she doesn't know it yet she eventually will find out. Especially is there is already others that know. It could be a real turn off if you were to tell her. Either she would not believe you and be angry for you making things up, or she will believe you and her pride will cause her to take her anger out on you. I vote A, you don't say a thing and eventually she'll find out on her own, or B, you find a way for her to hear about it without knowing you were involved at all.

brentb,<P>Revenge is a dish best served cold. <P>As all of the other posters have said, it isn't really your business and you will only lose if you tell her. On the other hand you will get to watch the drama unfold. I would just watch the drama for awhile.<P>There may come a time when you know for sure he is cheating on her and then maybe you can send her the information secretly. However, she is your childrens mother, but is no longer related to you. <P>I would let it ride, unless the situation became unhealthy for the children. <P>No hard advice here, just an opinion. <P>It is good to hear you are in good spirits. It has been awhile since we communicated.<P>Good luck and take care,<P>JL

Brent,<P>I went thru this shortly after my H left. I told him. And it didn't make any difference to him, he didn't believe me. It seems that he thought I was so desperate to have him come home that I would have lied about anything. Yeah, at the time I wanted him home but I wouldn't lie to him. Now, I just sit back and laugh quetly to myself. I know that in the long run, he'll find out, just as I did. And it will be his problem then and not mine. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

<BR>What we're pitting is you butting into someone else's life versus allowing some unforseen harm to befall that person through your inaction. This is a doctrine of competing harms problem, and the question is, "Which is worse?" <P>On the one hand, sitting by and lettting her live her part in the drama gets you some chuckles, and allows you to get "shot at" as the messenger.<P>On the other hand, would you feel comfortable knowing that the scum boyfriend gave her HIV? Granted, its not that likely, but I wouldn't want that on my conscience.<P>Good luck in whatever you choose,<P>Bystander<BR>

I also found out my x's OW was dating someone else....I never said a word...My thoughts are, once the divorce is final,what they do in their personal life is thier business. They are adults and whatever relationship they deem appropriate for them is their own business. <BR>I would let whatever happens, happens<P>------------------<BR>Susan

<BR>sue,<P>What if you knew that your x's OW had contracted HIV? Would you let your X continue on in ignorance, knowing that exposure to the virus will likely kill him?<P>All I can say is, I'm sure glad I've never faced this situation myself. Yikes.<P>Bystander

well all, it seems that most feel I should stay out of it, but I don't know if I can. I keep having the same thought bystander did. What f she catches something, and I could have possibly prevented it? MORE INPUT PLEASE<P>BTW, there is no maybe about it. Remember how I jerry rigged my wife's PC to get the info about her affair? Well I did something similar here. There is no maybe about it. I also don't care if she shoots the messenger. I expect that. Plus it has no baring on my future. If anything, I just want the OM out of my childrens life. He is scum, and the thought of him with my kids makes me furious.<P>So much for Mr. nice guy<BR>

Take a picture (catch him kissing the new OW). Then send it to your x. Maybe that will open her eyes (Id love to have that happen w my H & his OW)<BR>Kris

yeah, tell her without her knowing it's you telling her. iv'e been tempted to tell h OW that he's still hot and heavy with me. i wish the drunk wench would get away from him, just so she gets no sight of my children, too. yuck.

I would also let it alone. My H is already cheating on the OW. Should I call her and warn her? These people are grown ups, they know the risks of associating with other people who cheat. I'm sure they had a high school sex education that filled them in on what can happen when they don't practice "safer" sex.<P>Did your wife inform you of her affair while she was putting you (and your children for that matter) at risk? Mine didn't. And I ended up with that little itch and am still not sure if it's herpes or not - my doctor thinks it's possible but I never had the blood test.<P>I'm not talking about revenge, because I really believe that's not mine and it'll be taken care of later (God). I don't even have tooth-grinding anger towards him. I just believe he made a choice and so did she, now they can live with the consequences. As someone else ahead said, I'm not related to him anymore and his life is his own to screw up if he wants.<P>If it is a danger to the children, well that's is different. But otherwise, I would let it alone and not worry about what is going on in their messed up lives they created.<P>I know, I know, I sound harsh. Sorry.

Hey BrentB,<P>I would also go with: if you can let her know about him, without her knowing it was you letting her know, then do it.<P>I personally wouldn't be the one telling my H that his floozy was floozying around!!!!!<BR>But I'd try damn hard to find someone who would tell him!!<P>Whoever said about the photo had a great idea. That way, she doesn't know for sure who sent it, but the proof is in the pudding....<P>This mess is just agony at times itsn't it?<BR>It never ends..... Just goes on and on and on.....<P>keep taking care of you and your children<P>hugs to you<P>Jo

hey folks, <P>Well, most of you will be happy to know I've decided not to tell the X about her OM. I thought about it long and hard, and the way I figure it, she will find out herself in time. All I would be doing by telling her is rubbing it in her face and as fun as that sounds at times, I still have to deal with her for many many years. <P>I pray for her still. I guess that's all I can do for now. I pray that she doesn't catch something because of these decisions she has made. But that is in Gods hands now, not mine. Do me a favor all, and say a prayer for her too.<P>Thanks,<BR>Brent